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"You have not offended me," she says in a voice she can hardly hear herself, straightening her sleeves, her bag, her gloves. His handkerchief is at their feet. She can"t stoop for it in her stays; she is afraid of losing her balance. He bends to pick it up, but instead of giving it to her again he tucks it slowly inside his jacket. "The fault is mine," he tells her. She finds herself staring at his shoes, brown leather, the tips a little worn, the edge of one spattered with yellow paint. She is seeing the shoes he works in, his real life.
"No," she murmurs. "I should not have come."
"Beatrice," he says. He picks up her hand seriously, formally. She remembers with sharp misery the moment when Yves asked her to marry him years ago, the same formality. They are, after all, uncle and nephew, so why would they not share gestures, family characteristics?
"I must leave," she says, trying to withdraw her hand, but he retains it.
"Before you go, please understand that I respect and love you. I am dazzled by you, by who you are. I will never ask anything of you except to kiss your feet. Allow me to tell you everything, just once." The intensity of his voice moves her, the contrast of it with his familiar face.
"You honor me," she says helplessly, looking around for her cloak and hat. She remembers that they are in the other room.
"I also love your painting, your instinct for art, and I love them apart from my love for you. You have a splendid gift." He speaks more calmly this time. She realizes that, in spite of the nature of the moment, he is sincere. He is sad, earnest--a man time has already left behind, and who has little time left. He stands before her a moment longer and then disappears into the next room for her things. She ties the bonnet on with shaking fingers; he holds the cloak carefully around her while she b.u.t.tons it at her throat.
When she turns back, there is such loss in his face that she goes to him without allowing herself to think. She kisses his cheek, pauses, then his mouth, swiftly. To her regret, it already feels and 242.
tastes familiar. "I really must go," she says. Neither of them mentions tea or her painting. He holds the door open for her, bowing in silence. She clutches the bal.u.s.trade all the way down the stairs to the street. She listens for the sound of his door closing but does not hear it; perhaps he is still standing in the open doorway at the top of the building. Her carriage will not return for at least another half hour, so she must either walk up to the stables at the end of the block or find a hansom to take her home. She leans against the front of his building for a moment, feeling the facade through her glove, trying to steady her mind. Succeeding.
But later, when she sits alone on her sunporch, trying to make everything simple, the kiss returns, fills the air around her. It floods the high windows, the carpet, the folds of her dress, the pages of her book. "Please understand that I respect and love you." She cannot make the kiss disappear. By the next morning she no longer wants it to. She means no harm--she will do no harm--but she wants to keep that moment with her as long as she can.
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CHAPTER 42 Marlow.
Before dawn, I loaded the car and daydreamed my way up into Virginia, along highways whose embankments had gotten even greener since my trip down. It was a softly chill day, rain falling for a few minutes and then ceasing, falling and ceasing, and I began to long for home. I went straight to my one late appointment at Dupont Circle. The patient talked; out of long habit, I asked the right questions, I listened, I adjusted a prescription, I let him go, confident in my decisions.
When I reached my apartment in the dark, I unpacked quickly, heated a can of soup. After the Hadleys" dreary cottage--I could admit it now; I would have torn the place down in a minute and put up something with twice as many windows--my rooms were pristine, welcoming, the lamps perfectly adjusted on each painting, the linen curtains smooth from last month"s dry cleaning. The place smelled of mineral spirits and oil paint, something I don"t usually notice unless I"ve been away for a few days, and of the narcissus blooming in the kitchen; it had burst out while I was gone, and I watered it gratefully--careful, however, not to overwater. I went to my father"s old set of encyclopedias and put my hand on one spine, then stopped myself. There would be time; I took a hot shower instead, turned out the lights, and went to bed.
The next day was busy: my staff at Goldengrove needed me more than ever because I"d been away; some of my patients had not 244.
done as well as I"d hoped and the nurses seemed cranky; my desk was covered with paperwork. I managed in the first few hours to stop by Robert Oliver"s room. Robert was sitting in a folding chair at the edge of the counter that served as a desk and supply shelf, sketching. His letters lay next to him, arranged in two piles; I wondered how he"d divided them. He closed his sketchbook when I came in and turned to look at me. I took this as a good sign; sometimes he ignored my presence altogether whether he was working or not, and he could keep this up for disconcertingly long periods. His expression was weary and raw, and his eyes shifted from his recognition of my face to a contemplation of my clothes.
I wondered, for perhaps the hundredth time, if his silence was allowing me to underestimate the degree to which his illness currently affected him; possibly it was much more serious than I could judge by observing him, however closely. I also wondered if he could possibly have guessed where I"d been, and I considered settling down in the big chair and asking him to clean his brush and sit on the bed opposite me, to listen while I gave him news of his ex-wife. I could say, I know that when you first kissed her, you lifted her off the floor. I could say, There are still cardinals at your bird feeder, and the mountain laurel is beginning to bloom. I could tell him, I know even better now that you are a genius. Or I could ask, What does "etretat" mean to you?
"How are you, Robert?" I stayed in the doorway.
He turned back to his drawing.
"Fine. Well, I"m off to see some other folks." Why had I used that word? I"d never liked it. I made a quick scan of the room. Nothing seemed different, dangerous, or disturbed. I wished him good sketching, pointing out that the day promised to be sunny, and left him with as genuine a smile as I could manage, although he wasn"t looking.
I fought my way through rounds until the end of the day and stayed late to catch up at my desk. When the day staff was gone and dinner had already been served to the patients and was being 245.
cleared away, I shut my office door and locked it, then sat down at the computer.
And saw what I"d begun to remember. It was a coastal town in Normandy, in an area much painted during the nineteenth century, particularly by Eugene Boudin and his restless young protege, Claude Monet. I found the familiar images--Monet"s tremendous rough cliffs, the famous arch of rock on the beach. But etretat had apparently attracted other painters--lots of them, including Olivier Vignot and even Gilbert Thomas of the self-portrait with coins in the National Gallery; they had both painted that coastline. Almost every painter who could afford to get on one of the new northern railway lines had gone out and had a crack at etretat, it seemed--the masters and the minor ones, the weekend painters and the society watercolorists. Monet"s cliffs rose above all the others in the history of paintings of etretat, but he"d been part of a tradition.
I found a recent photograph of the town; the great arch looked as it had in the Impressionists" day. There were still wide beaches with boats pulled up and overturned on them, cliffs green on top with gra.s.s, little streets lined with elegant old hotels and houses, many of which might have been there when Monet was painting a few yards away. None of this seemed in any way related to the scrawl on Robert Oliver"s wall, except perhaps through his personal library of works on France, where he would surely have come across the name of the town and some depictions of its dramatic setting. Had he been there himself, to experience "joy"? Perhaps on the trip to France that Kate had mentioned? I wondered again if he might be mildly delusional. etretat was a dead end, a beautiful one, the cliff on my screen arching down toward the Channel, disappearing into the water. Monet had painted an astonishing number of views of it, and Robert, unless I"d missed something, had painted none.
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The next day was Sat.u.r.day, and I took a run in the morning, just to the National Zoo and back, thinking about my glimpse of those mountains around Greenhill. Leaning against the gates, stretching my tight hamstrings, I thought for the first time that I might never be able to make Robert well. And how would I know when to stop trying?
247.
CHAPTER 43 Marlow.
The Wednesday morning after my run to the zoo, there was a letter with a Greenhill return address in the upper corner of the envelope waiting for me at Goldengrove. The handwriting was neat, feminine, organized--Kate. I went into my office without stopping to see Robert or any other patients first, shut the door, and took out my letter opener, which had been a gift from my mother on my graduation from college; it often occurred to me that I shouldn"t keep such a treasure in my rather public office, but I liked to have it near me. The letter was one page and, unlike the address on the envelope, typed.
Dear Dr. Marlow: I hope this finds you well. Thank you for your visit to Greenhill. If I was of any a.s.sistance to you or (indirectly) to Robert, I"m glad. I don"t feel I can continue our communication much, and I"m sure you"ll understand. I valued our meeting and am still thinking about it, and I believe that if anyone can help Robert, it will be someone like you.
There was one thing I did not give you while you were here, partly for personal reasons, and partly because I didn"t know if it would be ethical, but I"ve decided I do want you to have it. It"s the last name of the woman who wrote Robert the letters I told you about. I didn"t tell you then that one of them was written on a piece of stationery, and it had her full name at the top. She was a painter, too, as I mentioned to you, and her name was Mary R. Bertison. This is still a very painful topic for me, and I wasn"t sure I wanted to share this detail with you, or f it might even be wrong for me to do so. But if you are going to seriously try to help him, I feel I have to give you her name. Perhaps you will be 248.
able to find out something about who she was, although I"m not sure exactly how that could be useful.
I wish you all the best in your work, and especially in your efforts to help Robert.
Yours truly, Kate Oliver It was a generous, upright, irritable, awkward, kind letter; I could hear in every line Kate"s determination, her decision to do what she thought was right. She would have been sitting at her table in the upstairs library, maybe in the early morning, typing her way stubbornly through her pain, sealing the letter before she could change her mind, making tea in the kitchen afterward, affixing the stamp. She would have been grieved by her own exertions on Robert"s behalf, and yet satisfied with herself--I could see her in neat-fitting top and jeans, sparkling jewels in her ears, setting the letter on a tray by the front door, going to wake the children, saving her smile for them. I felt a sudden pang of loss.
But the letter was the same--the closed door I"d observed before, even if it opened another one, and I had to respect her wishes. I typed a brief response, grateful and professional, and sealed it in an envelope for my staff to mail. Kate had offered me no e-mail address, nor had she used the one on the card I"d handed her in Greenhill; apparently she wanted only this official, slower communication between us, an actual missive crossing the country on an anonymous tide of correspondence. All of it sealed. It was what we might have done in the nineteenth century, I thought, this polite, secret exchange on paper, conversation at a remove. I put Kate"s letter away in my personal files rather than in Robert"s chart.
The rest was surprisingly easy, not a detective story at all. Mary R. Bertison lived in the DC limits, and her full name was listed, bold and clear, in the phone book, which said she resided on 3rd Street, Northeast. In other words, as I"d suspected, she was quite possibly alive. It was strange to me to see this artifact of silent 249.
Robert Oliver"s life lying out in the open. There could, I supposed, be more than one woman with this name in the city, but I doubted it. After lunch I phoned the number from my desk, my door shut once more against other eyes and ears. Mary Bertison might, I thought, be at home, since she was a painter; on the other hand, if she was a painter she probably had a day job, as I did--in my case, the little matter of my being a licensed doctor of medicine fifty-five hours a week. Her line rang five or six times. My hope diminished with each ring--I wanted to catch her by surprise-- and an answering machine clicked on. "You have reached Mary Bertison at--," a female voice said firmly. The voice was a pleasant one, made a little harsh, perhaps, by the necessity of recording a phone message, but firm on the ear, an educated alto.
It occurred to me now that she might actually respond better to a courteous message than to a startling live call, and it would give her time to think over my request. "h.e.l.lo, Ms. Bertison. This is Dr. Andrew Marlow--I"m an attending psychiatrist at Goldengrove Residential Center in Rockville. I"m currently working with a patient who I understand is a friend of yours, a painter, and I wondered if you might be willing to give us a little a.s.sistance."
That careful "us"--it made me flinch in spite of myself. This was hardly a team project. And the message itself was enough to worry her, if she still considered him a close friend, at the least. But if he"d lived with her, or come to Washington to be with her, as Kate suspected, why on earth hadn"t she turned up at Goldengrove herself by now? On the other hand, the papers hadn"t reported his being placed in psychiatric care. "You can call me here at the center most weekdays, and I will get back to you as soon as possible. The number is--" I gave it clearly, added my pager information, and hung up.
Then I went to see Robert, feeling in spite of myself as if I had visible blood on my hands. Kate hadn"t told me not to mention Mary 250.
Bertison to him, but when I reached his room I was still thinking about whether or not to do this. I had called someone who might not otherwise ever have learned that Robert was in psychiatric care. You can even talk with Mary, he had told me contemptuously on his first day at Goldengrove. He had said nothing more, however, and there must be twenty million Marys in the United States. He might remember exactly what he"d said. But would I have to explain where I"d gotten her last name?
I knocked and called in to him, although his door was slightly open. Robert was painting, standing calmly at the easel with his brush raised and his great shoulders relaxed and natural; I wondered for a moment if he"d experienced some recovery over the last few days. Did he really need to be here just because he wouldn"t speak? Then he looked up with a frown, and I saw the red in his eyes, the stark misery that came over his face at the sight of me.
I sat down in the armchair and spoke before I could lose my nerve. "Robert, why don"t you simply tell me about it?"
It came out sounding more like frustration than I"d intended. He seemed startled, to my sneaking pleasure--at least I"d gotten a response. But I was less pleased to see a faint smile of what I took to be triumph, conquest, touch his lips, as if my question proved he"d flushed me out again.
In fact, that made me mad as h.e.l.l after a moment, and perhaps precipitated my decision. "You could tell me, for example, about Mary Bertison. Have you thought about getting in touch with her? Or, a better question--why hasn"t she been here to see you?"
He started forward, raising his hand with the brush in it before controlling himself again. His eyes were huge, full of that choked intelligence I"d seen in them the day we"d met, before he"d learned to veil it in my presence. But he could not respond without losing at his own game, and he managed to say nothing. I felt a twinge of pity; he"d painted himself into this corner, and now he had to sit there. If he spoke even of his rage at me, or at the world, or possibly at Mary Bertison--or asked me how I knew about her--he 251.
would give up the only piece of privacy and power he"d kept for himself: the right to remain silent in the face of his torment. "All right," I said--gently, I hoped. Yes, I was sorry for him, but I knew he would take an extra advantage now as well; he would have ample time in which to ponder and guess at my activities, the possible sources of my knowledge of Mary Bertison"s last name. I considered a.s.suring him that I would let him know myself, if and when I found his particular Mary, and what, if anything, she communicated to me.
But I had already given away so much that I decided to keep my own counsel again; if he could, so could I. I sat with him in silence another five minutes, while he fiddled with the brush in his big hand and stared at the canvas. Finally, I got up. I turned at the door for a second, almost repenting; his rumpled head was bent, his eyes on the floor, and his misery went through me in a wave. It followed me, in fact, down the hall and to the rooms of my other, more ordinary (I confess that was my feeling, although it"s not a word I like to apply to any case) patients with their more ordinary derangements.
I had patients to see all afternoon, but most of them were reasonably stable, and I drove home with a feeling of satisfaction, almost contentment. The haze over Rock Creek Parkway was golden, and the water glinted in its bed as I took each curve. It seemed to me that a painting I"d been working at all week ought to be set aside for a while; it was a portrait from a photograph of my father, and the nose and mouth simply weren"t right, but perhaps if I worked on something else for a few days I could come back to it with more success. I had some tomatoes--not much good for eating at this season, but sufficiently luminous--that wouldn"t spoil for a week. If I set them in the window of my studio, they might const.i.tute a kind of updated Bonnard, or--if I wanted to be less self-denigrating about it--a new Marlow. The light was the problem, but I could catch a little evening sunshine after work now that the 252.
days were longer, and if I could muster the energy I might get up even earlier and start a morning canvas as well.
I was already thinking about colors and the placement of the tomatoes, so that I hardly remembered swinging my car into the garage, a dank s.p.a.ce under my apartment building whose rent costs nearly half the apartment"s. Every now and then I wished for another job, one I didn"t have to drive to regularly alongside all of bad-tempered suburban DC, so that I could give up my car. But how could I leave Goldengrove? And the idea of sitting in the office at Dupont Circle full-time with patients well enough to walk in there for counsel did not appeal to me.
My mind was full of these things--my still life, the sunset glancing off the trickle of Rock Creek, the tempers of my fellow drivers--and my hands were occupied fishing out my keys; I took, as always, the stairs, for extra exercise. I didn"t see her until I was nearly at my own door. She stood leaning against the wall as if she"d been there awhile, relaxed and yet impatient, her arms folded, her boots braced. As I remembered, she wore jeans and a long white shirt, this time with a dark blazer over them, her hair mahogany in the bad lighting of the hall. I was so astonished that I stopped "in my tracks"; I knew then, and would know ever after, what that phrase really meant.
"You," I said, but it did not begin to undo my confusion. She was without a doubt the girl from the museum, the one who had smiled conspiratorially at me in front of the Manet still life at the National Gallery, the one who had studied the Gilbert Thomas Leda with attention and smiled at me again on the sidewalk. I had thought of her perhaps once, perhaps twice, and then forgotten about her. Where had she come from? It was as if she lived in a different realm, like a fairy or an angel, and had reappeared without any pa.s.sage of time, without human explanations.
She stood straight and put out her hand. "Dr. Marlow?"
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CHAPTER 44 Marlow.
Yes," I said, balanced there with my keys hanging limp in my fingers, my other hand uncertain in hers. I was struck by the muted ferocity in her manner, and again, inevitably, by her looks. She was as tall as I was, somewhere in her thirties, lovely and yet not in any conventional way; she was a presence. The light shone on her hair, her bangs cut too straight and too short across her white forehead, the long, smooth purple-red wave of the rest of it falling far past her shoulders. Her grip on my hand was strong, and I instinctively tightened mine to meet it.
She smiled a little, as if seeing things from my point of view. "I"m sorry I startled you. I"m Mary Bertison."
I couldn"t stop staring at her. "But you were at the museum. The National Gallery." And then a moment of disappointment washing over even my confusion: she was not the curly-haired muse of Robert"s dream life. Another wash of wonder: I had also seen her recently in a painting, dressed in her blue jeans and a loose silk shirt.
Now she frowned, clearly confused in turn, and dropped my hand.
"I mean," I repeated, "we"ve met once already, more or less. In front of Leda, and that Manet still life, you know, with the gla.s.ses and the fruit." I felt foolish. Why had I thought she would remember me? "I see--you--yes, you must have gone to see Robert"s painting. That is, Gilbert Thomas"s painting."
"I do remember you now," she said slowly, and it was clear that she wasn"t a woman to lie about this, to flatter. She stood straight, 254.
unabashed at having invaded my very home, gazing at me. "You smiled, and then outside--"
"Did you go there to see Robert"s painting?" I repeated.
"Yes, the one he tried to stab." She nodded. "I had just found out about it, because someone gave me the article a few weeks late--a friend happened on it. I don"t usually read the papers." Then she laughed, not bitterly but with a kind of amus.e.m.e.nt at the strangeness of the situation, as if she found it fitting. "How funny. If you"d known or I"d known--who the other was--we could have talked right there instead."
I collected myself and unlocked the door. It was without question unorthodox for me to have a discussion about a patient in my own apartment--in fact, I knew it wasn"t a good idea, letting in this attractive stranger--but hospitality and curiosity were getting the better of me already. I had called her, after all, and she had appeared almost at once, as if magically summoned. "How did you find my apartment?" Unlike her, I wasn"t listed in the phone directory.
"The Internet--it wasn"t difficult, once I had your name and number."
I ushered her in ahead of me. "Please. Now that you"re here, we might as well talk."
"Yes, otherwise we"d be throwing away a second opportunity." Her teeth were creamy and bright. I remembered now that jaunty poise, her balance in boots and jeans, the delicate blouse under her jacket, as if she were part cowboy and part fine lady.
"Please sit down and give me a minute to organize myself. Can I get you some tea? Juice?" I decided to ameliorate my having invited her in by at least not pouring her any alcohol, although I was beginning to long uncharacteristically for a drink myself.
"Thank you," she said with great politeness, and sat as gracefully as a guest in a Victorian drawing room, arranging herself with a single neat motion in one of my linen chairs, her boots crossed, feet tucked to one side, hands thin and elegant in her lap.
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She was a puzzle. I noticed the educated sound of her speech, as I had noticed it in her answering machine message, her deliberate, refined way of speaking. Her voice was soft but also firm and carrying. A teacher, I thought again. She followed me with her eyes. "Yes, some juice, please, if it"s no trouble."
I went into the kitchen and poured two gla.s.ses of orange juice, all I had on hand, and put a few crackers on a plate. As I returned with the tray balanced before me, I remembered Kate serving me in her living room in Greenhill, letting me carry the salmon in to the lunch table. And later giving me this strange, graceful girl"s last name, the key to finding her.
"I wasn"t a hundred percent certain I had the right Mary Bertison," I said, handing her a gla.s.s. "But if you hang around in front of paintings Robert Oliver has tried to slash, that can"t be coincidence."
"Of course not." She sipped her juice, set down the gla.s.s, faced me with pleading in her eyes for the first time, the bravado gone. "I"m sorry I"m intruding on you like this. I haven"t had firsthand news of Robert in almost three months, and I was worried--" She did not add "brokenhearted," but I wondered, from the sudden control she seemed to be exercising over her mobile face, if this might be a better adjective. "I certainly wasn"t going to get in touch with him myself. We"d had a big fight, you see. I thought he"d just shut himself away somewhere to work, to ignore me, and that I"d hear from him eventually. I was worried for weeks and then very surprised when I got your message, and since it was already the end of the workday I realized I wouldn"t catch you at Goldengrove and wouldn"t sleep all night if I couldn"t get some news from you."
"Why didn"t you try my pager?" I asked. "Not that I"m sorry to have this chance to speak with you--I"m very glad you showed up."
"Are you?" I saw that she forgave me, in turn, for being glib. Robert Oliver certainly chose interesting women. She smiled. "I 256.
did try your pager number, but if you check it, you"ll discover it"s turned off."
I checked; she was right. "I"m sorry," I said. "I try never to let that happen."
"This is better anyway, that we can talk in person." The quiver was gone, the self-confidence back, the smile breaking forth. "Please tell me Robert"s all right. I"m not asking to see him--in fact, I really don"t want to. I just want to know he"s safe."
"He"s safely under our care, and I think he"s all right," I reported cautiously. "For now, and as long as he"s with us. But he"s also been depressed and sometimes agitated. What concerns me most is his lack of cooperation. He won"t speak."
She appeared to take this in, biting the inside of her cheek for a few seconds and staring at me. "Not at all?"
"Never. Well, the first day, a little. In fact, one of the few things he said to me that day was "You can even talk with Mary if you want." That"s why I felt at liberty to call you."
"That"s all he"s ever said about me?"
"It"s more than he"s said about almost anyone else. It"s almost all he"s ever said in my presence. He mentioned his ex-wife as well."
She nodded. "And that"s how you found me, because he mentioned me."
"Not exactly." I took the plunge, on instinct. "Kate told me your last name."
It did startle her, and to my astonishment her eyes filled with tears. "That was good of her," she said brokenly. I got up and fetched her a tissue. "Thank you."
"Do you know Kate?"