Chapter 5 – Discourse on Decadence "I heard from someone in my cla.s.s… Someone who was in the same middle school as Tokki," said Sudou, as if she was the witness of a crime while looking at "14 Years Old". "She told me that Tokki"s sister pen name was Hiiragi Tokoro. So I wondered what kind of books she wrote, and found out "14 Years Old" released recently… Then I remembered. That I often saw you read this book, Hosono…"
"Well, yeah…"
"Anyway, I had a strange hunch, so I decided to buy it and read it. It was pretty difficult, but sometimes I would feel the same way as the protagonist, so it was interesting. So… I want to ask," Sudou"s eyes changed from those of a witness, to those of a detective, "Tokiko is… Tokki, right?"
I reflexively looked away from Sudou.
"… You noticed too, right, Hosono? There"s no way you didn"t. And… I"m still a little confused, but the reason you got closer to Tokki, it"s because of "14 Years Old"…?"
… Well, of course she would notice.
Even if she isn"t much of a reader, of course Sudou would notice that Tokiko is Hiiragi. In that case, it was natural to think that "14 Years Old" had some influence on my relationship with Hiiragi.
… It"s getting bad.
Hiiragi wants to hide the fact she"s Tokiko.
That"s why I never talked about it to anyone, and in fact, Tokiko = Hiiragi Tokiko was a secret that n.o.body in school other than me and Hiiragi knew.
And yet, someone finally noticed.
"Well, I know I should be asking Tokki directly, but… But I fear I would hurt her by asking something I shouldn"t. She"s a sensitive girl after all, and perhaps there are some circ.u.mstances about that book… That"s why I thought I should ask you first…"
It"s most likely the right decision.
I remember that day when I realised Hiiragi was Tokiko. When I asked her, she was excessively fl.u.s.tered. I"m sure that for her, being the model of Tokiko is quite a delicate subject. In my case, perhaps because I was a fan of "14 Years Old", she didn"t really mind it much after that, but in the case of someone who usually doesn"t read books like Sudou, it"s possible that their relationship will change.
Hiiragi and Sudou finally became friends. Now wasn"t the time to cause some problem.
Still… What should I do?
How can I get over this problem?
I thought about lying, but it would be difficult to give a coherent explanation on the spot. In the first place, even if I said a good lie, it was possible that Sudou would notice something when talking to Hiiragi.
I could also refuse to answer, but it might leave a bad aftertaste to Sudou.
… In that case, I should ask her to keep it secret and reveal the truth.
I should say everything that happened until now and ask her to not talk about it to Hiiragi. It should be the best way to avoid problems for the time being. It"s a little awkward to talk without her permission… But I"m sure she will understand if I explain the situation to her.
"… Well, a lot happened."
When I said that, Sudou knitted her well shaped eyebrows.
"What kind of things…?"
"Well, it"s going to take some time… It all started when I found that book in a library in middle school, then I really came to like it…"
I explained everything to Sudou. That I"ve been adoring "14 Years Old" since middle school. That the heroine, Tokiko suddenly appeared in front of me when entering high school. That she asked for my help. And finally, that I fell in love with her.
"So in short…" I concluded, as Sudou was listening to me seriously. "Just like you said, Hiiragi is Tokiko. So in a way, right now we"re seeing the after of Tokiko"s epilogue."
"… I see, so that"s the truth."
As she said that, Sudou hung her head, thinking about something.
"Tokki is Tokiko"s model, huh… Of course they would look alike…"
I was a little surprised by her reaction.
I thought that she would me more like "Awesome!" or "I want her sign!". I wonder why? Why is Sudou making such a serious expression?
"… Err, then Hosono, you like Tokiko, and because of that you took interest in Tokki and got closer to her, something like that?"
"Well, yeah, I guess. Because I like Tokiko, I got interested in Hiiragi."
"And thanks to that book, you know how she thinks and what she likes, so you can easily help her…"
"That"s it."
"I see…" Sudou hung her head once more. "I see, I see…"
Then after breathing deeply, and spitting it out,
"But, err… Isn"t that, like, kinda dangerous…"
"… Dangerous?"
"… Ah, no, that"s not what I meant! It might just be my imagination but…" Sudou raised her face and waved her hand before it. "Err, just in case, I want to ask… The one you like, Hosono, it"s Tokki, not Tokiko in "14 Years Old", right?"
"… Huh?"
"It"s just getting pretty confusing… so I wanted to ask to be sure."
"… No no, there"s nothing to be confused about, they"re the same person. "14 Years Old" is about Hiiragi. You read the book, no? Then you should understand, that what"s written inside is totally Hiiragi."
"Well, you"re right, but…" Sudou looked above a little, searching her words. "True, I think that Tokki"s feelings are really well expressed. The author, Hiiragi Tokoro, is really incredible."
"Right?"
"In fact she must have asked many questions to Tokki, then she copied her just like that in the book. Still," Sudou looked at me, concerned, "Tokiko will always be 14 Years Old, but Tokki won"t. She"s growing and changing."
She"s growing and changing.
When I heard these words, I was startled for some reason.
The feeling swirling in my chest, the one I couldn"t understand, was making surface.
"In fact, this book was released last year, and was likely written the year before. So it"s already been two years. Besides, many things happened since Tokki entered high school. She won"t stay the same as Tokiko forever."
The throbbing in my chest accelerated.
It felt like I was forced to take notice of something I"ve been ignoring unconsciously.
"So yeah, you got closer because of "14 Years Old". I don"t think that it"s bad in itself. But… Hiiragi Tokiko is a real person, not the heroine of a story… So I think you should like her as a person, Hosono."
Talking until here, Sudou made a smile trying to smooth things over.
"Ah, of course you can ignore what I said if you think I"m too meddlesome! Perhaps I"m thinking too much, and if you two are happy with such relationship, then it"s fine, err…"
However, I couldn"t find any word to answer to Sudou.
Could it be.
Could it be that the uncomfortable feeling I had was because of that?
I didn"t want to admit it. But if I do, it explains everything. It"s the only explanation.
Hiiragi changed.
If she was the same as when she was Tokiko"s model, she wouldn"t have been able to get along with Sudou and Shuuji. There"s no way she would go to karaoke, or invite everyone to her house.
Not only that.
She shouldn"t be someone who would go out with a boy who isn"t her boyfriend during her holiday, as well as walk hand in hand and ask to go out again together.
And thinking about it, the times when I felt uncomfortable was when Hiiragi didn"t act like Tokiko.
The feeling that was lurking in my chest was starting to take form.
Confusion was gradually taking hold of me.
Hiiragi was stopping being Tokiko.
The person depicted in "14 Years Old" was disappearing.
That time when Hiiragi asked for my help, I thought that if it was me I could do it. Even though I was avoiding people and trying to live my life alone peacefully, I thought I wanted to help her.
That was because she was Tokiko.
It was because she was Tokiko, the one I admired and empathised with for a year, that I decided to be by her side.
Then, if she stops being Tokiko, can I still stay by her side?
And can I say with certainty that I like her?
"… Hosono?" Sudou looked at my face. "Y-you okay…? You look pale…"
"… Y-yeah, don"t worry, I"m fine," I shook my head once, and smiled at Sudou. "I was just thinking a little. Anyway, it should be fine. I think I truly like her, and shouldn"t stop to just because she changed."
"T-then I guess it"s fine…"
Sudou was showing a clearly worried expression. It seems she didn"t expect me to react like that.
"Sorry for coming in the middle of the night… I just couldn"t put it out my mind."
"Don"t worry, everything is okay…"
"If you say so…"
After seeing Sudou off, I went back to my bedroom.
I still had a hard time putting the things she said in order in my head.
Hiiragi is changing.
One she won"t be Tokiko anyome.
Was the uncomfortable feeling I felt really coming from that?
And if that"s the case, what will happen to my relationship with Hiiragi?
Thinking so far, I remembered.
I took out my phone and looked up my schedule.
Hiiragi said she wanted to talk with me after school tomorrow.
I don"t know what she want to talk about. Perhaps she just wants to chat, or perhaps she wants to reveal something to me.
Either way, I"m sure I"ll be able to clear things up.
What is this uncomfortable feeling, as well as what our relationship will become, I"ll understand everything then.
It was more than a simple hunch, I was convinced of that.
I picked up my school bad, then took out "14 Years Old" from it.
Even though it was the book that always made me feel stronger when taking it, right now it looked just like terribly unreliable toy weapon for some reason.
＊
"I"m really sorry, calling everyday…"
The next day, after returning home once we reunited at the park. Hiiragi was waiting on a bench a an apologetic smile.
"But it shouldn"t take long today, so… Please listen to me a little."
"… Sure, I don"t mind."
I felt relieved while looking at her expression.
I had some apprehension because of what Sudou told me. I feared that I would see Hiiragi as a totally different person from before when coming to school.
But thankfully, Hiiragi was still the Hiiragi I knew. She was still a mild-mannered literature girl just like Tokiko, so I guess we worried too much.
The clock in the park pointed a little after 5pm.
At that time, there were mainly primary school kids in the park. Some were playing football, some were playing tag, and some were playing on their own in a corner. Their cheers faded in the evening sky. Perhaps someone was making curry in a house nearby, as we could smell it from the bench we were sitting on.
"… So, about what I want to talk about," started Hiiragi. "I want to express my grat.i.tude…"
"Your grat.i.tude?" I said reflexively hearing these unexpected words.
"Yes. You remember how I said I would do anything I can as thanks for your help? Still, until now I didn"t do anything, so I thought it was time to do something…"
"… Ah, yeah, you said that."
Thinking about it, she did say that.
Back then I was just happy to be relied on by Tokiko and to be able to keep being with her that I just forgot about it.
"Thanks to you, Hosono-kun, I became friend with Sudou-san and Shuuji-kun… Also, I think I"ll be fine from now on too. That"s why, I want to properly thank you…"
"Don"t bother. I didn"t help with that in mind, and, well, it was fun for me too."
"But that won"t do, I won"t be satisfied with that. You always did your best to help me, so not doing anything in return pain me. So please, let me make something for you."
"… I see."
She said that much, so I guess I should accept.
Even in "14 Years Old" Tokiko had a strong sense of duty, I don"t want to deny how she feels.
"Then, I"ll take you on your words…"
However, looking at her carefree expression, I suddenly thought about something.
Perhaps that will put an end to our current relationship.
Hiiragi made friends. Thanks to that, little by little she"ll broaden her relationships.
If so, then maybe she doesn"t need my help anymore.
"… Is there a problem?"
Hiiragi looked at me uneasily.
"You look somehow… sad."
"… Aaah, no, don"t worry, it"s nothing!" I exclaimed while shaking my head hurriedly, then I smiled.
It"s true that I felt a little lonely about ending the comfortable relationship we had for the last two months.
But… Hiiragi finally got what she wanted. It"s because I wanted to see her smile that I helped her.
In that case, I want to congratulate with her.
"By the way, what can you do as thanks?"
"If it"s something I can do, then whatever. Even if it"s something a little difficult, I"ll do my best. But if I had do give some examples, then, hmm…"
Hiiragi looked at the sky who started to turn red.
"… I can treat you to something delicious, or give you something appearing in "14 Years Old". Like the mushroom alarm clock I use every morning…"
"I"ll feel guilty if take your daily necessities," I said, reflexively laughing.
The mushroom alarm clock did appear a few times in "14 Years Old", so I"m a little interested, but yeah, I can"t take it from Hiiragi, that"s would be too pitiful.
"Then, my sister"s autograph? I think that if I ask she"ll sign as many time as you want. Alos, hmm… If you"re interested, I can ask for you to have a meal with the editor, Nonomursan…"
These two things were certainly really interesting. They were things only Hiiragi could do that would make me happy. Having a meal with Nonomursan would make me really nervous, but I would get to hear some inside stories about "14 Years Old".
"Other than that, umm… I could lend you any book you like in my sister"s room. If there is you want, I could give it to you as a present, like──" Hiiragi paused an instant and turned back her gaze towards me. "A girlfriend, for example, is fine too…"
"…. Huh?" I raised my voice stupidly, confused. "A… girlfriend?"
"Yes… Hmm, didn"t you say so yesterday? That it would be nice if you got a girlfriend…"
For some reason Hiiragi looked away and started to explain fl.u.s.tered.
"So, if there is something I can do, I"ll help you to get a girlfriend…"
I could hear the slight sound of a door opening in my heart.
The heavy door in the depth of my heart, the one I tried my best to keep shut, so that what"s inside would not get out.
And because of Hiiragi"s words, the uncomfortable feeling I had recently started to leak out from here gradually.
I"ll help you to get a girlfriend.
These words showed the intention to be more proactive in her relationship with others.
"… Help me? How?"
As I asked that, Hiiragi became even more fl.u.s.tered.
"E-err, umm… I didn"t really think that far… But for example, I could hear what kind of girl you like and… introduce you to one?"
Each time Hiiragi spoke, the door gradually opened.
The uncomfortable feeling started to erode my chest.
Hear the kind of girl I like.
Introduce a girl to me.
I felt the voices of the kids in the park fading far away.
Then I finally noticed.
That Hiiragi wasn"t wearing her uniform, but a dress I never saw before.
She took the time to change? Just to meet a cla.s.smate?
Why didn"t I notice sooner?
"… U-umm, if you already have a girl you"re interested in, I"ll support you to get closer to her! Compared to the me from before, the me right now should be able to do something…"
The little hope I had to maintain our current relationship was getting painted out by that uncomfortable feeling.
My relationship with Hiiragi was changing into something that couldn"t be undone.
Then Hiiragi, Hiiragi Tokiko who was in front of me, said those fatal words.
"And, if you"re not against it…" started Hiiragi, looking downward.
Then, at the same time the chime signaling that it was 5:30pm rung, she looked at me and said:
"… I could become your girlfriend."
Her face was flushed as if she had caught a cold.
Her eyes were so moist that tears were on the verge of falling.
Her reserved, jet black irises were looking at me.
Her lips were tightly closed, and she was pressing her palm strongly against her chest.
Her slender shoulders wrapped inside her dress were trembling a little.
And as for me who looked at her,
The door inside my heart opened completely.
A black mist gushed out of it like surging waves.
My uneasiness and the uncomfortable feeling I had became clear, and a question formed itself in my mind.
Who is this?
Who is the girl in front of me?
She said she would become my girlfriend if I wasn"t against it.
The Tokiko I know would never consider the relationship between lovers as something to give.
That"s why, it clearly made me realise.
What Sudou said was right.
Hiiragi is changing. She won"t stay the same as in "14 Years Old" forever.
The one before me was Tokiko before.
But now, she stopped being her.
Wanting to get friends after entering high school, going to karaoke with cla.s.smates she just met, inviting them to her home to study, holding hands with a male friend.
And finally, proposing to that male friend to become his girlfriend as thanks was the 15 years old girl before me.
Anxiety and fear that felt almost nostalgic took possession of my body.
I don"t understand the feelings of this girl.
I don"t understand what she was thinking and feeling.
What should I answer? What should I do?
Will I hurt this girl with my words like I did back then?
The fact that Tokiko disappeared in front of me, and that I was part of the reason she did, made looking at the girl who changed in front of me unbearably painful.
And more than that was myself.
I saw the girl in front of me as the heroine I liked, willfully held expectations, and the moment I realised it was impossible I lost my calm.
Such a me was nauseating and I couldn"t forgive myself.
"… I-is there a problem?"
I could see Hiiragi looking at me from the corner of my view.
"You"re looking pale and sweating a lot…"
"… Sorry," I somehow managed to speak. "I can"t be by your side anymore, Hiiragi."
"Huh?"
Hiiragi opened her eyes wide, surprised by my words.
Without making a single movement, she continued to look at me with an unreadable expression.
Then finally, she opened her mouth slightly and asked in a faint voice:
"Why?"
"… Sorry, everything is my fault."
I revealed everything to Hiiragi.
My selfish expectations, the disappointment that came from it, as well as my anxiety.
"… I just can"t understand your feelings anymore…"
Not even blinking once, Hiiragi was just looking at me, dumbfounded.
"Before it was fine. Thanks to "14 Years Old" I could understand them… It"s unfair, but I managed thanks to that… But now, the Hiiragi right now is different from before… You became more cheerful and smile more.."
Hiiragi didn"t make a single movement.
"And that"s great. Yeah, really great. Still… Sorry… I just can"t understand the new Hiiragi… Because I can"t understand you, I"m scared of hurting you… And I hate myself for thinking like that…"
Finally, I said to the unmoving Hiiragi:
"Let"s put an end to everything."
Looking around, the primary school kids weren"t in the park anymore. They most likely went back home to eat dinner.
Left were only me, trying to end everything because of selfish reason, and Hiiragi Tokiko, the victim. Right now, I was horribly hurting the girl in front of me, even though she was supposed to be so important to me.
Humid wind blew through the park, making Hiiragi"s hair sway.
She slowly looked down, hanging her head.
Her bangs hid her face, making me unable to read her expression.
Then,
"No," she started feebly, "I don"t want that."
Her mouth was only slightly open, so her voice was very faint.
Or perhaps it was only an auditory hallucination made by my desire, and she didn"t say anything.
After a silence that felt like hours,
"… I see," she said, then looked at me
She was smiling awkwardly.
"I see, I made you feel like that… I"m sorry, taking advantage of your kindness, I said something really selfish…"
Her tone was the same as always, as if we were just talking normally.
But the current me couldn"t tell if it was bravado or how she truly felt.
"You know, you said that you were unfair, but… It"s the same for me. I"m bad with people too, so I thought that if it was you, Hosono-kun, we could be friends… I thought you would understand my feelings, so I relied on you."
Hiiragi let out a little laugh.
"That"s why, maybe we"re the same…"
The wind blew once again between us.
The current me could neither reply, nor look at her in the eyes.
Hiiragi got up from the bench.
She swept the skirt part of her dress with he palms, then turned towards me who was still sitting down.
"… Thank you for everything," Hiiragi said while bowing. "I was really glad when you helped me and when we went out together."
Saying her piece, Hiiragi turned around, and,
"Goodbye."
She quietly muttered, then quickly went out of the park.
She turned at the street corner, and her figure disappeared.
That"s it.
Everything ended.
I felt a sense of loss, as if a part of me disappeared.
With this, I went back to the epilogue.
Back to not getting closer to anyone in high school, just like middle school.
Back to the boring high schooler who wants to keep the conversations and the committee work to the minimum, not join any clubs, and keep his human relations as small as possible.
My body grew weak.
There wasn"t any ounce of energy left in me to stand up.
Looking up, in the blend of indigo and orange that made the sky, a white airplane was flying north.
──There isn"t any guarantee. No happiness, no misfortune, no justice, no injustice, no mixed breed dog, no bed hair, no tedious talk, no conceit. Still, we continue to think "One day, yes, one day" as we live. In this cruel world.
(14 Years Old/Hiiragi Tokoro – Machida Edition)