x.x.x
PARTED OUR FELLOWSHIP Oth.e.l.lo, ii. 1.
Berenice had abundant leisure to reflect upon her att.i.tude toward her lovers, for Mrs. Frostwinch was soon so seriously ill that it was evident to all that the end was at hand. Berenice devoted herself to the invalid, although there was little that she could do. The sick woman did not suffer; she seemed merely to be fading out of life; to have lost her hold upon something which was slipping from her loosened grasp.
"The fact is, Bee," Mrs. Frostwinch said one day, "that the doctors say I"m dead. I"m beginning to believe it myself, and when I"m fully convinced, I suppose that that"ll be the end."
"Oh, don"t joke about it, Cousin Anna," cried Bee. "It is too dreadful."
"It won"t make it any less dreadful to be solemn over it," the other answered. "However, death should be spoken of with respect; even one"s own."
Berenice longed to know what had taken place between her cousin and Mrs. c.r.a.pps, but she hardly liked to ask. That there had been a disagreement of some kind, and that Mrs. Frostwinch had lost faith in the woman, she knew; but beyond this she was in the dark. One afternoon, however, her cousin explained matters.
"It is so humiliating, Bee, that I can hardly bear to think of it, the way things turned out. My conscience will be easier, though, if I tell you the whole of it. It is so vulgar that it makes me creep. We were at Jekyll"s Island, and she had an ulcerated tooth."
"I thought she couldn"t have such things?"
"She thought or pretended that she couldn"t. I must say that she fought against it with tremendous pluck; but the face kept swelling, and the pain got to be more than she could bear. When she gave out she went to pieces completely. She literally rolled on the floor and howled. I couldn"t go on believing in her after that. She"d actually made herself ridiculous."
"But," began Berenice, "I should think"--
"If it had been something dangerous, so that I had had to think of her life," went on her cousin, not heeding, "I could have borne it; but that common thing! Why, her face looked like a drunken cook"s! I can"t tell you the humiliation of it!"
"But if she could help you, why not herself?"
Mrs. Frostwinch smiled wanly.
"I"ve tried to think that out," answered she. "It was always said of the old witches, you know, that they couldn"t help themselves. It is faith in somebody else that is behind the wonders they do. I"ve grown very wise in the last few weeks, Bee. I don"t pretend that I understand all the facts, but I do know pretty well what the facts are. I believed in Mrs. c.r.a.pps, and that belief kept me up. When I couldn"t believe in her, that was the end of it."
There seemed to Berenice something uncanny and monstrous in this calm acquiescence. She could not comprehend how her cousin could give up the struggle for life in this fashion, after having succeeded so long in holding death at bay.
"But surely," she protested, "you can"t be willing to let everything depend upon her. You"ve proved the possibility"--
"I"ve proved the possibility of depending upon somebody else; that"s all."
"Then find another woman that you can believe in."
"It is too late. I can"t have the faith over again. I should always be expecting another humiliating downfall of my prophetess."
She was silent a moment, and then continued:--
"Do you know, Bee, it seems to me after all that my experience is like almost all religion. There are a few men and women who believe in themselves in that self-poised way that makes it possible for them to get on with just ethics; and there are those who can take hold of unseen things; but for the rest of us it"s necessary to have some human being to lean on. I hope I don"t shock you. I lie awake in the night a good deal, and my mind seems clearer than it used to be. All the religions seem to have a real, tangible human centre, a personality that human beings can appreciate and believe in. Mrs. c.r.a.pps was so real and so near at hand that I could have faith in her; now that that is gone there isn"t anything left for me. I can"t believe in her, and she has destroyed the Possibility of my believing in anybody else."
Berenice put out her hand in the growing dusk, caressing the thin fingers of the sick woman.
"But--but," she hesitated, "she hasn"t destroyed your faith in--in everything, has she?"
"No, dear; she hasn"t touched my belief in G.o.d; but it makes me ashamed to see how different a thing it is to believe in what we see and touch, from having a genuine faith in what we do not see. I have a faith in my soul still; the other was only a faith of the body. Perhaps it had only to do with the body, and it is not so bad to have lost it."
"Oh, Cousin Anna," Berenice murmured, tears choking her voice, "I can"t bear to see you getting farther and farther off every day, and to feel so helpless."
"There, there, Bee," responded the other with tender cheerfulness, "you are not to agitate yourself or to excite me. I"ve lived half a year more now than the doctors allowed me, and I"ve enjoyed it too. Besides, think of the blessedness of not having any pain. Do you know, the night after Mrs. c.r.a.pps had that scene in the hotel, I was in a panic of terror lest my old agony should come back; but it didn"t. Then I said to myself: "Of course I couldn"t suffer; I"m really dead!" You can"t think what a comfort it was."
"Oh, don"t, don"t!" cried Bee. "I can"t bear to have you talk like that."
"Well, then, we won"t. There"s something else I want to speak to you about while I am strong enough. Do you realize that when I am gone you"ll be a rich woman?"
"I haven"t thought about it. I"ve hated to think."
"Yes, dear, I understand; but when you are older you"ll come to realize that half of the duty of life is to think of things which one would rather forget."
"But it could do no good to think of this."
"Perhaps not; but I want to ask you something. I know you"ll forgive me. It"s about Parker Stanford."
"You may ask me anything you like, of course, Cousin Anna. As for Parker Stanford, he"s nothing more than the rest of the men I know, only he"s been more polite. We are very good friends."
"No more?"
"No more; and we never shall be."
"But he surely wished to be?" The day had darkened until the room was lighted only by the flames of the soft coal fire which sputtered in the grate. The cousins could hardly see each other"s faces; but in the dim light Berenice turned frankly toward Mrs. Frostwinch.
"That is all over now," responded she. "Of course to anybody else I shouldn"t own that there ever was anything; but whatever there may have been is ended. He understands that perfectly."
For some minutes Berenice sat smoothing the invalid"s hand, the firelight glancing on her face and hair.
"How pretty you are, Bee," Mrs. Frostwinch said at length. Then without pause she added: "Is there anybody else?"
Bee sank backward into the shadow with a quick, instinctive movement, dropping the hand she held.
"Who should there be?" she returned.
Her cousin laughed softly.
"You are as transparent as gla.s.s," she said. "Come, who is it?"
Berenice hesitated an instant, then threw herself forward, bending over the hand of her companion until her face was hidden.
"There isn"t really anybody; and besides I"ve insulted him so that he never could help hating me. No, there isn"t anybody, Cousin Anna; and there never will be. I know I should despise him if he wasn"t angry; and besides," she added with the air of suddenly recollecting herself, "I hate him for what he said."
"That is evident," the other a.s.sented smilingly. "I could see at once that you hated him. But who is it?"
"Why, there isn"t anybody, I tell you. Of course I thought about him after he saved my life, but"--