HUMPHRY. I"m no more a fool than you are--
LOVEYET. Be gone, you scoundrel! Here, Thomas--[_Enter THOMAS._], lug this fellow out of doors.
THOMAS. Yes, sir.
HUMPHRY. No, you sha"n"t tho", d" ye see.
THOMAS. I"m cursedly afraid of the great two-handed fellow too.
[_Aside, and exit with HUMPHRY._
LOVEYET [_manet_].
Abusive rascal! But I won"t put myself in a pa.s.sion with such a vile animal.--I--I"ll read the letter again.
"Honour"d Sir,
"I have just time enough to acquaint you by the _Ocea.n.u.s_, Captain Seaborn, who is now preparing to sail, that I have at length adjusted my business so as to be able to leave this place for New-York, the beginning of March; in which case you may look for me before the first of April next; when I promise myself the happiness of seeing you once more, and enjoying the society of the best of parents: till then I shall continue to be, with truly filial attachment, and anxious expectation of the happy event, your obliged and dutiful son,--CHARLES LOVEYET."
I wonder he don"t say anything of the coffee and madeira I wrote to him about;--egad, I must mind the main chance; a penny sav"d, is a penny got; and charity begins at home. By strictly attending to these excellent maxims, I am worth about five and twenty per cent. more than any other merchant in the city; and as for that stupid proverb, money is the root of all evil, "tis well enough for those to say so, who have none; for my part, I know that much of the good things of this world is better than not enough--that a man can live longer upon a hundred thousand pounds than one thousand pounds--that if, the more we have the more we want, the more we have the more we make--and that it is better to make hay while the sun shines _against_ a rainy day, when I shall be upon my last legs, than to work and toil like an a.s.s _in_ the rain; so it plainly appears that money is the root of all good;--that"s my logic.--I long to see the young rogue tho"--I dare say he looks very like his father;--but, had I thought old Trueman wou"d have us"d me so ill, I wou"d not have wrote for him yet; for he shall not have his old sweetheart:--if he offers to disobey me in this respect, by my body, I"ll disinherit the ungracious dog immediately.
[_Exit._
SCENE III. _Another part of LOVEYET"S House._
_DOLLY and THOMAS._
THOMAS. I"ve set a bowl of grog before him, pretty much to the northward, and a luncheon of bread and beef almost as big as his head; for he said he was consumed hungry.
DOLLY. I language to behold him;--but I"m afraid he"ll be rude to a body. [_Enter HUMPHRY, with a large luncheon of bread and b.u.t.ter._]
Oh, as I"m alive, it is Humphry; old Cubb, the miller"s son! Now will the great bear be for rumpling and hugging a body, as he us"d to do. [_Aside._
HUMPHRY. How d" ye do again, as the saying is? You"re a devilish honest fellow, as I"m a gentleman; and thank "e for your frugality, with all my heart: I"ve eaten up all the beef and grog, so I thought I wou"d go to the cupboard, and cut a small slice of bread and b.u.t.ter, d" ye see.
THOMAS. Why didn"t you cut yourself a larger slice, while you was about it?
HUMPHRY. Oh, it"s big enough, thank "e; I never eat much at a meal; but if I crave more, I"ll speak. [_Sees DOLLY._] Wha--what--Doll! is that you? Oh, the wonderful works of nature! Who"d ha" thought to ha" found you here.
What, don"t you know me? not know your old sweetheart? By Job, I want to buss you, most lasciviously.
[_Crams all the bread in his mouth in haste, and offers to kiss her.--THOMAS hinders him._
DOLLY. Oh, oh!
THOMAS. What, do you dare to do such a thing before me, you country brute?
HUMPHRY. Aye, no sooner said than done; that"s my way.
THOMAS. But you sha"n"t say nor do your lascivious tricks before me, I warrant you.
DOLLY. Oh, the filthy beast! he has frightened me out of my seventy-seven senses; he has given me a fever.
HUMPHRY. I don"t care if you"ll give me a favour, or not; for I don"t value it an old horse-shoe, not I; I can get favours enough in New-York, if I go to the expense.--I know what--I suppose you forget when Jack Wrestle, the country mack-marony--
DOLLY. Oh, oh!
HUMPHRY. Why, in the country you us"d for to kiss me without axing.
DOLLY. I scorn your words, you worthless blackguard; so I do.
[_Cries._
THOMAS. Sir, I"d have you to know, sir, that I won"t suffer you, sir, to abuse this young lady, sir, in this manner, sir; and, sir--in short, sir, you"re a dirty fellow, for your pains, sir.
HUMPHRY. And you"re a great litterly lubber, as the saying is; and if you"ll be so friendly as for to fetch the mug of ale you promis"d me, I"ll lick you out of pure grat.i.tude: have a care--grog makes me fight like a tyger.
THOMAS. It"s a bargain,--I shou"d be sorry to try you; but I"ll go lace you ale a little, and that will spoil your fighting, I warrant you.
[_Aside, and exit._
DOLLY. You sha"n"t fight him.--Oh, law, I wou"dn"t trust myself with him alone, for the riches of the Indians!
[_Exit, after him._
HUMPHRY. [_Mimicking her._] What an unfaithless trollop! She"s got to be very vartuous since she"s liv"d in town, but vartue is but skin deep, as the saying is:--wou"dn"t even let me kiss her;--I meant nothing but the genteel thing neither,--all in an honest way. I wonder what she can see in that clumsy b.o.o.by"s face, for to take his part, sooner than I!--but I"ll go buy a new coat and breeches, and get my head fricaseed, and my beard comb"d a little, and then I"ll cut a dash with the best on "em. I"ll go see where that ill-looking fellow stays with the ale.
[_Exit._
_End of the Second Act._
ACT III.
SCENE I. _A Barber"s Shop._
_HUMPHRY in new clothes, reading a newspaper.--TOUPEE shaving him._
HUMPHRY. Pray now, master barber, what does Const.i.tution mean? I hears so many people a quarrelling about it,--I wish I cou"d get somebody to give me the exclamation of it; here it is among the news too. It"s spelt C, O, N, con--S, T, I, sti--consti--T, U, tu--const.i.tu--T, I, ti--const.i.tuti--O, N, on--con-sti-tu-ti-on,--but your city folks calls it Const.i.tushon; they"ve got such a queer p.r.o.nouncication.
TOUPEE. Vat you please, sare?
HUMPHRY. Yes, it pleases me well enough; I only want to know what it magnifies.
TOUPEE. Je ne vous entens pas, monsieur.