You"re the freshest of the bunch to-day, sure. You"ll be ready for another night to-night, and you"ve only to say where, you know."
"Granite did my hair," said his aunt; "you must praise her, not me."
"And you"ve got your goggles all ready, too," he continued. "Who sent "em?"
"Oh, I shan"t wiggle," said Aunt Mary "although I can"t see how it could hurt if I did."
"Come on and let"s dress her up," said Jack to the maid, "Glory! what fun!"
Thereupon they went to work and rigged the old lady out. She was certainly a sight, for she stood by her own bonnet, and that failed to jibe with the goggles.
Burnett was summoned in to view the proceedings, but just as he caught the first glimpse he was taken with a fearful cramp in his broken ribs and was forced to beat the hastiest sort of a retreat.
"I hope he"ll get over it and be able to go out with us," said Aunt Mary anxiously.
"I guess he"ll recover," Jack yelled cheerfully. "Oh, there"s Clover!"
A sort of dull, ponderous panting sounded in the street without, and let all the neighbors know that "The Threshing Machine" (as Clover had christened his elephantine toy) was waiting for someone.
Its owner came in for a stirrup cup; Mitch.e.l.l was with him. Both were togged out as if entered for the annual Paris-Bordeaux.
Burnett brought out the cut-gla.s.s jugs.
"Ye G.o.ds and little fishes! Sapristi! Sacre bleu!" he said to his friends.
"Just you wait till you see our Aunt Mary!"
"Has she got "em all on?" Clover asked.
"Has she got "em all on!" said Burnett. "She has got "em all on; and how Jack held his own in the room with her I cannot understand. I took one look, and if mine had been a surgical case of st.i.tches the last thread would have bust that instant. I don"t believe I dare go out with you. This is a life and death game to Jack, and I won"t risk smashing his future by not being able to keep sober in the face of Aunt Mary."
"Oh, come on," Clover urged in his wiry voice. "You needn"t look at her; or, if you do look at her, you can look the other way right afterwards, you know."
"I"ll sit next to her," Mitch.e.l.l explained. "As a sitter by Aunt Mary"s side I shone last night; and where a man has sat once, the same man can surely sit again."
Burnett hesitated, and just then voices were heard in the hall. Jack and Janice were convoying Aunt Mary below.
Mitch.e.l.l went out into the hall.
"Well, Miss Watkins," he said, in a tone such as one would use to call down Santos-Dumont, "I"m mighty glad to see you looking so well."
Aunt Mary turned the goggles full upon him.
"A present from Mr. Clover," she said smiling.
"I never knew him to take so much trouble for any lady before," said Mitch.e.l.l; and as she arrived just then at the foot of the staircase he pressed her proffered hand warmly and forthwith led her in upon the two men in the library.
She looked exactly like a living edition of one of the bug pictures, and Clover had to think and swallow fast and hard to keep from being overcome.
But he was true blue, and came out right side up. Aunt Mary was acclaimed on all sides, and escorted to the "bubble."
Burnett couldn"t resist going, too, at the last moment; but, as his ribs were really tender yet, he sat in front with Clover. Jack and Mitch.e.l.l sat behind, and deftly inserted the honored guest between them.
"It"s an even thing as to which is the ear-trumpet side," Mitch.e.l.l said, as they all stood about preparatory to climbing in. "Of course, that side don"t need to holler quite so loud; but then, to balance, he may get his one and only pair of front teeth knocked out any minute."
"I"ll take that side," said Jack. "I"m used to fighting under the inspiration of the trumpet."
"And G.o.d be with you," said his friend piously. "May he watch over you and bring you out safe and whole-teeth, eyes, etc."
"Come on," said Clover impatiently; "don"t you know this thing"s getting up power and you"re wasting it talking."
"Curious," laughed Burnett. "I never knew that it was gasolene that men were consuming when they kept an automobile waiting."
And then they got in and were off-a merry load, indeed.
"Dear me, but it"s a-goin"!" Aunt Mary exclaimed, as the thing began to whiz and she felt suddenly impelled to clutch wildly at her flanking escorts. "Suppose we met a dog."
"We"d leave a floor mat," shrieked Mitch.e.l.l. "Oh, but isn"t this great-greater-greatest?"
"Time of your life, Aunt Mary!" Jack howled, as they went over a boarded spot in the pavement, and the old lady nearly went over the back in consequence. "You"re in for the time of your life!"
"How do you like it?" yelled Clover, throwing a glance over his shoulder.
Aunt Mary started to answer, but they came to four car tracks one after another, and the successive shocks rendered her speechless.
"Where are we going?" Burnett asked.
"Nowhere," said Clover. "Just waking up the machine." And he turned on another million volts as he spoke.
"Oh, my bonnet!" cried poor Aunt Mary, and that bit of her adornment was in the street and had been run over four times before they could slow up, turn around, and get back to the scene of its output.
It speaks volumes for the permeating atmosphere of "having the time of your life" that its owner laughed when the wreck was shown to her.
"I don"t care a bit," she said. "I can go down to Delmonico"s an" get me another to-morrow mornin", easy."
"What a trump you are, Aunt Mary!" said Jack admiringly. "Here, Burnett, fish her out that extra cap from the cane rack; there"s always one in the bottom. There-now you won"t take cold, Aunt Mary."
The cap, with its fore-piece, was the crowning glory of Aunt Mary"s get-up. The brain measurements of him who had bought the cap being to its present wearer"s as five is to three, the effect of its proportions, in addition to the goggles and the ear-trumpet, was such as to have overawed a survivor of Medusa"s stare.
"Oh, I say," said Mitch.e.l.l, "it"s a sin to keep as good a joke as this in the family! We must drive her around town until the night falls down or the battery burns out."
"I say so too," said Burnett. "This is more sport than oiling railroad tracks and seeing old Tweedwell brought up for it. Say, set her a-buzzing again. It"s a big game, isn"t it?"
Clover thought so, with the result that they speeded through tranquil neighborhoods and churned leisurely where the ma.s.ses seethed until countless thousands were wondering what under the sun those four young fellows had in the back of their car.
The sad part about all good fun is that it has to end sooner or later; and about six o"clock the whole party began to be aware that, if refreshments were not taken, their end was surely close at hand. They therefore called a brief halt somewhere to get what is technically known as a "sandwich,"
and the results were thoroughly satisfactory to everyone but Aunt Mary.
She took one bite of her sandwich, and then opened it with an abruptness which merged into disgust when it proved to be full of fish eggs.
"Why didn"t you tell me what it was made of?" she asked in annoyance. "I feel just as if I"d swallowed a marsh-a green one!"