I showed her how far I had got.
"I thought you always began, "My Lord Mayor, Ladies and Gentlemen,"" she said.
"Only if the Lord Mayor"s there."
"But how will you know?"
"Yes, that"s rather awkward. I shall have to ask the Secretary beforehand."
I began again.
"WASPS AND THEIR YOUNG
"_Lecture delivered, etc_....
"_My Lord Mayor, my Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen_--"
It looked much better.
"What about Baronets?" said Celia. "There"s sure to be lots."
"Yes, this is going to be difficult. I shall have to have a long talk with the Secretary ... How"s this?--"My Lord Mayor, Lords, Baronets, Ladies and Gentlemen and Sundries." That"s got in everybody."
"That"s all right. And I wanted to ask you: Have you got any lantern slides?"
"They"re not necessary."
"But they"re much more fun. Perhaps they"ll have some old ones of Vesuvius you can work in. Well, good-bye." And she drifted out.
I went on thinking.
"No," I said to myself, "I"m on the wrong tack." So I began again:--
"SOME YORKSHIRE POT-HOLES
"_Lecture delivered before the Blanktown Literary and Philosophical Society, Tuesday, December 8th_.
"_My Lord Mayor, my Lords_--"
"I don"t want to interrupt," said Celia coming in suddenly, "but--oh, what"s a pot-hole?"
"A curious underground cavern sometimes found in the North."
"Aren"t caverns always underground? But you"re busy. Will you be in for lunch?"
"I shall be writing my lecture all day," I said busily.
At lunch I decided to have a little financial talk with Celia.
"What I feel is this," I said. "At most I can ask ten guineas for my lecture. Now my expense all the way to the North, with a night at an hotel, will be at least five pounds."
"Five-pounds-ten profit," said Celia. "Not bad."
"Ah, but wait. I have never spoken in public before. In an immense hall, whose acoustics--"
"Who are they?"
"Well, never mind. What I mean is that I shall want some elocution lessons. Say five, at a guinea each."
"That still leaves five shillings."
"If only it left that, it might be worth it. But there"s a new white waistcoat. An audience soon gets tired of a lecture, and then there"s nothing for the wakeful ones to concentrate on but the white waistcoat of the lecturer. It must be of a virgin whiteness. Say thirty-five shillings. So I lose thirty shillings by it. Can I afford so much?"
"But you gain the acoustics and the waistcoat."
"True. Of course, if you insist--"
"Oh, you _must_," said Celia.
So I returned to the library. By tea-time I had got as far as this:--
"ADVENTURES WITH A CAMERA IN SOMALILAND
"_Lecture delivered before the Blanktown Literary and Philo_--"
And then I had an idea. This time a brilliant one.
"Celia," I said at tea, "I have been wondering whether I ought to take advantage of your generosity."
"What generosity?"
"In letting me deliver this lecture."
"It isn"t generosity, it"s sw.a.n.k. I want to be able to tell everybody."
"Ah, but the sacrifices you are making."
"Am I?" said Celia, with interest.
"Of course you are. Consider. I ask a fee of ten guineas. They cannot possibly charge more than a shilling a head to listen to me. It would be robbery. So that if there is to be a profit at all, as presumably they antic.i.p.ate, I shall have a gate of at least two hundred and fifty."
"I should _hope_ so."
"Two hundred and fifty. And what does that mean? It means that at seven-thirty o"clock on the night of December the 8th two hundred and fifty residents of Blanktown will _turn out the electric lights in their drawing-rooms ..._ PERHAPS EVEN IN THEIR HALLS ... and proceed to the lecture-room. True, the lecture-room will be lit up--a small compensation--but not for long. When the slides of Vesuvius are thrown upon the screen--"
Celia was going pale.
"But if it"s not you," she faltered, "it will be somebody else."