"Before we get started, I"ll need everyone"s payment in exact change like we discussed earlier," Ma.s.sie announced. She felt a little strange taking money from Claire, Alicia, and Dylan but they knew it was going to a good cause. After collecting twenty-dollar bills from her eight students, Ma.s.sie immediately stuffed the hundred-and-sixty-dollar wad into the back pocket of Kristen"s rhinestone "J" Juicy Couture jeans.
"Add it to your Lake Placid fund," Ma.s.sie whispered to Kristen.
"Thanks." Kristen beamed. She held her camera with new enthusiasm and pointed it at the left half of Ma.s.sie"s face, because everyone everyone knew it was her favorite side. knew it was her favorite side.
The girls rearranged the dark wood stools into a semicircle and put the only director"s chair in the center for Ma.s.sie. Alicia sprayed her Angel perfume to try and get rid of the stuffy dusty-old-book-and-rotting-wet-wood chapel-y smell. Only now it reeked like someone had smashed a bottle of perfume on a damp tree trunk. But it was an improvement.
"Let me start by welcoming you to MUCK, or Ma.s.sie"s Underground Clinic for Kissing." She plugged her mini DVD player into the wall socket and pulled a shiny disc out of a light pink plastic sleeve.
"Ehmagawd, you know what MUCK sounds like?" Olivia snickered into her delicate palm.
"Uh, yeah," Ma.s.sie snapped. It should have gone without saying.
"Lovethatname," Carrie said to Livvy and Alexandra, who were seated on either side of her.
"Me too," Alexandra gushed. "It"s so naughty."
Livvy"s bulgy hazel eyes were fixed on Ma.s.sie.
"The first thing every kissing bandit needs is a great gloss." Ma.s.sie reached into her black Prada messenger bag. Seconds later she pulled out a gray Jimmy Choo shoe bag. It was filled with the stinky flavors Ma.s.sie had received from her daily delivery of Glossip Girl lip gloss (her parents had signed her up for a "subscription" as one of her many Christmas presents).
She avoided the disappointed looks from Claire, Alicia, and Dylan, who knew Ma.s.sie would never part with any of the good flavors. But the new girls had no idea they were getting Ma.s.sie"s rejects. They were beyond psyched when they were handed BBQ Chicken, California Roll, Kosher Dill, and Spaghetti Bolognese.
Livvy immediately smeared the stinky gloss on her puffy lips. "Mmmmm, it even tastes tastes like sushi." She used her front teeth to sc.r.a.pe some into her mouth. like sushi." She used her front teeth to sc.r.a.pe some into her mouth.
"How do they get pickles inside this tiny hole?" Olivia examined the tube.
"They use tickles," Layne offered. Everyone crinkled their waxed eyebrows trying to figure out whether they"d heard her correctly. "Tiny pickles."
It was such a stupid answer to an even stupider question that Ma.s.sie actually laughed along with the others.
"How cute." Olivia sniffed her Glossip Girl with maternal tenderness.
"Trythisone." Carrie squeezed her tube so that a glob of BBQ Chicken oozed out. "ItsmellslikethefourthofJuly."
"This one is better." Alexandra puckered her shiny lips so they touched the tip of her hawk nose. She inhaled deeply. "Yummm, meat sauce. Guys are going to hunger hunger to kiss me, get it?" to kiss me, get it?"
Dylan rolled her eyes. "So will stray dogs."
Alicia cracked up and high-fived her friend.
Ma.s.sie choked down her laughter. Normally, she would have been the first to bust on Alexandra"s attempt at humor but she needed these girls to love her a trillion times more than they"d ever loved Nina. Once they did, there would be plenty of time to make fun of them.
"Mine smells like an outhouse." Layne dry-heaved. "What is this stuff?"
Claire elbowed Layne in the ribs and mouthed, "Be nice."
"What?" Layne whispered to Claire. "Why?" But Claire didn"t answer. Instead she turned her attention back to Ma.s.sie, probably hoping Layne would do the same.
It still made Ma.s.sie uncomfortable to know that someone besides her black pug, Bean, knew she was lying about her kissing experience, but if it had to be anyone, Ma.s.sie was glad it was Claire. "So let"s get started."
Ma.s.sie turned the small screen on her portable DVD player so it faced the girls, slid in the CD, then pressed play. A slow montage of s.e.xy photos that Ma.s.sie had cut out of magazines and coffee-table books around her house and scanned into her computer flashed onto the screen, one after the other. They appeared and faded in perfect time to the dreamy beat of "Caribbean Blue" by Enya, one of Kendra"s favorite New Age artists. Ma.s.sie knew the girls would have no idea what they were listening to and hoped that the haunting Irish music would cast an air of romance and mystery over her presentation.
"Wow." Alexandra sighed. "This is like p.o.r.no."
"Are we going to get into trouble?" Livvy asked as she chewed her lip.
"Shhhh." Carrie rolled her eyes to let Ma.s.sie know she was embarra.s.sed for her friends.
Ma.s.sie took a deep breath and continued. "As you can see, everyone in these images is kissing." kissing." She spoke over the music. "There is kissing in advertising," she said about the Calvin Klein ad where the young couple"s lips barely touched. "Kissing in art." She tapped the screen when the famous Gustav Klimt painting called She spoke over the music. "There is kissing in advertising," she said about the Calvin Klein ad where the young couple"s lips barely touched. "Kissing in art." She tapped the screen when the famous Gustav Klimt painting called The Kiss The Kiss appeared. "And kissing in movies." And sure enough, up came a photo from the movie appeared. "And kissing in movies." And sure enough, up came a photo from the movie The Notebook The Notebook showing Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams locked in a heated embrace. There were sweaty models in skimpy bathing suits pa.s.sionately making out on the beach, delicate romantic kisses in ads for engagement rings, and countless perfume campaigns where the women looked into the camera instead of the eyes of the genetically perfect men they were seducing. showing Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams locked in a heated embrace. There were sweaty models in skimpy bathing suits pa.s.sionately making out on the beach, delicate romantic kisses in ads for engagement rings, and countless perfume campaigns where the women looked into the camera instead of the eyes of the genetically perfect men they were seducing.
"Are we going to learn to kiss like that?" that?" Alexandra"s green, cat-shaped eyes flickered with hope. Ma.s.sie noticed they were the same color as her braces and wondered if that was done on purpose. Alexandra"s green, cat-shaped eyes flickered with hope. Ma.s.sie noticed they were the same color as her braces and wondered if that was done on purpose.
"Which one?" Ma.s.sie asked.
"All of them." Alexandra gathered her long, straight brown hair with one hand and fanned the back of her neck with the other. "I think it"s important we learn all of the different styles."
"Keep it in your pants, sister," Ma.s.sie said. "First you have to learn the basics."
"I agree. I always forget what third base is," Olivia said with total sincerity.
"I said the basics basics, not the bases bases," Ma.s.sie said.
"Still." Olivia shrugged and slid off her tan suede blazer. She was wearing a ballet pink Pet.i.t Bateaux tank top underneath that revealed her thin, muscular arms and pointy little A-cups. They reminded Ma.s.sie of Hershey"s Kisses, and she suddenly realized she hadn"t eaten since breakfast.
"Now, what do all of these images have in common?" Ma.s.sie asked, trying to forget about her hunger.
"Is she serious?" Layne popped open a peach-flavored Go-Gurt and took a swig.
"They were all taken from your mother"s magazines?" Alicia joked.
Dylan giggled. Claire bit her pinky nail.
"No." Ma.s.sie sighed. "All of their lips are touching. And that"s what kissing is."
Layne burst out laughing. "I want my money back."
Claire elbowed her in the ribs. "Shhhh," she hissed.
"Are you seri-" Layne started to say to Claire but was cut off by Livvy.
"But their lips aren"t touching in the painting of The Kiss. The Kiss. He"s kissing her neck." He"s kissing her neck."
Everyone looked at Ma.s.sie to see how she would handle Livvy"s keen observation.
Ma.s.sie could feel a familiar p.r.i.c.kly heat under her arms. "Great call, Livvy. I was hoping someone would notice that."
Livvy sat up a little taller on her stool and playfully kicked her dangling legs back and forth. "Thanks."
"The man is kissing the woman"s neck, which can be considered a kiss." Ma.s.sie paused for effect. "But not a make-out."
"Ooooh." Livvy slowly nodded her head like she was finally starting to "get it."
"Ma.s.sie," Carrie interrupted. "Uh, mostofusalreadyknowthisstuff. We want to knowabouttechniques like French-kissing, lipbiting, and-"
"Kissing with braces." Alexandra turned red. She smiled shyly, showing off two rows of green wires.
"I want to know what you and Derrington have done," Alicia said.
"Yeah," Dylan agreed.
Ma.s.sie looked to Claire, but Claire was too busy tugging on her uneven bangs to pick up on Ma.s.sie"s silent plea.
"We will get to all of that, but first it"s important to learn the fundamentals," Ma.s.sie said.
"Like straight-up lip pecks and open-mouthers?" Alexandra offered.
"No, like oral hygiene." Ma.s.sie lifted a Louis Vuitton duffel bag off the ground and unzipped it.
"Ew," Olivia squealed. "Wait." she paused. "Isn"t that third base?"
"Seriously." Livvy turned red. "We haven"t even talked about Frenching yet and we"re already moving on to oral?"
"Oralhygieneyouidiotnotorals.e.x!" Carrie snapped, and then rolled her wide brown eyes.
"Oh." Livvy and Olivia recoiled. Everyone cracked up.
"Before anyone kisses anyone, you need to know about fresh breath and healthy gums." Ma.s.sie lifted up a tube of Rembrandt toothpaste and a roll of dental floss.
Alicia and Dylan busted out laughing. Even Kristen started giggling, which meant the footage would be all shaky.
"What"s so funny?" Ma.s.sie insisted. Claire was squirming uncomfortably in her seat and Layne had started to yawn. "You have to learn to walk before you can run."
"Correction," Alexandra said. "We have to learn to kiss before we die."
Carrie and Livvy burst out laughing.
"Hey, Alexandra?" Ma.s.sie asked sweetly.
"Yeah?"
"Are you a toad?"
"No, why?"
"Then why are you acting all h.o.r.n.y?" Ma.s.sie said.
This time everyone laughed with with Ma.s.sie. "Are you getting this?" she whispered to Kristen. Ma.s.sie. "Are you getting this?" she whispered to Kristen.
Kristen nodded her head.
"Stop moving around so much," Ma.s.sie hissed. "You"ll ruin the shot."
"Can we skiptheteethstuff," Carrie said. "Mydadisadentist so I kindaknowaboutflossing."
"Yeah, but do you know about lip waxing and mustache bleaching?" Ma.s.sie held up two different do-it-yourself facial hair remover kits. She slid off her director"s chair and marched over to Carrie. Then she leaned in toward her mouth as if she were going to kiss her on the lips.
"Uh, w-what are you doing?" Carrie shifted on her stool and sat on her hands.
"Your dad may have taught you about flossing, but he failed to mention the importance of not not having a mustache when you"re a girl," Ma.s.sie said. having a mustache when you"re a girl," Ma.s.sie said.
Carrie slowly brought her hand to her face and rubbed the sides of her mouth. She turned to Alexandra. "Do I?"
Alexandra nodded slowly and with regret.
"I do?" she asked Livvy. Her voice was high-pitched and shaky.
Livvy shrugged and looked down at her k.n.o.bby kneecaps.
"Now, what boy is going to want to make out with a girl that reminds him of his older brother?" Ma.s.sie asked. "Females are supposed to be soft and smooth, not p.r.i.c.kly and rugged."
Carrie started tearing up while the others pulled out their compacts and examined their faces.
Once the compacts snapped shut, Alexandra said, "The rest of us seem to be hairless, so can we get to the kissing?"
"Where was your first kiss?" Livvy asked.
"On the lips." Ma.s.sie knew that wasn"t what Livvy meant, but she was desperate. She had a.s.sumed these LBRs would be so happy to be in her secret club they wouldn"t care what she talked about. But she had been wrong.
"Was it after the Briarwood soccer finals?" Dylan asked.
Ma.s.sie wanted to slap Dylan for furthering the issue but knew her friend wasn"t trying to put her on the spot. She just believed what Ma.s.sie had told her.
"It was, wasn"t it?" Dylan smacked her newly thin thigh. "Gawd, I am so mad I was sick that day. I knew I"d miss something good."
"Is he a good kisser, or is he all sloppy and saliva-ish?" Alicia asked playfully. "Come on, tell us something already! We want our money"s worth."
Suddenly, Ma.s.sie became aware of the heat from the video camera"s light. It was burning her cheeks and turning her face red-she could feel it. A wave of hunger crashed inside her stomach, making her feel weak and disoriented.
"Which Glossip Girl flavor were you wearing?" Layne asked sarcastically.
The loud ringing in Ma.s.sie"s ears made it almost impossible for her to answer everyone"s questions ... not that she wanted to. If she didn"t get out of there immediately, Ma.s.sie was afraid she"d have a heart attack, or worse, start crying.
"Hold on a minute." Ma.s.sie held up her finger and frantically fished through her Prada messenger bag.
The girls watched her with silent curiosity.
Ma.s.sie pulled out her purple sparkly Motorola, flipped it open, and lifted it to her ear. "Yup ... uh-huh ... How far away is she? ... Can you stall her while we make our escape? ... Great." She snapped the cell phone shut and quickly dropped it in the pocket of her tweed gray-and-orange Nanette Lepore coat.