"I"m not deserting you. I don"t want to lose my sisters, you and Bridget. Whoever we find will never replace you."
"And Mum and Dad?"
"n.o.body can replace them, Mel. I love them, you know that. It"s just hard to come to terms with what they did. Or didn"t do."
Mel drew in a deep shuddery lungful of air. "G.o.d, I"m a mess," she said and laughed.
"You"re pregnant."
"I felt the baby kick this morning." Now her voice was animated. "It was sort of fluttery-like when your tummy rumbles."
"How exciting!"
"Joey? Should I ring Luke?
Chapter 12.
Sleep almost completely eluded Shay for the duration of the weekend. He crawled out of bed early on Monday, just after sunrise. Traffic would be rough the closer and later they got to Sydney, with everyone returning from the Easter break. They"d leave as soon as Joelle was ready.
No one else was up except Jedda, who greeted him cheerfully when he stepped out the back door. Shay stretched, dragging in gigantic lungfuls of fresh morning air to clear a head thick and muzzy from lack of sleep. The lids rasped against his eyes as he blinked in the increasing light.
"C"mon, boy."
He ambled down the drive towards the rising sun glimpsed through the peppercorn trees over the road, all pink and glowing on the horizon. With Jedda scampering about nose to dewy ground, Shay turned left away from the highway and the town toward open s.p.a.ce and the emptiness of the surrounding paddocks, the complete absence of chatter and family noise. His mind was full. His thoughts needed organising and filing. He had to fabricate a veneer of behaviour to enable him to survive the return journey. Not to mention the rest of his life.
A life in which he would be constantly fighting insane jealousy every time a man looked at Joelle. The way Marty did. And Wayne. And every other red blooded male in the pub on Friday. Then there was Ben, making no secret of how pretty he thought she was... he"d even been jealous when his father took her off to the see the spot where he"d found Emily all those years ago.
Shay sighed as he pounded along the gravel road. b.l.o.o.d.y ridiculous. He"d be crazy before long unless he did something. But what? What on earth could he do?
The visit had by all accounts been a success. Everyone loved Joelle just as he knew they would. How could anyone not love her? He did. Deeply and more irrevocably by the day. No, by the hour.
He was in love with his sister. That fact had been rammed painfully home to him in the pub by Wayne and Marty. Their interest in her was so blatant it was embarra.s.sing. It was all he could do not to thump Marty on the nose when he slung his arm so casually over Joelle"s shoulders. He didn"t even know her and there he was groping the girl. His girl.
Joelle hadn"t minded when Kylie made it glaringly obvious Shay was her target. Not that there was anything to be jealous about. He"d known Kylie since high school and if anything was going to happen between them it would have happened by now. She wasn"t his type but Kylie didn"t seem to grasp that basic fact and made a play every time he saw her. It was a bit of a joke now.
No. Joelle wasn"t consumed by jealousy because she wasn"t consumed by love. This was his problem alone. And it was a problem that had to be kept secret. How long would a doctor last if it were known he harboured incestuous feelings toward his sister? How long would a sweet innocent girl like Joelle want to be a.s.sociated with him?
Shay reached the corner where Bill Hammond had crashed into a gumtree one night going home from Stella Kirby"s fortieth birthday bash at the pub. He stopped to stare at the gigantic old tree. No sign of the impact at all. The giant would barely have registered the crash, while Bill"s Holden station wagon was a write off and Bill was on crutches for weeks with a broken leg and two cracked ribs. He still limped twelve years later.
Jedda c.o.c.ked his leg against the tree, displaying complete disrespect for its historical significance. Brilliant rays of sunlight slanted through the leaves, striking Shay in the eyes. He turned his back and gazed in the other direction. The land rose gently to the west. Bare brown paddocks with sheep standing about in drab cl.u.s.ters. They"d belong to the Wrights. Robbie Wright ran the property now. Number three son-Ben"s age. The Wrights senior had twelve children. Visiting them at mealtimes was like going to an army mess hall-all lined up and filing past the counter with plates held at the ready while Ma Wright dolloped out mashed potato, peas and stewed lamb.
This was where he belonged. Not in the city. Out here where he was needed. Olive had told him a position was vacant at the Medical Centre whenever he wanted it. The newest recruit, a young woman, was there under sufferance and would leap at the chance to swap positions with him. While Joelle was off with Stan, he"d called in to talk to her-Dr Cathy O"Brian.
If he produced a replacement for the Rozelle practice they"d have no complaints. Cathy would even take on his lease at the Glebe house. She"d looked at him as though all her Christmases had come at once. The chief doctor, Trevor Sawyer, was well acquainted with Shay, having been in Birrigai for ten years.
"Organise it and I"ve no complaints," he said.
Shay whistled Jedda. He"d pushed through the fence and was lolloping towards the sheep. He swung around and headed back towards Shay, who"d begun walking home. More slowly now he"d come to a decision. Moving to Birrigai would neatly solve the Joelle problem. She knew he wanted to return so there would be no questions to which he had no proper answers.
He"d miss her like crazy. She"d be disappointed at the separation but it was the only way for him to hold on to his sanity. Those phone calls at all hours were too much like lovers" calls he realised now. It hadn"t dawned on him at the time he was so caught up in the excitement of finding her but now he knew the excitement was predominantly the thrill of exploring a new love. He"d been suppressing the true nature of his feelings. It had to stop and he was the one who must apply brakes.
Nothing like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Some choice he had-go crazy with jealousy and longing or take his breaking, aching heart elsewhere and hope that time would smooth away the rough edges.
His mother was making breakfast when Shay opened the back door.
"Morning, love," she said. "You"re up early. Like some porridge?"
"Morning. I walked out to Wright"s fence. Where Bill hit the tree."
"He was lucky. He could"ve been killed. Silly sod."
"Is Joelle awake?" asked Shay. "I want to get on the road as soon as possible."
"I think so. I heard someone in the bathroom just now. Your father"s still snoring. Do you want porridge or not?" She stood holding the empty saucepan in one hand and the familiar red box of rolled oats in the other.
"Yes, please."
Shay plonked himself down at the table. His mother already had the tea made and places set. Shay poured milk into his cup and filled it to the brim with tea. He took a tentative sip at the steaming hot brew. He watched her measure rolled oats into the saucepan. She tossed in a pinch of salt, added water and set the pan on the stove. He"d made the wooden spoon she was using in Year Seven woodwork cla.s.s.
"I"m moving back here," said Shay. "I"ve decided."
"Are you? When?" The unadulterated delight on her face made Shay smile despite the ache in his heart.
"As soon as I"ve fixed the details with the practice. Cathy O"Brian is willing to do a straight swap. House and all."
"She lives in one of those new cottages," said Amy.
"She said."
"When did you decide this?"
"I"ve been thinking about it for a while, you knew that."
"Yes but to suddenly organise the whole thing like that without telling us." She stirred the porridge vigorously. "Why now, all of a sudden?"
Shay shrugged. "When I was out walking just now I suddenly couldn"t bear the thought of going back to the noise and dirt of the city. Trev said I was welcome any time; Cathy O"Brian really wants to leave. I hadn"t made up my mind but this morning..."
"Good," declared Amy firmly. "Good. I"m so glad, Shay." She took the milk jug from the table and poured milk into the porridge pan. She resumed stirring and said thoughtfully, "Does Joelle know yet? I wonder how she"ll take the news."
"Why?" Shay drank more tea nonchalantly. His mother"s back was turned; she wouldn"t notice his hand trembling.
"She"s in a mess, poor girl. About her parents, I mean. She might feel you"re deserting her just when she needs your support."
"Joelle knows I want her to go and talk to them. She"s the one who won"t bend." It came out far more viciously than he intended. "And she knows I want to move back here."
"She"s had an awful shock."
"It"s about time she got over it," he said deliberately trying a new callous att.i.tude. "It"s been weeks."
His mother didn"t reply. She turned the heat down under the porridge and added more milk.
"I"m surprised Cathy O"Brian wants to leave, she"s been seeing a lot of one of the science teachers from Tamworth High."
"She didn"t mention anything to me. Maybe it"s gone wrong."
"Maybe. Love can be a complicated business."
Joelle fought back hot tears when big Stan hugged her goodbye. They had a link no-one else could ever duplicate or destroy. The three of them: Shay, Stan and Joelle-forever connected by a chance encounter on a smoke-filled day from h.e.l.l. Stan had taken her to the spot he found Emily. He remembered it exactly, he said, because of the dead gum over the fence and the road sign opposite indicating a sharp bend.
Now it was unremarkable. An ordinary piece of dry gra.s.s covered verge in a stretch of equally ordinary roadside. Joelle and Stan had stood silently staring at the spot he indicated.
"Did you ever discover how she got here?" asked Joelle.
Stan shook his head. "Complete mystery. But there was such chaos at the time-lasted three or four days, the fires, and then there was the clean-up afterwards, people lost their homes, people died-one little girl just got lost in the muddle. And we had two live babies to care for whose grandparents didn"t want anything to do with them."
"You were wonderful to take in Shay," she said.
"We didn"t see it like that. We regarded him as a gift. Just as your parents did you," Stan reminded her gently. "Don"t sell them short, Joelle."
Joelle walked to the car and opened the door. She slid into the pa.s.senger seat while Stan got in beside her.
He started the engine and turned the car awkwardly in the narrow dirt road. When they were heading towards Birrigai again he said, "Go and see them, love. You can"t carry this hurt for much longer. It"ll eat you away inside. You"ll grow bitter and hateful and that"s not the real you."
"The truth is always the best way," she murmured cynically. Pity William and Natalie hadn"t seen it Stan"s way.
"Yes. I believe it is. It"s also often the hardest way. But you can"t blame your parents for what they did. They"re human like the rest of us. They"ll be gone one day and you don"t want to live out your life regretting the words you never said."
"Dad had cancer last year," Joelle said suddenly. "We were terrified we"d lose him."
"Is he all right now?"
"He"s in remission. I suppose it could return any time."
Stan sighed. "All the more reason to make it right with them."
"I suppose." If William had a relapse she"d be at his side in a heartbeat, she knew. Holding this grudge was beginning to seem pointless and childish. Stan had a knack of cutting straight to the heart of the matter. Life and death. Choosing to give love or choosing to withhold it.
"Promise me, you"ll give it some proper thought," he said. "I can"t make you forgive them but I know you"d never forgive yourself if something happened to your Dad before you got it sorted."
"I promise," said Joelle.
"Good girl."
That was all he said on the subject. And that was also why Joelle hugged him tight and struggled to hold in the tears as they stood in the driveway with the early morning sun shining in her eyes.
"Come back and see us soon," said Amy, hugging Joelle just as hard when it came to her turn.
"I will. Thank you...for everything."
"No need for thanks, love," said Stan. "You"re part of the family now. Drive safely, Shay. Don"t go speeding."
"I won"t, Dad."
Stan slammed Shay"s door and waved to Joelle through the window. He slung an arm around Amy"s shoulders. Jedda lolled against his legs.
"Safe trip," called Amy. Shay started the engine.
Joelle craned her neck and waved until the couple were lost from sight, obscured by the trees and shrubs of the front gardens. She sniffed and wiped her nose on a tissue.
Shay drove straight through the sleepy town. No-one was up at seven on Easter Monday.
"We should be back in Sydney by two," he said. He accelerated beyond the sixty kilometre per hour limit. Joelle glanced across at his face in profile. He was surly this morning, mouth set in a hard line, dark smudges under the eyes.
"Anything wrong?" she asked carefully. "If you like I can drive."
"I"m fine." Curt to the point of rudeness.
"You look tired that"s all."
"I"m fine."
The new cottages flashed by. Birrigai receded, open paddocks stretched to the horizon. The sun, still low-lying, shone bright in their faces as the road swung eastward. Joelle pulled out her sungla.s.ses and stuck them on her nose.
"Amy and Stan are wonderful," she said.
"I know."
"I like Lisa, I"d love to meet her family. And Ben"s. Amy said I should come back for Christmas. Can I come with you? You go home for Christmas, don"t you?"
"Yes, but I"ll already be in Birrigai next Christmas," said Shay without turning his head. Joelle frowned at the tone. Exasperated and bored-fed-up. Maybe he"d had too much of his new sister. An overdose.
She licked her lips, swallowed the rush of chagrin, the humiliation at being so oblivious to his true feelings while enjoying the warm embrace of his family and friends. She"d naively thought he was pleased at how well the visit had gone.
"Have you found a position?" she asked carefully after a few moments.
"I can do a complete swap with one of the doctors at the Medical Centre. House, job and all."
The blank stare of his sungla.s.ses flicked her way briefly then returned to the road ahead.
"Oh." Joelle"s stomach plummeted. "When?"