At this place fishing, and long rambles, were the order of the day, both for her and for me, especially fishing, though a week rarely pa.s.sed which did not find me at Bouveret, St. Gingolph, Yvoire, Messery, Nyon, Ouchy, Vevay, Montreux, Geneva, or one of the two dozen villages, townlets, or towns, that crowd the sh.o.r.es, all very pretty places, each with its charm, and mostly I went on foot, though the railway runs right round the forty odd miles of the lake"s length. One noon-day I was walking through the main-street of Vevay going on to the Cully-road when I had a fearful shock, for in a shop just in front of me to the right I heard a sound--an unmistakable indication of life--as of clattering metals shaken together. My heart leapt into my mouth, I was conscious of becoming bloodlessly pale, and on tip-toe of exquisite caution I stole up to the open door--peeped in--and it was she standing on the counter of a jeweller"s shop, her back turned to me, with head bent low over a tray of jewels in her hands, which she was rummaging for something. I went _"Hoh!"_ for I could not help it, and all that day, till sunset, we were very dear friends, for I could not part from her, we walking together by vor-alpen, wood, and sh.o.r.e all the way to Ouchy, she just like a creature crazy that day with the bliss of living, rolling in gra.s.ses and perilous flowery declines, stamping her foot defiantly at me, arrogant queen that she is, and then running like mad for me to catch her, with laughter, _abandon_, carolling railleries, and the levity of the wild a.s.s"s colt on the hills, entangling her loose-flung hair with Bacchic tendril and blossom, and drinking, in the pa.s.sage through Cully, more wine, I thought, than was good: and the flaming darts of lightning that shot and shocked me that day, and the inner secret gleams and revelations of Beauty which I had, and the pangs of white-hot honey that tortured my soul and body, and were too much for me, and made me sick, oh Heaven, what tongue could express all that deep world of things? And at Ouchy with a backward wave of my arm I silently motioned her from me, for I was dumb, and weak, and I left her there: and all that long night her power was upon me, for she is stronger than gravitation, which may be evaded, and than all the forces of life combined, and the sun and the moon and the earth are nothing compared with her; and when she was gone from me I was like a fish in the air, or like a bird in the deep, for she is my element of life, made for me to breathe in, and I drown without her: so that for many hours I lay on that gra.s.sy hill leading to the burial-ground outside Ouchy that night, like a man sore wounded, biting the gra.s.s.
What made things worse for me was her adoption of European clothes since coming to this place: I believe that, in her adroit way, she herself made some of her dresses, for one day I saw in her apartments a number of coloured fashion-plates, with a confusion like dress-making; or she may have been only modifying finished things from the shops, for her Western dressing is not quite like what I remember of the modern female style, but is really, I should say, quite her own, rather resembling the Greek, or the eighteenth century. At any rate, the airs and graces are as natural to her as feathers to parrots; and she has changes like the moon; never twice the same, and always transcending her last phase and revelation: for I could not have conceived of anyone in whom _taste_ was a faculty so separate as in her, so positive and salient, like smelling or sight--more like _smelling_: for it is the faculty, half Reason, half Imagination, by which she fore-scents precisely what will suit exquisitely with what; so that every time I saw her, I received the impression of a perfectly novel, completely bewitching, work of Art: the special quality of works of Art being to produce the momentary conviction that anything else whatever could not possibly be so good.
Occasionally, from my window I would see her in the wood beyond the drawbridge, cool and white in green shade, with her Bible probably, training her skirt like a court-lady, and looking much taller than before. I believe that this new dressing produced a separation between us more complete than it might have been; and especially after that day between Vevay and Ouchy I was very careful not to meet her. The more I saw that she bejewelled herself, powdered herself, embalmed herself like sachets of sweet scents, chapleted her Greek-dressed head with gold fillets, the more I shunned her. Myself, somehow, had now resumed European dress, and, ah me, I was greatly changed, greatly changed, G.o.d knows, from the portly inflated monarch-creature that strutted and groaned four years previously in the palace at Imbros: so that my manner of life and thought might once more now have been called modern and Western.
All the more was my sense of responsibility awful: and from day to day it seemed to intensify. An arguing Voice never ceased to remonstrate within me, nor left me peace, and the curse of unborn hosts appeared to menace me. To strengthen my fixity I would often overwhelm myself, and her, with muttered opprobriums, calling myself "convict," her "lady-bird"; asking what manner of man was I that I should dare so great a thing; and as for her, what was she to be the Mother of a world?--a versatile b.u.t.terfly with a woman"s brow! And continually now in my fiercer moods I was meditating either my death--or hers.
Ah, but the b.u.t.terfly did not let me forget her brow! To the south-west of Villeneuve, between the forest and the river is a well-grown gentian field, and returning from round St. Gingolph to the Chateau one day in the third month after an absence of three days, I saw, as I turned a corner in the descent of the mountain, some object floating in the air above the field. Never was I more startled, and, above all, perplexed: for, beside the object soaring there like a great b.u.t.terfly, I could see nothing to account for it. It was not long, however, before I came to the conclusion that she has re-invented _the kite_--for she had almost certainly never seen one--and I presently sighted her holding the string in the midfield. Her invention resembles the kind called "swallow-tail"
of old.
But mostly it was on the lake that I saw her, for there we chiefly lived, and occasionally there were guilty approaches and _rencontres_, she in her boat, I in mine, both being slight clinker-built Montreux pleasure-boats, which I had spent some days in overhauling and varnishing, mine with jib, fore-and-aft mainsail, and spanker, hers rather smaller, one-masted, with an easy-running lug-sail. It was no uncommon thing for me to sail quite to Geneva, and come back from a seven-days" cruise with my soul filled and consoled with the lake and all its many moods of bright and darksome, serene and pensive, dolorous and despairing and tragic, at morning, at noon, at sunset, at midnight, a panorama that never for an instant ceased to unroll its transformations, I sometimes climbing the mountains as high as the goat-herd region of hoch-alpen, once sleeping there. And once I was made very ill by a two-weeks" horror which I had: for she disappeared in her skiff, I being at the Chateau, and she did not come back; and while she was away there was a tempest that turned the lake into an angry ocean, and, ah my good G.o.d, she did not come. At last, half-crazy at the vacant days of misery which went by and by, and she did not come, I set out upon a wild-goose quest, of her--of all the hopeless things the most hopeless, for the world is great--and I sought and did not find her; and after three days I turned back, recognising that I was mad to search the infinite, and coming near the Chateau, I saw her wave her handkerchief from the island-edge, for she divined that I had gone to seek her, and she was watching for me: and when I took her hand, what did she say to me, the Biblical simpleton?--"Oh you of little Faith!" says she. And she had adventures to lisp, with all the _r_"s liquefied into _l_"s, and I was with her all that day again.
Once a month perhaps she would knock at my outermost door, which I mostly kept locked when at home, bringing me a sumptuously-dressed, highly-spiced red trout or grayling, which I had not the heart to refuse, and exquisitely she does them, all hot and spiced, applying apparently to their preparation the taste which she applies to dress; and her extraordinary luck in angling did not fail to supply her with the finest specimens, though, for that matter, this lake, with its old fish-hatcheries and fish-ladders, is not miserly in that way, swarming now with the best lake trout, river trout, red trout, and with salmon, of which last I have brought in one with the landing-net of, I should say, thirty-five to forty pounds. As the bottom goes off very rapidly from the two islands to a depth of eight to nine hundred feet, we did not long confine ourselves to bottom-fishing, but gradually advanced to every variety of manoeuvre, doing middle-water spinning with three-triangle flights and sliding lip-hook for jack and trout, trailing with the sail for salmon, live-baiting with the float for pike, daping with blue-bottles, casting with artificial flies, and I could not say in which she became the most carelessly adept, for all soon seemed as old and natural to her as an occupation learned from birth.
On the 21st October I attained my forty-sixth birthday in excellent health: a day destined to end for me in bloodshed and tragedy, alas. I forget now what circ.u.mstance had caused me to mention the date long beforehand in, I think, Venice, not dreaming that she would keep any count of it, nor was I even sure that my calendar was not faulty by a day. But at ten in the morning of what I called the 21st, descending by my private spiral in flannels with some trout and par bait, and tackle--I met her coming up, my G.o.d, though she had no earthly right to be there. With her cooing murmur of a laugh, yet pale, pale, and with a most guilty look, she presented me a large bouquet of wild flowers.
I was at once thrown into a state of great agitation. She was dressed in rather a frippery of _mousseline de soie_, all cream-laced, with wide-hanging short sleeves, a large diamond at the low open neck, the ivory-brown skin there contrasting with the powdered bluish-white of her face, where, however, the freckles were not quite whited out; on her feet little pink satin slippers, without any stockings--a divinely pale pink; and well back on her hair a plain thin circlet of gold; and she smelled like heaven, G.o.d knows.
I could not speak. She broke an awkward silence, saying, very faint and pallid:
"It is the day!"
"I--perhaps--" I said, or some incoherency like that.
I saw the touch of enthusiasm which she had summoned up quenched by my manner.
"I have not done long again?" she asked, looking down, breaking another silence.
"No, no, oh no," said I hurriedly: "not done wrong again. Only, I could not suppose that you would count up the days. You are ... considerate.
Perhaps--but--"
"Tell Leda?"
"Perhaps.... I was going to say ... you might come fishing with me...."
"O luck!" she went softly.
I was pierced by a sense of my base cowardice, my incredible weakness: but I could not at all help it.
I took the flowers, and we went down to the south side, where my boat lay; I threw out some of the fish from the well; arranged the tackle, and then the stern cushions for her; got up the sails; and out we went, she steering, I in the bows, with every possible inch of s.p.a.ce between us, receiving delicious intermittent whiffs from her of ambergris, frangipane, or some blending of perfumes, the morning being bright and hot, with very little breeze on the water, which looked mottled, like colourless water imperfectly mixed with indigo-wash, we making little headway; so it was some time before I moved nearer her to get the par for fixing on the three-triangle flight, for I was going to trail for salmon or large lake-trout; and during all that time we spoke not a word together.
Afterwards I said:
"Who told you that flowers are proper to birthdays? or that birthdays are of any importance?"
"I suppose that nothing can happen so important as birth," says she: "and perfumes must be ploper to birth, because the wise men blought spices to the young Jesus."
This _navete_ was the cause of my immediate recovery: for to laugh is to be saved: and I laughed right out, saying:
"But you read the Bible too much! all your notions are biblical. You should read the quite modern books."
"I have tlied," says she: "but I cannot lead them long, nor often. The whole world seems to have got so collupted. It makes me shudder."
"Ah, well now, you see, you quite come round to my point of view," said I.
"Yes, and no," says she: "they had got so _spoiled_, that is all.
Everlybody seems to have become quite dull-witted--the plainest tluths they could not see. I can imagine that those faculties which aided them in their stlain to become lich themselves, and make the lest more poor, must have been gleatly sharpened, while all the other faculties withered: as I can imagine a person with one eye seeing double thlough it, and quite blind on the other side."
"Ah," said I, "I do not think they even _wanted_ to see on the other side. There were some few tolerably good and clear-sighted ones among them, you know: and these all agreed in pointing out how, by changing one or two of their old man-in-the-moon Bedlam arrangements, they could greatly better themselves: but they heard with listless ears: I don"t know that they ever made any considerable effort. For they had become more or less unconscious of their misery, so miserable were they: like the man in Byron"s "Prisoner of Chillon," who, when his deliverers came, was quiet indifferent, for he says:
"It was at length the same to me Fettered or fetterless to be: I had learned to love Despair.""
"Oh my G.o.d," she went, covering her face a moment, "how dleadful! And it is tlue, it seems tlue:--they had learned to love Despair, to be even ploud of Despair. Yet all the time, I feel _sure_ flom what I have lead, flom what I scent, that the individual man was stluggling to see, to live light, but without power, like one"s leg when it is asleep: that is so pletty of them all! that they meant well--everly one. But they were too tloubled and sad, too awfully burdened: they had no chance at all.
Such a queer, unnatulal feeling it gives me to lead of all that world: I can"t desclibe it; all their motives seem so tainted, their life so lopsided. Tluely, the whole head was sick, and the whole heart faint."
"Quite so," said I: "and observe that this was no new thing: in the very beginning of the Book we read how G.o.d saw that the wickedness of man was great on the earth, and every imagination of his heart evil...."
"Yes," she interrupted, "that is tlue: but there must have been some _cause!_ We can be quite _sure_ that it was not natulal, because you and I are men, and our hearts are not evil."
This was her great argument which she always trotted out, because she found that I had usually no answer to give to it. But this time I said:
"Our hearts not evil? Say yours: but as to mine you know nothing, Leda."
The semicircles under her eyes had that morning, as often, a certain moist, heavy, pensive and weary something, as of one fresh from a revel, very sweet and tender: and, looking softly at me with it, she answered:
"I know my own heart, and it is not evil: not at all: not even in the very least: and I know yours, too."
"You know _mine!_" cried I, with a half-laugh of surprise.
"Quite well," says she.
I was so troubled by this cool a.s.surance, that I said not a word, but going to her, handed her the baited flight, swivel-trace, and line, which she paid out; then I got back again almost into the bows.
After a ten-minutes I spoke again:
"So this is news to me: you know all about my heart. Well, come, tell me what is in it!"
Now she was silent, pretending to be busy with the trail, till she said, speaking with low-bent face, and a voice that I could only just hear:
"I will tell you what is in it: in it is a lebellion which you think good, but is not good. If a stleam will just flow, neither tlying to climb upward, nor over-flowing its banks, but lunning modestly in its fated channel just wherever it is led, then it will finally leach the sea--the mighty ocean--and lose itself in fulness."
"Ah," said I, "but that counsel is not new. It is what the philosophers used to call "yielding to Destiny," and "following Nature." And Destiny and Nature, I give you my word, often led mankind quite wrong--"