As Maurice did the same there shot through his mind a wonder at the change there must be in the mental att.i.tude of the woman who spoke with haughtiness almost insulting to the stranger, and the penitent who bent to ask pity and forgiveness from heaven. He tried to fix his thoughts on his own prayer, but the words ran on as mechanically as might water flow over a stone. The serious danger of a ritualistic religion must always be that the mere repet.i.tion of words shall come to answer for an act of worship; and to-night Maurice might have exclaimed with King Claudius:--
"My words fly up; my thoughts remain below."
The service went on with its deep, appealing prayers for pardon, for help, for uplifting, and Maurice followed it only half consciously. It was as if he were drugged, so that only now and then a phrase penetrated to his real consciousness,--words which in their instant and particular application were so poignant that he could not avoid their force.
""From all inordinate and sinful affections,"" repeated the rich voice of Mr. Candish, thrilling the church from floor to vaulted, roof, ""and from the deceits of the world, the flesh, and the devil.""
""Good Lord, deliver us!"" swelled the response of the congregation; and on the lips of the deacon the words were almost a groan.
He lost himself then in a flood of bitter repentance and prayer, hardly realizing where he was or what was pa.s.sing around him. The music swelled and eddied; there was a genuine "Kyrie," wherein a single voice, a rich contralto, wailed and implored in a pa.s.sion of supplication until the whole congregation quivered with the fervor of the music. Maurice felt himself swayed and lifted upon the rising tide of emotion. He lost his anger, he swam in billows of celestial delight; a blessed peace soothed his troubled soul; he knew again some of the old-time ecstasy. Yet in all this religious fervor there was some subtle consciousness that it was unreal. He was not able so completely to give himself up to it as to fail to watch its growth, its progress, its intensity; he was vexed that he should trap himself, as it were, glorying in the susceptibility to religious influences which such excitement showed. He had even a whimsical, momentary irritation that the part of his mind which was acting the devotee could not do it so well that his other consciousness could not detect the unreality of it all. Then he struggled to forget everything in the service; to steep himself in the spiritual intoxication of the hour.
The girl whom he had introduced into the pew dropped her prayer-book.
He turned, startled by the sound, and saw her sway toward him. He realized that the crowd, the heat, the excitement, the odor of incense with which the air was heavy, had overcome her, and that she was fainting. He rose instantly, and, lifting her, a.s.sisted her into the aisle. She was half in his arms as he led her down the nave, and her hair, the hair which had seemed to him like that of Berenice, brushed now and again against his shoulder. He recalled the wreck, when Berenice had been in his arms, and his religious mood vanished as if it had never been. His cheek flushed; he thrilled with anger at himself.
He had been playing a part here in the church. He had never for an instant wished to be set free from his bondage to Berenice,--Berenice who had to-night mocked him and his profession in the eyes of all the world.
The way to the door seemed interminable. He was eager to get rid of this stranger and escape. Fortunately the party to which the fainting girl belonged were at hand to take charge of her; and presently Maurice had made his way out of the church. He hardly gave a thought to Mrs.
Wilson. She was abundantly able to take care of herself, he reflected with angry amus.e.m.e.nt; or, if not, the very pavement would spring up with troops of men to a.s.sist her. She was the sort of woman whose mere presence creates cavaliers, even in the most unlikely places.
The cool outer air seemed to wake him from a bad dream. He walked hastily through the quiet streets toward the Clergy House, full of disordered thoughts, wondering whether the ball were yet over, or if Berenice were still dancing in the arms of other men. The blood flushed into his cheeks at the thought. He hated furiously the partner against whose shoulder her white, bare arm might be resting. He looked back with ever growing anger to the scene at the dance, tingling with shame at the humiliation, at the thought of standing before the women who had laughed when Berenice had fastened upon his breast the tawdry trinket which seemed chosen purposely to mock him. He wished that he had kept the toy, that he might now throw it down into the mire and tread on it.
Yet grotesque and insulting as the thing had been, he was conscious that if the little mask were still in his possession he should not have been able to trample on it, but should have taken it to his lips instead. He remembered that now Stanford wore it. He looked up to the shining stars and felt the overwhelming presence of night like a child; his helplessness, his misery, his hopelessness swept over him in bitter waves.
Late as it was when he reached his room he did not at once undress. He sat down heavily, staring with hot eyes at the crucifix opposite. From black and unknown depths of his heart welled up rage against life and its perplexities. He threw upon his faith the blame of his suffering.
What was this religion which made of all human joys, of all human instincts only devilish devices for the torture of the very soul? Why should the world be filled only with temptations, with humiliations, with desires which burned into the very heart yet which must be denied?
Was any future bliss worth the struggle? He realized with a shudder that he might be arraigning the Maker of the world; then he a.s.sured himself that he was but raging against those who misunderstood and misinterpreted the purposes of life.
He flung himself down on his knees before the crucifix in a quick reaction of mood, extending his hands and trying to pray; but he found himself repeating over and over: "For Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory." He felt with the whole strength of his soul the force of the words. This deity to whom he knelt might in a breath change all his agony; might out of overflowing power and dominion and splendor spill but one unnoted drop, yet flood all his tortured being with richest happiness. The contrast between his weakness, his helplessness, his insignificance, and the superabundant resources of the Infinite crushed him. He was transported with aching pity for himself and for all poor mortals. He repeated, no longer in entreaty but with pa.s.sionate reproach: "For _Thine_ is the kingdom and the power and the glory." It seemed an insult to the clemency of Heaven to call so piteously when it were a thing lighter than the puffing away of a flake of swan"s down for One with all power to help and to comfort. If he were in the hands of a G.o.d to whom belonged the universe, why this agony of doubt? Then he cried out to himself that this was the temptation of the devil. He cast himself upon the ground, beating his breast and moaning wildly: "Mea culpa! Mea culpa!" With quick histrionic perception he was affected by the intensity and the effectiveness of his penitence, and redoubled his fervor.
Then in a flash came over him the sickening realization that this devotion was a sham; that it was hysteria, simple pretense. He ceased to writhe on the floor. It was like coming to consciousness in a humiliating situation. He blushed at his folly, and rose hastily from before the crucifix.
"I have been acting private theatricals," he muttered scornfully; "and for what audience?"
He threw himself again into his chair, burying his face in his hands.
He plunged into a reverie so deep and so self-searching that it could have been fathomed by no plummet.
"I do not believe," he said at last aloud, raising his face as if to address the crucifix. "I have never believed. I have simply bejuggled myself. I have been a contemptible lie in the sight of men, not even knowing enough to be honest to myself."
He was silent a moment, a smile of bitter contempt curling his lip.
"I have not even been a man," he added.
Then he rose with a spring to his feet, and looked about him, stretching out his arms as if to embrace all the world.
"But now," he exclaimed with gladness bursting through every syllable, "at last I am free!"
XXVIII
BEDECKING ORNAMENTS OF PRAISE Love"s Labor"s Lost, ii. 1.
When Maurice Wynne"s bitter word stung her, Berenice Morison stood for a second too overwhelmed to speak or move. She felt the blood mount to her temples, and she could see reflected in the eyes of acquaintances around a mingled curiosity and amus.e.m.e.nt. Wynne pa.s.sed on, and she shrank into her seat, which fortunately was near.
"Who in the world is that, and what did he say to you when you gave him that favor?" exclaimed her neighbor. "I don"t see how you dared to do it!"
A gentleman took the speaker away, so that Berenice was spared the necessity of answering. She watched Wynne advance to the group of which Mrs. Wilson was the centre, and she understood well enough that his being here was some contrivance of the latter"s. She was angry with Wynne and humiliated by the insult that he had flung at her, yet she had room in her heart for rage against the woman who had brought him there. She looked at Mrs. Wilson laughing and jesting, she watched the comedy proceed as the black domino covered the white shoulders and the gown of gold and crimson, yet most of all was she conscious of how straight and strong Maurice stood among the gay group which surrounded him. The sternness of his mouth, the gravity and indignation of his look, seemed to her most manly and n.o.ble. She felt that he had by his bearing mastered the absurd circ.u.mstances in which he was placed; she smiled bitterly to think how poor and flippant had been her own thoughtless jest. When Maurice threw the favor on the table, Berenice saw Clara Carstair take it up and give it to Parker Stanford. She watched Wynne and Mrs. Wilson leave the hall, two solemn, black-robed figures pa.s.sing like shadows among the dancers. When they had disappeared she sat with eyes cast down, her thoughts in a whirl of regret, anger, and confusion.
"Well, did you ever know Mrs. Wilson to get up a circus equal to that before?" queried her partner, coming back to his place beside her. "She gets more amazing every day."
"She certainly gets to be worse form every day. It"s outrageous that everybody lets Mrs. Wilson do anything she chooses, no matter how bad taste it is."
"Oh, she amuses folks," Mr. Van Sandt said. "n.o.body takes her seriously."
"It is time that they did," answered Berenice rather sharply. "Such a performance as this to-night makes us all seem vulgar,--as if we were her accomplices."
"Oh, you take it too seriously; besides, I thought that you helped it on a bit."
Berenice was silenced, but she was none the happier for that. She was vexed with herself for having any feeling about the incident; but the word of Wynne came afresh into her mind, and brought the blood anew to her cheek. She said to herself that she hoped that she should meet him soon again, that she might wither him with a glance of burning contempt, ever after to ignore him.
"You think I wouldn"t do it," she sneered to some inner doubt; "but I would!"
She was interrupted by a partner, and went whirling down the bright hall to the tingling measures of a new waltz; yet all the while she was thinking of the moment she had stood face to face with Maurice. She scoffed at herself for giving so much weight to a thing so trifling; she made a strong effort to appear gay, only the more keenly to realize that at heart she was miserable.
Mrs. Staggchase, on her way out of the hall a little later, stopped and spoke to her.
"Come, Bee, it is time for you to go home. You don"t seem to profit by the G.o.dly example of Elsie Wilson at all."
"Heaven forbid that I should take her as my exemplar!" Berenice flung back with unnecessary fervor.
"Well," Mrs. Staggchase observed good-humoredly, "there are things in which it is conceivable that you might find a better model. By the way, what did Cousin Maurice say to you when you gave him that german favor?
Of course I haven"t any right to ask, but you see I am interested in bringing the boy up properly."
Berenice flushed with confusion and vexation.
"It was something no gentleman would have said!"
"Ah," the other returned with perfect calmness, "that is the danger of doing an unladylike thing. It is so apt to provoke an ungentlemanly return. Men, you know, my dear, haven"t the fine instincts that we have. However, I"m sorry that Maurice didn"t behave better than you did. Good-night, dear."
Mrs. Staggchase had hardly gone when Parker Stanford came up with a favor.
"I am tired, Mr. Stanford," Berenice said. "Thank you, but you had better ask some one else."
"I"d rather sit it out with you," he answered.
"Nonsense; one doesn"t sit out turns in the german."
"They do if they wish."