My mother formed a most favourable opinion of our visitor, and decided that I was fortunate in obtaining such a Professor. What had especially impressed her was a sentence delivered by M. Heger, with a masterly little gesture, that, as she herself said, entirely won her over to his opinions upon a question where elaborate arguments might have left her unconvinced. And I may observe here, that this belonged to M. Heger"s methods, not so much of arguing, as of dispensing with arguments. His mind was made up upon most subjects, and as he had got into the habit of regarding the world as his cla.s.s-room, and his fellow-creatures as pupils, he did not argue; he told people what they ought to think about things. And in order to make this method of settling questions not only convincing, but stimulating, to his most intelligent pupils, he held in reserve a store of these really luminous phrases, that he would use as little Lanterns, flashing them, now in this direction, now in that, but always with a special and appropriate direction given to the illuminative phrase, so that it lit up the point of view upon which he desired to fix attention. The particular sentence that conquered my mother"s admiration and acquiescence in M. Heger"s point of view was the one I have made the heading of this chapter. Here was how he contrived to introduce it. After discussing the plan of _my_ studies, and the arrangements for my being taken to the English church by my brother every Sunday, and allowed to take walks with him upon half-holidays (to all of which of course I listened with pa.s.sionate attention), they pa.s.sed on to discuss the terms asked by the tutor whom the Hegers had recommended. My mother had been told by her Dutch cousin that they were exorbitant terms; and, as a matter of fact, I believe they were exactly twice the amount charged by the Hegers themselves: "_I am not a rich woman_," my mother had said, apologetically, "_and I have put aside a fixed sum for my children"s education; I doubt if I can give this_." ...
Then did the Professor see, and seize, his opportunity: "_Madame,"_ he said, with a gesture, "_quelquefois, donner, c"est semer_." My mother, dazzled with this prophetic utterance, remained speechless and vanquished. In the evening of the same day I heard her quote to the Dutch cousin, who did not approve of her consent to these charges, "_what that clever man, Professor Heger) said so well_," as though it had been unanswerable. In the course of the next two years I often heard the same luminous phrase used, with equal appropriateness, to light up other propositions. (I have heard M. Heger use it in a sense where it became a different formula for expressing a fundamental doctrine of Rousseau, thus, "_Instruire, ce n"est pas donner, c"est semer_," but I never heard the words without going back to the first impression, and to the vision it called up. I would see again the little _salle-a-manger_ in the Rue de la Chapelle at Ostend, I would watch the masterly gesture of the Professor"s hand when he delivered his triumphant sentence, that is not an argument, but is worth more; I would see the look of admiration and sudden conviction come into my dear mother"s face; I would feel myself sitting upon the little rickety sofa in the dark corner, _and I would shudder with the foreknowledge of what was coming_, for, woebetide me that I should have to tell it, this first interview _did not leave with me the same impression of confidence in M. Heger as my future teacher and guardian that it did with my mother;_ it left with me, on the contrary, the miserable conviction that the very worst thing that could have happened had happened; that M. Heger had taken a vehement dislike to me, and consequently that all hope of happiness for me in the Pensionnat in the Rue d"Isabelle was over and done with.
And the worst of it was, that it was all my own fault; or rather, to be just, it was my misfortune.
For I had had a really very bad time of it, sitting on that rickety little sofa. My mother, who had only too flattering an opinion of me in every way, had meant to say the kindest things about me to M. Heger, and I knew this perfectly. But unfortunately, although she spoke French with the greatest fluency and self-confidence (because as she was a very charming woman, and as Frenchmen are always polite in their criticism of the French of charming English women, she had been very often complimented upon her command of the language),--unfortunately, I say, her French was really English, literally translated; and every one who has experience of what false meanings can be conveyed by this sort of French will realise what I had suffered, because, though I only spoke French badly at this time, I understood the language better than my mother. And this is how I had heard myself described to my future Professor. My mother had _wished_ to say that I was more fond of study and of reading than was good for the health of a girl of my age; but what she _actually_ said was that I was fond of reading things that were not healthy or suitable (_convenable_) for a young girl. Again, she had _meant_ to say that as I had worked too hard, she had let me run wild a little; and that consequently I might find it difficult to get into working habits again; but that as I had a capital head of my own, and plenty of courage, I should, no doubt, soon get into good ways again.
But instead of all these flattering things (that might have been rather irritating too, only a Professor of experience knows how to forgive a parent"s partiality), I had heard this fond mother of mine say that her daughter had recently contracted the habits of a little savage; and that it would require courageous discipline, as she was very headstrong, to bring her into the right way again. It will be understood that to sit and listen to all this about oneself was anguish. But, carefully watching M. Heger"s face, I had a notion that he had found out there was some mistake. Still I was depressed and bewildered; and in dread of what I was going to say, when the time came, as I knew it must, when he would say something to me, and I should have a chance of answering for myself.
And the misfortune was, that _when_ the critical moment came, I wasn"t expecting it; because, here, at least, what the author of _Villette_ says of Professor Paul Emanuel was true of M. Heger--everything he did was sudden; and he always contrived to take one by surprise.
It was immediately after he had won his triumph over my mother, and in the moment when I myself was under the spell of admiration for his talent, that he turned upon me, in a sort of flash, smiling down upon me (very red and startled to find him so near), and nodding his head with an irritating look of amus.e.m.e.nt as his penetrating eyes searched my doleful face. "_Aa-ah_," he said, in a half-playful, but as it sounded to me, more mocking, than kindly tone, "_Aa-ah_" (another nod of the head), "so this is the little Savage I have to discipline and vanquish, is it? And she is headstrong (_tetue_). Tell me, Mees, am I to be too indulgent? or too severe? (_Dois-je etre trop indulgent? ou trop severe?_") Now, if only I had made the natural reply, the one obviously expected from me--the one any girl in my position would have made, and which I myself should have made if I hadn"t been addressed as "a little savage," and if I hadn"t been smarting under the sense that he must have the worst possible opinion of me, and that I ought to vindicate my honour in some way,--if only, in short, I had remembered my brother"s wholesome advice, "_Don"t show off_," that is to say, if only I had said, amiably and nicely, with a timid little smile, "_Trop indulgent, s"il vous plait, Monsieur_," THEN all would have been well with me; M.
Heger would have continued to smile; we should have exchanged amiable glances and parted the best of friends.... But of what use are these speculations? What I _did_ reply to his question of whether he was to be too indulgent or too severe was--"_Ni l"un ni l"autre, Monsieur; soyez juste, cela suffit_" ... and I listened to the broadness of my own British accent, whilst I said it, in despairing wonder! M. Heger"s smiles vanished; there came what I took to be a "look of undying hatred"
into his face--it was not perhaps so bad as all that, but ... well, I certainly hadn"t conquered his favour. He said something disagreeable about Les Anglaises being over wise, too philosophical for him, which my mother thought was a compliment to my cleverness. But I knew what I had done, and that it could never be undone, henceforth ...
Well, but the case really was not quite so desperate perhaps?
[1] This chapter is reproduced from the _Cornhill_ by the kind permission of Messrs. Smith, Elder and Co.
CHAPTER III
MONSIEUR AND MADAME HEGER AS I SAW THEM; AND BELGIAN SCHOOLGIRLS AS I KNEW THEM
Let me give here my mother"s, and my own, account of the impressions made upon us by M. Heger"s personal appearance at this time.
"He is very like one of those selected Roman Catholic Priests," my mother told her Dutch relatives, "who go into society and look after the eldest sons of Catholic n.o.blemen. He has too good a nose for a Belgian and, I should say, he has Italian blood in him."
My own report, to my brother, who made anxious inquiries of me, was less flattering perhaps, but it was not intended to be disrespectful. I always see M. Heger as I saw him then: as too interesting to be alarming; but too alarming to be lovable.
"He is rather like Punch," I said, "but better looking of course; and not so good-tempered."
Let me justify these two descriptions by showing that both of them were based upon an accurate observation of the man himself.
M. Heger, as I remember him, was no longer what Charlotte called him, angrily, in her letter to Ellen Nussey, a _little Black Being_, and, affectionately, under the disguise of Paul Emanuel, "_a spare, alert man, showing the velvet blackness of a close-shorn head, and the sallow ivory of his brow beneath_." M. Heger in 1859 was still alert, but he was not spare, he was inclining towards stoutness. His hair was not velvet black, but grizzled, and he was bald on the crown of his head, in a way that might have been mistaken for a tonsure; and this no doubt added to the resemblance my mother saw in him to a Priest. He did not look in the least old, however. His brow, not sallow but bronzed, was unwrinkled; his eyes were still clear and penetrating (Charlotte said they were violet blue; and certainly she ought to have known. Still, _do violet eyes penetrate one"s soul like points of steel?_) The Roman nose, that my mother thought too good a nose to be Belgian, and that reminded me of Punch (but a good-looking Punch) was a commanding feature. And the curved chin (also suggesting a good-looking Punch, to a young and irreverent observer), although it indicated humour, meant sarcasm, rather than a sense of fun. But Monsieur Heger had one really beautiful feature, that I remember often watching with extreme pleasure when he recited fine poetry or read n.o.ble prose:--his mouth, when uttering words that moved him, had a delightful smile, not in the least tender towards ordinary mortals, but almost tender in its homage to the excellence of writers of genius.
In brief, what M. Heger"s face revealed when studied as the index of his natural qualities, was intellectual superiority, an imperious temper, a good deal of impatience against stupidity, and very little patience with his fellow-creatures generally; it revealed too a good deal of humour; and a very little kind-heartedness, to be weighed against any amount of irritability. It was a sort of face bound to interest one; but not, so it seems to me, to conquer affection. For with all these qualities of intellect, power, humour, and a little kind-heartedness, one quality was totally lacking: there was no love in M. Heger"s face, nor in his character, as I recall it; and, oddly enough, looking back now to him as one of the personages in my own past to whom I owe most, and whose mind I most admire, I have to recognise that in my sentiment towards M. Heger to-day even, made up as it is half of admiration and half of amus.e.m.e.nt, there is not one particle of love.
I have said--in connection with my first impression, that "undying hate"
was the sentiment that M. Heger had conceived for me--that really "it was not so bad as all that." Still, what happened at this first interview, if it did not determine any deep-rooted antipathy to me, planted from this moment in M. Heger"s breast, did indicate, to a certain extent, what the character of our future relationships was to be--_out of lesson-hours._ In these hours, our relationships of Professor and pupil were ideal. Seldom did an occasional misunderstanding trouble them. Certainly, in my own day, no other pupil entered with so much sympathetic admiration into the spirit of M.
Heger"s teaching as I did. He saw and felt this; and here I, too, was for him, and _as a pupil_, sympathetic. But in our personal relationships, there were certain things in me that were antipathetic to M. Heger, and that rubbed him so much the wrong way, that he was constantly (so it still seems to me) unjust to what were not faults, but idiosyncrasies, that belonged to my nationality and my character. First of all, there was my English accent: and here this singular remark has to be made: I never spoke such purely British French to any one as to M.
Heger; and this was the result of my constant endeavour to be very careful to avoid the accent he disliked, when speaking to him. The second cause of offence in me was also due to my nationality, or rather to my upbringing. Like all English children of my generation, I had been brought up to esteem it undignified, and even a breach of good manners, to cry in public: and although I was tender-hearted and emotional, I was not in the least hysterical; and except under the stress of extreme distress, it cost me very little self-control not to weep, as my Belgian schoolfellows did, very often, at the smallest scolding; or even without a scolding, and simply because they were bored--"_ennuyee_." I remember now my surprise, at first hearing the reply to my question to a sobbing schoolfellow: "_Pourquoi pleures-tu?_ "_Parce que je m"ennuie._" "Why?"
"_Mais je te le dis parce que je m"ennuie_." Well, but M. Heger liked his pupils to cry, when he said disagreeable things: or, in any case, he became gentle, and melted, when they wept, and was amiable at once. But when one did not weep, but appeared either unmoved, or indignant, he became more and more disagreeable: and, at length, exasperated. A third idiosyncrasy in me that he disliked was not national, but personal. It was due to a sort of incipient Rousseau-ism,--that must have been inborn, because I was never taught it, even in England. And yet there it was, implanted in me as a sentiment, long before I recognised it as an opinion or conviction, that I could express in words! This natural sentiment, or principle, was the belief that "_I was born free: that my soul was my own: and that there was no virtue, wisdom, nor happiness possible for me outside of the laws of my own const.i.tution_."
Unformulated, but inherent in me, this fundamental belief in myself as a law to myself, no doubt betrayed itself in a sort of independence of mind and manner very aggravating to my elders and betters, and to those put in authority over me. And especially aggravating to an authoritative Professor, who was, in all domains, opposed to individualism, and the doctrine of personal rights and liberty. Thus in literature M. Heger was a cla.s.sic; in religion he was a dogmatic Catholic; in politics he was an anti-democrat, a lover of vigorous kings; and by const.i.tution he was a king in his own right: a masterful man, not only a law to himself, but a lord, by virtue of his sense of superiority, to everyone else.
For these reasons, M. Heger and myself--on ideal terms as Professor and pupil--were on bad terms outside of lesson-hours. We could not quite dislike each other; but our relationships were stormy. There were, however, intervals of calm.
I have said that with a good deal of admiration, grat.i.tude, and some amus.e.m.e.nt, there is no _love_ for M. Heger intermingled with my remembrances of him.
There is, on the contrary, a good deal of love in the sentiment I retain for Madame Heger,--although, as a matter of fact, in the days when I was her pupil I never remember any strong or warm feeling of personal affection for her; nor have I any distinct personal obligation to her, as to one who, like M. Heger, rendered me direct services by her instructions or counsels. Nor yet again had Madame Heger any strong personal liking for me; nor did she show me any special kindness. But her kindness was of an all-embracing character. And so was her liking for, or rather love of, all the inhabitants of the little world she governed: a world that extended beyond the boundaries of the actual walls of the Pensionnat, in any stated year; a world, made up of all the girls who, before that year, and afterwards, through several generations, had been and ever would be, her "dear pupils"; "_mes cheres eleves_";--terms that, uttered by her, were no mere formula, but expressed a true sentiment, and a serious and, so it seems to me, a beautiful and sweet idealism. This idealism in Madame Heger, this constant love and care and watchfulness for the community of girls, who, pa.s.sing out of her hands, were to go out into the world by and by, to fulfil there what Madame Heger saw to be the kind and sweet and tranquil, and sometimes self-sacrificing and sorrowful, mission of womanhood, enveloped the ideal school-mistress with a sort of unfailing benevolence, that became a pervading influence in the Pensionnat, singling out no particular pupils, and withdrawn from none of them.
Here, it seems to me, and not at all in the reasons imagined by Charlotte in the case of Madame Beck, we have the secret of Madame Heger"s system of government. I really am not, at this distance of time, able to say positively whether there was, or was not, a surveillance that might be called a system of _espionage_ carried on, keeping the head-mistress informed of the conversation and behaviour of this large number of girls, amongst whom one or two black sheep might have sufficed to contaminate the flock. I was not a faultless, nor a model girl by any means: but I was a simple sort of young creature with nothing of the black sheep in me; and I never remember in my own case having my desk explored, nor my pockets turned inside out. But if even this had been done, it would not have gravely affected me; because neither in my pockets nor in my desk, would anything have been found of a mysterious or interesting character. But I should think it very probable that, in this very large school, a watchful surveillance _was_ kept up; and that if any of these schoolgirls, most of them under sixteen, had attempted, after their return from the monthly holiday, to bring back to school illegal stores of sweets, or a naughty story book, and had concealed such things in their school desks, well, I admit, I think it possible, that the sweets or naughty book _might_ have been missing from the desk next day. And also that, in the course of the afternoon, a not entirely welcome invitation would have been received by the imprudent smuggler of forbidden goods to pay Madame Heger a visit in the Salon? These things took place occasionally I know: and naturally, amongst the girls public sympathy was with the smuggler. But I am not sure, if one takes the point of view of a Directress, if a large girls" school could be carried on successfully, were it made a point of honour that there should be no surveillance, and that pupils might use their lockers as cupboards for sweets, or as hiding-places for light literature.
But, apart from the fact that Madame Heger was, no doubt, both watchful and uncompromising in her surveillance, based upon a firm resolution that nothing "inconvenient" must be smuggled in, or hidden out of sight, as a source of mischief in the school, there was in her no resemblance to the odious Madame Beck; that is to say, no _moral_ resemblance. In physical appearance, the author of _Villette_ did use Madame Heger evidently as the model for the picture of an entirely different moral person. "_Her complexion was fresh and sanguine, her eye blue and serene. Her face offered contrasts--its features were by no means such as are usually seen in conjunction with a complexion of such blended freshness and repose; their outline was stern; her forehead was high, but narrow; it expressed capacity and some benevolence, but no expanse.... I know not what of harmony pervaded her whole person._"[1]
Taking this portrait from _Villette_, as it is given of Madame Beck, and comparing it with my own recollections, and also with the photograph I am fortunate enough to possess of Madame Heger at the age of sixty, it seems to me that this _is_ a very accurate physical description of the real Directress of the school in the Rue d"Isabelle; who morally was as unlike the fict.i.tious Madame Beck as truth is unlike falsehood. About the physical resemblance, I may say that, if I had trusted to my own impressions, I should have rejected the a.s.sertion that the "outline of her features was stern." I never remember a.s.sociating sternness with Madame Heger; though her supreme quality of serenity imposed a sort of respect that had a little touch of fear in it. Upon re-examining the photograph attentively, however, I find that it is true that the outline of the features _is_ stern; but I do not think that this impression was conveyed by the younger face, remembered with softened colouring; and lit up, as a characteristic expression, by a normal expression of serenity and of kindliness. "_I know not what of harmony pervaded her whole person_": that sentence of Charlotte"s (used by her of the unspeakable Madame Beck) exactly expresses the impression I still retain of the very estimable and, by myself, affectionately remembered, Madame Heger.
[Ill.u.s.tration: MADAME HEGER AT SIXTY. (She was thirty years younger when Charlotte knew her) From a portrait given to the author by Madame Heger"s daughter (Author"s _Copyright_)]
In the same way, as I have said, the apprehensions as to my future companions in this foreign school, that would infallibly have been awakened in me if I had read, before meeting them, the account given by the author of _Villette_ of Belgian schoolgirls, as differing, not only in nationality, but in human nature, from English schoolgirls, would have been groundless. When I call up around me to-day the recollections of my Bruxelles schoolfellows, amongst whom I was the only English girl and the only Protestant, there does not come back to me any painful remembrance that I ever felt myself an alien amongst them. On the contrary, I remember privileges granted me as "la pet.i.te Anglaise," who was further away than others from home, and must be treated with special kindness. I see around me in this large company of girls, no "perverted"
nor precociously formed young women, _whose "eyes are full of an insolent light, and their brows hard and unblushing as marble_." In brief, I see no "_swinish mult.i.tude_"--such as insular prejudice, and a disturbed imagination, showed Charlotte; but I see very much the same mixed crowd of youthful faces, fair and dark, pretty and plain, smiling and serious, stupid and intelligent, coa.r.s.e and fine, sympathetic and unlikeable, that one would get in such a large collection of English schoolgirls; but in all this crowd of my Belgian schoolfellows just what my memory does _not_ show me anywhere, are the "_eyes full of an insolent light, and the brow hard and unblushing as marble_,"[2]--that are not characteristics of the schoolgirl in any nation or country I have ever known; and I have been a traveller in my time, and enjoyed opportunities of observing different national peculiarities, that never fell in the way of Charlotte, who spent two years in Bruxelles; but lived the rest of her life in Yorkshire.
As for the hundred (or more perhaps than a hundred) schoolgirls that made up in my day the little world ruled by Madame Heger as the administrator of a system based on the authority of _Douceur, Bonte_, and _les Convenances_ (in the sense of what was seemly, and opposed to violence and ugliness), amongst them were many girls whom I only knew by name and sight; many of whom I knew slightly better, and whom I rather liked than disliked; a few whom I disliked heartily (very few of these)--and a few whom I loved dearly (very few again)--but amongst these friends, chosen because their hearts were in tune with my own, the difference of nationality and creed did not stand in the way of mutual affection. In some cases, it is true, life, with its exacting claims of duties and occupations and cares, rushed in to divide me afterwards from these companions of my best years; when everything that I am glad, and not sorry, to have been, and to have done, in a long life, was prepared and made possible for me--but at least one of these friendships formed with a Belgian schoolgirl in those days, I may describe as a life-long friendship: because it remains an unaltered sentiment that lives in me to-day, unquenched by the fact that, only a few years ago--after half a century had pa.s.sed since we met--my girl friend that had been then, a white-haired woman now, died; in the same year, as it strangely happened, that our old school (transformed into a boys" college during the last twenty years of its existence), that had stood in the Rue d"Isabelle until 1909, was swept away, with its beautiful old walled garden and time-honoured pear-trees, that to the end of their lives "renewed their perfumed snowy blossom every spring."
I am told a handsome building now replaces the long, plain straggling facade of the historic school--but I have no wish to see it.
[1] _Villette_, chapter viii.
[2] See _Villette_, chapter viii.
CHAPTER IV
MY SECOND INTERVIEW WITH M. HEGER.
THE WASHING OF "PEPPER." THE LESSON IN ARITHMETIC
I had been an inmate of the school in the Rue d"Isabelle a fortnight. In this interval I had lived through a great deal. Thanks to attentive self-doctoring and a strict _regime_, where no luxuries in the way of private crying were allowed, I had pulled myself through the first acute stage of the sort of sickness that attacks every "new" girl, as the result of being plunged into the cold atmosphere of a strange, and especially of a foreign, school. Now I was out of danger of the peril that had threatened me during about a week, the possible disaster of some sudden access of violent weeping over my sense of desolation, in the sight of these foreign teachers and pupils, that would have seemed to me profoundly humiliating, on patriotic, as well as upon private grounds. For, as the one English girl in this Belgian school, was not the honour of my country, or, at any rate, of the girls of my country, at stake? And then I realised, also, that politeness to the foreigner, as well as duty to myself and my country, forbade any exhibition of vehement home-sickness. Thus, might not these Belgian teachers and girls reasonably take offence, and say, "Why do you come to school in our country if you don"t like it? We didn"t ask you to come here. Why don"t you go home?"
By these methods, then, of what it pleased me to regard as a sort of philosophy of my own, I had lived through the worst, and if I was not entirely cured of occasional inward sinkings of the heart and the feeling of desolation, I felt I had mastered the temptation to make any public display of them. And having reached this point by my own effort, now help came to me in the shape of a friendly tribute and encouragement from a girl who was a sort of philosopher, also by a rule of her own, which she kindly explained to me, and which I entirely approved of.
This girl was fair and small, and had broad brows and clear green eyes under them. Her name was Marie Hazard. She had not spoken to me before, but on several occasions had shown me little kindnesses, and given me nice smiles and nods of greeting. Finally she came up to me in the garden and took my arm:--
"Do you know why I have a friendship for you?" she asked.
"No," I answered. "But have you _really_? I _am_ so glad."
"Yes," she proceeded to explain; "I like you, because you are reasonable, and don"t sit down and cry, as, of course, you _could_ if you liked. I have as much heart as another; but it irritates me, and does not touch me one bit, to see some of the pupils here, the big ones too, crying and crying, and _why? because they have come back to school, and would rather be at home!_ Evidently that is the case with all of us.
And evidently, what is more, it"s going to be the case for ten months.
But for some insignificant holidays at the New Year, from now until August, thus it will be with us. We shall be all of us in this school, and we would all of us prefer to be in our homes. But why cry, then? or if one begins to cry, why leave off? Is one, then, to cry for ten months? And what eyes will one have at the end? And what good is it?"
I laughed, not only because she seemed to me to put it humorously, but because I was full of happiness that I had found a friend.
"Yes," she said, "you laugh, and that is well, too. It"s the thing to do. Now, if _you_ cried there might be an excuse; you are farther away from your people than we are. But you ask yourself, What is the good?