She was ashamed of herself for being so happy; and full of qualms she held her hand out to him gratefully.
"May I hope that in my capacity of Walter"s representative I have chanced in a measure to satisfy your taste?"
There was no more thought of refusing.
CHAPTER VI
The mottled golden tops of the chestnuts grew paler, the gaps ever wider that the autumn ate into the foliage. Where a soothing green had cut off the view, now glittered the bright wavelets of the ca.n.a.l. Long barges, laboriously pushed by poles, trailed along in their c.u.mbersome fashion, and the s.h.a.ggy watchdogs barked up at the aristocratic windows.
Grey, rainy days came stealing upon the city like an enemy, and loneliness laid its octopus clutch on Lilly"s breast.
But her work! Yes, she had her work. So long as the first infatuation had lasted and Lilly felt she might hope for some realisation of her plans, she had clung to her work day and night.
But the hoped-for turn of events never came. The announcements she had had printed remained unheeded. Mr. Dehnicke, sole purchaser of her goods, begged her--with a hesitating, embarra.s.sed manner, to be sure, yet explicitly enough--not to be hasty, since the general state of the market was dull.
By degrees her zest in her profession began to languish. She gave up going to Mr. Kellermann for lessons, especially since his insistence upon setting free his "chained beauty" grew steadily more annoying. She locked the half-filled sample closets and completed none but the pieces Mr. Dehnicke ordered.
Oh, those dark, pitiless days, which no laughter brightened, no waiting shortened, and no purpose bound together.
The kitchen was ruled by a young maid, ever silent, whose eyes were greedy and too knowing. Each morning, while the little canary peeped, the fish were given fresh water.
It was somewhat better in the evening when the lights were lit and the crystal chandelier radiated a brilliant white light. Lilly would then wander from room to room changing the position of this or that ornament and constantly rea.s.suring herself how beautifully she lived and how happy she was.
But of what avail was the old rose carpet with its vague vine pattern, the wine-coloured furniture, and the bronze bodies looking as if a golden breath had blown over them? Those bronze bodies whose innermost being after all was nothing more than a zinc alloy, having originated in the factory of Liebert & Dehnicke. Of what avail the charming secretaire and the writing paper with the golden coronet stamped on it, of which Mr. Dehnicke had immediately ordered five hundred sheets? There was n.o.body to rejoice with her, n.o.body whom her longing brought to her side.
She would often seat herself at the piano and let her fingers stray over the keys. But she did not get the pleasure out of playing that she had antic.i.p.ated. Her father"s discipline had long lost its effects. She had forgotten the pieces she had once known by heart, and she lacked the calm and patience to learn all over again.
Yes, it was strange what disquiet would seize her the instant she touched the keys, a feeling of dread, an antic.i.p.ation of impending danger, a consciousness of her own unworthiness.
She could not keep on; she had to shut down the lid and take to wandering again from room to room until her legs wearied and ten o"clock summoned her to bed.
In those joyless, unoccupied days, a piercing, stinging desire for man awoke in her, causing her nerves to tingle and a sweet, tormenting shudder to thrill her body.
The whole of the two long years her senses had been mute. Tears of regret had drowned that which the colonel"s senile depravity had enkindled, and the weeks of love with Walter von Prell had fanned into lively flames. Drowned it forever, it seemed. But there it stood again, transporting and shaming and refusing to be silenced by prayers or reproach.
Often she felt she would have to run out on the street just to catch the glance of any stranger--as in the Dresden days--and see desire flare up in eyes veiled with yearning.
But the people she might encounter on the street were rough and common.
The mere thought of them made her tremble.
The only time she went out was to visit her former landlady.
The walk lasted a full hour, and before she had reached her former home, many a nave admirer, many a keen _boulevardier_, had bobbed up beside her and tried to enter into a pleasant conversation. She always ran to the other side of the street, shaking herself. Sometimes, yes, sometimes, she would have liked to reply.
When she lay in bed with closed eyes, she dreamed of strong-willed, sharply cut men"s faces, to which she looked up in yielding happiness.
She often dreamed, too, of Mr. Dehnicke, good, sound, loyal Mr.
Dehnicke.
If he were to come to her some day and falter in that guilty way of his which she liked so well: "I love you inordinately, and want you to marry me," what would she say to him?
Each time she thought this a furtive sense of comfort stole over her.
As for the man who by full right stood closest to her, she never dreamed of him. Sometimes, it is true, when her longings did not know where to strike root, those anxious yet blissful November nights would recur to her. But the part of hero might have been played by any other man as well as Walter.
Walter himself had grown to be a sort of tyrannical conscience with her.
She loved him--of course! How could she help loving him? He was her "betrothed," and he was working for her. But sometimes, when she stood in front of the sofa and felt his cold, blue eyes resting upon her haughtily and masterfully, and she recalled the sorry, inconstant little fellow he actually had been, she felt a desire to shake off everything that came from him and held her under a spell, as one tries to rid oneself of a preposterous nightmare.
If only Mr. Dehnicke had not kept alluding to him with so much devotion and respect, treating himself as the modest agent, who would have to render account to his dear friend, when that dear friend would return in honour and glory.
Mr. Dehnicke came punctually twice a week to inquire after her health and drink tea. He would leave in time to reach his office before it was closed for the day. These scant hours were always a festival for her.
What wonder? She had no one beside him. He was the only person who bound her to the rest of the world and brought incident and interest into her life.
She spent hours in fixing up the tea table, in trying different ways of lighting the room, in arranging the flowers, and standing before the mirror--for him.
When he came at last and sat opposite her, they conversed long and seriously about the cares that oppressed him, the plans he was revolving in his mind, his disgust at the artists who considered it a disgrace to work for the trade, and did so only if the pistol was held to their heads, and then disdainfully, clenching their teeth; his trashy compet.i.tors, who built palaces in order to throw dust in the eyes of the buyers, and who thereby had forced him to transform his good old business place in accordance with modern ideas of decoration.
Most distressing of all was his clientele. The artistic ideals of the metropolis in a measure made a moral demand upon him to go over to the secession and place on the market long-necked, narrow-hipped bodies in distorted att.i.tudes. The real public, however, the well-intentioned public with purchasing power, would have nothing to do with all that rubbish. It clung to knights and high-born dames, to maidens plucking flowers or carrying water, to fighting stags and swinging monkeys. So he stood between the devil and the deep sea. On the one hand was the danger that people would ridicule him as old-fashioned, on the other hand, the danger of losing most of his old hereditary customers. So he had to steer carefully along a middle course, and that was extremely difficult.
He also spoke frequently of the factory, with its hundreds of industrious hands, who laboured day after day for the prosperity of the house; and of the alterations being made in his yard and sample room, which, to judge by the architect"s plans and the sum he calculated they would cost, would produce something worth seeing.
But what doesn"t compet.i.tion force a man to do?
Lilly listened with shining eyes.
She shared in all his activities. She wanted to see everything and experience it with him, not only the renovation of the sample room, but also the doings in the factory with its machines, its clatter of wheels, its hissing of flames, and screeching of files. She never wearied of questioning. She had to know how the workmen looked and behaved, their wages, their lot in life, and what became of them. She felt that there in his factory was real existence, while her life was nothing but a dull, idle waking dream.
"Oh, how happy you must be," she often cried out admiringly, "to have so many souls in your keeping!"
"If the whole bunch of them didn"t keep you in a stew all the time," he rejoined.
But she would not admit the qualification.
He was certainly a beneficent G.o.d to them all, she said, even if he did not feel it himself. He must be, because of his power and his good heart.
Mr. Dehnicke gladly listened to such expressions. While she was speaking he would jump up abruptly, as if seized by a mighty, revolutionary idea, pace up and down the room excitedly, then stop in front of her and stare down at her with a dark solicitous look in his eyes, apparently unable to reach some great decision against which he was struggling.
Lilly pretended not to notice his behaviour, though she knew exactly what was fermenting in his soul.
"Let him alone, don"t help him," she thought. "He must do whatever he wants to do of his own impulse. Otherwise he will bear me a grudge."
If only there hadn"t been that hateful sense of duty toward Walter, which, like herself, Mr. Dehnicke probably felt only in part, and shammed as a matter of decorum.