He had to think an instant for this. "No--not quite to that."
"To what then?"
He tried in a manner to oblige me. "To something else."
It seemed so, for my thought, the gleam of something that fitted, that I was almost afraid of quenching the gleam by pressure. I must then get everything I could from him without asking too much. "You don"t quite know to _what_ else?"
"No--I don"t quite know." But there was a sound in it, this time, that I took as the hint of a wish to know--almost a recognition that I might help him.
I helped him accordingly as I could and, I may add, as far as the positive flutter he had stirred in me suffered. It fitted--it fitted!
"If her change is to something other, I suppose then a change back is not quite the exact name for it."
"Perhaps not." I fairly thrilled at his taking the suggestion as if it were an a.s.sistance. "She isn"t at any rate what I thought her yesterday."
It was amazing into what depths this dropped for me and with what possibilities it mingled. "I remember what you said of her yesterday."
I drew him on so that I brought back for him the very words he had used.
"She was so beastly unhappy." And he used them now visibly not as a remembrance of what he had said, but for the contrast of the fact with what he at present perceived; so that the value this gave for me to what he at present perceived was immense.
"And do you mean that that"s gone?"
He hung fire, however, a little as to saying so much what he meant, and while he waited he again looked at me. "What do _you_ mean? Don"t you think so yourself?"
I laid my hand on his arm and held him a moment with a grip that betrayed, I daresay, the effort in me to keep my thoughts together and lose not a thread. It betrayed at once, doubtless, the danger of that failure and the sharp foretaste of success. I remember that with it, absolutely, I struck myself as knowing again the joy of the intellectual mastery of things unamenable, that joy of determining, almost of creating results, which I have already mentioned as an exhilaration attached to some of my plunges of insight. "It would take long to tell you what I mean."
The tone of it made him fairly watch me as I had been watching him.
"Well, haven"t we got the whole night?"
"Oh, it would take more than the whole night--even if we had it!"
"By which you suggest that we haven"t it?"
"No--we haven"t it. I want to get away."
"To go to bed? I thought you were so keen."
"I _am_ keen. Keen is no word for it. I don"t want to go to bed. I want to get away."
"To leave the house--in the middle of the night?"
"Yes--absurd as it may seem. You excite me too much. You don"t know what you do to me."
He continued to look at me; then he gave a laugh which was not the contradiction, but quite the attestation, of the effect produced on him by my grip. If I had wanted to hold him I held him. It only came to me even that I held him too much. I felt this in fact with the next thing he said. "If you"re too excited, then, to be coherent now, will you tell me to-morrow?"
I took time myself now to relight. Ridiculous as it may sound, I had my nerves to steady; which is a proof, surely, that for real excitement there are no such adventures as intellectual ones. "Oh, to-morrow I shall be off in s.p.a.ce!"
"Certainly we shall neither of us be here. But can"t we arrange, say, to meet in town, or even to go up together in such conditions as will enable us to talk?"
I patted his arm again. "Thank you for your patience. It"s really good of you. Who knows if I shall be alive to-morrow? We _are_ meeting. We _do_ talk."
But with all I had to think of I must have fallen, on this, into the deepest of silences, for the next thing I remember is his returning: "We don"t!" I repeated my gesture of rea.s.surance, I conveyed that I should be with him again in a minute, and presently, while he gave me time, he came back to something of his own. "My wink, at all events, would have been nothing for any question between us, as I"ve just said, without yours. That"s what I call your responsibility. It was, as we put the matter, the torch of your a.n.a.logy----"
"Oh, the torch of my a.n.a.logy!"
I had so groaned it--as if for very ecstasy--that it pulled him up, and I could see his curiosity as indeed reaffected. But he went on with a coherency that somewhat admonished me: "It was your making me, as I told you this morning, think over what you had said about Brissenden and his wife: it was _that_----"
"That made you think over"--I took him straight up--"what you yourself had said about our troubled lady? Yes, precisely. That _was_ the torch of my a.n.a.logy. What I showed you in the one case seemed to tell you what to look for in the other. You thought it over. I accuse you of nothing worse than of _having_ thought it over. But you see what thinking it over does for it."
The way I said this appeared to amuse him. "I see what it does for _you_!"
"No, you don"t! Not at all yet. That"s just the embarra.s.sment."
"Just whose?" If I had thanked him for his patience he showed that he deserved it. "Just yours?"
"Well, say mine. But when you do----!" And I paused as for the rich promise of it.
"When I do see where you are, you mean?"
"The only difficulty is whether you _can_ see. But we must try. You"ve set me whirling round, but we must go step by step. Oh, but it"s all in your germ!"--I kept that up. "If she isn"t now beastly unhappy----"
"She"s beastly happy?" he broke in, getting firmer hold, if not of the real impression he had just been gathering under my eyes, then at least of something he had begun to make out that my argument required. "Well, that _is_ the way I see her difference. Her difference, I mean," he added, in his evident wish to work with me, "her difference from her other difference! There!" He laughed as if, also, he had found himself fairly fantastic. "Isn"t _that_ clear for you?"
"Crystalline--for _me_. But that"s because I know why."
I can see again now the long look that, on this, he gave me. I made out already much of what was in it. "So then do I!"
"But how in the world----? I know, for myself, _how_ I know."
"So then do I," he after a moment repeated.
"And can you tell me?"
"Certainly. But what I"ve already named to you--the torch of your a.n.a.logy."
I turned this over. "You"ve made evidently an admirable use of it. But the wonderful thing is that you seem to have done so without having all the elements."
He on his side considered. "What do you call all the elements?"
"Oh, it would take me long to tell you!" I couldn"t help laughing at the comparative simplicity with which he asked it. "That"s the sort of thing we just now spoke of taking a day for. At any rate, such as they are, these elements," I went on, "I believe myself practically in possession of them. But what I don"t quite see is how _you_ can be."
Well, he was able to tell me. "Why in the world shouldn"t your a.n.a.logy have put me?" He spoke with gaiety, but with lucidity. "I"m not an idiot either."
"I see." But there was so much!
"Did you think I _was_?" he amiably asked.
"No. I see," I repeated. Yet I didn"t, really, fully; which he presently perceived.
"You made me think of your view of the Brissenden pair till I could think of nothing else."