"The harm?" quoth he. "And you had your arm about her--and you to be a priest one day?"
"And why not, pray?" quoth I. "Is this some new sin that you have discovered--or that you have kept hidden from me until now? To console the afflicted is an ordination of Mother Church; to love our fellow-creatures an ordination of our Blessed Lord Himself. I was performing both. Am I to be abused for that?"
He looked at me very searchingly, seeking in my countenance--as I now know--some trace of irony or guile. Finding none, he turned to my mother. He was very solemn.
"Madonna," he said quietly, "I think that Agostino is nearer to being a saint than either you or I will ever get."
She looked at him, first in surprise, then very sadly. Slowly she shook her head. "Unhappily for him there is another arbiter of saintship, Who sees deeper than do you, Gervasio."
He bowed his head. "Better not to look deep enough than to do as you seem in danger of doing, Madonna, and by looking too deep imagine things which do not exist."
"Ah, you will defend him against reason even," she complained. "His anger exists. His thirst to kill--to stamp himself with the brand of Cain--exists. He confesses that himself. His insubordination to me you have seen for yourself; and that again is sin, for it is ordained that we shall honour our parents.
"O!" she moaned. "My authority is all gone. He is beyond my control. He has shaken off the reins by which I sought to guide him."
"You had done well to have taken my advice a year ago, Madonna. Even now it is not too late. Let him go to Pavia, to the Sapienza, to study his humanities."
"Out into the world!" she cried in horror. "O, no, no! I have sheltered him here so carefully!"
"Yet you cannot shelter him for ever," said he. "He must go out into the world some day."
"He need not," she faltered. "If the call were strong enough within him, a convent..." She left her sentence unfinished, and looked at me.
"Go, Agostino," she bade me. "Fra Gervasio and I must talk."
I went reluctantly, since in the matter of their talk none could have had a greater interest than I, seeing that my fate stood in the balance of it. But I went, none the less, and her last words to me as I was departing were an injunction that I should spend the time until I should take up my studies for the day with Fra Gervasio in seeking forgiveness for the morning"s sins and grace to do better in the future.
CHAPTER VI. FRA GERVASIO
I did not again see my mother that day, nor did she sup with us that evening. I was told by Fra Gervasio that on my account was she in retreat, praying for light and guidance in the thing that must be determined concerning me.
I withdrew early to my little bedroom overlooking the gardens, a room that had more the air of a monastic cell than a bedchamber fitting the estate of the Lord of Mondolfo. The walls were whitewashed, and besides the crucifix that hung over my bed, their only decoration was a crude painting of St. Augustine disputing with the little boy on the seash.o.r.e.
For bed I had a plain hard pallet, and the room contained, in addition, a wooden chair, a stool upon which was set a steel basin with its ewer for my ablutions, and a cupboard for the few sombre black garments I possessed--for the amiable vanity of raiment usual in young men of my years had never yet a.s.sailed me; I had none to emulate in that respect.
I got me to bed, blew out my taper, and composed myself to sleep. But sleep was playing truant from me. Long I lay there surveying the events of that day--the day in which I had embarked upon the discovery of myself; the most stirring day that I had yet lived; the day in which, although I scarcely realized it, if at all, I had at once tasted love and battle, the strongest meats that are in the dish of life.
For some hours, I think, had I lain there, reflecting and putting together pieces of the riddle of existence, when my door was softly opened, and I started up in bed to behold Fra Gervas...o...b..aring a taper which he sheltered with one hand, so that the light of it was thrown upwards into his pale, gaunt face.
Seeing me astir he came forward and closed the door.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Sh!" he admonished me, a finger to his lips. He advanced to my side, set down the taper on the chair, and seated himself upon the edge of my bed.
"Lie down again, my son," he bade me. "I have something to say to you."
He paused a moment, whilst I settled down again and drew the coverlet to my chin not without a certain premonition of important things to come.
"Madonna has decided," he informed me then. "She fears that having once resisted her authority, you are now utterly beyond her control; and that to keep you here would be bad for yourself and for her. Therefore she has resolved that to-morrow you leave Mondolfo."
A faint excitement began to stir in me. To leave Mondolfo--to go out into that world of which I had read so much; to mingle with my fellow-man, with youths of my own age, perhaps with maidens like Luisina, to see cities and the ways of cities; here indeed was matter for excitement. Yet it was an excitement not altogether pleasurable; for with my very natural curiosity, and with my eagerness to have it gratified, were blended certain fears imbibed from the only quality of reading that had been mine.
The world was an evil place in which temptations seethed, and through which it was difficult to come unscathed. Therefore, I feared the world and the adventuring beyond the shelter of the walls of the castle of Mondolfo; and yet I desired to judge for myself the evil of which I read, the evil which in moments of doubt I even permitted myself to question.
My reasoning followed the syllogism that G.o.d being good and G.o.d having created the world, it was not possible that the creation should be evil.
It was well enough to say that the devil was loose in it. But that was not to say that the devil had created it; and it would be necessary to prove this ere it could be established that it was evil in itself--as many theologians appeared to seek to show--and a place to be avoided.
Such was the question that very frequently arose in my mind, ultimately to be dismissed as a lure of Satan"s to imperil my poor soul. It battled for existence now amid my fears; and it gained some little ascendancy.
"And whither am I to go?" I asked. "To Pavia, or to the University of Bologna?"
"Had my advice been heeded," said he, "one or the other would have been your goal. But your mother took counsel with Messer Arcolano."
He shrugged, and there was contempt in the lines of his mouth. He distrusted Arcolano, the regular cleric who was my mother"s confessor and spiritual adviser, exerting over her a very considerable influence.
She, herself, had admitted that it was this Arcolano who had induced her to that horrid traffic in my father"s life and liberty which she was mercifully spared from putting into effect.
"Messer Arcolano," he resumed after a pause, "has a good friend in Piacenza, a pedagogue, a doctor of civil and canon law, a man who, he says, is very learned and very pious, named Astorre Fifanti. I have heard of this Fifanti, and I do not at all agree with Messer Arcolano. I have said so. But your mother..." He broke off. "It is decided that you go to him at once, to take up your study of the humanities under his tutelage, and that you abide with him until you are of an age for ordination, which your mother hopes will be very soon. Indeed, it is her wish that you should enter the subdeaconate in the autumn, and your novitiate next year, to fit you for the habit of St. Augustine."
He fell silent, adding no comment of any sort, as if he waited to hear what of my own accord I might have to urge. But my mind was incapable of travelling beyond the fact that I was to go out into the world to-morrow.
The circ.u.mstance that I should become a monk was no departure from the idea to which I had been trained, although explicitly no more than my mere priesthood had been spoken of. So I lay there without thinking of any words in which to answer him.
Gervasio considered me steadily, and sighed a little. "Agostino," he said presently, "you are upon the eve of taking a great step, a step whose import you may never fully have considered. I have been your tutor, and your rearing has been my charge. That charge I have faithfully carried out as was ordained me, but not as I would have carried it out had I been free to follow my heart and my conscience in the matter.
"The idea of your ultimate priesthood has been so fostered in your mind that you may well have come to believe that to be a priest is your own inherent desire. I would have you consider it well now that the time approaches for a step which is irrevocable."
His words and his manner startled me alike.
"How?" I cried. "Do you say that it might be better if I did not seek ordination? What better can the world offer than the priesthood? Have you not, yourself, taught me that it is man"s n.o.blest calling?"
"To be a good priest, fulfilling all the teachings of the Master, becoming in your turn His mouthpiece, living a life of self-abnegation, of self-sacrifice and purity," he answered slowly, "that is the n.o.blest thing a man can be. But to be a bad priest--there are other ways of being d.a.m.ned less hurtful to the Church."
"To be a bad priest?" quoth I. "Is it possible to be a bad priest?"
"It is not only possible, my son, but in these days it is very frequent.
Many men, Agostino, enter the Church out of motives of self-seeking.
Through such as these Rome has come to be spoken of as the Necropolis of the Living. Others, Agostino--and these are men most worthy of pity--enter the Church because they are driven to it in youth by ill-advised parents. I would not have you one of these, my son."
I stared at him, my amazement ever growing. "Do you... do you think I am in danger of it?" I asked.
"That is a question you must answer for yourself. No man can know what is in another"s heart. I have trained you as I was bidden train you. I have seen you devout, increasing in piety, and yet..." He paused, and looked at me again. "It may be that this is no more than the fruit of your training; it may be that your piety and devotion are purely intellectual. It is very often so. Men know the precepts of religion as a lawyer knows the law. It no more follows out of that that they are religious--though they conceive that it does--than it follows that a lawyer is law-abiding. It is in the acts of their lives that we must seek their real natures, and no single act of your life, Agostino, has yet given sign that the call is in your heart.
"To-day, for instance, at what is almost your first contact with the world, you indulge your human feelings to commit a violence; that you did not kill is as much an accident as that you broke Rinolfo"s leg. I do not say that you did a very sinful thing. In a worldly youth of your years the provocation you received would have more than justified your action. But not in one who aims at a life of humility and self-forgetfulness such as the priesthood imposes."