"I have to confess that you mention an author of whom I had never even heard till I read The Debatable Lands. The extracts printed there made me think he must be one of the great philosopher poets of the world. Yet there is no copy of his works at the Lenox."
"There are copies of all his writings here."
"I think I shall disobey Polonius by trying to be a borrower," you announced, and turning to Mr. Whitely, you asked, "Do you ever loan your books?"
"To lend to you would be a pleasure, and give added value to the volume," a.s.sented Mr. Whitely, joining us. "Take anything you wish."
"Thank you so much. Will you let me see what you have of Saadi, so that I may take my choice?"
"You were speaking of"--hemmed Mr. Whitely.
"Saadi."
"Ah, yes. Dr. Hartzmann knows where it is."
When I had led the way to the proper shelf, you selected the Gulistan, opened it, and then laughed. "You have the best protection against borrowers. I envy both of you the ability to read him in the original, but it is beyond me."
"As you read Latin, you can read Gentius" translation of the Bostan," I suggested, taking the book down.
"How do you know that I can read Latin?" you asked.
I faltered for a moment, too much taken aback to think what to reply, and fortunately Mr. Whitely interposed quickly, "Miss Walton"s reputation for learning is so well recognized that knowledge of Latin is taken for granted."
Taking advantage of the compliment, I surmised, "Perhaps you will care less to read the poet if I quote a stanza of his:--
"Seek truth from life, and not from books, O fool!
Look at the sky to find the stars, not in the pool.""
"You only make me the more eager," you said, running over the pages.
"The book is worth reading," vouched Mr. Whitely.
"How good that is!" you appealed to him, laying your finger on lines to the effect that a dozen poor men will sleep in peace on a straw heap, while the greatest empire is too narrow for two kings.
"Very," answered my employer, after looking at the text with a critical air. If you could only have enjoyed the joke with me!
Suddenly, as I watched you, you became pale, and glancing down to learn the cause, I saw a ma.n.u.script note in my father"s handwriting on the margin of the page. "Mr. Whitely," you asked huskily, "how did you get this book?"
Had you looked at me you would have seen one paler than yourself, as I stood there expecting the axe to fall. Oh! the relief when Mr. Whitely replied, "I bought it in Germany."
You closed the volume, remarking, "I do not think I will ask the loan, after all. He seems an author one ought to own."
"I hoped you would add an a.s.sociation to the book," urged Mr. Whitely.
"Thank you," you parried gravely, "but so old a volume can hardly be lacking in a.s.sociation. I think we must be going."
I took you down to the carriage, and Mrs. Blodgett kindly offered me the fourth seat. You were absolutely silent in the drive up-town, and I was scarcely less so as I tried to read your thoughts. What feelings had that sc.r.a.p of writing stirred in you?
I have often since then recalled our parting words that afternoon, and wondered if I allowed a mere scruple--a cobweb that a stronger man would have brushed aside without a second thought--to wreck my life. If I had taken what you offered? Perhaps the time might have come when I could have told you of my trick, and you would have forgiven it. Perhaps--
You said to me graciously, when we separated at your door, "I shall be very happy, Dr. Hartzmann, if you will come to see me."
I flushed with pleasure, for I felt it was not a privilege you gave to many. But even as I hesitated for words with which to express my grat.i.tude, I realized that I had no moral right to gain your hospitality by means of my false name; and when I spoke it was to respond, "I thank you for the favor most deeply, Miss Walton, but I am too busy a man for social calls."
Oh, my darling, if you had known what those few words cost me, and the struggle it was to keep my voice steady as I spoke them! For I knew you could only take them to mean that I declined your friendship. Hide my shame as I might try to do, I could not escape its pains. G.o.d keep you from such suffering, Maizie, and good-night.
XIV
_March 5._ Though I committed the rudeness of refusing to call, you never in our subsequent intercourse varied your manner by the slightest shade, treating me always with a courtesy I ill deserved. After such a rebuff, it is true, you were too self-respecting to offer me again any favor tending to a better acquaintance, but otherwise you bore yourself towards me as you did towards the thousand other men whom you were obliged to meet.
Your life as a social favorite, and mine as a literary hack, gave little opportunity for our seeing each other, yet we met far more frequently than would have seemed possible. Occasionally I found you at the Blodgetts", though not as often as our informal footing in that household had led me to hope; for you were in such social demand that your morning hours were the time you usually took to run in upon them.
But now and then we lunched or dined there, and Mrs. Blodgett little dreamed how willingly I obeyed her positive command that I was to come to every one of her afternoons when Agnes told me that you were to receive or pour tea. Little I had of your attention, for you were a magnet to many, but I could stand near you and could watch and listen, and that was happiness.
A cause of meeting more discordant to me was furnished by my employer. I wrote for him an editorial on the folk-leid basis of the Wagner trilogy, which I suppose he sent or read to you; for it resulted in a box-party to attend the series, and I was asked to be one of the guests. "Nothing like having your books of reference under your arm," was Mr. Whitely"s way of telling me for what purpose I was wanted; and I presume that was, in truth, the light in which he viewed me. Though I scorned such service, the mere fact that you were to be there was enough to make me accept. How low love can bring a man if his spirit is once mastered by it!
I would have sunk far deeper, I believe, to obtain what I earned, for there were delightful moments of mutually absorbing discussions, only too quickly interrupted by Mr. Whitely or others of the party breaking in on our conversation. What was equal happiness to me was the a.s.sociation of you in my mind with the n.o.blest of music. I can never hear certain movements of those operas without your image coming before me as clearly as if I saw your reflection in a mirror. And from that time one of my keenest pleasures has been to beg tickets from the musical critic of our staff, whenever one of the trilogy is to be given, and sit through the opera dreaming of those hours. I could write here every word you uttered, but what especially impressed itself upon my memory was something called out by the fate of Brunhilde. As we stood in the lobby waiting for the carriages, at the end of Die Walkure, you withdrew a little, as if still feeling the beauty and tragedy of the last act too deeply to take part in the chit-chat with which the rest of the party beguiled the time. I stood near you, but, respecting your mood, was silent too, until you finally broke the pause by saying, "I do not know whether it is Wagner"s music or because Brunhilde appeals to me, but I always feel that I have suffered as she does. It almost makes me believe in the theory of metempsychosis."
"Is it so much consciousness of a past, Miss Walton," I suggested, "as prescience of the future? Woman"s story is so unvaryingly that of self-sacrifice for love that I should suppose Brunhilde"s fate would appeal to the s.e.x as a prophecy rather than as a memory."
"Her punishment could have been far worse."
"Left a defenseless prey to the first comer?"
"But surrounded by fire, so that the first comer must be a brave man."
"Do you value courage so highly?"
"Yes. The truly brave, I think, cannot be mean, and without meanness there must be honor. I almost envy Brunhilde her walls of fire, which put to absolute proof any man who sought her. The most successful of men; the most intellectually brilliant, may be--By what can we to-day test courage and honor?"
"There is as much as ever, Miss Walton. Is it no gain that courage has become moral rather than physical?"
"Is it no loss that of all the men I know, there is not one of whom I can say with certainty, "He is a brave man"?"
Our numbers were called at this point, and the conversation was never continued. Every word you had said recalled to me my former friend, and I understood your repugnance for anything cowardly.
At the last of these operas, by another perverse joke of Dame Fortune, who seems to have so many laughs at my expense, I was introduced to the chaperon, "Mrs. Polhemus." Looking up, I found myself facing my mother.
I cannot tell you how strangely I felt in making my bow. She was as handsome as ever, it appeared to me, and the smooth rich olive complexion seemed to have given her an undying youth. For a moment I feared recognition, but the difference was too great between the pallid stooping boy of fifteen she had last seen in Paris and the straight bronzed man of twenty-seven. As of old she was magnificently dressed and fairly glittered with diamonds, which curiously enough instantly brought to my mind the face of my father as I kissed him last. Was it the strong connection of contrast, or was it a quirk of my brain?
This chance meeting had a sequel that pains me to this day. Dining the next evening at the Blodgetts" with you and your uncle, the latter spoke of my mother"s diamonds. Mrs. Blodgett said, with a laugh, "One would think, after her rich marriage, that she might pay up the money her first husband stole from Maizie."
"She could have done that years ago if she had cared to," sneered Mr.
Walton.
Your eyes were lowered, and you still kept them so as you replied, "I would not accept the money from Mrs. Polhemus."