"Come, Kelly," said he to one of them, "are you fully prepared for the two blessed sacraments of Penance and the Eucharist, that you are about to receive? Can you read, sir?"
"Can I read, is id?--my brother Barney can, yor Rev"rence," replied Kelly, sensible, amid all the disadvantages around him, of the degradation of his ignorance.
"What"s that to me, sir?" said the priest, "what your brother Barney can do--can you not read yourself?"
"I can not, your Reverence," said Kelly, in a tone of regret.
"I hope you have your Christian Doctrine, at all events," said the priest. "Go on with the Confiteor."
Kelly went on--"Confeetur Dimnipotenmti batchy Mary semplar virginy, batchy Mickletoe Archy Angelo, batchy Johnny Bartisty, sanctris postlis--Petrum hit Paulum omnium sanctris, et tabby pasture, quay a pixavit minus coglety ashy hony verb.u.m et offer him smaxy quilia smaxy quilta--sniaxy maxin in quilia."*
* Let not our readers suppose that the above version in the mouth of a totally illiterate peasant is overcharged; for we have the advantage of remembering how we ourselves used to hear it p.r.o.nounced in our early days. We will back the version in the text against Edward Irving"s new language--for any money.-- Original note.
"Very well, Kelly, right enough, all except the p.r.o.nouncing, which wouldn"t pa.s.s muster in Maynooth, however. How many kinds of commandments are there?"
"Two, sir."
"What are they?"
"G.o.d"s and the Church"s."
"Repeat G.o.d"s share of them."
He then repeated the first commandment according to his catechism.
"Very good, Kelly, very good. Well now, repeat the commandments of the Church."
"First--Sundays and holidays, Ma.s.s thou shalt sartinly hear;
"Second--All holidays sanctificate throughout all the whole year.
"Third--Lent, Ember days, and Virgins, thou shalt be sartain to fast;
"Fourth--Fridays and Sat.u.r.days flesh thou shalt not, good, bad or indifferent, taste.
"Fifth--In Lent and Advent, nuptial fastes gallantly forbear.
"Sixth--Confess your sins, at laste once dacently and soberly every year.
"Seventh--Resave your G.o.d at confission about great Easter-day;
"Eighth--And to his Church and his own frolicsome clargy neglect not tides (t.i.thes) to pay."
"Well," said his Eeverence, "now, to great point is, do you understand them?"
"Wid the help of G.o.d, I hope so, your Rev"rence; and I have also the three thriptological vartues."
"Theological, sirrah!"
"Theojollyological vartues; the four sins that cry to heaven for vingeance; the five carnal vartues--prudence, justice, timptation, and solitude; (* Temperance and fort.i.tude) the seven deadly sins; the eight grey att.i.tudes--"
"Grey att.i.tudes! Oh, the Boeotian!" exclaimed his Eeverence, "listen to the way in which he"s playing havoc among them. Stop, sir," for Kelly was going on at full speed--"Stop, sir. I tell you it"s not gray att.i.tudes, but bay att.i.tudes--doesn"t every one know the eight beat.i.tudes?"
"The eight bay att.i.tudes; the nine ways of being guilty of another"s sins; the ten commandments; the twelve fruits of a Christian; the fourteen stations of the cross; the fifteen mystheries of the pa.s.sion--"
"Kelly," said his Eeverence, interrupting him, and heralding, the joke, for so it was intended, with a hearty chuckle, "you"re getting fast out of your teens, ma bouchal?" and this was of course, honored with a merry peal; extorted as much by an effort of softening the rigor of examination, as by the traditionary duty which entails upon the Irish laity the necessity of laughing at a priest"s jokes, without any reference at all to their quality. Nor was his Reverence"s own voice the first to subside into that gravity which became the solemnity of the occasion; or even whilst he continued the interrogatories, his eye was laughing at the conceit with which it was evident the inner man was not competent to grapple. "Well, Kelly, I can"t say but you"ve answered very well, as far as the repealing of them goes; but do you perfectly understand all the commandments of the church?"
"I do, sir," replied Kelly, whose confidence kept pace with his Reverence"s good-humor.
"Well, what is meant by the fifth?"
"The fifth, sir?" said the other, rather confounded--"I must begin agin, sir, and go on till I come to it."
"Well," said the priest, "never mind that; but tell us what the eighth means?"
Kelly stared at him a second time, but was not able to advance "First--Sundays and holidays, ma.s.s thou shalt hear;" but before he had proceeded to the second, a person who stood at his elbow began to whisper to him the proper reply, and in the act of so doing received a lash of the whip across the ear for his pains.
"You blackguard, you!" exclaimed Father Philemy, "take that--how dare you attempt to prompt any person that I"m examining?"
Those who stood around Kelly now fell back to a safe distance, and all was silence, terror, and trepidation once more.
"Come, Kelly, go on--the eighth?"
Kelly was still silent.
"Why, you ninny you, didn"t you repeat it just now. "Eighth--And to his church neglect not t.i.thes to pay." Now that I have put the words in your mouth, what does it mean?"
Kelly having thus got the cue, replied, in the words of the Catechism, "To pay _tides_ to the lawful _pasterns_ of the church, sir."
"Pasterns!--oh, you a.s.s you! _Pasterns!_ you poor; base, contemptible, crawling reptile, as if we trampled you under our hooves--oh, you scruff of the earth! Stop, I say--it"s pastors."
"Pastures of the church."
"And, tell me, do you fulfil that commandment?"
"I do, sir."
"It"s a lie, sir," replied the priest, brandishing the whip over his head, whilst Kelly instinctively threw up his guard to protect himself from the blow. "It"s a lie, sir," repeated his Eeverence; "you don"t fulfil it. What is the church?"
"The church is the congregation of the faithful that purfiss the true faith, and are obadient to the Pope."
"And who do you pay t.i.thes to?"
"To the parson, sir."
"And, you poor varmint you, is he obadient to the Pope?"
Kelly only smiled at the want of comprehension which prevented him from seeing the thing according to the view which his Reverence took of it.