So now an infant, or at least the potential of an infant, was unexpectedly placed before Mabel, and she was tempted to accept it as a gift. Perhaps it was fate. Everything had led to this moment when at last her wish was granted.
And it was the right thing to do, wasnat it? How could a girl who lived alone in the wilderness, a mere child herself, keep an infant warm and safe and cared for? Whereas she and Jack, as old as they were, were equipped to raise the baby. They had a home, a living. The child would have a clean bed to sleep in and warm food on its plate. When the time came, the child could go to school in town and compete in spelling bees and draw lovely, silly little pictures for them.
Mabel allowed herself this brief daydream, then pushed it away. As much as she had ever wanted a baby, this one wasnat hers to take. It was Fainaas, and she at last told her so.
The girl was poised to run, the way she had so many times before. To the forest. To the wild. Away. Mabel reached up and took one of her hands, gently coaxing her to sit beside her.
You canat run, child. Not from this. It is within you.
Fainaas thin fingers, like the cool, pale bones of a bird, rested in Mabelas hand. How different from her own crooked hands, warm and heavy and spotted with age.
You will have help, Mabel said gently. From all of us. Me and Jack. And Esther. Sheas the most generous woman I have ever known, and she will be only too eager to help. And thereas Garrett, too.
The girl cast her eyes down.
You must tell him, Faina. Now that you understand what is happening, that you two have created a child and it is growing inside you. Now that you know, you must tell him.
He will be angry.
No. He wonat. Heall be scared, like you, but he wonat be angry. He loves you. And I believe in him, just as I believe in you.
Faina left her sitting alone at the picnic table, and Mabel shivered inside her coat and crossed her arms tightly. It was a lonely, forlorn act, giving up a child. Faina, a frightened wisp of a thing, disappeared into the forest, and Mabel was angry at the injustice of ita"that she should have wanted a baby so dearly and be denied one, and that this young girl should be cursed with one as a burden she might not have the strength to bear.
aFaina is pregnant.a Mabel knew it was a terrible habit, waiting for dinner to tell Jack bad news, but it was one of the few quiet moments they had together. This time, though, she feared she might have unintentionally killed him. He was choking, coughing until his face was a horrid reddish purple. It went on long enough that She got to her feet, prepared to strike him on the back to dislodge the object, but then he was able to stop and clear his throat. Mabel waited for him to speak, but he didnat.
aSheas pregnant, Jack.a aI heard you.a aSoaa aSo?a aWell, donat you have anything to say?a aWhat is there to say? Itas entirely our fault. She was more innocent than a child has ever been, and we were the only ones who could protect her. We let this happen.a aOh, Jack. Why does it always have to be somebodyas fault?a aBecause it always is.a aNo. Sometimes these things happen. Life doesnat go the way we plan or hope, but we donat have to be so angry, do we?a He continued eating, but without any pleasure as far as Mabel could tell. It was as if he was gagging down each bite. Finally he gave up and pushed his plate away.
aThereall be a wedding, I suppose?a The disgusted expression hadnat left his face.
aOh. Well. No one has spoken of it.a aThere will be a wedding,a and it was a hard, clear statement that left no room for argument.
aWeall have to share the news with Garrett and Faina, then,a and she gave her husband an ironic smile. aBut I agree. Itas the only way.a It wasnat until that night, as she lay in bed considering wedding plans, that she thought of the fairy tale. She climbed out of bed and in her bare feet lit a candle and went to the bookshelf. She removed her loose sketches from the book as she opened it on the table, and then she flipped through the color plates until she found the one she remembered. It was a forest meadow, lush with green leaves and blooming flowers. The snow maiden, her white gown glittering in jewels and her head crowned with wildflowers, stood beside a handsome young man. Fair Spring was before them, performing the wedding ceremony. Overhead, the sun shone brightly.
Mabel wanted to slam the book closed, throw it into the woodstove, and watch it burn in the flames. Instead she turned the pages until she came to the ill.u.s.tration she dreaded. There was the crown of wildflowers, no longer on the snow maidenas head, but blooming from the earth like a grave marker. She put a hand over her lips, though it was unnecessary. She made no sound.
Jack stirred in bed. Mabel gathered the sketches and slid them back into the book before returning it to the shelf. It would be a long time before she looked at it again, and never would she speak of it.
CHAPTER 49.
Jack was calm. He could undo nothing, but at least he had a plan of action.
It began when Garrett came to him a few days after Mabelas news about Faina. He a.s.sumed the young man had returned to finish the fight or to end all a.s.sociation. Instead he came with his hat in his hands.
aIam here to ask permission to marry Faina. I know weare young, and I donat have much to offer her, but weare bound together now, and I mean to make the best of it.a It was like a blow to the chest, and Jack had to sit down in a kitchen chair. Garrett stood by, shifting on his feet and clearing his throat.
He hadnat seen this coming. He was sure they would marry; he had a.s.sumed Garrett would take responsibility. But the boy came to hima"Jacka"to ask permission.
It hadnat happened instantly, the way he had always imagined, with a gush of blood and a piercing wail, but instead fatherhood had arrived quietly, gradually, over the course of years, and he had been blind to it. And now, just as he finally understood that a daughter had been flitting in and out of his life, now he was being asked to let her go.
aIall do good by her. You have my word.a Jackas focus returned to the boy, and when he looked up at the earnest face, he saw what Mabel had tried to tell hima"Garrett did love the girl. But was that enough? The boy had betrayed his trust, lied to him under his own roof, and taken advantage of circ.u.mstances. Jack eased himself out of the chair until he stood eye to eye with Garrett.
aYou will do good by her,a Jack said, and it wasnat an agreement but a command. He reached out to Garrett, and they shook hands like two men who had only just met and werenat yet certain of each other.
That night Jackas plan came to him, and he woke Mabel.
aWeall build them a home, here on our homestead.a aWhat? Jack, what time is it?a aWeall build them a cabin down by the river. That way Garrett will be close to the farm, but theyall have their own place.a aHmmm?a Mabel was still half asleep, but he went on.
aFaina and the baby will be close to you, so you can help. Weall start building right after planting. Maybe we can even have the wedding there.a aWhere? Wedding?a aHere, Mabel. Theyare going to live here, near us. Itall be good.a aHmmm?a But Jack let her drift back into sleep. He was satisfied.
He noticed the way the clean morning light slanted in through the window and lit up the side of Fainaas face, and he wondered if it was always so hard, being a father. Theyad finished a pot of tea and a few slices of bread with blueberry jam, and he was left with no other way around the conversation head promised Mabel. At the kitchen counter, Mabel tried to wash the dishes silently. She never washed them in the morning, but now each plate, each fork, was wiped and rinsed and dried as if it were made of precious china, for she was straining to hear.
Jack cleared his throat, hoping to sound fatherly.
Faina? Is this what you want?
Itas what you do when you love someone, isnat it?
Your life is going to change. You wonat be able to disappear into the woods for weeks at a time. Youall be a mother, a wife. Do you understand what that means?
Faina tilted her head to the side in a half shrug, but then she focused her blue eyes on Jack, and their clarity seized him. Her face carried the same look he had seen many times before, a startling blend of youth and wisdom, frailty and fierceness. He saw it when she had scattered snow across her fatheras grave, when she had appeared at their door with her hands smeared with blood. It wasnat sorrow or love, disappointment or knowledge; it was everything at once.
I do love him. And our baby. I know that.
So you want to marry him?
We belong together.
Jack had expected to be happy. Isnat that what a father should feel? Joy? Not this grief-laden heart? They had hidden their love affair and created a child out of wedlock, but something more weighed on him. Faina would never again be the little girl he had seen darting through the winter trees, her feet light on the snow and her eyes like river ice. She had been magic in their lives, coming and going with the seasons, bringing treasures from the wilderness in her small hands. That child was gone, and Jack found himself mourning her.
CHAPTER 50.
The strawberry plants were just beginning to green and send out their reddish-purple runners. Mabel bent from plant to plant and with a pair of shears snipped off last yearas growth and tossed the curled, brown leaves to the side. When she reached the end of the raised bed, she stood, slid the shears into the pocket of her gardening ap.r.o.n, and pushed the wide brim of her straw hat up from her forehead.
It was still there. The very last patch of snow in the yard, banked in the shade against the north side of the cabin where it had drifted the deepest. It had dwindled in the warming days until all that remained was a circle the size of a wagon wheel.
She squinted up at the sun, already white hot in the sky, and pushed up her dress sleeves. It would be a scorcher, as Garrett was fond of saying. He and Jack were working in shirtsleeves as they planted the fields. They would come home sunburned, she was certain.
Mabel pulled her hat brim down to shade her eyes again, took the rake from where it leaned against a fence post, and began scratching and prodding at the strawberry garden, loosening the soil, cleaning up the rows. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched sunlight glisten off the white snow. It would soon be gone.
She had thought often of Adaas words about inventing new endings to stories and choosing joy over sorrow. In recent years she had decided her sister had been in part wrong. Suffering and death and loss were inescapable.
And yet, what Ada had written about joy was entirely true. When she stands before you with her long, naked limbs and her mysterious smile, you must embrace her while you can.
When Faina stepped out of the spruce forest, the sunas rays struck her and set her blond hair alight in a peculiar golden silver, so that even from across the yard Mabel was reminded of starlit fairies and fireflies. Fainaas puppy, grown lanky and big footed, panted up at her and followed her across the yard.
The girlas lean arms and legs were bare. She wore only the plain cotton dress with its pattern of blue flowers that Mabel had sewed for her. Her stride was long and sure as she moved through the newly sprouted gra.s.s and beneath the leafing cottonwood tree, and as she neared Mabel saw that her skin was tanned. She wore no shoes or moccasins. Tall and lean, she showed no signs of pregnancy yet.
Faina stopped at the edge of the strawberry patch and crouched beside the dog. She put one hand beneath its chin and ran her other hand back between its ears, and the dog grinned as it had that first day. When she stood and silently gestured, the dog promptly lay in the dirt, still panting, its black fur gleaming.
She walked down the strawberry rows, and her bare feet pressed so firmly to the ground that Mabel could see the soil squish between her toes. She took Mabelas hands and kissed her on the cheek. When she let go, Mabel embraced her and held her for a long time, even as she could feel the heat of the sun on Fainaas back.
You look well, Mabel said.
I am, she said. I am.
CHAPTER 51.
Jack led Garrett down the wagon trail and out into a meadow within sight of the river.
aItas yours,a Jack said. aConsider it a wedding gift. Weall build the cabin right in here, facing toward the mountains.a aItas a fine place.a The very next evening, after they stopped planting for the day and ate dinner, he supposed Garrett had gone to sleep in the barn. He told Mabel he was going out for some fresh air, and he walked to the meadow. There he found Garrett with a shovel and an ax, rough sketching the outline of a cabin into the dirt.
The work had a rhythm and purpose, and Jack and Garrett fell into it with ease, even relief: the back-and-forth pull of the two-man saw and the thunderous crash of trees falling; the slide of the draw knife along the spruce logs, the bark peeling off in long strips; the chop and slice of the sharpened ax, each notch hand-carved. Love and devotion, the devastating hope and fear contained in a womanas swelling womba"these were left unspoken. At midnight, as they hefted another log into place, they could hear the red-breasted robins and dark-eyed juncos chirping in the trees, and that was enough.
By the time planting was done, they had the log walls up waist high, and it went faster now that they had all of each day. Jack let Garrett do the heaviest of the work, and at times he would sit on a log to rest his tired back and watch the younger man work. Mabel often came with lunch in a basket, and sometimes she would stay long enough to discuss where a window should go or what kind of front porch they should build.
Faina was nowhere to be seen. Jack a.s.sumed she and Garrett met alone sometimes, but the girl did not come to Jack and Mabelas for dinner. For once, it was Jack who worried.
aShouldnat she be resting, eating regular meals?a aSheas fine,a Mabel said.
aWhy isnat she here, staying with us until the wedding?a aSheas where she needs to be. She doesnat have much longer.a aMuch longer?a aHer life is going to change soon. Whatever else happens, she wonat be able to run through the woods like a sprite. Everything will be different.a aI suppose. I just want to make sure sheas safe and healthy.a aI know,a and Mabelas voice had a bittersweet acceptance in it that he had never heard before.
Faina came on a warm June day, she and the dog loping out of the trees as if they were halfway through a close race. Garrett was straddling the unfinished wall as Jack used a pulley to raise another log into place. Faina ran to them in bare feet and a short-sleeved dress, her arms and legs bronzed and muscled, her long hair bleached white by the sun.
She and Garrett gave each other shy smiles, and Jack felt like an intruder. Garrett jumped down from the log wall and led her through the rough-cut doorway and into the roofless cabin.
I know itas hard to see, with just the four walls, but over here, this will be the kitchen and the window will look out to the river. Wonat that be fine?
Faina nodded, but her gaze was distant, as if this all were a strange dream to her.
The woodstove will go here. And through there, thatall be our bedroom, and the babyas. I know itas not real big, but donat you think itall do?
Faina nodded once, slowly.
Garrett seemed unnerved by her silence.
Itall be OK, wonat it? Once we get some windows and doors in, itall feel like a real home. Donat you think, Jack? Itas coming together?
Jack started to say that yes, he thought it would be a dandy little cabin for a family starting out, but then he saw the girl smile up at Garrett, a tender, rea.s.suring smile. Jack was struck with the notion that perhaps she was the wiser and stronger of the two.
Faina stayed while the two men worked. She threw sticks for the dog. She ran through the tall, green gra.s.s around the cabin and picked bluebells and wild yellow asters, but her eyes kept to the trees. The dog ran, barking, to chase a squirrel into the woods, and Faina followed. When she reached the edge of the meadow, she looked over her shoulder and gave a small wave back toward the men.
aSheas leaving,a Garrett said.
aShe is, but sheall be back.a aI know. But sometimes I wonder.a aWhatas that?a aIf this is the best for hera"a baby. Me. If itas the right kind of life for her.a aToo late to change that now,a Jack said. He regretted his anger.
aMaybe she doesnat have to give up everything,a Garrett said. aYou know. Weall run traps together this winter, after the baby comes. Iall take her out in the woods and she can put out her little snares. It doesnat all have to change.a aIt will. Everything will change. But youall do the best you can.a Jack turned back to the cabin, because that was something a man could doa"fell trees and scribe-fit logs and build a home.
aCome on, now,a he said. aWeare almost to the ridgepole. Weave got to get this thing closed in before the big day.a
CHAPTER 52.
Thereas no way in h.e.l.l that cabin is going to be done in time for the wedding.a Estheras hands were on her hips as she stood looking up at the honey-colored logs. aJust a few more days, Mom. Thatas what he says to me. Weave almost got it wrapped up, he says. Why is it men always overestimate their own prowess?a Mabel smiled in spite of herself. aThey have done a great deal.a aSure they have. But I tell you, it wonat have a roof on it before Sunday.a aPerhaps thatas all right.a Mabel thought of Faina looking up through the logs into an open sky, and somehow it was comforting.
aItas all good, as long as thereas not a drop of rain or a single mosquitoa in Alaskaa in July.a Esther made no attempt to hide her sarcasm. Then she hoisted her overall straps like a man and shrugged. aAh well. When youare young, everything is romantic, right? Even a cabin without a roof.a aIt is lovely. Iave already sewed some curtains for the windows. And George tells me youare making them a quilt.a aYep. And it will be done by Sunday.a Esther laughed at herself and added, aI might not sleep much this week, eh? But howas the dress coming?a aIt is finished, but Faina has secret plans. Sheas been working on it these past few nights at our house. She waits until we go to bed, and then she stays up at the table doing something, but she wonat tell me what.a aShe is an odd duck, isnat she?a Mabel had never thought of Faina in those terms, but the girl was peculiar, and even unconventional Esther could have misgivings about her son marrying her. A fascinating stranger was one thing, a daughter-in-law quite another.
aIt is truea"I have never met another person like Faina,a Mabel said, choosing her words carefully. aBut then, Iave never met anyone like you before, either.a aAll right. All right. Iall give you that one. And I know I should count my blessings that someone is willing and able to put up with that son of mine.a aShe doesnat just put up with him. I think sheas quite taken with him.a aHmmm.a Esther sounded doubtful.
aThey have a great deal in common. They love this place, and each other.a aBut who is she? Sheas a wild thing from the mountains. More times than not, Garrett doesnat even know where she is. When sheas saddled with a screaming brat and a sinkful of dirty dishes, what then? Is she going to stick around long enough to be a wife and a mother?a Mabelas throat was swelling shut. She walked around the corner of the cabin, pretending to inspect the other wall. Esther was instantly at her side.
aOh, Mabel. I meant no offense. I know sheas like a daughter to you, and my son surely loves her. Thatall have to do for the rest of us, wonat it?a Mabel smiled and nodded and blinked away tears. The two women hugged and hooked arms to walk back to Jack and Mabelas.
The nightmares had returned. Naked, crying babies melted as she held them, and dripped to the ground even as she tried to close her fingers and cup her hands. Sometimes she clutched the infants to her chest, only to realize that the warmth of her own body was the cause of their demise.
Then there was Fainaa"her face would appear in the trees like a scene through a rain-streaked windowpane. In her dream, Mabel would run outside and it would be raining the way it did back home in the summer, a blinding, warm downpour. She would call Fainaas name, try to run through the forest to find her, but the rain would fill her eyes and mouth and she would wake gasping. In another dream, Mabel stood hip deep in the river and clenched Fainaas wet hands as the current pulled her downstream. Mabel would try to hold on, but she was never strong enough, and Faina would slip from her grasp and be carried away in the silty water. The girl would flail her arms and cry for Mabel to help, please, please, help, but she would be unable to move. She would stand and watch as her beautiful daughter drowned at her feet. Never in these dreams could Mabel cry or move or even speak a word.
The day of the wedding came, and Esther was righta"the cabin wasnat finished, but it was all the more lovely, like a cathedral sculpted of trees and sky. Mabel walked there in the morning and was grateful to be alone. It had become a holy place, the sound of the river, the fragrance of the freshly peeled spruce logs, the blue sky, the green meadow. The cottonwood trees were blooming, and the downy white seeds floated on the breeze like feathers.
Jack was back at their own place, loading the wagon with tables and chairs to haul to the cabin. George and Esther were coming just before the ceremony so they could bring the food for afterward. Garrettas oldest brother would marry them. He wasnat a pastor, or even one to attend church regularly, but Garrett had wanted him to perform the ceremony, and no one objected. Though he was a well-spoken man, Mabel would have preferred an ordained minister but never said so. The brothers, along with their wives and children, would be the only other guests at the wedding. No one else was invited; that much Mabel had insisted upon.
They had curtained off a section of the unfinished cabin with white sheets so that Faina could put on her dress and prepare herself. She had not yet appeared this morning, and she had the wedding gown with her.
Mabel had sewed the dress from raw silk Esther had given her, leftovers from her oldest daughter-in-lawas wedding gown.
aShe had to have yards and yards of the stuff,a Esther said. aShe wanted ruffles and pleats and layers. It was a miracle we could see her through it all. All I can say is, Iam glad her parents paid for the dress to be made.a The ivory-hued silk was shipped from a specialty shop in San Francisco, and had certainly cost more than Mabel and Jack could have afforded, but Esther insisted that no one else had any use for the remnants. Mabel did not resist too mucha"the fabric was exquisite, weighted and fine and textured.