Pellen dragged a hand over his grey-stubbled face. What can I say to talk you out of this? Dyou want me to tell you how you shouldnt trust your life to Arlin Garrick? Because you shouldnt. Given half a chance, that young man would push you off a mountain.
Probly, he said, shrugging. So probly I shouldnt give him half a chance, eh?
Pellen growled. Its not funny, boy.
Never said it was, he replied. Pellen, I dont know what else to do. All I know is even if Goose wasnt out there somewhere, needing me to help him, Id still go. Cause Lur needs help worse than Goose and the rest of them. What I felt in the earth, out in the Home Districts what I can feel now, here with you He didnt try to hide the shudder. Sat down again, suddenly close to despair. To tears.Ive got to do something.
I understand that, said Pellen, troubled. Youre your fathers son. But Rafethat boy of Rodyns, hes Believe me, I dont want to go anywhere with the poxy s.h.i.t. But even though its Arlin, Ill still be safer crossing the mountains with him than if I went on my lonesome.
Youre sure about that? Pellen asked quietly. Because Im not.
Dont fret, he said, trying to hide his own doubt. Ive got a few tricks up my sleeve. If Arlin thinks to faddle with me, could be h.e.l.l get himself a nasty surprise.
Its one thing to be confident, said Pellen, with a sharp look. Its another to be Arrogant? Aye. So Im told.
That earned him another sharp look. I see youve convinced yourself theres no other way. But Pellen With an effort, he calmed himself. I cant fratch at him. Hes only trying to help. I dont know if Das dying but I do know Lur is. And its Lur dying thats put Da in his bed like a wax doll.
Maybe thats true, said Pellen, frowning again. But Rafel, speaking as a father, I can tell you your father wouldnt want this for you. All he wants is his son safe and well.
He sat back. Does he? Cause down in Westwailing, when he needed help, when folk were in danger? He risked my life without thinking twice, Pellen. Back Da into a corner and h.e.l.l use anyone. You know that. He used his own best friend. Killed him. So me going over the mountains to save this kingdom? Thats just being a good son, aint it?
Pellens deep sigh turned into a raw, hacking cough. Sickened, Rafel waited for the spasm to pa.s.s, gave his fathers friend water from the bedside pitcher, then waited to see if he was strong enough to keep talking.
Rafel, Pellen croaked, stranded against his bolstering pillows. Are you sure this isnt because your father denied you the last time? Because you blame him for whatever fates befallen your friend?
He shoved out of the chair again. Paced the small, sweet-scented chamber. If I dont do this, Pellen, if I dont save Lur, then every last b.l.o.o.d.y pain Da ever suffered for this kingdom? He suffered it for nowt. I cant have that. I wont have it. Lurs got to live.
Though it cost you your life? said Pellen, and dragged open his blue-veined eyelids. Your father wouldnt want that.
I dont care what he wants, he retorted. Not this time.
Well, then since your minds made up what do you want from me? said Pellen, a wheeze in his voice. An old man with his left foot stuck in the grave?
Good question. Halted at the foot of the bed, he found himself suddenly struggling for words. Da might wake up after Im gone. If he wakes up, andand youyou aint If Im not dead? Pellen shook his head and laughed, the wheeze sounding louder. Rafel, youre b.l.o.o.d.y killing me. No, no, dont apologise. After Charis and Kerril, well-meaning as they are, your bluntness is a breath of fresh air. He sobered. Yes. Ill tell him. Ill try and make him understand. If Im not dead by the time he wakes up.
If he wakes up. The unspoken words hung between them, loud as a shout.
Thank you, he said. I surely appreciate it.
And theres nothing else youve come for? said Pellen. My blessing, perhaps?
Youre as bad as Charis. You both know me too well. I spose, he muttered. Looked up, and met Pellens sad gaze. Since I cant have Das. And Ill not get Mamas. Itd mean something, if you gave it, Pellen. Youre family.
Pellens pain-shadowed eyes washed brilliant. Barl save me, Rafel. You and Asher. Cut from the same cloth. Then he grimaced. About your mother Shes already well fratched at me. I dont see thisll make much difference.
Dont talk tosh, Pellen snapped. Rafel, Ive been friends with your mother close on a quarter century. Right now shes beside herself not knowing who to be more afraid for, you or your father. So if youre determined to do this, youd best do it with your eyes wide open. Youd best face up to what youll be doing to her, by leaving. And to your sister.
Deenie doesnt need me, he said. Shes got Charis. But Mama He rubbed his face. I already know what sh.e.l.l say. She said it already, before I rode out for the Home Districts. She accused me of abandoning Da. She thought I was being reckless and selfish and cruel.
Five days since shed shouted those barbed words, and he was still bleeding.
I dont understand, Pellen. She used to be fierce. She fought as hard as Da ever did to save Lur from Morg. Why doesnt shewhy cant sheI dont understand.
People change, Rafel, Pellen said gently. Women have babies and they change. Shes still fierce. But shes trying to protect her family now. Thats what shes fierce about. Thats what shes fighting for.
Thats why I went! he protested. And its why Ill cross the mountains with Arlin. How can she not know that? How can my own mother not know She knows, Rafe. But her instinct is to protect you. So you be kindly to her, dyou hear me? Dont you The unlatched chamber door swung open. Rafel, said Charis, politely smiling, her eyes coldly watchful. Its been so kind of you, stopping by to see how Papas faring.
In other words, get out now. Mindful of his promise not to wheedle, he smiled at Das dying friend. It was good of you to see me, Pellen. But Charis is right, you need to rest.
Pellen beckoned him closer with one crooked finger. Rafel He walked round the bed and bent low. Aye, Pellen?
Barl keep you safe, boy, Pellen whispered. Pulled him down and kissed his forehead with hot, dry lips. And Jervale watch over you too. You are your fathers son, Rafel. If anyone can save Lur, I think you can.
Until Pellen said it, he didnt realise how much hed wanted to hear that. Needed to hear it. Knowing that a man like Pellen Orrick believed in him Rafel, said Charis sharply. Ill walk you downstairs.
Pellen let his hand drop, and Rafel straightened. Looking down at the man hed known as long as hed known Da, suddenly he was a sprat again, on Darrans bed. And he knew that when Charis closed the chamber door behind him hed have seen Pellen Orrick for the last time. Just as hed known, waving Goose goodbye, that No. I was wrong about that. Ill see Goose again. I will.
Charis opened the front door so hard she nearly pulled it off its hinges. Goodbye.
Why are you fratched at me? he said, staring. You said dont wheedle you and I didnt.
No, you didnt wheedle me, Charis snapped. But you made Papa cry. And thats a lot worse, Rafel. Ill not soon forgive you that.
Cry? He wasnt You think a man has to shed tears to be weeping? she demanded. You broke his b.l.o.o.d.y heart, Rafel, and its not strong enough. Not any more.
Silenced, he pulled a face. Broke his heart, Charis? You sure on that? Could be its another heart youre thinking on.
She slapped him. And then she kissed him, a desperate pressing of warm lips to his. Startled, he tried to kiss her back but she broke free and stumbled out of his reach.
You dont love me, she said, her eyes accusing. You never even saw me. So dont you think, just because youre leaving, dont you think you can His lips were tingling. How dyou know Im leaving? Were you listening?
Of course I was, she said, derisive. Did you think Id not make sure you didnt upset him?
You were listening, he murmured. Slumsk.u.mbledy b.l.o.o.d.y wench. And? What dyou reckon?
I reckon youve got no choice, she said, her voice threatening to break. If things are as bad as you say youve got to go.
Shed taken off the ap.r.o.n and the headscarf. Before he could stop himself, he smoothed a lock of her long dark hair and tucked it sweetly behind her ear.
I saw you, Charis, he said, his voice hoa.r.s.e. There was never a day when I didnt see you.
Her mouth dropped open. Now you tell me? she said, almost breathless. Now? When youre going across the mountains likely to die in a ditch in a strange land all alone? Youyousapskull. You popster. Go away, Rafel. I hate you.
And she slammed the houses front door in his face.
Women.
Aggravated, he made his way round the back of the house, rescued Firedragon from the stable, swung into saddle and headed for home.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX.
Asher lay so still he didnt disturb his swaddling blankets, but Dathne smoothed them anyway. It helped her to feel she was doing something. Helping him. Nursing him, as a good wife should. But the gesture felt pointless. He didnt know she sat beside him because hed gone far away. How could he have walked so far ahead, leaving her behind? Shed always been the leader. From the day they met shed led him where he needed to go. But then hed abandoned her. And now Rafel was abandoning her too.
Like father, like son.
Salt water stung her eyes. She blinked it away. She was tired of weeping. Tears turned her from plain to ugly and they didnt change a thing. Her husband was stupored and her son was leaving. Soon she would be alone, save for a daughter whose frights and imaginings were just one more burden. Once thered been a Dathne who would have fought against that. Who would have rejected such a bleak future and instead pummelled the present until the future changed.
I dont know where she is now. I dont know how to find her.
In the past, when shed been lost and uncertain, shed had Veira to guide her back to the path. To show her where to find her courage. Shed had Matt, as well. But her dear friends were dead and the hand that had held hers during that crushing double griefAshers handwas cold and careless of her needs. She could hold it. She did hold it. But he could not hold her hand in return.
It wasnt supposed to be like this. We saved the kingdom. We were meant to have a happy ending. We thought we had a happy ending. Now were faced with the real ending an ending that will end us.
Unless Rafel prevailed.
Can he prevail, Asher? she whispered. Or will the darkness that lies beyond those mountains swallow him, as its swallowed everyone else whos challenged it? I know hes like you. I know theres a strength and a power in him unmatched in any other Olken. But Asherlook at you. Youve been defeated. That means he can be defeated. He wants me to smile and wave him goodbye. He wants me to be proud of him. He wants that I should celebrate what hes about to do. But I cant. I cant. Hes asking me to dance on his grave before hes even buried in it.
Asher said nothing. After so many years of his brash, vibrant presence, his absence was a gaping wound. The Innocent Mage had ruled her life since she was younger than Deenie. Was woven into her fabric like a thread of gold, glittering. Her touchstone. Her lodestar. Her lamp in the darkness, leading her home.
Now hes being extinguished. And I am powerless to help him.
Despair was a grey tide, lapping at her feet.
Oh, Asher Weary, so weary, she let herself fold to his bed. Rested her cheek on his blankets and imagined his hand, stroking her hair. Imagined his deep voice murmuring comfort. Imagined her body loved by his. Remembered the thousand small ways he gave her joy and the things he did that made her frown.
Make me frown again, Asher. Give me reason to scold.
And still he did not speak to her. For a moment she was so angry with him she wanted to shriek.
You promised me. You promised. Asher, how could you do this?
His silence reproached her.
That was different, she told him. I was Jervales Heir then. I was part of the Circle, bound by oaths I couldnt break. Not even for you. And we werent married when I misled you. We had no children. I owed you nothing.
Kerril kept tapers burning in the chamber. Claimed they had a healing effect. For herself, she found them revolting. But her desperation had reached such heights if Morg himself appeared and offered to Id listen, she whispered. I would. I dont think theres anything I wouldnt do for you. Please, Asher, come back. Deenies hurting so badly, and I cant help her. And Rafeloh, Rafel Aching, she sat up. Threaded her fingers through Ashers lank, l.u.s.treless hair. Touched his closed eyes, his pale lips. Traced the length of his crooked nose. Once, only weeks ago, days, her lightest touch could stir him. Make him smile, and kiss her. And now she might as well be touching a marble effigy.
But she couldnt afford to let herself think about that. She had something particular to say. Something to ask. A question she couldnt leave unanswered.
Jervale alone knows what dangers our son will face, she said, forcing herself to fold her hands in her lap. And he might have power, my love, but power wont be enough. Should I She swallowed, feeling the heat of terror rise in her throat. Asher, should I give him Barls diary?
She wanted to. Jervales mercy, she wanted Rafe to absorb every last warspell in that book and arm himself to the teeth against whatever was waiting beyond the mountains.
We know hes strong enough to wield those magics. You made sure of that in Westwailing. And we cant let him leave this kingdom withoutwithout doing all we can to protect him. How could we do that? Were his parents, Asher. Grown man or not, Rafes still our child.
Sometimes Asher breathed so lightly her eyes tricked her into thinking he wasnt breathing at all. She held her own breath, waiting to see his chest rise waiting to hear that faint sighing of air as it fell Asher, she said, as he breathed, should I give him the diary?
And as though hed spoken, she heard his answer.
No.
No. Loving Rafel wasnt reason enough to reveal this last secret. The diary had to stay hidden. Because Doranen like Arlin Garrick must never learn of its existence. Once released, the warspells couldnt ever be called back. And there were other magics written there, that must never see the light of day. Because Because he could use it to find the way to Lost Dorana. And once there, he might discover magics that make the warspells look safe. I cant risk it. Whatever dangers Lur faces now, theyre nothing compared to unbridled Doranen magic. Asher would never forgive me if I endangered this kingdom. And Id never forgive myself if I put Rafe in harms way. If he cant find that lost, forsaken countrythen h.e.l.l come home again. He will.
She felt sick. In protecting her child, in denying him what he needed for his self-imposed task, she was also betraying him. He believed so hard that what he planned to do was right. Was what his father would want. Was somehow hishis duty.
We did that to him, Asher, she said, staring into her husbands beloved, secret face. The Innocent Mage and Jervales Heir between us we made our son think hed be shown wanting if he didnt throw his life away for Lur. Shame on us. Shame on us.
Asher said nothing. She took his silence for a.s.sent. Felt the hot tears spill, and meander down her face. It was the only warm thing about her. She was so cold. And brutally alone. As a young woman, as the Heir, shed learned to accept that her life must be solitary and would likely remain so. And then Asher had come and turned belief inside out. Shattered acceptance. Dared her to daring. Shed broken the rules. Broken his heart. Broken her own heart. And yet theyd mended. Made a life. Made children. Found joy. Found peace.
But peace, it seemed, was nowt but illusion. Joy was fleeting. Children left. And the man she loved more than peace and joy, more than life, was broken againand she couldnt mend him.
Beyond the hushed chambers uncurtained window the night sky was filling with clouds. Another storm brewing. Lurs pain taking form. In the earth, in her blood and bones, she felt its vicious echoes. But that pain was dull. Her pain for Asher was sharp.
I am in my own death throes. If he dies so do I.
Stranded in her chamber, curled up on her bed, kept dull and quiet with Kerrils possets, Deenie felt the storm break like gla.s.s shattering in her blood. Its violence rushed through her, scouring her clean of herbs and conjured apathy. Whimpering, she pressed her hands to her temples to hold in the hurt. It did no good. Every beat of her heart pumped it through and through her shaking body. Like gla.s.s, Lur was breaking.
Am I breaking with it?
She wasnt a child any longer, to run crying to Mama. There was no comfort there anyway. Mama was almost empty these days, all the fight poured out of her. Shed spent her whole life fighting and now she was tired.
Im tired too. Im tired of feeling things n.o.body else can feel. Im tired of not being believed. Im tired of being alone. Of being afraid. Of being a mouse waiting for the hungry cat to pounce.
Frighted and lonely, knowing shed most likely regret it, she sought out her brother. Hed been home a handful of hours but theyd not spoken yet. Shed heard him and Mama, though, shouting. Shed not drowsed her way through that. So much hurt and anger, pins and needles in her heart. Theyd shouted about him leaving again. About Da, and Barls Mountains. About Goose and the others whod gone away and werent going to come back. Because she couldnt help either of them, shed stuffed her fingers in her ears.
Rafe was in his privy chamber, hunched in the window-seat reading an old, tattered ma.n.u.script. Standing in the doorway, she waited for him to notice her.
Go away, he said, not looking up. Im busy.
That ma.n.u.script.i.t was Tollins account of his expedition, that failed. The first time shed found Rafe reading itout in the Tower gardens, where hed go to be alone and where she could always find himthey were both sprats. Nearly nine, shed been, and sure as sure he wasnt sposed to have it. Had spied on him reading bits aloud to himself, playing parts, playing explorer, then crept away before she could betray herself, giggling. But he wasnt a sprat now, and neither was she.
Rafe, she said softly, inching her way acrosss the carpet. Do you really think Tollins records will help?
I said go away, he muttered. The chambers glimlight sputtered, throwing shadows every which way, echoing the earths ceaseless unrest. Dont make me make you.
But she persisted, because his threats didnt scare her. Even with all that power in him, straining to burst loose, churning in his blood like the whirlpools down in Westwailing. He was her brother. She could never fear him.
The others wouldve seen that ma.n.u.script, you know. Goose and Fernel Pintte and Sarle Baden. If it didnt help them, I dont see it helping you.
An exasperated sigh hissed between his teeth. Deenie And then he let his head fall back against the wainscoting. How did you know Im going? Were you listening too? He pulled a face. b.l.o.o.d.y girls.
I wasnt listening, she said crossly, because the way he said it meant something sneaky and sly. I heard. You might think on keeping your voice down if you want to talk secrets on the stairs.