The Renewal of Life; How and When to Tell the Story to the Young.
by Margaret Warner Morley.
I
THE RENEWAL OF LIFE
Every human being must sooner or later know the facts concerning the origin of his life on the earth. One of the most puzzling questions is how and when such information should be given to the young.
There is nothing the parent more desires than that his child should have a high ideal in regard to the s.e.x-life and that he should live in accordance with that ideal, yet nowhere is careful and systematic education so lacking as here.
What parent would allow his child to go untaught in the particulars concerning truth-telling, honesty, cleanliness, and behavior, trusting that in some way the child would discover the facts necessary to the practice of these virtues and live accordingly? And yet with apparent inconsistency one of the prime virtues is neglected; one of the most vital needs of every human being--the understanding of his s.e.x-nature--is too often left entirely to chance. Not only is the youth uninstructed, but no proper way of learning the truth is within his reach. It is as though he were set blindfold in the midst of dangerous pitfalls, with the admonition not to fall into any of them. Those who ought to tell the facts will not, consequently the facts must be gathered from chance sources which are too often bad, poisoning mind and heart. Even the physiologies, with the exception of those large, and to the average reader inaccessible, volumes used in medical schools, scarcely ever touch upon the subject. Of course these larger books give only the physiological facts couched in scientific terms. How and where, then, can the youth learn what he needs to know?
It is true there is a n.o.ble effort being made for young men, and to a less extent for young women, by certain organizations that exist for the help of the young, to supply this curious defect in our educational system; but these efforts reach but comparatively few members in a community, and come too late in the life of the young to give them their first impressions on the subject. Perhaps the most encouraging sign for the future is the interest that thousands of mothers in all walks of life are to-day taking in the best methods of training their children to a right understanding and n.o.ble conception of s.e.x-life. Innumerable mothers" clubs give the subject a place in the curriculum of the club work, at stated times discussing, reading, consulting all available authorities which may be of help. Some of these mothers live in poor homes in neighborhoods where their children are exposed to all sorts of evil communications and temptations. Others have sheltered homes, from which the children go out among refined a.s.sociates from whom there may be little danger of learning that which is evil. Yet others live in moderate circ.u.mstances, where the home influences may be good, but where the children are liable to mingle with a heterogeneous society in their school and perhaps in their social life.
Moreover, in all these homes there are children of different natures,--some with temperaments which make it easy for them to imbibe harmful information, while others as naturally resent such information.
Nor is the child of rich parents living in a costly home necessarily the child least likely to make mistakes. The facts quickly refute any such idea. It is the child most carefully trained at home, with the most inspiring counsel and the wisest guidance in all directions, who has the best chance for successful living, the child whose parents not only secure the best outside a.s.sistance where such is necessary, but who themselves take a vital and continuous interest in his education. Such parents, where the help of nurses and teachers is necessary in the home, see to it that these helpers are wholesome, high-minded companions for the growing minds put under their charge.
The poorest child is the child of wealthy parents, who is turned over to hirelings, chosen more for their accent of a foreign tongue than for their knowledge of child life and of the laws which govern the growing mind and body. Such children not infrequently become as depraved as the most neglected and exposed child of the slums, later poisoning the minds or shocking the sensibilities of children in the schools they attend.
One of the difficulties every mother has to encounter is the presence of undesirable companions in the school. The argument that a child coming from a sheltered home will not be influenced by such companions is only in part true. He may not be influenced, or, again, he may. Among older children, if the wrongdoer be dazzling in manner, looks, social position, or even in power to lavish money, he will acquire a certain ascendency over many of his companions, who, if not safeguarded against his allurements by a clear knowledge of the facts of life, may fall into his snares.
How, then, can all these various situations be dealt with? How, how much, when, and where shall the youth be safeguarded against influences, misconceptions, and mistakes which may mar his whole after-life? These are the questions which in part this book endeavors to answer.
The answers come from the writer"s experience of many years" work with mothers interested in this subject, especially from the testimony and the questions of thousands of such mothers in all walks of life who possessed children of all temperaments.
The book is not meant to be either exhaustive or arbitrary. It is written with the single desire of helping the mother who may be groping her way in this matter, its aim being twofold,--to indicate methods of procedure among which the mother may find one adapted to her special needs and circ.u.mstances, or at least from which she may get hints which she can herself follow in her own way, and to indicate sources of information.
One trivial difficulty has presented itself in preparing the succeeding chapters, and that is the lack in the English language of a p.r.o.noun including both genders. The English impersonal p.r.o.noun, being masculine in form, is liable to create the impression that "he" or "his" exclusive of "she" or "her" is the subject of discourse. This is not so. Generally the masculine p.r.o.noun is used impersonally in this discussion, and the discerning reader can easily decide from the context where this is not the case.
As a help to the busy mother in selecting books for herself and her children, a list is given at the end of the book. This list is by no means exhaustive. There are many other and doubtless equally good books.
The books given are reliable, are prettily ill.u.s.trated, are now in print, and are easily obtainable at any book-store. If they are not in stock the book-seller will be glad to send for them. Further, to aid in selecting and ordering, the retail price is added. A small circulating library of well chosen books adds greatly to the usefulness of a mother"s club, and such a library can be collected at small cost.
Where the club is composed of heterogeneous members it is advisable that the president, or some member chosen for the purpose, should lead the discussion, which should be on some one topic selected and made known beforehand. This leader should not only guide the discussion, but be ready to explain the books and make the subject clear to those tired and overworked mothers who have had fewer educational advantages but who are in need of such knowledge as will enable them to guide their children.
A mother unconnected with a club, and unable to afford all the books she wants, can find many of those here recommended in the village or city library; and where this is not the case the library is generally willing to make such purchases as its patrons request.
II
WHO IS TO TELL THE STORY, AND WHEN IS IT TO BE TOLD?
Every thoughtful guardian of a child is sooner or later confronted with three questions in connection with this subject,--
Who is to tell the story to the child?
When should it be told?
How should it be told?
_Who shall tell the story?_
The best teachers in this subject are undoubtedly the child"s parents.
Since the mother generally spends more time with him and is more accustomed to instruct him in manners and morals it naturally belongs to her to give him his first instruction here, and it is an opportunity which no mother understanding its value can afford to miss.
Nothing draws a child so close to his mother as the knowledge, rightly conveyed, of how truly he is a part of her. Almost without exception the young boy learning the truth from the lips of his mother has a new feeling of reverence and love for her. Countless are the testimonies of mothers as to the result of telling this fact. One ill.u.s.tration will answer as an example of hundreds of similar ones. A certain little boy listened open-eyed to the story; then, the blood mounting to his cheeks, he threw himself into his mother"s arms, exclaiming, "Oh, mamma, that is why I love you so!"
Moreover, if the right kind of confidence is established between mother and child, the child will come to his mother with his questions and difficulties instead of trying to satisfy his curiosity elsewhere.
The question is often asked, Will not close companionship and sympathy between mother and child in a general way produce the same result, causing the child to confide in the mother in case of needing information, without any previous talks on the subject?
Of course the closer the relationship between the two the more easily will the child confide everything; yet with very many children, if this one subject is avoided (and particularly is this true as the child grows older), it will not be introduced by the child, no matter how much he may desire the knowledge, or how intimate in other ways may be his talks with his mother. The judicious mother can get a hold upon her son through this subject that nothing else gives; she can keep him closer to her, and oftentimes can guide him safely over difficult places. What is true of the son is of course true of the daughter. The little girl will respond as readily as her brother to confidences of this kind, and will find them as helpful. She very often escapes much that her brother in his freer life meets, yet undoubtedly in the great majority of cases the instruction is as vitally necessary to her as to him.
While the earliest teachings seem to fall most naturally to the mother, the father should also share the responsibility and the privilege, talking with frank confidence upon the subject whenever occasion offers.
The question is often asked, Is it not better for the father to talk to the boys, the mother to the girls?
There no doubt are cases where this might be wise, but the mother, understanding the close relationship between her son and herself that may come through such talks,--a relationship continuing and increasing in value as the years go on,--would feel that she could not afford to lose anything so precious to both her boy and herself.
While the establishment of this relationship might be difficult or even impossible later, it is easily begun in childhood and as easily continued. Moreover, many boys are specially helped by talking with their mother. They often feel in her a quicker sympathy and a more perfect understanding of their needs; and as their instinctive desire is to understand life from _her_ point of view as well, they often feel something in her which is lacking in the father. On the other hand, the boy who is talked to exclusively by the mother, particularly when he begins to develop into manhood may say, or think, "Oh, you cannot understand; you never were a man." The father"s voice here is needed, but if that is impossible there is abundant written testimony and advice from well-known men to youth on this subject which can be put into the boy"s hands.
While the child"s best teachers of these intimate truths are undoubtedly his parents, it may happen for various reasons that this is impossible.
The child may have grown to an age where the timid parent, who has not hitherto realized the necessity, cannot approach him. Or there may be other reasons. In such cases the duty may devolve upon some one else capable of fulfilling it. Such a one may be, should be, the minister. It ought to be a part of the recognized duty of every minister of a congregation to see that such of his young men as desire it are instructed in the facts necessary to their well-being in this direction.
It is not enough to tell them to live pure lives; they must be helped to understand their own organizations and everything pertaining to this side of life that they need or want to know. There should be similar help obtainable by the young women of the congregation from some competent woman approved by the minister. Purity is an integral part of the religion of the new civilization, and purity and everything helping to it should be as conscientiously and thoroughly taught in the churches as are any other religious truths. In the church the young man, the young woman, should be able to find corroboration of the s.e.x-truths taught him by his parents; and those young people not so fortunate as to receive instruction at home should be able to drink from their religious teachers deep draughts from this spring of salvation.
The family physician ought also to be a refuge of help for the young; and here the woman doctor, that blessing of these later days, can do a work of reformation and salvation. No one has more power to sow seeds of wisdom in the homes of the people, helping the mother to understand and desire the careful instruction of her children, and where the mother requests it, being ready to give the needed help to the young people themselves.
Again, the teacher or some friend may be requested by the parent to come to the help of the needy child. But whoever gives this information, it is needless to say, should himself be pure in heart, of high moral principles, with a firm belief in the value and possibility of purity, and with sufficient knowledge of the subject in all its aspects to be a wise instructor, giving not only physiological information where that is desirable, but working specially for ethical and spiritual elevation.
Physiological facts alone may not have the slightest effect upon the manner of living; there should be first and deeply implanted a spiritual desire for purity, when the knowledge of such facts may be a valuable help.
The question is very often asked, Should this subject be taught in schools?
To a certain extent it is taught. Every botany cla.s.s teaches its rudiments; and in the higher grades, where biology is taught, the pupil comes to a clear understanding of the main facts. School botany, however, merely glimpses at the truth, and biological cla.s.ses are few and far between. So, as far as the majority of children are concerned, the schools can hardly be said to touch the subject. Whether it would be well for the schools to deal with it is a very difficult question, so much depending upon the way the work is done. It might be possible to introduce it helpfully in connection with a well graded system of nature-study, but since such does not exist in most schools, and since there is very great danger in speaking in public on this subject before children, no matter how well the speaking may be done, it is undoubtedly better not to approach it directly in the schools,--at least in grades below the high school. Like religious training, this belongs peculiarly to the home and the parent. Although she cannot give general instruction, the teacher of children can help by being watchful of her flock, alert to detect signs of wrong doing, ready to help by private counsel, and--when parents consent--to give information to any needy child. In dealing with this subject the teacher needs to be as wise as the serpent and as harmless as the dove, not only for her own sake but for the sake of those she wishes to help.
_When to tell the story._
It is an axiom of education that the foundations of knowledge should be laid in childhood. From all time it has been observed that what is learned in the earlier years remains most persistently through life.
Hence we begin to inculcate moral truths at an early age. Ideas of truthfulness and honesty, for instance, are graven so deeply on the young mind that they can never afterwards be erased. "Just as the twig is bent the tree"s inclined," said our forefathers, and it is true.
"First impressions are the most lasting," is another true adage. This being so, we should see to it that the first impression the child gets on the subject in question is the one we wish him to keep. Many a life has been lamed and saddened because of the first terrible and ineradicable impressions it received upon this all-important subject.
Many a high-minded man and woman have gone through life tormented by images of the first unworthy thoughts. No matter how good the after-knowledge may be, it is almost impossible to erase from the tablets of memory that old first impression.