"Aspen Leger, don"t you dare move!" My voice was fierce. And he stopped, finally paying attention to me.
"That"ll be good practice for when you"re a One." If it hadn"t been for his eyes, I would have thought it was a joke, not an insult.
I just shook my head and went to my desk, pulling out all the money I"d earned by myself. I put every last bit of it in his hands.
"America, I"m not taking this."
"The h.e.l.l you aren"t. I don"t need it and you do. If you ever loved me at all, you"ll take it. Hasn"t your pride done enough for us?" I could feel a part of him shut down. He stopped fighting.
"Fine."
"And here." I dug behind my bed, pulled out my tiny jar of pennies, and poured them into his hand. One rebellious penny that must have been sticky stayed glued to the bottom. "Those were always yours. You should use them."
Now I didn"t have anything of his. And once he spent those pennies out of desperation, he wouldn"t have anything of mine. I felt the hurt coming up. My eyes got wet, and I breathed hard to keep the sobs back.
"I"m sorry, Mer. Good luck." He shoved the money and the pennies into his pockets and ran out.
This wasn"t how I thought I"d cry. I was expecting huge, jarring sobs, not slow, tiny tears.
I started to put the jar on a shelf, but I noticed that little penny again. I put my finger in the jar and got it unstuck. It rattled around in the gla.s.s all by itself. It was a hollow sound, and I could feel it echo in my chest. I knew, for better or for worse, I wasn"t really free of Aspen, not yet. Maybe not ever. I opened the backpack, put in my jar, and sealed it all away.
May snuck into my room, and I took one of those stupid pills. I fell asleep holding her, finally feeling numb.
CHAPTER 7.
THE NEXT MORNING, I DRESSED myself in the uniform of the Selected: black pants, white shirt, and my province flower-a lily-in my hair. My shoes I got to pick. I chose worn-out red flats. I figured I should make it clear from the start that I wasn"t princess material.
We were set to leave for the square shortly. Each of the Selected was getting a send-off in her home province today, and I wasn"t looking forward to mine. All those people staring while I did nothing more than stand there. The whole thing already felt ridiculous, as I had to be driven the two short miles for security reasons.
The day began uncomfortably. Kenna came with James to send me off, which was kind of her, considering she was pregnant and tired. Kota came by, too, though his presence added more tension than ease. As we walked from our house to the car we"d been provided, Kota was by far the slowest, letting the few photographers and well-wishers who were there get a good look at him. Dad just shook his head.
May was my only solace. She held my hand and tried to inject some of her enthusiasm into me. We were still linked when I stepped into the crowded square. It seemed like everyone in the province of Carolina came out to see me off. Or just see what the big deal was.
Standing on the raised stage, I could see the boundaries between the castes. Margareta Stines was a Three, and she and her parents were staring daggers at me. Tenile Digger was a Seven, and she was blowing kisses. The upper castes looked at me like I"d stolen something that was theirs. The Fours on down were cheering for me-an average girl who"d been elevated. I became aware of what I meant to everyone here, as if I represented something for all of them.
I tried to focus in on those faces, holding my head high. I was determined to do this well. I would be the best of us, the Highest of the Lows. It gave me a sense of purpose. America Singer: the champion of the lower castes.
The mayor spoke with a flourish.
"And Carolina will be cheering on the beautiful daughter of Magda and Shalom Singer, the new Lady America Singer!"
The crowd clapped and cheered. Some threw flowers.
I took in the sound for a moment, smiling and waving, and then went back to surveying the crowd, but this time for a different purpose.
I wanted to see his face one more time if I could. I didn"t know if he would come. He told me I looked beautiful yesterday but was even more distant and guarded than he had been in the tree house. It was over, and I knew that. But you don"t love someone for almost two years and then turn it off overnight.
It took a few pa.s.ses of the crowd before I found him. I immediately wished I hadn"t. Aspen was standing there with Brenna Butler in front of him, casually holding her around the waist and smiling.
Maybe some people could turn it off overnight.
Brenna was a Six and about my age. Pretty enough, I supposed, though she didn"t look a bit like me. I guessed she"d get the wedding and life he"d been saving for with me. And apparently the draft didn"t bother him so much anymore. She smiled at him and walked away to her family.
Had he liked her all along? Was she the girl he saw every day and was I the girl who fed him and showered him with kisses once a week? It occurred to me that maybe all the time he omitted in our stolen conversations wasn"t simply long, boring hours of inventory.
I was too angry to cry.
Besides, I had admirers here who wanted my attention. So, without Aspen even knowing that I"d seen him, I went back to those adoring faces. I put my smile back on, bigger than ever, and started waving. Aspen would not have the satisfaction of breaking my heart anymore. He"d put me here, and I would just have to take advantage of it.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in sending off America Singer, our favorite Daughter of Illea!" the mayor called. Behind me, a small band played the national anthem.
More cheers, more flowers. Suddenly the mayor was at my ear.
"Would you like to say something, dear?"
I didn"t know how to say no without being rude. "Thank you, but I"m so overwhelmed, I don"t think I could."
He cupped my hands in his. "Of course, dear girl. Don"t you worry, I"ll take care of everything. They"ll train you for this kind of thing at the palace. You"ll need it."
The mayor then told the gathered crowd of my attributes, slyly mentioning that I was very intelligent and attractive for a Five. He didn"t seem too bad a guy, but sometimes even the nicer members of the upper castes were condescending.
I caught Aspen"s face once more as my eyes swept the crowd. He looked pained. It was the polar opposite of the face he"d worn with Brenna a few minutes ago. Another game? I broke my gaze.
The mayor finished speaking, and I smiled and everyone cheered, as if he"d just given the most inspiring speech known to man.
And suddenly it was time to say good-bye. Mitsy, my aide, told me to say my farewells quietly and briefly, and then she"d escort me back to the car that would take me to the airport.
Kota hugged me, telling me he was proud of me. Then, not so subtly, he told me to mention his art to Prince Maxon. I wiggled out of that embrace as gracefully as I could.
Kenna was crying.
"I barely see you as it is. What will I do when you"re gone?" she cried.
"Don"t worry. I"ll be home soon enough."
"Yeah, right! You"re the most beautiful girl in Illea. He"ll love you!"
Why did everyone think it all came down to beauty? Maybe it did. Maybe Prince Maxon didn"t need a wife to speak to, just someone to look pretty. I actually shivered, considering that as my future. But there were many girls much more attractive than me going.
Kenna was hard to hug over her pregnant belly, but we managed. James, who I really didn"t know that well, hugged me, too. Then it was Gerad.
"Be a good boy, okay? Try the piano. I"ll bet you"re amazing. I expect to hear it all when I come home."
Gerad just nodded, abruptly sad. He threw his tiny arms around me.
"I love you, America."
"I love you, too. Don"t be sad. I"ll be home soon."
He nodded again, but crossed his arms to pout. I"d had no idea he"d take my leaving this way. It was the exact opposite of May. She was bouncing on her toes, absolutely giddy.
"Oh, America, you"re going to be the princess! I know it!"
"Oh, hush! I"d rather be an Eight and stay with you any day. Just be good for me, and work hard."
She nodded and bounced some more, and then it was time for Dad, who was close to tears.
"Daddy! Don"t cry." I fell into his arms.
"Listen to me, kitten. Win or lose, you"ll always be a princess to me."
"Oh, Daddy." I finally started to cry. That was all it took to unleash the fear, the sadness, the worry, the nerves-the one sentence that meant none of it mattered.
If I came back used and unwanted, he"d still be proud of me.
It was too much to bear, to be loved that much. I"d be surrounded by scores of guards at the palace, but I couldn"t imagine a place safer than my father"s arms. I pulled away and turned to hug Mom.
"Do whatever they tell you. Try to stop sulking and be happy. Behave. Smile. Keep us posted. Oh! I just knew you"d turn out to be special."
It was meant to be sweet, but it wasn"t what I needed to hear. I wished she could have said that I was already something special to her, like I was to my father. But I guessed she would never stop wanting more for me, more from me. Maybe that"s what mothers did.
"Lady America, are you ready?" Mitsy asked. My face was away from the crowd, and I quickly wiped away my tears.
"Yes. All ready."
My bag was waiting in the shiny white car. This was it. I started to walk to the edge of the stage to the stairs.
"Mer!"
I turned. I"d know that voice anywhere.
"America!"
I searched and found Aspen"s flailing arms. He was pushing the crowd aside, people protesting at his not-so-gentle shoves.
Our eyes met.
He stopped and stared. I couldn"t read his face. Worry? Regret? Whatever it was, it was too late. I shook my head. I was done with Aspen"s games.
"This way, Lady America," Mitsy instructed from the bottom of the stairs. I gave myself a quick second to absorb my new name.
"Good-bye, sweetheart," my mother called.
And I was led away.
CHAPTER 8.
I WAS THE FIRST ONE to the airport, and I was beyond terrified. The giddy excitement of the crowd had faded, and now I was faced with the horrific experience of flying. I would be traveling with three other Selected girls, and I tried to get control of my nerves. I really didn"t want to have a panic attack in front of them.
I"d already memorized the names, faces, and castes of all the Selected. It started as a therapeutic exercise, something to calm me down. I did the same thing with memorizing scales and bits of trivia. Originally, I had been looking for friendly faces, girls I might want to spend time with while I was there. I"d never really had a friend. I"d spent most of my childhood playing with Kenna and Kota. Mom did all my schooling, and she was the only person I worked with. When the older siblings moved on, I dedicated myself to May and Gerad. And Aspen...
But Aspen and I were never just friends. From the moment I became truly aware of him, I was in love with him.
Now he was holding some other girl"s hand.
Thank goodness I was alone. I couldn"t have handled the tears in front of the other girls. It ached. I ached. And there was nothing I could do.
How in the h.e.l.l did I get here? A month ago, I was sure of everything in my life, and now any little piece of familiarity was gone. New home, new caste, new life. All because of a stupid piece of paper and a picture. I wanted to sit and cry, to mourn for everything I"d lost.
I wondered if any of the others girls were sad today. I imagined that everyone except for me was celebrating. And I at least needed to look like I was too, because everyone would be watching.
I braced myself for all that was coming, and I made myself be brave. As for everything I was leaving behind, I decided I"d do just that: leave him behind. The palace would be my sanctuary. I"d never think or say his name again. He wasn"t allowed to come with me there-my own rule for this little adventure.
No more.
Good-bye, Aspen.
About half an hour later, two girls in white shirts and black pants just like mine walked through the doors with their own aides hauling their bags. They were both smiling, confirming my thought that I was the only one of the Selected who might be depressed today.
It was time to follow through on my promise. I put on a smile and stood to shake their hands.
"Hi," I said brightly. "I"m America."
"I know!" said the girl on the right. She was a blonde with brown eyes. I recognized her immediately as Marlee Tames of Kent. A Four. She didn"t bother with my extended hand; she moved in for an immediate hug.
"Oh!" I exhaled. I hadn"t expected that. Though Marlee was one of the girls whose faces seemed genuine and friendly, Mom had been telling me for the last week to look at these girls as enemies, and her offensive thinking had leaked into my own. So here I was expecting at the very best a cordial welcome from the girls who were prepared to fight me to the death for someone I didn"t want. Instead I was embraced.
"I"m Marlee and this is Ashley." Yes, Ashley Brouillette of Allens, Three. She had blond hair, too, but much lighter than Marlee"s. And her eyes were very blue, which looked delicate in her peaceful face. She seemed fragile next to Marlee.
They were both from the North; I guessed that was why they came together. Ashley gave a neat little wave and smiled, but that was it. I wasn"t sure if she was shy or if she was already trying to figure us out. Maybe it was that she was a Three by birth and knew to behave better.
"I love your hair!" Marlee gushed. "I wish I"d been born with red hair. It makes you look so alive. I hear that people with red hair have bad tempers. Is that true?"