"I"ve had time enough to think about it," Lucy answered softly. "Either I will miss Martin desperately and try to get him back, or I might discover that he"s just a part of the life I once had, and there is no place for him in the life I mean to make. Either way, I"ll know soon enough." From somewhere deep inside, Lucy realised, she had found a strength she never knew she had.
She felt suddenly rebellious. "Come to think of it, why should I change anyway? This is who I am. What you see is what you get, and if it isn"t enough for Martin, then let him have his fancy piece, and good luck to them both."
"You don"t really mean that, do you, Lucy?" Kathleen was surprised. She thought Lucy would have done almost anything to get back the man she loved.
"Having a new dress, fancy hairdo and bold make-up would have been a real experience, and thank you for suggesting it," Lucy answered, "but I won"t do it ... not for a man who has no need of me any more."
"I think the wine"s gone to your head," Kathleen remarked, "but you"re right. Men, eh? Sod the lot of "em!" She replenished their gla.s.ses, and again the two of them toasted their independence.
"So, where might you be off to?" Kathleen was curious.
"I"m not sure. I"m not an experienced traveller. I thought of sticking a pin in the map and heading wherever it pointed, but then I realised that would be plain foolish. So I"ve decided to just go down to the station and see where the trains are going. I might head for the coast. That way I"ve got more chance of finding temporary work, if I decide to stay. I just need enough money to carry me through until I find a well-paid regular job." She sheepishly admitted, "I hadn"t really made any detailed plans. At first, it was just about getting right away from here."
She sank back into the chair. "That"s me all over," she went on. "Full of ideas, but no proper plan. When Paula wants something, she just goes out and does it. Unlike me, the pitiful ditherer."
"You"ve got to stop putting yourself down, Lucy. You should give yourself credit." Rather than reprimand her, Kathleen gently reminded her, "You"ve had two crippling blows lately. Just one of them would be enough to floor some people, but not you! You"ve stood strong throughout. As always, you"ve been there for the family, and in spite of what Martin and Paula have done to you, you"ve taken it all on the chin. You haven"t buckled under, nor have you given them the satisfaction of knowing how deeply they"ve hurt you. Instead, you"ve made the very difficult decision of moving away to rebuild a broken life. Tell me this, Lucy Lovejoy, how many other women including your sister would have the strength and resolve to do that?"
Lucy had no answer. But suddenly she felt proud, and with the pride, and too much wine, came the tears. "Thank you. Somehow you make me feel strong. You really are my bestest friend."
Kathleen raised her gla.s.s in another toast. "To you, dear Lucy. And I am very proud to be your "bestest" friend."
The two of them almost leaped out of their skins when the telephone rang. "Jeeze!" Scrambling out of the chair, Katheen hobbled to the hallway, where she picked up the telephone. "Who is it?" A pause, then, "Oh, Anne. Hang on a minute, I"ll get her." She hurried back into the sitting room. "It"s Anne. She"s worried that you didn"t call her."
"Oh, crikey!" Getting out of the chair, Lucy instinctively sc.r.a.ped her hands over her hair and nervously patted her clothes down.
When she picked up the telephone, Anne immediately asked, "Mum! Are you all right? It sounds to me like you"ve got a cold coming on."
Lucy pounced on that idea. "You might be right," she said, giving another little cough. "I"ll be all right, though. Kathleen"s made a kind of toddy for me ... hot water and red wine ... it seems to be doing the trick."
Anne laughed. "Is it now? Well, just make sure you don"t drink too much of it, or you might keel over. You know you"re not used to wine."
"I do know that, and I am being careful."
Smiling to herself at the other end of the line, Anne changed the subject. "I"m calling you because you didn"t call me, so now I know why, don"t I?"
"Do you?"
"Yes, and I"m glad that Kathleen is looking after you ... even if she is plying you with booze."
"Hey! Behave yourself. I can look after myself, thank you."
"I know you can. Anyway, how long do you plan to stay there? I"ve already said you can come here and stay with me for as long as you like."
"I know that, sweetheart, and it"s a lovely idea, but not just now, eh? I really do need some time away."
"Dad"s missing you. Why didn"t you tell him where you were going? He came round here, looking for you. He was worried."
Lucy had to think quickly. "Oh! Sorry ... I thought I told him, sweetheart, but you know what he"s like. All he can think of is football, work and darts. Most of the time, he turns a deaf ear."
"To tell you the truth, I thought he was upset. I reckon you two have had a row, haven"t you?"
"No! Well, not exactly a row, but we did have words ... about something and nothing."
"What does that mean?"
"Exactly what it says. I can"t remember, it was so trivial. I"m sure you and Les have words and then later, you can"t even recall what it was all about."
"But Dad"s really missing you, Mum. He seemed on edge to me."
"Did you tell him where I was?"
"Yes. You didn"t say not to, did you? He was just a bit worried about you. Are you cross with me? Was I supposed to keep it a secret?"
"No! Of course not. Stop fretting. I"ll call him."
"All right, Mum, but if you need to get away from everything, just tell him that. Tell him you need some quiet time to yourself. I"m sure he"ll understand. Besides, it"ll do him good to look after himself for a few days ... or however long it takes. I"m more worried about you, though. We all know how devastated you are by losing Grandma and Granddad. But you never show it. You never think about yourself. You"re always too busy looking after everybody else. So now, like I say, you need some quiet time. Kathleen is a really good friend she"ll help you come to terms with everything, I know she will. And remember, if you need any one of us, all you have to do is call."
"Thank you, sweetheart."
"Love you, Mum."
"Love you too. Give Luke a big hug for me, and if Sam rings you don"t worry him. All he needs to know is that I"m staying with Kathleen for a while, and that everything is fine. Just tell him that, will you?"
"I will."
Just then the baby started crying. "Got to go, Mum ... "bye."
After Anne had gone, Lucy stood a moment, absent-mindedly tapping the end of the receiver on her lips. Her head was spinning with all manner of thoughts. Something Anne had said had her wondering. Why had Martin not told Anne about Paula, and what the two of them had been up to? And why had he gone round there in the first place? Looking for her, Anne said. So, did that mean he had decided he"d rather have her back than be with Paula?
Mmm! It"s very strange that he should go looking for me; unless he was worried that I had told Anne what he and her aunt Paula had been up to, Lucy thought.
She smiled wickedly. "I don"t suppose he was looking for me at all. In fact, he probably doesn"t give a monkey"s where I am! He just went round to make sure Anne knew nothing of what was going on. All he cares about is covering his own back. Well, it"s too late now, Martin, she decided, carefully replacing the receiver. You made your choice, and now you must live with it. Oh, but I would love to know what"s happened. Has she dumped you? Is that it? Yeah ... Paula"s dumped you and now, in your arrogance, you think I"ll come running, don"t you? Well, you can go to h.e.l.l. It might surprise you, but I am not in the market for Paula"s cast-offs. You"ve made your bed and you must lie on it!
After a moment of reflection, she returned to the sitting room, trying very hard not to smile.
"Everything all right, is it?" Obviously, Kathleen had caught the gist of Lucy"s conversation with her daughter.
"That was Anne, checking up on me."
"Well, that"s good, isn"t it?"
"I told her I was staying with you, that I wanted some time away. Anne said she fully understands and that I should take as long as I need."
"Anne is a very sensible young woman. She obviously has your best interests at heart."
Lucy explained the phone call. "She said her dad came round, and that he wanted to know where I was."
"Hmm!" Kathleen had the same thought as Lucy. "That was very thoughtful of him!" she quipped sarcastically. "What"s happened there? Paula got fed up with him, has she?" Her comment came straight from the warm wine. "Sent him packing, has she? Huh! If you ask me, the pair of "em want a kick up the a.r.s.e!"
"Hey!" Lucy laughed out loud. "I"ve never heard you swear like that before!"
"Well, then, you don"t know me as well as I thought you did!" Kathleen laughed. "When it warrants it, I can curse like the best of "em. And I reckon them two warrant it now. I just hope they get their comeuppance for hurting you the way they did."
"Anne told him I was here," Lucy said.
"Did she now? Well, that"s all right, because if he comes round here, he"ll have me to deal with, I can tell you that!"
"Oh, you needn"t worry yourself, because Anne will make sure he gives me the time and s.p.a.ce I need. Bless her, she thinks I"m here with you because of losing Mum and Dad. Thankfully, she doesn"t know the whole truth."
"Well, now you can relax," Kathleen suggested. "Put him out of your mind. What you need is to concentrate on what you might do next. You say you"re off to a new life, but how can you manage it? I mean, you won"t borrow money from me, and you don"t even know where you"re going ... But, look, I"ve got a little idea. So, d"you want to hear it or not?"
"Yes, go on." Lucy knew Kathleen would tell her anyway.
"Right!" Kathleen was pleased. "I"ve got an old widowed aunt. She"s a dear old soul, lives alone in a pretty house not too far from Torquay. She"s always asking me to go and stay with her, but it"s difficult, what with me working full time. But I"ve had her to visit here once or twice and she"s no trouble."
Lucy thought she already knew what Kathleen was getting at, but she asked anyway. "So, are you suggesting I might be able to go and stay with your aunt for a time?"
"Exactly!" Kathleen grew excited, "Oh, Lucy, you"ll love her. She can be cranky at times, but she"s got a kind heart, and I know she"ll take good care of you. Think about it, Lucy: a house with views you would never believe; the sea air all around you; freedom to do as you please. Oh, and she"s a good listener when needed."
Lucy was not altogether convinced. "I would be barging in on her without fair warning. And when I get there, she might not even like me. Worse, I might not like her, and it would be an impossible situation. Then where will I be? Right back where I started, only worse, because I"ll have used up some of the little money I"ve sc.r.a.ped together."
Kathleen took Lucy"s worries on board. "All right, I understand what you"re saying. But if it does work out, you really will have landed on your feet. You might even find a job in Torquay itself, and then you would be totally independent."
"Well, yes, there is that, I suppose. But I"m not altogether sure ..."
"OK, Lucy. I tell you what, you sleep on it. What do you say?"
Lucy agreed. "I"ll sleep on it."
PART THREE.
CHAPTER TEN.
IT WAS ALMOST eight o"clock when Lucy woke from a restless sleep, and even now, in the light of day, her mind was in turmoil.
Having walked the floor of her bedroom for more hours than she had slept, she had eventually come to a decision; although she remained unsure as to whether it was the right one or not.
Catching sight of herself in the mirror, she was shocked at her dishevelled appearance. "Good grief, Lucy! You look a real fright." Her hair was wild and tousled because of her twisting and turning in her troubled sleep. Her eyes were sore and tired and her whole demeanour looked frantic. "What"s happened to you?" she asked herself angrily. You had best get a grip of yourself, or you"ll go under ... and that"s the last thing you want. Pull yoursef together, woman! For once in your life, you need to think of what"s best for you. Not for Martin or Paula, not even for the family, but for you Lucy Lovejoy.
Irritated, she ran the flats of her hands through her tousled hair. You won"t get anywhere if you keep looking back, she decided. You need to look forward.
Leaning into the mirror, she studied the tired, worn face and the sorry, red eyes that stared back at her, and she laughed out loud. "You look like a sorry old drunk the morning after the night before," she giggled.
Patting her face, she managed to return a flush of colour to her cheeks. Lay off the booze in future ... you know you"re not used to it, she silently admonished herself. Take a good look at yourself, woman. See what it"s done to you.
She felt the tiniest bit ashamed, and then she gave a merry chuckle. "Me and Kathleen ..." she tutted, "... aren"t we a pair of bad "uns, eh?" There was Lucy, looking like something the cat dragged in, and judging by the silence from downstairs, her partner in crime was still fast asleep in bed.
Lucy was both nervous and excited. After examining all the alternatives, she had finally returned to a decision that she instinctively believed must be the right one for her. It felt right. It made her feel good.
Standing here in front of the mirror, she stared at herself for what seemed an age, her frantic mind ticking over, worrying, weighing the possible consequences of the choice she had settled on, although deep down, somewhere in her deepest soul, she was content. For the first time in her life, she had actually made a decision all by herself, without any persuasion from others. Moreover, she now felt strong enough to see it through.
Deep in thought, she walked to the window, drew open the curtains, and looked out. The fateful new day was here. "A new beginning," she murmured with a smile. "A new life for Lucy Lovejoy."
She felt special. She felt stronger in herself than she had for a very long time. It seemed as though she had actually achieved something.
Excited and unable to contain herself, she opened the window and called out in a strong, loud voice, "Lucy Lovejoy is off on a real adventure ... yeah!"
Clenching her fists, she shook them above her head. From now on I need to find out who I really am, and where my place is, she decided. She was afraid. But not enough to change her plans; because this was her time.
When Kathleen"s voice called from the bedroom door, Lucy quickly shut the window. "Lucy, what"s going on? Is that you shouting?"
"What?" Lucy was too embarra.s.sed to admit it was her. "Oh! I thought it was you. I thought your radio must be on."
"No, I don"t have a radio in my room. Somebody was yelling, though. It woke me up. Oh, well, never mind. It must have been kids in the street. Are you out of bed, Lucy?"
"I am now, yes."
"Right, well, I"ll get washed and dressed and I"ll see you downstairs. You can tell me what you"ve decided." There was a pause before Kathleen asked, "You have decided, haven"t you, Lucy?"
"I have ... yes."
Some ten minutes later, the two of them were sitting in the small kitchen, sipping tea.
"Right then!" Kathleen urged Lucy. "So, let"s hear your plan ... what have you decided? Will you be going to stay with my aunt, or not?"
"No. Thank you for the suggestion, but I"ve decided to go right away ... somewhere Mum and Dad used to take me and Paula, when we were kids." She choked back tears. "I"ve been missing Mum and Dad so much, I thought it might make me feel closer to them. D"you know what I mean?"
"Oh, Lucy! I think it"s a lovely idea. And, yes, I have an idea how you feel. I agree wholeheartedly with your choice, as long as it doesn"t make you feel sad."
"It won"t. Oh, but we had such wonderful times there as kids ... me and Paula. And later, when Samuel and Anne were toddlers, Martin took us there once. The children played for hours on that very same beach where we had played."
She felt torn. "I somehow feel that going back might help in some way. Last night when I was in bed, I got to remembering how it used to be. Back then we didn"t have too much of anything, really, but there were no complications. Just close family ... and lots of love and laughter ... unlike now, when it seems to be one bad thing after another." She went on, "For some reason, which I don"t fully understand, I feel the need to remind myself of how wonderful it was in that delightful place, when me and Paula were just innocent kids ..." Her voice tailed off as she recalled the unforgivable liaison between Martin and her younger sister.
Lucy had been left shattered by recent, cruel events, so Kathleen fully understood why she would want to recapture the delightful times she enjoyed as a child, with her sister and parents, and later, with Martin and her babies.
"I think you"ve made the best decision," she rea.s.sured Lucy. "I do believe that sometimes, we really need to look back before we can look forward."
Lucy was greatly relieved. "So, you"re not upset that I didn"t choose to stay with your aunt?"
"Of course I"m not upset." Kathleen was adamant. "You seem to have made a choice I had not even thought of. But you still haven"t told me where it is exactly."