The Rowan

Did you really send me all the way to Demos, Afra? She felt totally spineless and couldn"t move a hand to blot the perspiration on her face.

I certainly did, and you suffered no significant trauma according to the monitors in the sh.e.l.l. Just stop thinking about Siglen.

afra did not have to sound quite so smug, she thought deep inside her head. He had royally fooled her, that treacherous T-4.

"What"s the Rowan"s capsule doing out here?" Ray Loftus yelled and he had flipped up the canopy before he noticed her lying inside. "Hey - whaaaaat?" He stared down at her, his face gone white. "Are you all RIGHT, Rowan?" He didn"t appear to know what to do, waving one hand impotently.

"Stop dithering and give me your hand," the Rowan said. "I"ve been to Demos and back - for my sins!" Ray willingly a.s.sisted her out of the capsule and, then almost too solicitously for she was drained by the experience, supported her up to the Tower building. His incredulity and several odd, unsortable fleeting emotions were inescapably projected to her through the physical contact. But she also caught pride and relief.

afra palmed open the door, took her hand and, with a brief kinetic surge, renewed her energy. Before she could read him, he had his shield up again.

You don"t need to treat this as so commonplace an occurrence, you know, she added, piqued.

Why not? It should be! Yaw! He sidled away from the pinch she gave him.

Now, if fun and games are over for this morning, can I please review the day"s schedule? came the acid tone of Reidinger. There are a few alterations.

That night as the Rowan lay in her double lonely bed, she reviewed that lift. She had felt nothing: not even that spinning - once she"d shut her mind away from the notion - that had consumed her on the "portation from altair to Callisto. But, in the light of present knowledge, was it any wonder she responded as she had during her first s.p.a.ce voyage? Hadn"t Siglen wept and moaned and wrung her hands and carried on as if she was sending the Rowan to her death? And all those preventive shots and medicines which, since her middle ear was not impaired at all, had probably produced the nausea, the spinning and disorientation because she hadn"t needed them. Siglen had done one fine job of preconditioning her to react exactly as she had.

She"d get Afra to take her back to Demos tomorrow and this time she"d look at it - and around her. There was absolutely no physiological or psychological reason why she should be affected by s.p.a.ce travel.

No, there"s not. Keep telling yourself that, honey. Keep saying it until you believe it with all your heart and mind, Jeff"s voice said, gently inserted into her mind.

Oh, your touch is so fragile. . . She worried that the tasks set him were too much for his so recently acquired abilities.

No, not at all, he replied, deepening his tone. I didn"t want to startle you.

Don"t try to deceive me, Jeff Raven. I know you"re exhausted.

You shouldn"t even be trying to contact me in that state Aren"t you glad I have? [His mental smirk was accompanied by a very delicate caress.] Wherever you are, no matter how tired I am, I shall always reach out to you.

Though and now his tone altered suggestively, it doesn"t help when I am trying to get some rest. Sleep well, love.

She sent a light kiss for his cheek, laughing as she did so and tried to calm his mind to the sleep pattern.

Granny! I can do that for myself!

Tired as she was, she was not quite ready for sleep yet herself.

So often she used sleep as a method of interrupting negative mental patterns, of unproductive and circular thinking. Sometimes she could gain an insight into a problem by going over and over it again then wake the next morning with the solution.

Tonight Purza appeared, not the remains that Moria had vandalized, but the comfort creature that had been her mainstay. The Rowan paused, thinking back to those last days of her childhood, of all the conversations she carried on with Purza, of the silly things they"d discuss. . . They?

The Rowan caught herself up. She had believed, for many years, that Purza was sentient, despite the unalterable fact that the Rowan knew the pukha was NOT. She had imbued many qualities and characteristics into the comfort . . . toy, say it, Rowan, toy! . .

. No, not a toy.

Device! Monitor! Surrogate! The pukha had certainly been the receptacle of more confidences than any human being, even of matters she never could have discussed with Lusena. Yet the Rowan distinctly remembered Purza advising her against things which she, the Rowan, had particularly wanted to do. How could the pukha have such discretion?

The loss still rankled in the Rowan"s mind and heart.

She had succ.u.mbed to a deep melancholia which Lusena had been unable to lift despite metamorphic treatment.

Siglen had been irritated, having realized l.u.s.t how much she was beginning to rely on her apprentice, but she was far more fearful of contracting even the merest sniffle.

Then Gerolaman had acquired the barquecat. And that ungrateful scamp whom the Rowan had counted on as a companion in her Callisto quarters had refused to leave the tibooti pa.s.senger vessel, to the intense delight of the crew.

She"d had to let him stay, more angered than dismayed by his defection.

"When I was a child, I played with childish things!" That phrase, which had been well dinned into her head during that painful readjustment time, now came to mind.

The Rowan tossed restlessly in her bed, hating the phrase, and all the memories it evoked.

Why would Purza come to mind now, tonight? Except that Jeff had queried the memory. Jeff was more than a subst.i.tute for a surrogate .

. . except that he couldn"t even do his courting of her in person!

Why Purza? Why not Rascal? She had truly outgrown the need for the comfort surrogate! Or had she?

Puzzling through that, the Rowan fell asleep. In the morning, searching her waking thoughts for an answer, she found none. Instead she had an overpowering urge to seek Jeff. And resisted. She had set an additional clock to Denebian time and he would be hard at work. She had overslept her usual waking hour but Jupiter did not clear Callisto for three hours.

Listlessly she rose to face the day"s routine. She and Jeff might have their lifetimes to get to know each other, but she"d rather start in earnest. d.a.m.n Reidinger! How could he! She"d like to tell him a thIng or two!

In person.

Watch out! she heard Afra warn the Station staff. She wasn"t sure if she was annoyed or amused that caution was given. She palmed open the door into the Tower and let it whoosh shut behind her as she observed the wary expressions.

I don"t think you"re ready for a jaunt to Earth yet, Afra said.

"Good morning, Rowan. We"ve got some pretty heavy stuff to shift." She glared at the Capellan, knowing he was right. And yet, if she didn"t take the plunge, when would she? Why shouldn"t she - if she was only reacting to a conditioning?

But his caution, and his obvious concern, deflated her impetus.

She was not all that sure of her reconditioning not just after one swing to Demos. Her glare was the signal for everyone to become intensely interested in lists or keyboards or any task that took them out of her immediate vicinity.

"Now listen up, you lot. There"s two hours and fifty minutes before Callisto clears Jupiter. You all know how to set up the day"s shifts without Afra and me. Afra," and she intensified her glare, "I want to go back to Demos again. Now!" "As you wish, he said in an unexpected capitulation.

She caught a very suspicious glint in his yellow eyes before he turned his head away. And his shields were up tight as air-lock seals.

She decided to ignore him and marched back out of the Tower and down to the launch.

This time, though she strained her eyes wide to catch any motion, Afra"s lift was so smooth that she had the bulk of Demos before her eyes again. This time she did look about her, and if her breathing quickened, she initiated control and steadied herself. The view was rather spectacular.

Is Earth visible from his position? she asked Afra. She caught her breath again as her capsule altered direction.

Cut in the visual magnification. Second position on your right fingerboard, Afra told her.

Four taps and the cloud-swirled marble of Mankind"s world became clearly visible. Its moon hung like a milky pebble, fully lit by the distant sun. Awesome to think that the insignificant speck in the vast s.p.a.ce-black panorama had sp.a.w.ned those now inhabiting the planets of far distant suns.

Suddenly she became very conscious of the blackness around her: too much dark and she was confined in a very small s.p.a.ce . . . And she didn"t even have Purza for comfort!

Easy, Rowan! And abruptly she was back in the launch site on Callisto, Afra unsealing the lid of her personnel carrier, his yellow skin sallow with anxiety.

Shaking, she held her arms out to him. He lifted her out of the capsule and ran with her back into the Tower, yelling vocally and mentally for a stimulant.

Blackness! Why blackness, Afra? I was all right, truly all right, until I thought of the blackness -- And claustrophobia, Afra added. He took the gla.s.s Ray offered and held it to her lips. She was shaking too much to hold it herself.

ROWAN! Jeff"s anxious shout made her wince.

I"m all right, Jeff I"m all right.

Blackness. Why are you reacting to blackness, Rowan?

Why do I see the pukha in your mind?

I don"t know, Jeff I don"t know. I"m all right. Afra"s determined to get me drunk early today! She tried to lighten up her mind tone: she didn"t want to upset him because she"d experienced a moment"s silly panic.

Scared me half to death, you did! Jeff went on and she was as aware of the pounding of his heart as her own.

Jeff, she"s all right, Afra said, initiating metamorphic ma.s.sage to reduce her tension.

"It wasn"t s.p.a.ce. It was the blackness. The awful blackness."

d.a.m.n it! I"ve had just about enough of this! Jeff Raven said, his tone incandescent with fury.

DENEB! and Reidinger"s roar made even the Rowan"s skull vibrate.

afra rolled his eyes in intense mental pain, clutching at his head.

Primes don"t have privileges! She"s only shaken. And there"ll be no more of these experiments, Rowan. YOU HEAR ME?

Even I can hear you, said David of Betelgeuse sourly.

I think you"re being extremely selfish, Reidinger, came from Capella.

I told you this could be fatal, was Siglen"s moan.

Leave me alone! the Rowan said, furious at being the center of so much unnecessary attention. Go away and get back to business.

Reidinger"s made his point!

Jeff"s parting phantom caress did not make it any easier for the Rowan to ascend to the Tower, and her couch, and try to focus her thoughts on the day"s business. A steaming cup of java appeared and she reached for it gratefully Deep inside her something was frozen, some black.

something odorous? A whiff that she couldn"t ident.i.ty - a reek that was connected with the frightening blackness.

Not today"s darkness, a smelly, clanging, revolving darkness.

That was what had set off her panic - revolving around to see Earth .

. . Just as the bucking Miraki had panicked her with Turian sailing up the Straits that time.

But it had been a "spinning" motion that had triggered her on the Jibooti on her first s.p.a.ce voyage.

Cargo coming in, Afra said, bringing her back to her responsibilities.

Once again Callisto Tower staff moved with dull efficiency through the day"s tasks, with none of the livening humor or even bad temper that signalized an off day for the Rowan.

Callisto was s.p.a.ce-side of Jupiter and receiving the last of the in-bound receipts, which would be downshipped once the Moon was again Earth-side, when an emergency signal for live cargo lit up the board.

Live one coming in, Rowan, Brian Ackerman warned her in his capacity of Stationmaster. She"d lost her deft touch in the late afternoon, unusual enough for her, but as the packets were not marked fragile, he hadn"t remonstrated.

Now what? she demanded but she retrieved the capsule with more care.

Some Fleet nerd to judge by the ID - then broke off.

At first the Rowan did not notice the silence from her staff. It was day"s end and, with that tardy capsule, the generators were growling down to rest. She was making a neater pile of deliveries and transshipment copies when she heard someone taking the Tower steps two at a time.

"Tut tut, I didn"t think I could really put this over on you so easily!" And it was Jeff Raven who swung the door wide, his blue eyes brilliant with teasing - and his love. "I don"t think you"ve missed me at all!" The Rowan didn"t bother to answer his jibe. She grabbed his hand and launched them into her quarters, into her bedroom, out of their clothing, proving in every way possible just how much she had missed him and exactly what she had missed the most of him.

Brian began and At several points during that magical night, they had time to exchange words rather than emotional extravagances.

"I"ve a new nephew, you see," he said, cuddling her against him, her head on his shoulder, her body edged as closely to his as was possible, her legs entwined about one of his. With one ear on his chest, she could hear his voice rumbling up from his diaphragm. "And I was congratulating Mother when she reminded me that a day of rest from hard labor has long been ordained. So, with the impetuosity for which I am known on Deneb, I tagged an a.s.sortment of reliable people to hold the planet secure for at least one day, and came back for what I"ve been aching for!" "I shall bless your mother forever!" "She"s mighty curious about you, I will say. I have informed her that holograms do not do you justice." "Does she have any Talent?" "Oh, ma.s.ses, but she"s never trained much, so sometimes her use of what she has can be quite devastating," and Jeff"s chuckle began where her left hand rested on his flat belly. There wasn"t, the Rowan realized, a spare ounce of flesh on him anywhere. He was much too thin. Eating"s the last thing on my mind, love! "I don"t think she has enough range for Callis...o...b..t, if she put her mind to it, she could blast a message to us anywhere in the City and down on the farm." His chuckle turned rueful.

"Could never put anything over on our Mom." "I never knew my mother!" Jeff"s arms pressed her lovingly. "I know, pet. I know.

He shifted suddenly, raising up on one elbow, breaking the physical closeness that the Rowan was reveling in.

"Why is that Purza on your mind again? I know the function of a pukha, but it"s no surrogate mother!" "You"re digging deep." "No," and Jeff frowned slightly, soothing her hair back from her face and gathering up a handful from the pillow, fascinated by its paleness in the dim tight of the room. "I"m not. Not half as deep as I intend to dig. And speaking of digging, or delving . . And that ended that conversation though the Rowan was fleetingly aware as Jeff stroked her body with deft erotic caresses that the interruption was deliberate.

She was soon too involved on too many levels of exquisite lovemaking to complain. Jeff was incredible and kept urging her on to new delights.

When at last they moved apart an inch or so, Jeff"s stomach emitted a rolling growl which the Rowan"s answered.

"By G.o.d, we"ve even got compatible digestions.

"And you need feeding up. Does no-one take care of you on Deneb?"

she demanded, half her attention on manipulating food items from freezer to heating chamber.

"Got any Terran beef steak up here?" he asked, following her efforts. "We lost most of our food animals in the bombardments and we can"t really plant until we clear the fields of metal objects. I don"t care how nutritious the processed stuff is supposed to be, it tastes b.l.o.o.d.y awful.

Oh," and he inhaled the aroma of grilling meat that wafted into the bedroom, "and never smells right. What a talented woman I"ve found!" And he expressed his appreciation in the most delightful way.

"Jeff! The meat"ll burn!" "Oh, a little charcoal does you no harm! Got to eat a peck of dirt, you know . "JEFF! That"s the only decent steak I have right now!" "Oh, in that case . . ." and he desisted.

After they had ravenously consumed a huge meal - with the Rowan going back again and again to her larder to supply them with the high-protein substances they both needed to fuel their ardor - they made love again. They slept so soundly that neither heard Afra"s discreet knocking, nor the ringing of the comsystem.

I do beg your pardons! afra inserted the phrase politely in each mind, repeating it with more mental force until the Rowan roused.