"That I will never do," said the man in black; "no one in England knows it but myself, and I will not declare it, even in a dingle; as for the rest, _Sono un Prete Cattolico Appostolico_--that is all that many a one of us can say for himself, and it a.s.suredly means a great deal."
"We will now proceed to business," said I. "You must be aware that we English are generally considered a self-interested people."
"And with considerable justice," said the man in black, drinking. "Well, you are a person of acute perception, and I will presently make it evident to you that it would be to your interest to join with us. You are at present, evidently, in very needy circ.u.mstances, and are lost, not only to yourself, but to the world; but should you enlist with us, I could find you an occupation not only agreeable, but one in which your talents would have free scope. I would introduce you in the various grand houses here in England, to which I have myself admission, as a surprising young gentleman of infinite learning, who by dint of study has discovered that the Roman is the only true faith. I tell you confidently that our popish females would make a saint, nay, a G.o.d of you; they are fools enough for anything. There is one person in particular with whom I would wish to make you acquainted, in the hope that you would be able to help me to perform good service to the holy see. He is a gouty old fellow, of some learning, residing in an old hall, near the great western seaport, and is one of the very few amongst the English Catholics possessing a grain of sense. I think you could help us to govern him, for he is not unfrequently disposed to be restive, asks us strange questions--occasionally threatens us with his crutch; and behaves so that we are often afraid that we shall lose him, or, rather, his property, which he has bequeathed to us, and which is enormous. I am sure that you could help us to deal with him; sometimes with your humour, sometimes with your learning, and perhaps occasionally with your fists."
"And in what manner would you provide for my companion?" said I.
"We would place her at once," said the man in black, "in the house of two highly respectable Catholic ladies in this neighbourhood, where she would be treated with every care and consideration till her conversion should be accomplished in a regular manner; we would then remove her to a female monastic establishment, where, after undergoing a year"s probation, during which time she would be instructed in every elegant accomplishment, she should take the veil. Her advancement would speedily follow, for, with such a face and figure, she would make a capital lady abbess, especially in Italy, to which country she would probably be sent; ladies of her hair and complexion--to say nothing of her height--being a curiosity in the south. With a little care and management she could soon obtain a vast reputation for sanct.i.ty; and who knows but after her death she might become a glorified saint--he! he! Sister Maria Theresa, for that is the name I propose you should bear. Holy Mother Maria Theresa--glorified and celestial saint, I have the honour of drinking to your health," and the man in black drank.
"Well, Belle," said I, "what have you to say to the gentleman"s proposal?"
"That if he goes on in this way I will break his gla.s.s against his mouth."
"You have heard the lady"s answer," said I.
"I have," said the man in black, "and shall not press the matter. I can"t help, however, repeating that she would make a capital lady abbess; she would keep the nuns in order, I warrant her; no easy matter! Break the gla.s.s against my mouth--he! he! How she would send the holy utensils flying at the nuns" heads occasionally, and just the person to wring the nose of Satan, should he venture to appear one night in her cell in the shape of a handsome black man. No offence, madam, no offence, pray retain your seat," said he, observing that Belle had started up; "I mean no offence. Well, if you will not consent to be an abbess, perhaps you will consent to follow this young Zingaro, and to co-operate with him and us. I am a priest, madam, and can join you both in an instant, _connubio stabili_, as I suppose the knot has not been tied already."
"Hold your mumping gibberish," said Belle, "and leave the dingle this moment, for though "tis free to every one, you have no right to insult me in it."
"Pray be pacified," said I to Belle, getting up, and placing myself between her and the man in black, "he will presently leave, take my word for it--there, sit down again," said I, as I led her to her seat; then, resuming my own, I said to the man in black: "I advise you to leave the dingle as soon as possible."
"I should wish to have your answer to my proposal first," said he.
"Well, then, here you shall have it: I will not entertain your proposal; I detest your schemes: they are both wicked and foolish."
"Wicked," said the man in black, "have they not--he! he!--the furtherance of religion in view?"
"A religion," said I, "in which you yourself do not believe, and which you contemn."
"Whether I believe in it or not," said the man in black, "it is adapted for the generality of the human race; so I will forward it, and advise you to do the same. It was nearly extirpated in these regions, but it is springing up again, owing to circ.u.mstances. Radicalism is a good friend to us; all the liberals laud up our system out of hatred to the Established Church, though our system is ten times less liberal than the Church of England. Some of them have really come over to us. I myself confess a baronet who presided over the first radical meeting ever held in England--he was an atheist when he came over to us, in the hope of mortifying his own church--but he is now--ho! ho!--a real Catholic devotee--quite afraid of my threats; I make him frequently scourge himself before me. Well, Radicalism does us good service, especially amongst the lower cla.s.ses, for Radicalism chiefly flourishes amongst them; for though a baronet or two may be found amongst the radicals, and perhaps as many lords--fellows who have been discarded by their own order for clownishness, or something they have done--it incontestably flourishes best among the lower orders. Then the love of what is foreign is a great friend to us; this love is chiefly confined to the middle and upper cla.s.ses. Some admire the French, and imitate them; others must needs be Spaniards, dress themselves up in a zamarra, stick a cigar in their mouth, and say, "Carajo." Others would pa.s.s for Germans; he! he!
the idea of any one wishing to pa.s.s for a German! but what has done us more service than anything else in these regions--I mean amidst the middle cla.s.ses--has been the novel, the Scotch novel. The good folks, since they have read the novels, have become Jacobites; and, because all the Jacobs were Papists, the good folks must become Papists also, or, at least, papistically inclined. The very Scotch Presbyterians, since they have read the novels, are become all but Papists; I speak advisedly, having lately been amongst them. There"s a trumpery bit of a half papist sect, called the Scotch Episcopalian Church, which lay dormant and nearly forgotten for upwards of a hundred years, which has of late got wonderfully into fashion in Scotland, because, forsooth, some of the long- haired gentry of the novels were said to belong to it, such as Montrose and Dundee; and to this the Presbyterians are going over in throngs, traducing and vilifying their own forefathers, or denying them altogether, and calling themselves descendants of--ho! ho! ho!--Scottish Cavaliers!!! I have heard them myself repeating s.n.a.t.c.hes of Jacobite ditties about "Bonnie Dundee," and--
""Come, fill up my cup, and fill up my can, And saddle my horse, and call up my man."
There"s stuff for you! Not that I object to the first part of the ditty.
It is natural enough that a Scotchman should cry, "Come, fill up my cup!"
more especially if he"s drinking at another person"s expense--all Scotchmen being fond of liquor at free cost: but "Saddle his horse!!!"--for what purpose, I would ask? Where is the use of saddling a horse, unless you can ride him? and where was there ever a Scotchman who could ride?"
"Of course you have not a drop of Scotch blood in your veins," said I, "otherwise you would never have uttered that last sentence."
"Don"t be too sure of that," said the man in black; "you know little of Popery if you imagine that it cannot extinguish love of country, even in a Scotchman. A thorough-going Papist--and who more thorough-going than myself?--cares nothing for his country; and why should he? he belongs to a system, and not to a country."
"One thing," said I, "connected with you, I cannot understand; you call yourself a thorough-going Papist, yet are continually saying the most pungent things against Popery, and turning to unbounded ridicule those who show any inclination to embrace it."
"Rome is a very sensible old body," said the man in black, "and little cares what her children say, provided they do her bidding. She knows several things, and amongst others, that no servants work so hard and faithfully as those who curse their masters at every stroke they do. She was not fool enough to be angry with the Miquelets of Alba, who renounced her, and called her "puta" all the time they were cutting the throats of the Netherlanders. Now, if she allowed her faithful soldiers the lat.i.tude of renouncing her, and calling her "puta" in the market-place, think not she is so unreasonable as to object to her faithful priests occasionally calling her "puta" in the dingle."
"But," said I, "suppose some one were to tell the world some of the disorderly things which her priests say in the dingle?"
"He would have the fate of Ca.s.sandra," said the man in black; "no one would believe him--yes, the priests would: but they would make no sign of belief. They believe in the Alcoran des Cordeliers--that is, those who have read it; but they make no sign."
"A pretty system," said I, "which extinguishes love of country and of everything n.o.ble, and brings the minds of its ministers to a parity with those of devils, who delight in nothing but mischief."
"The system," said the man in black, "is a grand one, with unbounded vitality. Compare it with your Protestantism, and you will see the difference. Popery is ever at work, whilst Protestantism is supine. A pretty church, indeed, the Protestant! Why, it can"t even work a miracle."
"Can your church work miracles?" I demanded.
"That was the very question," said the man in black, "which the ancient British clergy asked of Austin Monk, after they had been fools enough to acknowledge their own inability. "We don"t pretend to work miracles; do you?" "Oh! dear me, yes," said Austin; "we find no difficulty in the matter. We can raise the dead, we can make the blind see; and to convince you, I will give sight to the blind. Here is this blind Saxon, whom you cannot cure, but on whose eyes I will manifest my power, in order to show the difference between the true and the false church;" and forthwith, with the a.s.sistance of a handkerchief and a little hot water, he opened the eyes of the barbarian. So we manage matters! A pretty church, that old British church, which could not work miracles--quite as helpless as the modern one. The fools! was birdlime so scarce a thing amongst them?--and were the properties of warm water so unknown to them, that they could not close a pair of eyes and open them?"
"It"s a pity," said I, "that the British clergy at that interview with Austin, did not bring forward a blind Welshman, and ask the monk to operate upon him."
"Clearly," said the man in black; "that"s what they ought to have done; but they were fools without a single resource." Here he took a sip at his gla.s.s.
"But they did not believe in the miracle?" said I.
"And what did their not believing avail them?" said the man in black.
"Austin remained master of the field, and they went away holding their heads down, and muttering to themselves. What a fine subject for a painting would be Austin"s opening the eyes of the Saxon barbarian, and the discomfiture of the British clergy! I wonder it has not been painted!--he! he!"
"I suppose your church still performs miracles occasionally!" said I.
"It does," said the man in black. "The Rev. --- has lately been performing miracles in Ireland, destroying devils that had got possession of people; he has been eminently successful. In two instances he not only destroyed the devils, but the lives of the people possessed--he! he!
Oh! there is so much energy in our system; we are always at work, whilst Protestantism is supine."
"You must not imagine," said I, "that all Protestants are supine; some of them appear to be filled with unbounded zeal. They deal, it is true, not in lying miracles, but they propagate G.o.d"s Word. I remember only a few months ago, having occasion for a Bible, going to an establishment, the object of which was to send Bibles all over the world. The supporters of that establishment could have no self-interested views; for I was supplied by them with a n.o.ble-sized Bible at a price so small as to preclude the idea that it could bring any profit to the vendors."
The countenance of the man in black slightly fell. "I know the people to whom you allude," said he; "indeed, unknown to them, I have frequently been to see them, and observed their ways. I tell you frankly that there is not a set of people in this kingdom who have caused our church so much trouble and uneasiness. I should rather say that they alone cause us any; for as for the rest, what with their drowsiness, their plethora, their folly and their vanity, they are doing us anything but mischief.
These fellows are a pestilent set of heretics, whom we would gladly see burnt; they are, with the most untiring perseverance, and in spite of divers minatory declarations of the holy father, scattering their books abroad through all Europe, and have caused many people in Catholic countries to think that hitherto their priesthood have endeavoured, as much as possible, to keep them blinded. There is one fellow amongst them for whom we entertain a particular aversion; a big, burly parson, with the face of a lion, the voice of a buffalo, and a fist like a sledge-hammer. The last time I was there, I observed that his eye was upon me, and I did not like the glance he gave me at all; I observed him clench his fist, and I took my departure as fast as I conveniently could.
Whether he suspected who I was, I know not; but I did not like his look at all, and do not intend to go again."
"Well, then," said I, "you confess that you have redoubtable enemies to your plans in these regions, and that even amongst the ecclesiastics there are some widely different from those of the plethoric and Plat.i.tude schools?"
"It is but too true," said the man in black; "and if the rest of your church were like them we should quickly bid adieu to all hope of converting these regions, but we are thankful to be able to say that such folks are not numerous; there are, moreover, causes at work quite sufficient to undermine even their zeal. Their sons return at the vacations, from Oxford and Cambridge, puppies, full of the nonsense which they have imbibed from Plat.i.tude professors; and this nonsense they retail at home, where it fails not to make some impression, whilst the daughters scream--I beg their pardons--warble about Scotland"s Montrose, and Bonny Dundee, and all the Jacobs; so we have no doubt that their papas" zeal about the propagation of such a vulgar book as the Bible will in a very little time be terribly diminished. Old Rome will win, so you had better join her."
And the man in black drained the last drop in his gla.s.s.
"Never," said I, "will I become the slave of Rome."
"She will allow you lat.i.tude," said the man in black; "do but serve her, and she will allow you to call her "puta" at a decent time and place, her popes occasionally call her "puta." A pope has been known to start from his bed at midnight and rush out into the corridor, and call out "puta"
three times in a voice which pierced the Vatican; that pope was--"
"Alexander the Sixth, I dare say," said I; "the greatest monster that ever existed, though the worthiest head which the pope system ever had--so his conscience was not always still. I thought it had been seared with a brand of iron."
"I did not allude to him, but to a much more modern pope," said the man in black; "it is true he brought the word, which is Spanish, from Spain, his native country, to Rome. He was very fond of calling the church by that name, and other popes have taken it up. She will allow you to call her by it, if you belong to her."
"I shall call her so," said I, "without belonging to her, or asking her permission."
"She will allow you to treat her as such, if you belong to her," said the man in black; "there is a chapel in Rome, where there is a wondrously fair statue--the son of a cardinal--I mean his nephew--once--Well, she did not cut off his head, but slightly boxed his cheek and bade him go."
"I have read all about that in "Keysler"s Travels,"" said I; "do you tell her that I would not touch her with a pair of tongs, unless to seize her nose."