HUMPHRY. Why, what outlandish dialogue is that you"re a talking? I can"t understand your lingo as well as the Schoolmaster"s, with his monstrous memorandums, and his ignorant mouses.
TOUPEE. You be "quainted with monsieur de Schoolmastare, monsieur?
HUMPHRY. Yes, mounsieur; he and the consumptive old gentleman, old what"s his name, was a wrangling about that confounded name that I was axing you about;--caw--con--[_Looks at the paper._] aye, Const.i.tution.
TOUPEE. Dat Const.i.tution is no bon;--de Schoolmastare vas strike me for dat. By gar, I get de satisfaction!
HUMPHRY. He talks as crooked as a Guinea niger. [_Aside._
TOUPEE. He vas call me--ah, le diable!--block; dis--[_Points to his head._]
blockhead, oui, blockhead.
HUMPHRY. If you"ve got a mind, I"ll lather him for you.
TOUPEE. Yes; den I vill lader you for nothing.
HUMPHRY. You lather me for nothing?--I"ll lather you for less yet, you barber-looking--
TOUPEE. No, no; me lader you so. [_Lathers HUMPHRY"S face._
HUMPHRY. Oh, with soap-suds, you mean:--I ax pardon, mounsieur; I thought how you was a going for to lather me without soap-suds or razor, as the old proverb is.
TOUPEE. Dat is no possible, monsieur.
HUMPHRY. I believe not; you shou"d be shav"d as clean as a whistle, if you was; "faith should you.
TOUPEE. Yes, I will shave you very clean;--here is de bon razor for shave de beard.
[_Draws the razor over the back of HUMPHRY"S hand, to shew him it can cut a hair._]
HUMPHRY. [_Bellowing out._] You ill-looking, lousy, beard-combing, head-shaving rascal! Did you ever know any body for to have a beard upon their hand?
TOUPEE. You be von big "merican brute, sur mon ame!
HUMPHRY. You lie, as the saying is. What a mouth he makes whenever he goes for to talk his gibberage!--He screws it up for all the world like a pickled oyster. I must have a care I don"t get some of that snuff out of his nose.
TOUPEE. You please for taste de snuff?
HUMPHRY. I don"t care if I _smell_ some.
[_Takes a pinch of snuff, which makes him sneeze, while TOUPEE is shaving him; by which he gets his face cut._]
TOUPEE. Prenez garde a vous!
HUMPHRY. The devil take the snuff and you! [_Going._
TOUPEE. S"il vous plait, monsieur, you vill please for take de--de--vat is dat--de lettre--de shallange to monsieur de Schoolmastare, for fight me?
HUMPHRY. Yes, that I will, with the most carefullest manner;--he shall have it in the greatest pleasure.
[_TOUPEE gives a paper to HUMPHRY._
TOUPEE. Dat is de bon civility,--I vill be your--a--very good friend.
HUMPHRY. Thank "e kindly, Mounsieur. [_Exeunt, severally._
SCENE II. _A Street._
_Enter YOUNG LOVEYET and HUMPHRY._
LOVEYET. Not find where he lives?
HUMPHRY. No;--you"re the most unluckiest gentleman for making of blunders,--didn"t you tell me how your father liv"d in number two hundred and fifty, in Queen-Street, in the three-story brick house?
LOVEYET. I did; is not that the house?
HUMPHRY. No--why, your father don"t live there.
LOVEYET. Did you enquire for Mr. Loveyet?
HUMPHRY. Yes, I saw Mr. Loveyet.
LOVEYET. The devil is in the fellow, I believe. Did you give him my letter?
HUMPHRY. Yes, but I didn"t want to.
LOVEYET. Why not?
HUMPHRY. Becase I wanted for to carry it to your father.
LOVEYET. What makes you think Mr. Loveyet is not my father?
HUMPHRY. Somebody told me so that"s got a good right to know; I"ve his own words for it.
LOVEYET. My father tell you so?
HUMPHRY. The young man is crazy, I believe.--I say Mr. Loveyet said you wasn"t his son; so I suppose he can"t be your father by that.
LOVEYET. I forgot that the letter would probably produce this misunderstanding. [_Aside._]--He is the only one I know, whom I have a right to call my father.
HUMPHRY. May be you"re the old fellow"s b.a.s.t.a.r.d, and if you"re a b.a.s.t.a.r.d, you can"t be a son, you know: aye, that"s the catch, I suppose.
LOVEYET. Your new clothes make you quite smart, Mr. Cubb.
HUMPHRY. Yes, don"t I look quite smart, with these here new clothes?
they"re all new, I"ll insure you--only a little the worse for wear; I bought "em at the vandue option, at the Fly-Market.
LOVEYET. But how came you by that patch on one side of your face, and that large crop of beard on the other?