"Let"s leave it at that. Why rub the bloom off the mystery?"
"Do I rub the bloom off?"
"Yes, if you make out that I had anything to do with it."
"If it"s mystery you want, don"t you see that"s the greatest mystery of all--your having had to do with it?"
"But why should I, of all people? Is there any sign of Freda Farrar in anything I did before I knew her?"
"Is there any sign of her in anything she did before she knew you?"
He was silent.
"Then," said Freda, "if it isn"t you it"s we. We"ve collaborated."
If he had not been illumined by the horrid light Julia had given him he would have said that this was only Freda"s way, another form of her adorable extravagance. Now he wondered.
Poor Freda went on piling up her defenses. "Don"t you see?" said she. "That"s why I feel so sure of it. If it had been just me, I should never have been sure a minute. It might have gone any day, and I should have known that there was no more where it came from.
But, if it"s you, I can simply lean back on it and rest. Don"t you see?"
"No," he said, "I don"t see."
(He was saying to himself: "I"m afraid Julia was right about her.
Only she doesn"t know it.")
"You must leave me out of it. You mustn"t let yourself think that you rest on anything or anybody but yourself."
It was what Julia had said, searching her with her woman"s eyes. He did not look at her as he said it.
Her nerves still shook under Julia"s distant and delicate admonition to her to keep her head. It struck her that he was repeating the warning in a still more delicate and distant manner. She wondered was it possible that he was beginning to be afraid? Couldn"t he see that he was safe with her? That they were safe with one another?
What was she doing now but letting him see how safe they were?
Hadn"t she just given to their relations the last touch of spiritual completion? She had made a place for him where he could come and go at will, and rest without terror. Couldn"t he see that she had set her house of life above all that, so high that n.o.body down here could see what went on up there, and wonder at his going out and coming in?
Keep her head, indeed! Her untroubled and untrammeled movements on her heights proved how admirably she kept it.
"You see," he continued, "it"s not as if I could be always here, on the spot."
His voice still sounded the distant note of warning. It told her that there was something that he wished to make _her_ see.
Her best answer to that was silence, and a sincere front intimating that she saw everything, and that there was nothing to touch her in the things _he_ saw.
"And as it happens" (Caldecott"s voice shook a little), "I"m going away next week. I shall be away a very long time."
She knew that he did not look at her now lest he should see her wince. She did not wince.
"Well," said she, "I shall be here when you come back."
It was then that she saw the terror in his face.
"Of course," he said, "I hope--very much--you will be here."
She felt that he, like Julia, was leading her to the edge of the deep dividing place, and that he paused miserably where Julia had plunged. She saw him trying to bridge the gulf, to cover it, with decent, gentle commonplaces and courtesies. Then he went away.
What had she done to make him afraid of her? Or was it what she had said? The other day, before she had seen Julia, she could have said anything to him. Now it seemed there was nothing that she could say.
What was it that he had seen in her?
That was it. With all his wonderful comprehension he had failed her in the ultimate test--the ability to see what was in her. He had seen nothing but one thing, the thing he was accustomed to see, the material woman"s pa.s.sion to pursue, to make captive, to possess. He would go thinking all his life that it was she who had failed, she who, by her vulgarity, had made it impossible for him to remain her friend. She supposed she _had_ piled it up too high. It was her very defenses that had betrayed her, made her more flagrant and exposed.
She bowed herself for hours to the scourging of that thought till the thought itself perished from exhaustion.
She knew that it was not so. He held her higher than that.
He was not afraid. He was only sorry for her. He had tried to be more tender to her than she was herself. He was going away because his honor, his masculine honor, told him that if he could not marry her there was nothing else for him to do. He was trying to spare her pain. It was very honorable of him, she knew.
But it would have been more honorable still if he had stayed; if he had trusted her to keep her friendship incorruptible by pain. Or rather, if he had seen that no pain could touch her, short of the consummate spiritual torture he was inflicting now.
There were moments when she stood back from the torture self-delivered. When she heard herself saying to him: "I know why you"re going. It"s because you think I wanted you to give me something that you can"t give me. Don"t you see that if you can"t give it me it doesn"t matter? It"s, after all, so little compared with what you have given me. Is it honorable to take that away?
Don"t you see how you"re breaking faith with me? Don"t you see that you"ve made me ashamed, and that nothing can be worse to bear than that?"
Then she knew that she would never be able to say that to him. She would never be able to say anything to him any more. She wondered whether he had made those other women ashamed when he broke loose from them. Was she ashamed, did she suffer, the woman who had caught and held him, and hurt him so?
At the thought of his hurt her pa.s.sion had such pity that it cried out in her, "What have they done to you that you can"t see?"
VI
He went away the following week to the North, and remained there for six months. His honor prescribed a considerable term of absence. It compelled him to keep away from her for some time after his return.
He told himself that she had the consolation of her gift.
Meanwhile no sign of it had reached him since the day he left her.
Julia could give him no news of her; she believed, but was not certain, that Freda was away. When he called in Montagu Street he was told that Miss Farrar had given up her rooms and gone abroad.
He wrote to the address given him, and heard from her by return. She told him that she was very well; that San Remo was very beautiful; that she was sure he would be glad to hear that a small income had been left to her, enough to relieve her from the necessity of writing--she had not, in fact, written a line in the last year--otherwise, of course, he would have heard from her. "It rather looks," she added, "as if poverty had been my inspiration."
In every word he read her desire to spare him.
It had not stayed with her, then? The slender flame had died in her, the sudden spirit had fled. Well, if it had to go, it was better that it should go this way, all at once, rather than that they should have had to acknowledge any falling-off from the delicate perfection of her gift.
Three months later a letter from his friend, Mrs. Dysart, informed him of Freda"s death at San Remo early in the spring.
Mrs. Dysart had seen her there. She was now staying with her niece, Julia Nethersole, and desired to see him. She was sure that he would want to hear about their friend.
He remembered Mrs. Dysart as a small, robust, iron-gray woman--sharp-tongued, warm-hearted, terrifically observant. Though childless, she had always struck him as almost savagely maternal.
He dreaded the interview, for he had had some vague idea that she had not appreciated Freda. Besides, his connection with Miss Farrar was so public that Mrs. Dysart would have no delicacy in approaching it.
Mrs. Dysart proved more reticent than he had feared. The full flow of her reminiscences began only under pressure.
The news of Miss Farrar"s death, she said, came to her as a shock, but hardly as a surprise.