Undoubtedly it was, to some extent--but I know that I have always been too suspicious in that direction. Had I been braver about it, I should have been less suspicious.
One friend I did make: a lieutenant-adjutant whose first name was Sydney and who was in charge of the punishment marks that were allotted us for our various misdemeanors. Many a time did Sydney, for my sake, forget to record the two or four marks which some crabbed teacher had charged against me for inattention or disorderly conduct.
He was a big, handsome chap, with the most attractive manners I have ever met. He was a scholarship boy--so that he had begun his school year with a hundred and one unpleasant tasks to perform. But somehow or other he had managed to be rid of them all excepting this dignified one of "keeping the books"--and I am sure it must have been a lucrative one, in a small way, for Sydney"s room was full of pictures which had been given him from other boys" rooms, of canes and banners--even of a half dozen pair of patent leather shoes--which may or may not have come to him in return for his apt juggling of those hated punishment marks.
I am not attempting to judge him--and I will tell you much more of him later on--but I must remember him as one of the most wonderful of friends: always smiling, always ready to join in upon whatever lark was planning--a bit of a daredevil, very much of a protector when the bullies of the school were pressing too close for comfort.
During the year, of course, I saw or heard nothing that could remind me of my Faith. We had to go to church on Sunday mornings. I was given my choice, and tried accompanying one squad after another. I went to the Episcopal, the Methodist, the Presbyterian--and it was the last that I finally selected for good. There was a splendid old pastor there; his white hair and trumpeting voice gave him venerableness, even when he spoke of things that seemed to me very childish and obvious.
Once the commandant, twirling his mustaches, asked me whether I should not like to go to the synagogue on Friday nights (there was a small one at the edge of the town). I did not care much about the religious inspiration to be gained from the Hebrew service, but I did think it would be jolly fun to be allowed to go down into the town at night. And yet I knew that some of my schoolmates would come to know why I went, and what sort of services I attended, and--reluctantly--I declined the opportunity.
I do not know what the b.u.mptious commandant thought of it, but he pulled his mustaches very, very hard.
VI
MY STEERFORTH
I wish I could write this episode in quite a different tone from all the others. I wish I could summon all the tenderness of which boyhood has--and which it loses--and put it into the lines of the recital that is now due. Because, then, perhaps, you would have some knowledge and appreciation of what the last few months of my stay at the military school meant for me.
David Copperfield had his Steerforth. Every boy must have one.
Certainly, _I_ did. And I worshipped him with all the ardor and unquestioning devotion that could come fresh from a boy-heart which had never yet given itself to friendship. Steerforth was a villain; but in David"s eye he was always, unalterably, a glorious hero. This is how it was, perhaps, with Sydney--though he was no villain, I am sure.
I spoke of him in my last chapter: told you that he was a poor student, much in favor with the commandant for his good services. I have told you, he was tall, fair-haired, with locks that waved back from his white forehead (as Steerforth"s did, as I remember) and merry, blue eyes.
He befriended me because it was of his generous nature to befriend all the lonelier boys. He used to pal with all the school "freaks," to counsel them, to drill them privately, so that they should be more proficient on parade. He used to make me very jealous of his large circle of small worshippers. I thought that privilege ought to be kept for me alone.
He used to read with me, on spring nights, in the school"s dingy library. We read "David Copperfield" together; and would glance up from the page to watch, from the windows, the pale but glowing battle of sunset colors over the hills and mirrored in the darkling stretch of the Hudson. And sometimes, when the story would not give us respite, he would smuggle the book up into the dormitory--and when all was dark there, and the proctor slept, we would creep into the hall and read by its dusky light until long into the night. I have read "David Copperfield" again since then--but not with so exquisite a thrill.
And reading of Steerforth, I used to look up at Sydney and imagine that he was that fine, attractive fellow--and that I, dumb but ecstatic in my pride of friendship, was little David.
It seemed so wonderful to me, especially, that he was a Christian and I a Jew, and yet there had never been any question of difference between us. Other boys who had given me something of their friendship had made such a brave point of telling me that they didn"t mind my being a Jew--that there were just as many good Jews as there were bad ones--and all those other stupid and inevitable remarks that we must swallow and forget. But with Sydney it was not like that. He had never mentioned it, and it seemed as if he knew that I dreaded the subject--and so kept silent on it out of kindness.
Sometimes, when the days were warm and the trees were budding, we went off together on long walks through the country. Sydney taught me to smoke cigarettes, and we would stop on our way at a little village store that lay at the end of a hilly road.
An old man, who was an invalid, owned the store. But he sat all day at his little card table in the dark, untidy rear, playing solitaire; and it was his young daughter who would wait on us behind the counter.
She was a thin, dull-looking girl, scarcely pretty, yet with large, sombre eyes that her lonely task explained. She was ignorant, I am sure, and knew little of what went on in the town at the river"s edge or in the big city, fifty-odd miles away. But there was something pathetic about her position--and when Sydney made it more and more a custom to talk to her, to make friendly advances, I thought it only the big generosity of his heart pouring out to succor another such shy soul as mine.
Once or twice it was not until evening that we could steal "off bounds,"
and then we would make straight for the little store, as if we knew that, if we did not hurry, it would be closed for the night. And we would have only a few hurried words, but laughing, with the girl--and she would look up at Sydney with a light in those big eyes of hers that I had never seen before in any woman"s. She left her counter, once, and walked all the way home with us; and I saw, in the blue of the gloaming, that her hand was tightly clasped in Sydney"s, and that he whispered things to her under his breath, as soon as I was gone a little way ahead of them, and that they both laughed--and she looked up at him as a dumb animal to its master. She came as far as the school gate; and after I had gotten within, they stood for a moment together--and I thought I could hear the sound of kissing. It was only then that I began to be troubled.
Sydney, who was a lieutenant in the cadet battalion, had more privileges than I. He could leave the premises when he pleased. He never had to sign the big book in the hall when leaving and arriving back. He needed never to give account of what he did "off bounds." It was an easy matter for him--and there were many times, now, that he went off alone. No one knew why he used to take that little country road that led up the hill towards a stupid old country store. No one, that is, but me.
At first I did not think much of the girl"s side of it. I was bitterly disappointed that some one else had come between my friend and me. I was jealous of all the time he spent with her, of the hours of reading and walking and jesting that once were mine--and of which the lure of her had robbed me.
But once, when we were at the store, and I stood aside from them, watching the humped back of her old father, bent over his card table, and saw the feeble shaking of his hand, I began to comprehend what it might mean to him if anything should happen. Not that I knew what might happen. I was still very young--but I felt the chill foreboding of tragedy lurking somewhere in the background of it all. The dingy little shop, with its flyspecked gla.s.s cases and its dusty rows of untouched stock; the lights dimmed and blackened by cl.u.s.ters of whirling insects; the old father with his bent back--and the two of them standing there and laughing, gazing into each other"s faces with the look of youth and the Springtime.
And I went out quickly and stumbled my way home alone, leaving Sydney to follow after.
When Sydney came in, after taps, I stole from my bed to his to speak to him of it. But the words would not form themselves suitably, and he laughed at my poor stammerings, and sent me off to bed again.
But one night, just before "tattoo," when the fruit trees were frothing with light blossoms and the scent of lilacs was heavy in the air, Sydney sent for me. He was officer-of-the-day, today, and could not leave the premises. He wanted me to go in his place, to meet the girl and to explain why he could not keep his appointment.
I looked at him in amazement. "Do you mean to say, you"ve been meeting her every night. As late as this? Alone?"
He was playing with the ta.s.sel at the end of the red sash which the officer-of-the-day wears about his waist. He let it drop and gave me a quick glance.
"Yes," he said, "and mind you don"t tell anybody, either. You"ll have to sneak off bounds--but I"ll see you don"t run much of a risk. You can leave that part to me."
Then, when he saw me hesitate, he began to plead. "Oh, say, you won"t go back on me, will you? I"ve been a good friend to you and done you lots of favors--and now when I ask you to take a little risk for me...."
I smiled. "You don"t understand, Sydney," I said. "It isn"t the risk."
"Then what is it?"
"It"s--it"s the girl."
He stepped back from me, and his face took on a coldness I had never seen before. "Don"t worry about that," he exclaimed. "That"s my business."
Then, as I hesitated, he burst out: "Hurry up, now, you little Jew!"
I stood very still for a minute. Then I felt my face flush hot and I flung away from him.
It had come at last. He, my best friend--my only friend--he had called me a Jew!
I wanted to scream back at him, to beat him with my fist, to denounce him and curse him. I felt betrayed, degraded as I had never been before.
Then I gulped hard and controlled myself.
I said nothing. I merely saluted and set off upon his errand.
But I did not find the girl at the street corner he had mentioned. I went on, only a few hundred yards, to the store. There was a dim blue light in one of its windows, and I crept up and pressed my face against the gla.s.s, knowing that she was probably sitting up and waiting.
Yes, she was there--behind the counter with her shawl still over her head and her eyes fixed on the cheap wall clock. She could not see me in the darkness outside--not even when she turned her head and gave me a full view of her face, so that I could see how strangely pale and set it was, and how deeply lurking in her eyes was the fear of the moment.
I did not go in and tell her anything. I could not. The sight of her and the appeal of her thin, tragic little body sent me hurrying back with my errand uncompleted--and glad, madly glad that it was so.
I crept up to bed as soon as I was "in bounds" again. I wanted to avoid Sydney. Nor would I give him a chance to speak to me the next morning. I felt that I knew now, almost in its entirety, the scheme he was laying--and the climax which was fast approaching. And, after having seen her, as I did last night, I knew that I could never go walking with him again or have more to do with him, and that I must go back to her, some day soon, traitor-wise, and warn her against him who had been my best friend.
In the afternoon, after school was done, a crowd of us obtained permission to go swimming in a nearby lake. Sydney was among us: the leader of us, in fact. He tried to speak to me--perhaps he was going to apologize to me for having called me a Jew--I do not know. But, though I did not give him the chance, I remember well how tall and brave he looked, and how his hair waved back from his forehead like Steerforth"s.
And like Steerforth, too, he was drowned.
Schoolboys are careless of their swimming. We did not notice until it was long too late that Sydney had disappeared. When his body was recovered, the doctors worked over it for fully two hours. But it was no use.