He frowned at her. "Sophia, I must have your answer. I mean what I say.
I love you. I want to marry you."
Holy Virgin, would the fellow never give in? Did he really think her foolish enough to believe he was sincerely proposing to her? Yes, perhaps he did think that of the Sophia she pretended to be. She must answer him as that girl would. She cast her eyes down, her hands clasped before her.
"Simon, do not torment me. I know that you cannot marry me. My uncle has told me who you are--your ancient n.o.ble house, your vast holdings.
Perhaps you mean to be kind to me by speaking of marriage, but a man of your rank has too many obligations. You cannot marry as you choose. So, please, speak of it no more."
_But what if we could get married?_
The thought arose unbidden in her mind as she stared down at the brown pine needles. She wanted to drive it out again, but could not stop herself from seeing what it might be like.
Marriage, a home, a fixed, secure abode where she might live out her life in serene, peaceful occupations. Raising children, spinning, embroidering, managing a household. What so many women, rich and poor, had. What she had not known since she was a young girl--a _place_, a _family_. And to be the wife of a man like Simon--kind, brave, handsome, well spoken.
She understood suddenly why it was always so easy for her to forget Sophia Karaiannides and become Sophia Orfali. She did what was given her to do, but in the core of her heart what she longed for was to be someone like Sophia Orfali, who truly had a place in the world. Sophia Orfali, for all that she was a mask, was more real than Sophia Karaiannides.
It was too painful for her, the unexpected longing for the love she could never have, the grief for Simon, whom she was going to murder.
"Let us get back, you to your scudiero and I to my escort," she said.
She started walking toward the road.
He stepped in front of her. "Sophia, wait."
She felt something in her chest like a ball of iron. She had her tears well under control for the moment, but she had to get away from him.
Otherwise she would not be able to stop herself from crying.
"Please," he said again. She felt herself forced to look up at him. His thin face, so grave, so intelligent.
"I beg you to believe me. I do want you desperately. Love is of the spirit, and it is of the body too. But I am not proposing marriage just to possess you. I want to marry you because I love you."
She stood looking at this handsome young man and breathing the fragrance of pine-scented air, and she thought of David. What she felt for David drew no line between body and spirit. If she had all the things she had just been longing for--a husband, a family, a home--and David appeared out of nowhere and looked at her with those glowing eyes of his and told her to come with him, she would abandon everything for him. When she looked at David, she saw a pillar of pure fire burning inside him. There was a power in him that called out to everything that was strong in her and demanded that she accept no other man for her mate.
"You think that my t.i.tle, my family, is an obstacle to our marrying,"
Simon said. "But it is not. If you knew who I really am, you might not want to marry _me_."
She laughed a little at the thought of him not being who he so obviously was. "Are you some peasant lad who stole the place of the true Simon de Gobignon, then?"
"It is something like that."
"In G.o.d"s name, Simon, what are you talking about?"
His nostrils flared. He drew air in a great gulp through his mouth. He took a step toward her, and she tensed, lest he seize her again, but he kept his hands at his sides.
"The last Count de Gobignon was a traitor to his king, to his countrymen, to his own va.s.sals. He betrayed a whole army of crusaders into the hands of the Saracens. He died in disgrace. His grave is unmarked. So foul was his treachery that no man of good family in France will permit his daughter to marry me."
Sophia found that hard to believe. There must be many great barons in France who would forget the crime of the father, no matter how horrible, when the son was so attractive and, especially, so rich.
"Simon, you have so much to offer a wife." She would have laughed at the absurdity of all this, but the tortured expression clearly mirrored a tortured soul.
"Oh, surely, there are barons who would sell their daughters to the devil for a bit of land," he agreed. "I meant that I could not marry the women I chose. But there is worse, Sophia. I could lose everything if what I am about to tell you were known, but that is the least of it. It puts my life in your hands and the lives of my mother and--my father."
_Your life is already in my hands_, she thought, her eyes hurting from looking so intensely into his. But then the full meaning of what he had said bore in on her.
_His father?_
"Simon, are you telling me that you are not--"
"I am not the son of the Count de Gobignon. My father was a troubadour, the Sire Roland de Vency, with whom my mother fell in love while Amalric de Gobignon was still alive. She succeeded in pa.s.sing me off as the count"s son, but we three, my mother, Roland, and I, know the secret.
And my confessor. And now you."
She shook her head, bewildered. She felt no doubt that what he was telling her was true. The pain in his face was like that of a man who had stripped his very skin off to reveal himself to her. It tore at her heart to see him suffering so much.
"But how could this happen, Simon?"
"It is too long a tale for today. Perhaps one day I can tell you all of it. But do you believe me now? Truly there is no barrier of family between you and me, Sophia. Unless you set one there, knowing that I am--I am a b.a.s.t.a.r.d and an impostor. Could you think of marrying me?"
The tears she had been holding back, for an hour it seemed, burst suddenly from her eyes, as sobs welled up in her throat. And yet, she wanted to laugh as well, at the irony of it. To think that he was ashamed of his pretense. If he had any idea of _her_ pretense, and David"s, he would probably kill her on the spot.
His face, coming nearer and nearer. All his finery was a red and purple blur before her tear-filled eyes. His hands were reaching for her.
_He loves me. He really loves me. He really does want to marry me._
If he had taken that strange Saracen sword of his out and run her through with it, he could not have hurt her more. She had been thinking about sending David to kill him, and he had just entrusted all of himself, his family, everything he possessed, his body and his soul, to her.
If David went after him, this time one of them--Simon or David--would surely die. The luck of the Monaldeschi palace encounter could not protect both a second time.
She felt Simon"s hands on her shoulders. She pulled away from him.
"Sophia!" She heard the anguish in his voice.
Tartars and Muslims were a thousand leagues away. If Christians and Tartars were destined to join forces and destroy Islam, it would happen.
She willed herself to believe that. And if it was not destined, it would not happen.
David and Simon were here. To say anything to David about Simon"s mission to France was to doom one man, perhaps both. It might be the man who loved her, or it might be the man she loved. And she did not want either to die.
"Sophia, I beg you, speak to me! Are you turning against me?"
She wiped her streaming eyes to see Simon standing before her, his arms hanging at his sides, his face agonized.
_I cannot doom this young man._
She took deep breaths to calm herself enough to speak to him.
"Simon, I pray that G.o.d will bless and protect you." She stifled a sob.
"I cannot marry you. You must forget me."
He scrambled to his feet, his arms outstretched. "Do not turn from me, Sophia. I would rather have you kill me."
"No!" It came out of her as a scream. She turned and started to run, holding up the hem of her long skirt to keep from tripping. Her anguish was like a giant"s hand that had seized her heart and was crushing it.