A few days after he left, I had to go to Shanghai to stock up on some merchandise so I was planning to come back with him. His old lady, Ding Hongmei’s second death anniversary was coming up.

 

It kind of blew my mind when I thought about it.

 

I got on the eastbound train. For some d.a.m.n reason, there was a ton of people going to Shanghai even on a Sunday and the train was packed. I had only bought the regular ticket so I only got a seat after some people got off at Suzhou.

 

I had not gone to Shanghai for stocking purposes and I was most likely going this time because he was there.

 

He went to Shanghai and I really missed him.

 

I really had done it with him.

 

Every time I thought about this, I gulped nervously, which I still did even after a long, long time.

 

An earthquake was about to upset my little world.

 

I was a bit scared, well, not exactly scared but nervous, excited and wary. I would think about it and my hands would get so sweaty. Things went way out of hand and I had allowed it to for some reason. It was just that I couldn’t care less. When he looked down and looked back up again, and he said he liked me, just for that moment, I couldn’t care less.

 

I doubt I was as calm as I thought I was.

 

I wanted to smoke.

 

I couldn’t help but think about the future.

 

I couldn’t and didn’t want him to leave my life. But…

 

Then again, I was kind of confused. I wasn’t as determined as him. I wondered how he could be so certain. What if I had rejected him? What if I didn’t like him? What if I said bye-bye after f.u.c.king him?

 

He was younger so he was braver, or maybe he was just braver than me.

 

Recalling his quivering spine as he took me, I clenched my teeth.

 

I was his ‘ge’ after all; I could not be worse than him.

 

Wen Miao was swarming with people. Luckily, I managed to get some cartoons from a small vendor on the outskirts. Cartoon was starting to get popular at that time, the kind you played on the computer. The quality was bad. You could only sell it and not rent it because it would go bad after being watched a couple of times. However, there were lots of good stuff.

 

We’d better take the coach back. The train station’s security is pretty tight.

 

By then, I had found out why those girls were climbing over each other to borrow my books. Most of them came for this thing called BL—boy’s love. Why would girls want to read these strange, new things? I actually tried asking Ah-Fen. From what she told me, she would not even be here working for me if she made the same efforts on her university entrance exam as she did reading BL. I didn’t know what to say to that. She also said something like, ‘it’s real love, you won’t get it.’

 

Tsk, tsk. Yeah, yeah, I don’t get it.

 

At first, it was only made by those j.a.panese people. By then, there were some coming out from Taiwan, too, but the quality was quite different.

 

I felt kind of guilty for renting these out to young girls. They were a bit too young. But how could I let business slip away? Then the thought occurred to me that those j.a.panese were still pretty f.u.c.ked up after reading BL for so many years. Maybe if you gave your children a f.u.c.ked up education, your children would not get f.u.c.ked up by other people.

 

I left Wen Miao and started asking around for directions with his security service company’s address. No one knew the directions and when I got to a policeman, he said, “First take the ×× bus then the ×× bus then the ×× bus, and then walk for one stop.” But his colleague disagreed, saying it was better to “take the taxi to People’s Square and take the subway to ×× Station and then take the××× bus,” because even though it would cost an extra buck or so, I wouldn’t have to walk.

 

I did not know who to listen to. Shanghai was just too d.a.m.n big.

 

I managed to find the place. It was a high-rise building. The good news was that I dressed decently so the guard out front did not give me a hard time. I found “VM Security” on the twenty-fifth floor. The company was in a three-bedroom, two-living suite. There was only a young kid, younger than Shen Bin, probably because it was the weekend.

 

“Oh, you’re looking for Bin-ge. He’ll be back really soon.” He was a warm kid, poured some water for me and showed me to a seat.

 

Soon after, he came back with five or six muscles behind him. His cheeks actually flushed red out of shyness when he saw me after coming in. It was only for a second or two but flowers were practically blooming in my little, beating heart.

 

He was dressed decently, too. T-shirt and jeans. His hair had gotten a bit longer.

 

“This is my cousin,” I heard him telling the men behind him. Those big guys all nodded to me respectfully—so I guessed that he was their boss. It felt sort of off, though, and I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly.

 

Afterwards, we went to a small shop and ordered a few dishes and two cans of beer. He did not sit across the table from me but right next to me.

 

He seemed to be doing well in VM (violent men?) Security so I did not want to ask him to help me back home.

 

He drank some beer and glanced at me without saying anything. I kicked him under the table. Why, was he being shy?

 

“I thought you were mad.”

 

Huh? I looked at him.

 

“’Kay, good that you’re not. Um. So what did you think about the company?” He dug into the food without looking at me.

 

“It’s good as long as it’s nothing crooked.”

 

He suddenly thought of something and fished it out. “The company bought these for us. Nice, eh? Samsung’s newest model, N188. It’ll be easier staying in contact with this. You can call me. If you called me today, I would’ve gone to pick you up in an instant.” He was still young and couldn’t help but get excited with new things. “I’ll get you one too when I get my paycheque in a bit. Yeah?”

 

Cell phones were quite rare at that time. Not like now, even people living in the dumpsters have one. The one his company bought was imported too—it had to be almost four hundred bucks. I actually did want to buy one but I thought there was not much of a need.

 

He puckered his lips after not seeing any reaction from me and stuffed the phone back into his pocket, looking embarra.s.sed. He looked cautious like he didn’t want to anger me and I felt really bad. Why was I such a jerk?

 

Putting down my chopsticks, I stuck my hand into his pocket. “Huh, were you afraid I was going to steal it? I tell you, from now on, I’m going to call you every single day and you’re going to pay for the minutes. I was just a bit worried that your paycheque won’t be able to handle it.”

 

“I’m taking your word for it. No take-backs!” He burst out laughing right away. “If my paycheque’s not enough, we can always use yours. I mean you’re the boss.”

 

He changed so much. Before, he used to be sn.o.bby and disgruntled. What had made him change? Growing up, life in prison, his mother’s death—or me?

 

You’re thinking too highly of yourself there, I laughed at myself in my head.

 

“Hey, what’re you laughin’ at? C’mon, let’s see you laugh now. C’mon…” He pinched my waist. I was extremely ticklish and almost spewed out all the food in my mouth. He kept laughing amusingly while patting my back.

 

I was really happy to see him laughing without a care like other guys his age.

 

I hoped he would from now on, too.

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