Its foremost pract.i.tioners, the mule-skinners, are shorn of their deadliest weapon of offense and defense by a recent order which directs them to use honeyed words when addressing their feathery-eared charges, instead of employing the plain, direct United States to which the mules"
painfully obvious hearing organs have hitherto been attuned.
Kindness, the order says in effect, will work wonders with the genus Missouri nightingale or Indiana canary; if spoken to with proper regard for his or her feelings, a mule will oftentimes go so far as to place his or her hoof in a driver"s lap.
When one is able, with impunity, to tickle a mule behind the ear (either ear will do) one is adjudged proficient in interpreting the aesthetic aspirations of the beast; and all mule-skinners are exhorted to apply the ear-tickling proposition as a sort of acid test both as to the tractability of their charges and their own ability as mule-tamers. The application of this test, it is held, will keep the mule-skinners too fully occupied to be able to cuss or to care a cuss about cussing.
This Stuff is Out o" Date.
But, men of the Old Army, particularly those who have trained with mountain batteries, think of what is pa.s.sing! Think of what the younger and more effete generation of mules is missing! No more beneath the starry flag will be heard such he-language as this:--
"Come on, Maud, you Hoosier ! Get a wiggle on your good-for-nothing carca.s.s! GIDDAP, Bill! You long-eared, flea-bitten, hay-demolishing, muddy-flanked, rock-ribbed , I said it!
GIDDAP!"
Or with the native product: "Depechez-vous, vous . Oh, h--l, I"m out of French! Say, Jimmy! What"s the word for ? Never mind; all mules understand ! Hey there, you ! Make tracks!"
Now, all is changed and such dulcet appeals to His Muleship as this are the order of the day:
"Get a gait on, Sapphira, you ! Oh, h.e.l.l, I forgot! Aw, c"me on now, old girl! We ain"t got the whole morning t" waste! Be a sport, old lady!
Forward hoh!
"Say, for . Oh, h.e.l.l--I mean Heaven! Dammit, I forgot again! You, Ananias, will you do me the esteemed favor to start the process? Will you condescend to lift at least one leg?"
But This Stuff Does the Job.
Ananias puts one hoof forward in experimental manner, then stops. About this time a brother mule-skinner enters, mouthing a corncob pipe. Says he to the first mule-skinner:
"Whattamatter, Jerry? Don"t they budge? Livin" up to orders, be yeh? Aw, wee; way to talk to"m is third person--get me?--third person. None o"
this crude "you" and "yeze" stuff--same as talking to the Skipper, y"know."
Jerry gets his mouth all fixed to say, "Aw, h.e.l.l," recovers himself, and then begins: "Will the off animile kindly step at least two paces to the front?" (The mule starts to comply.) "I thank the off mule! Now, will the near mule kindly follow suit?" (It also starts to comply.) "Now, will both the near mule and the off mule be so good as to repeat the process, both pulling together, until requested to desist? Fine; off we go. Good Gawd--good Gawd!"
HOW GEORGE ADE SEES WAR.
Many Old Adages Must Be Revised If Germany Wins.
As his contribution to the National Security League"s campaign of patriotism, George Ade has written a message to our young fighting men.
"We must win this war," he contends, "or else revise all moral codes, rewrite all proverbs and adopt a brand new set of rules to govern conduct. If Germany is not licked to a standstill, we might as well begin to memorize and humbly accept the following:
"Dishonesty is the best policy.
"Be as mean as a skunk and you will be happy.
"Blessed are the child murderers, for they shall inherit the earth.
"Be sure you are right handy with fire-arms, then go ahead.
"An evil reputation is better than riches.
"Truth crushed to earth will not rise again if the crushing is done in a superior and efficient manner.
"Be virtuous and you will be miserable.
"Thrice armed is he who goes around picking quarrels.
"Might makes right.
"h.e.l.l on earth and hatred for all men.
"Do unto others as you suspect that they might do unto you if they ever got to be as disreputable as you are.
"G.o.d helps the man who helps himself to his neighbor"s house and his field and his unprotected women.
"These don"t sound right, do they?
"The old ones that we learned first of all are not yet out of date.
"Suppose we don"t revise them."
GLORIFIED.
(With apologies to the late Sir W.
S. Gilbert.)
When I was a lad I served a term In a military school--how it made me squirm!
I wore a shako, and a lot of braid.
And I startled fire horses when on dress parade; But they took all glory away from me As a second lieut. a-wearing of my plain O. D.
When I went to college, I was gayly clad In a sporty costume made of shepherd"s plaid; I tried pink neckties and vermillion socks, And when I went out walking, I set back the clocks.
But when I took Uncle Sam"s degree I was nothing but a second lieut. in plain O. D.
In business, too, I made quite a splurge In a n.o.bby garment made of ultra-serge; With rings and watchfob and a stickpin, too, I could show all the dandies of the town a few-- So think what a comedown "twas for me As a second lieut. a-wearing of my plain O. D.
But now, however, they have gone so far As to place on my shoulderstrap a neat gold bar, And they"ve sewn a dido on my overcoat, Which, while it lends distinction, nearly gets my goat; So now, at last, you can plainly see I"m a second lieut. no longer clad in plain O. D.!