March 19th. I don"t remember my mind running once on the end of the cravat yesterday, and I am certain I never looked at it; yet I had the strangest dream concerning it at night. I thought it was lengthened into a long clew, like the silken thread that led to Rosamond"s Bower.
I thought I took hold of it, and followed it a little way, and then got frightened and tried to go back, but found that I was obliged, in spite of myself, to go on. It led me through a place like the Valley of the Shadow of Death, in an old print I remember in my mother"s copy of the Pilgrim"s Progress. I seemed to be months and months following it without any respite, till at last it brought me, on a sudden, face to face with an angel whose eyes were like Mary"s. He said to me, "Go on, still; the truth is at the end, waiting for you to find it." I burst out crying, for the angel had Mary"s voice as well as Mary"s eyes, and woke with my heart throbbing and my cheeks all wet. What is the meaning of this? Is it always superst.i.tious, I wonder, to believe that dreams may come true?
April 30th. I have found it! G.o.d knows to what results it may lead; but it is as certain as that I am sitting here before my journal that I have found the cravat from which the end in Mary"s hand was torn. I discovered it last night; but the flutter I was in, and the nervousness and uncertainty I felt, prevented me from noting down this most extraordinary and unexpected event at the time when it happened. Let me try if I can preserve the memory of it in writing now.
I was going home rather late from where I work, when I suddenly remembered that I had forgotten to buy myself any candles the evening before, and that I should be left in the dark if I did not manage to rectify this mistake in some way. The shop close to me, at which I usually deal, would be shut up, I knew, before I could get to it; so I determined to go into the first place I pa.s.sed where candles were sold.
This turned out to be a small shop with two counters, which did business on one side in the general grocery way, and on the other in the rag and bottle and old iron line.
There were several customers on the grocery side when I went in, so I waited on the empty rag side till I could be served. Glancing about me here at the worthless-looking things by which I was surrounded, my eye was caught by a bundle of rags lying on the counter, as if they had just been brought in and left there. From mere idle curiosity, I looked close at the rags, and saw among them something like an old cravat. I took it up directly and held it under a gaslight. The pattern was blurred lilac lines running across and across the dingy black ground in a trellis-work form. I looked at the ends: one of them was torn off.
How I managed to hide the breathless surprise into which this discovery threw me I cannot say, but I certainly contrived to steady my voice somehow, and to ask for my candles calmly when the man and woman serving in the shop, having disposed of their other customers, inquired of me what I wanted.
As the man took down the candles, my brain was all in a whirl with trying to think how I could get possession of the old cravat without exciting any suspicion. Chance, and a little quickness on my part in taking advantage of it, put the object within my reach in a moment. The man, having counted out the candles, asked the woman for some paper to wrap them in. She produced a piece much too small and flimsy for the purpose, and declared, when he called for something better, that the day"s supply of stout paper was all exhausted. He flew into a rage with her for managing so badly. Just as they were beginning to quarrel violently, I stepped back to the rag-counter, took the old cravat carelessly out of the bundle, and said, in as light a tone as I could possibly a.s.sume:
"Come, come, don"t let my candles be the cause of hard words between you. Tie this ragged old thing round them with a bit of string, and I shall carry them home quite comfortably."
The man seemed disposed to insist on the stout paper being produced; but the woman, as if she was glad of an opportunity of spiting him, s.n.a.t.c.hed the candles away, and tied them up in a moment in the torn old cravat. I was afraid he would have struck her before my face, he seemed in such a fury; but, fortunately, another customer came in, and obliged him to put his hands to peaceable and proper use.
"Quite a bundle of all-sorts on the opposite counter there," I said to the woman, as I paid her for the candles.
"Yes, and all h.o.a.rded up for sale by a poor creature with a lazy brute of a husband, who lets his wife do all the work while he spends all the money," answered the woman, with a malicious look at the man by her side.
"He can"t surely have much money to spend, if his wife has no better work to do than picking up rags," said I.
"It isn"t her fault if she hasn"t got no better," says the woman, rather angrily. "She"s ready to turn her hand to anything. Charing, washing, laying-out, keeping empty houses--nothing comes amiss to her. She"s my half-sister, and I think I ought to know."
"Did you say she went out charing?" I asked, making believe as if I knew of somebody who might employ her.
"Yes, of course I did," answered the woman; "and if you can put a job into her hands, you"ll be doing a good turn to a poor hard-working creature as wants it. She lives down the Mews here to the right--name of Horlick, and as honest a woman as ever stood in shoe-leather. Now, then, ma"am, what for you?"
Another customer came in just then, and occupied her attention. I left the shop, pa.s.sed the turning that led down to the Mews, looked up at the name of the street, so as to know how to find it again, and then ran home as fast as I could. Perhaps it was the remembrance of my strange dream striking me on a sudden, or perhaps it was the shock of the discovery I had just made, but I began to feel frightened without knowing why, and anxious to be under shelter in my own room.
It Robert should come back! Oh, what a relief and help it would be now if Robert should come back!
May 1st. On getting indoors last night, the first thing I did, after striking a light, was to take the ragged cravat off the candles, and smooth it out on the table. I then took the end that had been in poor Mary"s hand out of my writing-desk, and smoothed that out too. It matched the torn side of the cravat exactly. I put them together, and satisfied myself that there was not a doubt of it.
Not once did I close my eyes that night. A kind of fever got possession of me--a vehement yearning to go on from this first discovery and find out more, no matter what the risk might be. The cravat now really became, to my mind, the clew that I thought I saw in my dream--the clew that I was resolved to follow. I determined to go to Mrs. Horlick this evening on my return from work.
I found the Mews easily. A crook-backed dwarf of a man was lounging at the corner of it smoking his pipe. Not liking his looks, I did not inquire of him where Mrs. Horlick lived, but went down the Mews till I met with a woman, and asked her. She directed me to the right number.
I knocked at the door, and Mrs. Horlick herself--a lean, ill-tempered, miserable-looking woman--answered it. I told her at once that I had come to ask what her terms were for charing. She stared at me for a moment, then answered my question civilly enough.
"You look surprised at a stranger like me finding you out," I said.
"I first came to hear of you last night, from a relation of yours, in rather an odd way."
And I told her all that had happened in the chandler"s shop, bringing in the bundle of rags, and the circ.u.mstance of my carrying home the candles in the old torn cravat, as often as possible.
"It"s the first time I"ve heard of anything belonging to him turning out any use," said Mrs. Horlick, bitterly.
"What! the spoiled old neck-handkerchief belonged to your husband, did it?" said I, at a venture.
"Yes; I pitched his rotten rag of a neck-"andkercher into the bundle along with the rest, and I wish I could have pitched him in after it,"
said Mrs. Horlick. "I"d sell him cheap at any ragshop. There he stands, smoking his pipe at the end of the Mews, out of work for weeks past, the idlest humpbacked pig in all London!"
She pointed to the man whom I had pa.s.sed on entering the Mews. My cheeks began to burn and my knees to tremble, for I knew that in tracing the cravat to its owner I was advancing a step toward a fresh discovery. I wished Mrs. Horlick good evening, and said I would write and mention the day on which I wanted her.
What I had just been told put a thought into my mind that I was afraid to follow out. I have heard people talk of being light-headed, and I felt as I have heard them say they felt when I retraced my steps up the Mews. My head got giddy, and my eyes seemed able to see nothing but the figure of the little crook-backed man, still smoking his pipe in his former place. I could see nothing but that; I could think of nothing but the mark of the blow on my poor lost Mary"s temple. I know that I must have been light-headed, for as I came close to the crook-backed man I stopped without meaning it. The minute before, there had been no idea in me of speaking to him. I did not know how to speak, or in what way it would be safest to begin; and yet, the moment I came face to face with him, something out of myself seemed to stop me, and to make me speak without considering beforehand, without thinking of consequences, without knowing, I may almost say, what words I was uttering till the instant when they rose to my lips.
"When your old neck-tie was torn, did you know that one end of it went to the rag-shop, and the other fell into my hands?"
I said these bold words to him suddenly, and, as it seemed, without my own will taking any part in them.
He started, stared, changed color. He was too much amazed by my sudden speaking to find an answer for me. When he did open his lips, it was to say rather to himself than me:
"You"re not the girl."
"No," I said, with a strange choking at my heart, "I"m her friend."
By this time he had recovered his surprise, and he seemed to be aware that he had let out more than he ought.
"You may be anybody"s friend you like," he said, brutally, "so long as you don"t come jabbering nonsense here. I don"t know you, and I don"t understand your jokes."
He turned quickly away from me when he had said the last words. He had never once looked fairly at me since I first spoke to him.
Was it his hand that had struck the blow? I had only sixpence in my pocket, but I took it out and followed him. If it had been a five-pound note I should have done the same in the state I was in then.
"Would a pot of beer help you to understand me?" I said, and offered him the sixpence.
"A pot ain"t no great things," he answered, taking the sixpence doubtfully.
"It may lead to something better," I said. His eyes began to twinkle, and he came close to me. Oh, how my legs trembled--how my head swam!
"This is all in a friendly way, is it?" he asked, in a whisper.
I nodded my head. At that moment I could not have spoken for worlds.
"Friendly, of course," he went on to himself, "or there would have been a policeman in it. She told you, I suppose, that I wasn"t the man?"
I nodded my head again. It was all I could do to keep myself standing upright.
"I suppose it"s a case of threatening to have him up, and make him settle it quietly for a pound or two? How much for me if you lay hold of him?"
"Half."
I began to be afraid that he would suspect something if I was still silent. The wretch"s eyes twinkled again and he came yet closer.
"I drove him to the Red Lion, corner of Dodd Street and Rudgely Street.