"What?"
"Another baby."
Sarah raised an eyebrow. "Does Ethan agree?" Ethan had gone through such pain over losing his son that he"d never wanted to have another child. It had taken Serena a year before she was convinced that he was ready.
"Let"s just say I"m working on him. He spends all day with Ja.s.sy and when she starts school, he"s going to be lost without her. Another child would definitely divide his attention and worry."
As Sarah listened, she wished her life was that simple, her problems so easy to solve. Serena and Ethan loved each other and they would work out their differences, but Sarah feared her pain was too deep to ever a.s.suage. She had to try, though. She couldn"t stay in denial forever.
Serena watched her for a moment. "My life"s not what you wanted to talk about. What"s wrong, Sarah?"
Sarah rested her chin on her knees and stared down at her toes. She used to paint her nails, but she hadn"t done that in years.
"Sarah-" Serena prompted.
She took a long breath. "I"ve told you so many times that I"m fine. I realized today that I"m not."
"What happened?"
Sarah told her about Brooke Wallace.
"How awful."
"It is," Sarah agreed. "When she asked me if the shame and horror would ever go away, I should have been able to say yes. But I couldn"t honestly say that, and it shook me."
"What did you say?"
"I told her that in time with a concentrated effort she could put it behind her and that she had to talk to people." She shook her head. "I haven"t done any of that. I pushed what happened to me to the back of my mind and I"ve never really faced it or conquered all those bad feelings. Instead I"ve burrowed further and further inside myself until..." She stopped. "Do you know what the cops call me?"
"No."
"Colder Than Ice. And it"s true. I"m frozen inside and I can"t feel anymore. I won"t allow myself to feel. I can"t...I..."
"Oh, Sarah." Serena jumped up and went to her, holding her tight. "I think you"ve done remarkably well considering all you"ve been through."
"No. I just did what I had to-going through the motions of living."
Serena leaned back. "You saw your fiance killed then you were brutalized by a drug lord and forced to strip in a disgusting club. After that you found out you had an identical twin sister and a grandmother you knew nothing about-and Celia, the woman who raised you, who you thought was your grandmother, was really your father"s wife. That"s a tremendous amount of trauma for anyone to deal with."
When Sarah didn"t speak, Serena added, "I"m so proud of you and I"m sure listening to that young girl"s terrifying story brought back a lot of painful memories."
"It didn"t bring them back-that"s what I"m trying to tell you. I"ve never let go of them. I haven"t dealt with my past. I help other people, but I can"t help myself. Even Daniel knows that."
"Daniel?"
"I see him occasionally when I"m working and when I do, he looks at me with such concern and empathy. That irritates me. He always asks how I am. That irritates me more. I"ve tried to understand why that is, but I"ve never found an answer. Last night he was at the hospital and after everyone had left he asked why I resented him so much. Words spilled out before I could stop them and I said some hurtful things."
"Like what?"
"Like I blame him for Greg"s death and I don"t appreciate him always looking over my shoulder to make sure I"m okay. I don"t need his help or concern and I told him to stay away from me."
"Oh, Sarah."
"I know. He"s been nothing but kind and helpful. He saw something, though, that I couldn"t-that I"m falling apart. I lashed out because..."
"Because what?"
Sarah swallowed hard. "Because it goes much deeper. I realized that today, too." She stared off past Serena"s shoulder. "Remember that day Ethan and Daniel rescued us from Boyd"s apartment?"
"I"m not likely to ever forget it."
"I was so afraid Boyd was going to kill you and Ethan like he killed Greg. I pa.s.sed out and when I came to, I was lying on the floor and Daniel had his ear against my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. At first I didn"t know what was going on, then I realized my robe was open and I didn"t have anything on but a pair of bikini panties. I knew he was a policeman and I was so embarra.s.sed."
Serena rubbed her arm. "You shouldn"t be. We were all very worried about you. Daniel was just trying to see if you were still breathing. I don"t think he even noticed you were almost naked."
"But I noticed." She blinked back a tear. "Sometimes I dream I"m on that stage, taking off my clothes, and I hear the men hollering and whistling. I didn"t want Daniel to see me like that."
"Are you saying you have feelings for Daniel?"
"No, but I don"t want him to see me that way."
"What way?"
"Like a s.l.u.t."
Serena caught Sarah"s face and turned it so she could look into her eyes. "Listen to me. You"re not a s.l.u.t. No one, including Daniel, sees you that way. You"re a beautiful, talented, courageous young woman. And you"re strong-stronger than I ever could be. I love you and I"m so glad you"re my sister."
Sarah wrapped her arms around Serena and rested her head on her shoulder. "Help me, Serena. I don"t want to feel like this anymore. I want the pain and nightmares to stop. I know all the textbook stuff, but it"s hard to apply that to myself."
"Okay, then, let"s do something different."
Sarah pulled back. "Like what?"
Serena became thoughtful. "Well, you say you"re cold, so let"s warm you up."
"Do you have something in mind?"
"Yes, and of course this is a lay person"s point of view-to make a woman feel better about herself, it helps to make her look great on the outside. Once you gain some confidence in your femininity again, I think the rest will follow. As a counselor you"ll have to sort through all the debris that"s making you feel this way and I"ll be here to help you any way I can."
"Thank you," Sarah replied, gaining confidence from her sister. "True healing comes from here-" she placed a hand over her heart "-and here." She pointed to her head. "But in my case, working on the exterior couldn"t hurt and I know exactly where to start." Excitement bubbled inside her. She had to change herself outwardly before her emotions ever had a chance to heal. She unb.u.t.toned the top two b.u.t.tons on her blouse, then thought, What the h.e.l.l? and undid another.
Serena jumped up. "And the hair. We need to do something with the hair." Her eyes grew bright. "Let"s do a complete makeover. We have the whole afternoon to create a lot of warmth."
Sarah got to her feet. "What about Ethan, Ja.s.sy and Gran?"
"I"ll call Ethan on his cell phone. He"s been wanting to visit a ranching supply place here and Ja.s.sy"s happy as long as she"s with her daddy. I"ll leave Gran a note. After the busy morning, she"ll be glad for a break."
"Then let"s do it," Sarah said with gusto.
"Okay." Serena studied Sarah. "I"m thinking shorter hair. What are you thinking?"
Sarah smiled. "I"m thinking I"m so glad you"re home."
DANIEL WALKED INTO the police station and found Russ Devers slipping on his jacket, ready to go out. Russ was, as Sarah had said, a macho cop. Daniel and Russ had clashed many times, mainly about correct police procedure, which Russ tended to ignore. He broke the rules constantly and his lieutenant had a list of complaints about the methods he used to get the job done. There were complaints about his appearance, too. His hair was pulled back into a ponytail and his clothes looked as if he"d gotten them out of the hamper. He chewed constantly on a toothpick, fighting a smoking habit. But Russ was good at solving crimes, so the grievances were filed away.
"What"s the matter, Daniel?" Russ spouted off. "Didn"t you get the message last night? I don"t require your help anymore."
Daniel clenched his jaw at Russ"s attempt to a.s.sert his authority. But he"d come here for a reason.
"I didn"t come to argue with you, Russ. I came to apologize."
Russ stopped stuffing papers into his pocket and looked up. "Well, I"ll be d.a.m.ned. You"re actually admitting you were wrong."
"Yes. I stepped over the line last night and I apologize for that."
Russ shrugged. "What am I supposed to say? That I won"t report you?"
"Do whatever you feel you have to. Just go easy on the girl. She"s just a kid."
"Don"t tell me how to do my job," Russ spat, biting down on the toothpick. "That girl knows something and I"ll get it out of her as long as Ms. Welch stays out of my way."
Daniel sighed heavily. "If she knows something, which I doubt, you"ll never get it out of her by using heavy-handed tactics."
"You really p.i.s.s me off with that "good cop" att.i.tude."
"Well, Russ, you catch this guy and I"ll stay the h.e.l.l out of your way forever."
Russ was ready to say more, but Joel walked up. "Ready, Russ?"
"Yeah." Russ picked up his cell phone and attached it to his belt. "We"re meeting with the kid who threw the party to get the names of everyone who was there. Then we"ll have the name of the rapist and Miss Wallace will help to finger him."
"I hope you catch him," was all Daniel said.
Russ brushed past him. "I will, and I don"t need your help."
Daniel didn"t respond. He didn"t feel he had to.
Russ stopped and turned back. "Thanks for the apology."
Daniel nodded and watched in silence as Russ and Joel walked away. He hadn"t mentioned that he was quitting the force. It wasn"t any of Russ"s business. He was quitting. For the first time, the word played in his mind. He"d never quit anything in his life and the words suddenly stuck in his throat. He was quitting.
His phone buzzed and he wiped the thought away.
"Daniel, it"s Ethan."
"Hey, Ethan, how the h.e.l.l are you?" He"d never felt so glad to hear his old friend"s voice.
"Fine. I was hoping you had time for lunch."
"Sure. I"m free."
"You might change your mind when I tell you where I"m at."
"Try me."
"McDonald"s."
Daniel laughed. "You have Ja.s.sy with you."
"Yeah."
"Tell me which one and I"ll be there as fast as I can."
Within ten minutes he was pulling up at a McDonald"s. He found Ethan in the kid"s area watching Ja.s.sy on a slide.
He shook Ethan"s hand. "It"s good to see you. Let me get some coffee and I"ll be right back."
He returned with a steaming cup in his hand. Sitting, he pulled his coat tighter around him. "It"s cold out here."
"Try telling that to my daughter."
Daniel watched Ja.s.sy as she played with another little girl. "Man, she looks just like Serena." And Sarah. Don"t think about her.
"Yeah. Isn"t she beautiful?"
Daniel shook his head in amus.e.m.e.nt. "You still have that lovesick quality in your voice just talking about Serena."
"Life"s been pretty wonderful lately," Ethan admitted.
Daniel took a sip of the hot coffee. "So how"s the rest of the family?"
"Fine. Molly"s happy being a wife and mother again. Travis is in Nashville and it looks like he"s finally going to get a record deal."
"Last time I saw him he was singing with this woman who had an awesome voice. They were getting a lot of attention here in Dallas."
"It was like a domino effect. Someone saw them and told this guy from a record company, then he came down and invited them to Nashville. They"ve been there about six months."
"Hope it works out for him."
"Me, too. He"s been dreaming about this since he was fifteen."
"And Walt? How"s he?"
Ethan leaned back. "Now that"s a whole other story. My father has been seeing Mrs. Alma Ferguson about five years now. The other night I caught him sneaking in at five in the morning. I told him I didn"t understand why he didn"t just spend the whole night. He"s in his seventies and as long as he practices safe s.e.x I was okay with it. He did not appreciate my sense of humor and he had a few choice words to say about respecting my elders. So I"m just letting Pop do his thing. He"s happy. Mrs. Alma"s happy. And I"m staying out of it."
Daniel twisted his cup. "I hope when I"m that age, I"ll still be thinking about women."
"Anyone in particular?"