"Oh, Barbara, for G.o.d"s sake tell me!" Julia said, in an agonized burst.
"Oh, Julie--if only I"m doing the right thing!" Barbara answered in distress.
"This _is_ the right thing," Julia a.s.sured her. "This is my affair."
"Francis and Mother--" Barbara began again, hesitatingly. But immediately she dismissed the doubts with a shake of her head, and suddenly a.s.suming a confident air, she began: "I"ll tell you exactly what happened, Ju. Jim came one afternoon; I was all alone, and we had tea. He"s very much changed, Ju. He"s harder, in some way, and--well, changed. Jim never used to be able to conceal his feelings, you know, but now--why, one feels that he"s dissembling all the time! He was so friendly, and cheerful, and interested--and yet--There was something all wrong. He didn"t exactly _evade_ the subject of you and Anna, but he just said "Yes?" or "No?" when I talked of you--"
"I know exactly how," Julia said, wincing at some memory.
"I touched him on the quick finally," Barbara pursued; "something I said about you made him colour up, that brick-red colour of his--"
"I know!" Julia said quickly again.
"But, Julia," Barbara added earnestly, "you"ve no _idea_ how hard it was!
I told him how grieved and troubled we all were by this silence between you, and I went and got that snapshot Rich took of Anna, you know, the one with the collies. Well, way in the back of that picture you were snapped, too, the tiniest little figure, for you were way down by the road, and Anna close to the porch. But, my dear, he hardly glanced at Anna; he said in a quick, hushed sort of voice, "What"s she in black for?" Then I saw your picture for the first time, and said, "Why, that must be Julia!" "Certainly, it"s Julia," he said. I told him your grandmother had died, and he said, "But she"s still needed there, is she?" That was the first sign of _anything_ like naturalness. And, oh, Ju, if only it had happened that Francis didn"t come in then! But he did, starving for his tea, and wondering who on earth the man that I was sitting in the dark with was--it was so unfortunate! You know Francis thinks we"ve all spoiled Jim, always, and he looked right over him. I said, "Francis, you remember my brother?" and Francis said, with a really insulting accent, "Perfectly!" Jim said something about liking London and hoping to settle there, and Francis said, "Studdiford, I"m glad you"ve come to see my wife, and I hope the affection you two have felt for years won"t be hurt by what I say. But I admire your own wife very deeply, and you"ve put her in a most equivocal and humiliating position. I can"t pretend that I hope you"ll settle here; you"ve caused the people who love you sufficient distress as it is. I don"t see that your staying here is going to make anything any easier, while things are as they are in California!" My dear," said Barbara with a sigh, "Francis gets that way sometimes; English people do--there seems to be a sort of moral obligation upon them to say what"s true, no matter how outrageously rude it sounds!"
"I had no idea Captain Fox felt that way," Julia said, touched.
"Oh, my dear! He"s one of your warmest admirers. Well," Barbara went on, "of course Jim ruffled up like a turkey c.o.c.k. I didn"t dare say anything, and Francis, having done his worst, was really pretty fair.
Luckily, some other people came in, and later I went with Jim to the nursery. Then he said to me, "Do you think Julia"s position is equivocal, Bab?" And I said, "Jim, I never knew any one to care so little for public opinion as Julia. But all the rumour and gossip, the unexplained mystery of it, are very, very hard for her." I said, "Jim, aren"t you going back?" and he said, "Never." Then he said, "I think Francis is right. This way is neither one thing nor the other. It ought to be settled. Not," he said, "that I want to marry again!" I said, "Jim, you _couldn"t_ marry again, don"t talk that way!" He said something about my clinging to old ideas, and I said, "Jim, don"t tell me you have given up your faith?" He said, very airily, "I"m not telling you anything, my dear girl, but if the law will set me free, perhaps that"s the best way of silencing Francis"s remarks about Julia"s equivocal position!""
Julia was silent for a while, staring beyond Barbara, her eyes like those of a sick person, her face ashen. Barbara began to feel frightened.
"So that"s it," Julia said finally, in a tired, cold voice.
"Ju--it"s too dreadful to hurt you this way!" Barbara said. "But that"s not all. The only reason I told you all this was because Jim may be coming home; he may come on in October, and want to see you. Francis thinks--But it seems too cruel to let him come on and take you by surprise!"
"Oh, my G.o.d!" said Julia, in a low, tense tone, "what utter wreck I have made of my life! Why is it," she said, springing up and beginning to walk again, "why is it that I am so helpless, why must I sit still and let the soul be torn out of my body! My child must grow up fatherless--under a cloud--"
"Julie! Julie!" Barbara begged, wild with anxiety, as she kept pace beside Julia on the dry brown gra.s.s. "Dearest, don"t, or you"ll make me feel terribly for having told you!"
"Oh, no--no," Julia said, suddenly calm and weary. "You had to tell me!"
The two walked slowly on for a moment, in silence, then Julia added pa.s.sionately: "Oh, what a wretched, miserable business! Oh, Bab, why do I simply have to go from one agony to another? I"m so tired of being unhappy; I"m so wretched!" Her voice fell, the fire went out of her tone. "I"m tired," she said, in a voice that seemed to Barbara curiously in keeping with the flat, toneless summer twilight, the dull brown hills, the darkening sky, the dry slippery gra.s.s over which a cool swift breeze was beginning to wander. "If Anna and I could only run away from it all!" said Julia sombrely.
"Julie, just one thing." Barbara hesitated. "Shall you see Jim?"
Julia paused, and their eyes met in the gloom. Barbara thought she had never seen anything more marked than the tragic intensity of the other woman"s face. Julia might have been a young priestess, the problems of the world on her shoulders.
"That I can"t say, Bab," she answered thoughtfully. And a moment later they reached the cabin, and were welcomed by Richie and the children.
CHAPTER VIII
It was in late September that the mail brought her a note from Jim.
Julia"s heart felt a second of paralyzing cramp as she put her hand on the letter; she read its dozen lines in a haze of dancing light; the letters seemed to swim together.
Jim wrote that he was at home for a few days, and was most anxious to see her, and to have a talk that would be of advantage to them both. For obvious reasons, her home was not suitable; would she suggest a time and place? He was always hers faithfully, James Studdiford.
Anna, glowing and delicious, was leaning against Julia"s shoulder as Julia read and reread the little doc.u.ment. The mother looked down obliquely at the little rose-leaf face, the blue, blue eyes, the fresh, firm, baby mouth.
"When I am a grown-up girl," Anna said, with her sweet, mysterious smile, "I shall have letters, and I will write answers, and write the envelopes, too! And I"ll write you letters, Mother, when you go "way and leave me with Grandma!"
"Will you?" asked Julia, rubbing the child"s soft cheek with her own.
"Every day!" Anna said. "Who"s writing you with that cunning little owl on the paper, Mother?"
"That"s the Bohemian Club owl," Julia evaded, giving Anna only one fair look at him before she closed the letter. She went to her desk, and swiftly, unhesitatingly, wrote her reply. Jim must excuse her, she could not see the advantage of their meeting, she would much prefer not to see him. Briskly rubbing her blotter over the flap of the sealed envelope, she had a vision of him, interrupting his evening of talk with old friends to scratch off the note to her, and felt that she detested him.
An unhappy week followed, in which Julia had time to feel that almost any consequences would have been easier to bear than the una.s.sailable wall of silence and misgiving and doubt that hemmed her in. Constant nervous terrors weakened her spiritually and bodily, and she could not bear to have Anna for one moment out of her sight. Mrs. Page and Mrs.
Torney saw notice in the papers of Jim"s return, and suspected the cause of this new agitation in Julia, but neither dared attempt to force her confidence.
"Men are the limit!" said Mrs. Torney to her sister, one day when they were sitting together in the kitchen. "As I"ve said before, it"s a great pity there ain"t nothing else to do but marry, and nothing to marry but men! It"s awful to think of the hundreds of women who spend their happiest hours going about doing the housework, and planning just what they"d do if their husbands was to be taken off suddenly! Some girls can set around until they"re blue moulded, and never a feller to ask "em, and others the boys"ll fret and pleg until they"re fit to be tied, with nerves! Evvy you couldn"t marry off if she was Cleopatra on the Nile, and poor Julia could hang smallpox flags all over her, and every man in the place"d want her jest the same! He wants her back, you see if he doesn"t!"
"I don"t know that he does," said Emeline, knitting needles flashing slowly in her crippled fingers. "Maybe that"s the trouble."
"What"d he come on for, then?" demanded Mrs. Torney. "Jest showing off, is he? Or is it another woman? The only difference between men reely seems to be that some wear baggy pants and own up to being sultans, and others don"t!" She spread her fingers inside the stocking she was darning, and eyed it severely. "The idea of a man with a five-year-old girl sashaying round the country this way is ridiculous, to begin with,"
said she indignantly.
"Has Ju seen him?" asked Mrs. Page.
"No, I"m pretty sure she hasn"t," Mrs. Torney answered. "She acks more like she was afraid to, than like she ackshally had. She"d be real relieved to start fighting, but just now she"s like a hen that gets its chickens under its wings, and looks up and round and about, and don"t know whether it"s a hawk or a fox or a man with a knife that"s after her!"
"I don"t believe Julie hates him," said her mother. "I think she"d go back to him, if only for Anna"s sake--if it seemed best for Anna."
"For that matter, she"d go keep house for the gorilla at the Chutes if it seemed best for Anna!" Mrs. Torney concluded sagely.
It was only a day or two later that the telephone rang, and Julia, answering it, as she always did now, with chill foreboding in her heart, heard Barbara"s voice.
"Julie, dear, is it you? Darling, we want you right away. It"s Dad, Julie--he"s terribly ill!" Barbara"s voice broke. "He"s terribly ill!"
"What is it?" Julia asked, tense and pale.
"Oh, we don"t know!" Barbara gasped. "Julie--we--and Mother"s quite wonderful! Con"s coming right away, Janey"s here, and we"ve wired Ted."
"Barbara, is it as bad as that?"
"I"m afraid so!" And again tears choked Barbara. "Of course we don"t know. He fell, right here in the garden. Think if he"d been on the road, Julie, or in the street. That was the first thing Mother said. Mother"s too wonderful! Richie was here, they carried him in. And he wrote Con"s and Ted"s and your name on a piece of paper. We saw he was trying to say something, and gave him the paper, and that"s what he wrote! And Aunt Sanna in New York!"
Stricken, and beginning to realize for the first time what an empty place would be left in the Sausalito group when the kindly old doctor was gone, Julia hastily dressed herself for the hurried trip. She must see Jim now; there was a sort of dramatic satisfaction in the thought that he must know the accident of their meeting at last to be none of her contriving. And she would see Richie, too; her heart fluttered at the thought. She sat on the boat, dreamily watching the gray water rush by, dreamily ready for whatever might come. The day was dull and soft; boat whistles droned all about them on the bay; from Alcatraz, shouldering through an enveloping fog, came the steady ringing of a bra.s.s gong.
Long drifts of fog had crept under the trees in the Toland garden, the rose bushes were beaded with fine mist, the eaves dripped steadily.
Julia began to be shaken with nervous antic.i.p.ation of the moment when she must meet Jim. Would he meet her at the door, or would they deliberately arrange--these loyal brothers and sisters--that the dreaded moment should not come until they were all about her? She gave a quick nervous glance about the big hallway when a tearful maid admitted her.
But it was only Barbara who came forward, and Barbara"s first word was that Jim and Richie were not there; Dad had sent both on errands. "His mind is absolutely clear," said Barbara shakenly. She herself was waiting for an important telephone call, and occasionally pressing a folded handkerchief to her eyes. The two women kissed, with sudden tears on both sides, before Julia went noiselessly upstairs. Constance and Theodora were in their mother"s room, Mrs. Toland with them. The mother had been crying, and was now only trying to muster sufficient self-control to reenter the sickroom without giving the beloved patient alarm. Julia"s entrance was the signal for fresh tears; but they all presently brightened a little, too, and Julia persuaded Mrs. Toland to drink a cup of hot soup, "the very first thing she"s touched all day!"
said all the girls fondly.
Only Janey was with the invalid when Julia went into the sickroom, a silent, white-faced Janey, who stared at Julia with sombre eyes. The doctor lay high in pillows, looking oddly boyish in his white nightgown in spite of his gray hair. A fire flickered in the old-fashioned polished iron grate; outside the window twilight and the fog were mingling. The room had some unfamiliar quality of ordered emptiness already, as if life"s highway must be cleared for the coming of the great Destroyer.