I"ve never cried for them. I never knew how. But as I push my way through the crowd and head toward the Jubilee Bridge the tears don"t show any sign of stopping. The rawness inside me is too powerful. My skin feels as if it is on fire. Years of grief burning its way to the surface and bleeding me dry. I choke out uncontrolled sobs, ripping the scarf from my neck as it suffocates my throat. I stumble forward as my legs weaken. Grabbing onto the railings of the bridge, I fall to my knees while years of heartache leaves my tremulous body.
Noel.
I already knew what was wrong. As soon as the veterans band started playing the Tamzin I was just laughing with instantly vanished and became that lost and terrified young girl. Her face was grey, her eyes wide with unshed tears waiting to spill as she looked right through me. I"d never saw her that vulnerable and unprotected, and something told me that this was the time when the grief suddenly caught hold of her.
Dodging my way through endless people, I call but she carries on. Like the further she runs the easier it will become. Panic strikes me harder when I lose sight of her for a few seconds. I want to hold her. I want to love her. I want to protect her. As the crowd breaks, I see her. The deep painful sobs coming from a small broken woman on her knees is a blow to the gut. My heart hurt for her. I wanted to take that pain away so all she felt was happiness and love. I hated to see her this way but I"m glad I"m here to catch her.
She doesn"t flinch as I kneel beside her, the heat off of her body radiating through her coat as her small frame convulses with heartache. Peeling her hand from the railings, I place it around my shoulders as my arm circles around her waist. Pulling her close as her other hand still grips the bridge. She isn"t close enough. I want to hold her with every part of me but she won"t let go. Like she will cave further into her anguish if she gives into the fight she is already battling. I place my hand over hers, removing her fingers from the bars one by one. "Let go, Tami," I say softly.
"I-I can"t."
"You can. I"ve got you."
As soon as she does, her arm flings around my neck, gripping onto me like her life depends on it. I smooth my hand over her hair as I rock us against the cold. "I want them back, Noel. It hurts so bad."
"Shh, I know," I whisper. "You"re going to be ok, Angel. I promise everything"s going to be ok."
"Make it stop," she weeps. "Please make it stop."
The night grows darker as the bitter cold soaks into the core. I don"t know how long we stay on the bridge, but Tamzin"s sobs drift softly into shudders as she breathes against my neck. The thickness of our coats prevent the closeness of our skin, creating a barrier I don"t want. The drive home is silent as she rests against the window. I hold her hand to let her know she has me.
Once inside, I help Tamzin change back into her winter socks and oversized jumper as silent tears slide down her cheeks. I stoke up the fire and pour us some wine while silent night plays softly in the background. The tightness in my chest never eases as my concerns are on overload. When you lose someone you love it"s the worst feeling in the world but I had my family with me. Tamzin was alone and unaware that what she feels is part of the harrowing process.
She sits on the sofa crossed-legged, hair messed, eyes red and puffy. I watch her daydreaming as the embers of the fire flicker in her grey eyes. She"s my beautiful broken girl and I want to somehow make it right. She"s not spoken a word since the bridge and I need something, anything just to know I haven"t lost her completely.
"I miss them so much," she murmurs. "Sometimes I feel like I"ve forgotten about them and I fight to get those memories back. But when I do think of them it hurts so much I want it to stop." I move closer, taking her hand as her tears fall. "December was always our favourite month. Everything was over exaggerated and bright. The house full of magic and life. Every morning I"d bounce out of bed and ran down the stairs to see what fun would fill another day. The twenty-one years I had with them were incredible and our Christmases were the best." She wipes her tears with her sleeves. "In all those years I shared with them December never felt like it does now. It"s cold and dark and I loathe it. Everything is gone and as much as I want it back because I feel like I"m letting them down, I don"t know how to overcome it. I don"t want to feel like this when I think of them." She turns to look at me. "I don"t want to be this person anymore, Noel, because that"s not who they brought me up to be."
"Shh." I pull her into my arms and hold her tight. She needs this. To finally let go of the pain so she can rebuild a life she sees as broken. "What you feel is normal, Tamzin. It"s all part of how you deal with loss. Yours just took a little longer to break through."
"I feel like I"m weak."
"You"re not weak, Angel. It just means you have a heart." I stroke her hair, resting my chin on her head. If I could take her pain and relive what I"ve already been through myself I would. "I know it"s hard, and I know you"re hurting, but it"s now your time to begin to accept that they"re gone and try to build your life back. I know you can do it because you"ve been doing it with me. You can"t see that spark in your eyes or the life that shines in your presence but it"s there. I see it. You just have to believe."
"You"re helping me believe, Noel." She looks up at me. "I don"t think I could have gotten through another December if it wasn"t for you, and I may not have always shown it but I really do appreciate everything you"re doing for me."
"I"m right here with you." Her eyes are filled with courage and warmth. The glow from the soft light in the room makes her more beautiful than ever as she holds my gaze. Tonight has changed something between us. Brought us even closer in our hearts, not just our bodies.
"I"m scared," she says barely above a whisper.
My eyes narrow. "Of what?"
"Being alone. I don"t want to wake up feeling like that anymore."
I run my thumb over her soft pink lips and murmur, "No one said you have to, Angel." I meant every word I just spoke. I want to be here for her. I want to be the one she turns to when things get tough. I want to be the one that holds her on a cold winter"s night and I want to be the one that makes love to her unconditionally. And I"ll do anything to make sure she never feels alone again.
"You"re bringing me out of a dark hole I"ve been lost in for some time. You have no idea how good that feels."
I kiss her lips softly before she opens up so our tongues can meet. Her hand slides up my chest to cup my neck as I wrap her in my arms. Placing my thumb on the cover of her eye, I catch the stray tear that"s about to slip, and I take in her features. "You truly are a beautiful woman, Tamzin King."
"Even with my ugly cries?" she whispers with a smile, eyes full of various emotions I"m unsure what they"re telling me. But what I do know is whatever doubts I may have had before have now been resolved. She"s the only woman I see a future with.
"Even with your ugly cries."
Tamzin.
These last few days my emotions have been unpredictable and exhausting. Moments where I break down, confused, hurt and feeling hollow, yet moments when my heart feels like it"s going to burst with the new feelings that hold it. I guess this is where my heart has finally registered that they"re gone. It makes me wonder how long I would"ve continued the way I had if Noel hadn"t of been here. Maybe the dream I had was reality telling me that Noel was, in fact, the one that would help me find my way. My grandparents were a great believer in fate and I strongly believe it was fate that has brought Noel and me together, because since he"s been in my life I"ve looked at things differently to what I would have done over a month ago. I no longer curse Christmas, I can"t say that I"m overly ecstatic about it but I don"t want to not miss out on it either, I want to be a part of what I used to have and I wouldn"t have done that without him.
Since my breakdown on Jubilee Bridge our ventures have slowed a little. Most nights have been spent in front of the fire watching old movies under blankets and that"s been just as gratifying as our nights out sightseeing deeper into Christmas.
"Good evening, Angel." He says, wrapping his arms around me to hug me from behind. I left the door on the latch as I knew his arrival was imminent. "What are you doing?"
His voice is inquisitive as his chin rests on my shoulder, my hands a little dirty from arranging the red poinsettia into the plant pot. "I went to the cemetery today to place the wreath on my grandparents" grave. I took some of the poinsettias as it looked a little over crowded, so I"m planting them to have them here."
"You went on your own? I would have gone with you."
I towel off my hands and turn in his arms, wrapping mine around his neck. I wanted to go alone. I needed that time to find some closure. "I know but I needed to be on my own for a while." The warmth of his embrace causes that net of b.u.t.terflies to open and take flight in my belly. His deep chocolate eyes are locked on me, most likely trying to work out if I"m possibly going to break down again. His pink kissable lips are awaiting mine. His tie has been loosened, the top b.u.t.ton of his shirt popped open to show off the dip between his collar bones. He"s such an incredibly gorgeous guy, and in a suit, he"s even more desirable.
"Were you ok?" His hands smooth up my back, the little caresses I"ve become to adore.
"Yeah, I was there a while but it helped a lot. I feel more positive about everything now."
"That"s great." He places a kiss on my forehead. "Are you feeling up to going out this evening?"
After being out nearly every other evening over the week"s, cabin fever is beginning to set in, and I know in order to move forward I can"t put life on hold. "You know what, I think I am. Where are you taking me this time?"
"Go get a little black dress on, we"re going to dinner."
"I think a black dress is a little over the top for KFC, babe," I tease.
"Just as well it"s Clos Maggiore then."
"What!" My jaw hits the floor, my eyes wide. "We"re going there? That"s like the most romantic restaurant in London."
"Exactly." He grins.
For the first time in all the time we"ve spent together, tonight I feel the nerves jangle inside. I"m not sure whether it"s because we"re sat in one of London"s finest restaurants in Covent Garden, or the fact my heart has well and truly fallen and I don"t want to think about what that means next week as our month is coming to a close.
Clos Maggiore is a spectacular restaurant with a great selection of French cuisine. The magical atmosphere hits you as soon as you walk through the door. A crown of fairy lights and flowers cover the ceiling like starlight, a roaring fire situated in the centre glowing your skin and the soft violin music in the background doubles the romantic feel.
I wore my snug black b.o.o.b tube dress and black heels and Noel wore an even s.e.xier jet black tux. I wasn"t sure the man could take my breath any more than he already has until I saw him at my door. For dinner, Noel had Welsh rack of lamb with goat"s cheese and I had a delicious meal of honey glazed duck with turnips and sugar snaps. Every last bite was mouth-watering and delicious.
"Would you like dessert?" Noel asks, wiping his mouth with his napkin.
"No, I"m good. I"ll save dessert for later." I wink. "Thank you, though, it was amazing." I take my goblet of wine and swirl it a little before taking a sip. I notice that there"s something on his mind as he hesitates before he speaks.
"So I"ve been meaning to say, I always spend Christmas Eve with my family. This year they"re all coming to mine for the evening and as you probably guessed we"re not ones for keeping it low-key." I"m not sure if it is an invitation or a statement, which if it is the latter, I have no right to argue. Noel has every right to want to spend Christmas with his family.
"That"s fine I don"t mind staying at mine."
His eyes narrow. "What? Why would you do that?"
I focus on the scrunched napkin that sits on my empty plate, a gut twist of solitude forming in my stomach. "Well, understandably you"ll want to spend time with your family. You won"t want me hanging off your hip waiting for my next emotional outburst to expire. Spend it with your family, just as long as I can have you for New Year"s Eve."
His hand slides across the table to take mine, smoothing his thumb over my knuckles. "Look at me, please." His voice is soft but demanding. I do as he asks. "When I said I wanted to spend December with you that meant Christmas included. I want you there with me and I want to wake up beside you Christmas morning."
My breath catches a little and I whisper. "You do?"
"I gave you my word, Tamzin. I don"t go back on that. I was going to say that if it gets too much you have to tell me." That twist in my stomach suddenly disappears, replaced with a feeling that is a little overwhelming. For the first time in nearly five years, I"m not going to be alone at Christmas.
Noel gets up from the table, running his hand down the front of his shirt as if forgetting he"s not wearing a tie. He tucks his chair under the table and steps towards me, and I"m unsure of what he"s doing. "Miss King, would you do me the honour of accepting a dance with me?" he says, holding out his hand.
I smile at how gracious he is. "Can you behave yourself? Because the last time we danced I was pinned to the wall and incredibly aroused." I twist in my seat to face him. "And as much as I loved that, I don"t think these guests would appreciate any s.e.xual displays whilst eating their roasted vegetables."
His grin is across his face before I even finish my sentence. "I"ll try to remain in control."
Taking his hand to stand, I"m immediately pulled into him while his other hand rests firmly on my a.s.s. I step back a fraction to find his eyes. "And speaking of control, please refrain your hands from going anywhere near my panties."
"Oh?" he looks surprised.
"Babe, the Ice Kingdom was one thing but there"s no way in h.e.l.l you"re going near me in this place."
"You almost sound nervous." He smirks.
"Oh I"m not nervous, I"d just rather be spared of the humiliation when my mugshot hits next week"s newspapers."
We head towards the open s.p.a.ce of the restaurant; couples in fine clothing and designer jewellery take no notice that we"re the only ones amongst diners that have created our own dance floor. A large Christmas tree stands tall in the corner; Nutcrackers aside of it as a unique coloured garland lay along the mantelpiece. Noel"s hand rests on the small of my back, his other hand holds mine. I"m pressed closer to his solid chest; his hot breath hits my ear as his head rests against the side of mine. The soft cla.s.sical music and lighting provides a dreamy feel. A mood that I know we both feel. I close my eyes as we sway gently, breathing him in as my body falls into him. My heart feels complete with the ever growing devotion he creates inside of me. We are lost in our own timeless s.p.a.ce in the city"s place of love. Things are changing between us and I know he feels it too. This connection of what we could be. Of what I want it to be.
"I"m addicted to everything that you are, Tamzin. Every time you"re close I crave more." I am unsure of what he is trying to say, but I need him to know exactly what he is doing to me. What a wise woman once told me I"d find even if it were unexpected. I lift my head and move my hand to his jaw, looking deep into his gaze. "My gran was full of belief all year, but once December came she always stood by her words," I murmur.
"Which were?"
"That even in the coldest of winters you"ll always find a warmth that seals your heart." I move closer, our lips a breath apart.
"And do you stand by what she said?" he whispers.
"Yes." I place my lips on his with a kiss that is as delicate as the stars, opening just a fraction so the tip of our tongues meet. We tease one another in light loving strokes as the overwhelming feelings take over. "Take me home, Noel," I whisper.
Noel.
I slowly trail my nose up along her jawline, inhaling her everlasting scent that makes me lose myself each and every time. Her breath bounces against my neck, her fingertips at my waistline waiting for permission to expose my desire that"s pressed against her stomach. I don"t want that just yet, though. I"m in control of this moment. This moment that I want to last forever as I mark every inch of her skin with my lips, my eyes, my soul. This moment is like every other time; we"re lost in a world of Noel and Tamzin. Lost in a paradise of who we are and united in one another in the height of pure addiction and enteral pa.s.sion. I want to cherish all that she is. Lay her down and love her the way in which she deserves and engrave myself into her soul so she"ll never forget what we have. What I do to her. I want her to remember who"s been between her thighs, got inside her head and worked his way into her heart.
"You drive me crazy, Tamzin."
She raises on her tiptoes; I groan as she pulls my lip with her teeth. "Then let"s get crazy together."
"But what if I don"t want to get crazy?" I whisper. Her fingers dance over my bare stomach, running them over the tight muscle, her liquid eyes locked on mine.
"Are you saying you don"t want me? Because your c.o.c.k is telling me otherwise."
I reply with an amused smile. "I think you know that I"ll never not want you." I sweep the hair from her face. "But what if I want to just fall into you and feel all that you are? All that we are. Feel this ever-growing connection between us in a way that neither of us has experienced in our time together."
Her eyes narrow, a slight nervous sn.i.g.g.e.r left her as her eyes leave me. "We"ve f.u.c.ked countless times, Noel; doesn"t that amount as some kind of connection?"
I don"t want to f.u.c.k her hard and make her scream. Not tonight. I want to whisper sweet nothings in her ear as she moans softly beneath me, feeling her clench around me as we become one.
I lift her chin to meet her eyes, unzipping the side of her dress. Her body shudders with the exposure to the cool room the fire is yet to reach. I dust my thumbs over her perked nipples that greet me as her dress falls from her frame. She"s breathless and beautiful. I trail my fingers down her waist to the curve of her hips, the neat black lace of her underwear is pressed to her body like it"s been painted on. My fingers hook inside where I push them to her ankles. The slower I am with my travels the more intense the air between us builds. Tamzin"s skin is now on fire, the heat from her is as powerful as my own. "We"ve f.u.c.ked, yeah. But we"re yet to qualify for anything else."
I find her sweet tongue, engaging in a blistering kiss I know she"s been waiting on. Her hand comes to my jaw, the other spams the muscle of my back, holding on in desperation. Over the weeks I"ve got to know Tamzin"s desires as though it"s a part of my daily routine. I know when to touch her and when to not. Which part of her body"s weaker than the other. When to go hard, and when to go harder. I know every detail of her inside and out. But we"ve never had this. This intense impulse of pa.s.sion. This powerful need of love.
I remove my trousers, my c.o.c.k hard as steel and aching for my love. Guiding her back and onto the bed, I kneel myself on the mattress, bringing her to wrap her legs around me, chest to chest. "I never told you how beautiful you looked for me tonight. But I"m not sorry about that. Because right here with your arms around my neck, your legs around my hips, skin against mine, you"re the most precious most beautiful thing any man could wish for." I run my thumb along her folds, circling her swollen bud, her head falls back, lips part. She"s spectacular. A textbook of hot s.e.x and sweet sugar.
"Noel..."
My heart"s pounding against my chest by the way she says my name. I"ve never experienced the feelings that are running wild inside me right now. It"s engulfing me but I don"t want it to fade. Tamzin rotates her hips into my thumb, and I slide a finger inside her, the friction of her against my c.o.c.k almost sends me over the edge. Her whimpers fall heavy into the room as she tremors, releasing her hotness to coat my fingers.
"Taste yourself, Angel. See what I do to you." She sucks my fingers and we both groan before I claim her mouth. I lay her back on the mattress, nudging her legs apart to slide inside her. She feels unbelievable. Hot and soft against my hard c.o.c.k. Connected to my body and soul.
"I wish we can stay like this forever," she rasps.
"Who says we can"t?"
"I"ve never wanted anyone the way I want you." She"s robbed me of my own words. I start to rock us, slow but deep. I want to give her everything she never had. Everything she ever dreams of having. I want her above me and beneath me. Heart and soul. Body to body. Skin on skin. Deep inside her as she takes my breath. Just her.
"You"ve ruined me, Tamzin. You feel too d.a.m.n good to let you go."
For the first time in my life, I"m not concerned about the consequences my action may have if we should become caught out. I"ve seen and witnessed her birth control. If anything should come of this, it would only be a blessing. I entwine our hands as I drive my hips. I feel every hit, every tremor and cry. Her legs begin to quiver, her eyes close, heat raising up my limbs as every part of who I am builds with tension. "Look at me, Tami. Don"t take your eyes away." I want to memorise every inch of her. There is something about the way we work together that ignites inside me. We"re no longer the people we were at the beginning of December and as we coat each other in our pa.s.sion, I know she understands that too.
Noel.
The warmth from my house radiators and the heat from the oven is enough to suffocate me the longer I stay in the kitchen. Karen just called to say that everyone is on their way and to make sure Uncle No-No" has Twiglets. Ruby"s latest favourite snack that both Karen and I despise. She takes after my brother with her ridiculous eating habits and James is more than proud to have a true daddy"s girl. Every Christmas Eve the Thompsons spend it together, pure chaos and laughter as we reel in the excitement of the coming day. Tamzin has been unusually quiet today, but I put this down to the fact her own family is no longer here and with the new one she is about to be welcomed into, I can only imagine she"s feeling unsettled.
I head toward the bedroom and rest against the doorframe watching Tamzin get ready. She"s sat at the dressing table in front of the mirror. I watch in awe. The unique steady flow of her hand that flicks the black eyeliner over her eyelids always amazes me. The rose colour lip gloss she runs over her soft lips and the way she turns her head to look at either side of her face, as though she has to examine her cheeks in great detail. She"s beautiful, an angel. My angel.
"Have you forgotten that a mirror can make the person in front of it see behind them?" She smiles.
"Have you notice that the person behind you is s.e.xy as h.e.l.l and f.u.c.ks like a G.o.d?"
She bursts out laughing. "Do you ever get tired of boosting your own ego?"
"Do you ever get tired of hearing me do it? Because let"s not forget that we both know that it"s true."
"Keep telling yourself that," she says with an amused smile, waving me off as though she"s heard it all before. I walk up behind her to lean over, wrapping my arm around her neck and kissing her temple, resting my head against hers to look at her through the mirror.
"What time is everyone arriving?"
"In about thirty minutes. Karen"s just called to say they are on their way."
"I best get dressed." Kissing my arm, she leaves the seat and I jump in her place. "I can"t wait to meet them." She stops and turns quickly a slight look of panic on her face. "They do know about me don"t they?"