The Tatami Galaxy

In the two years before the spring of my junior year of college, I accomplished not a single thing of practical use. Instead of building healthy relationships with the opposite s.e.x, studying diligently, training my body, and undertaking other activities directed towards becoming a productive member of society, I isolated myself from women, abandoned my studies, and let my health fall to ruin. Yet, despite having struck out already, why is it that I continued to labor away hoping for the pieces to fall into place?

I must inquire of the responsible party. Where is the culprit?

It is not that I have always been in this condition.

I was born pure as the driven snow and as charming as the infant Prince Genji; with nary an impure thought in my head, my radiant smile spread the light of love across the hills and valleys of my hometown. I am doubtful whether that is still the case today. Each time that I look in a mirror I fly into a rage, asking "Why have you become like this? Is this the sum of your current existence?"

There are those who say that I am still young, and that people are things that may yet change.

How ridiculous.

It is said that the child is the father of the man. And with this year, another one will be added to my twenty, and the end of my splendid quarter-century youth will soon approach. What outcome, then, would further clumsy efforts to change my personality bring about? At this stage, if I attempt to twist something that has already set and hardened, the most I"ll do is break it.

At this moment, I must pull myself upward into leading a respectable life. I must not avert my eyes from the grim reality that lies before me.

And yet, somehow, it is unbearable to look.

The princ.i.p.al character of this memoir is none other than I. The other lead player is one Master Higuchi. Between these two patricians is inserted a minor character of diminutive stature, Ozu.

On the subject of myself, there is little else to say than that I am a proud third-year university student. However, to suit my readers I shall consent to describe my appearance.

Let us take a journey through Kyoto. From Kawaramachi Sanjō you stroll west along the shopping arcade. The crowds are out in force on this fine spring weekend. As you glance through the windows of the gift shops and tea houses, you suddenly see a raven-haired maiden, the kind that makes your heart skip a beat, coming your way. She"s so radiant that everything around her pales in comparison. Her coolly brilliant eyes turn to a man walking beside her. He is in his early twenties, his eyes clear, his brow firm, a refreshing smile always on his lips. No matter what acrobatic angle you inspect him from, it is impossible to find any flaws on his intellectual face. He is about 180cm tall, and well built, but with nary a trace of the brute in his fine frame. He has an easy gait, and yet there is confidence in each step. He is flawless in every respect, and always has a pleasant aura about him. If there is a gold standard to judge a man by, he is it.

Please, I would like you to imagine that person whenever you think of me.

I am doing this solely for the convenience of my readers, and as such I am certainly not portraying myself as more beautiful than I am in real life, or trying to make high school girls go gaga over me, or scheming to become cla.s.s representative and receive my diploma directly from the hands of the university president at graduation. So, dear readers, please engrave that image exactly as I have just described it into your heads, and think of it whenever you think of me.

It"s true that there is no raven-haired maiden beside me at present, and there may also be a few other points of difference as well, but those are minor quibbles. It"s what"s on the inside that"s important.

Let us continue to the matter of Master Higuchi.

I live in room 110 of Shimogamo Yūsuisō, a boarding house located in Shimogamo Izumigawa that resembles Kowloon Walled City, while he lives a floor above me in room 210. For two years, until our abrupt parting at the end of the May of my third year here, I was his apprentice. I neglected my studies to practice asceticism, yet in the end I learned only useless things and improved the most worthless parts of my character, while simultaneously neglecting the better parts.

It was widely rumored that Master Higuchi was an eighth-year student. His prolonged presence on campus had granted him an aura of mystery, like that of an animal that has lived much longer than was normal.

He always had an easy smile on his eggplant-shaped face, which somehow gave him the vague impression of a n.o.bleman. However, he always had a lazy bush of stubble sprouting from his chin. He always wore the same blue yukata, with an old jumper put on over it during the winter; with that garb on he would often be found at a stylish café sipping a cappuccino. He didn"t own an electric fan, but knew a thousand different places to cool off during the dog days of summer. His hair was fantastically disheveled, as if a typhoon had made landfall on his head and left everything else untouched. He often puffed on cigars. Occasionally he would dash off to school as if he had just remembered that he was a student, but by now there was probably no way he could get enough credits to graduate. Though he didn"t speak a word of Chinese, he was quite friendly with the Chinese exchange students who lived in the boarding house; I once came across him having his hair cut by one of the Chinese girls. I had lent him a copy of Jules Verne"s Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea almost a year ago, and he was still leisurely flipping through its pages, refusing to return it. In his room was a globe that he had stolen from me, meticulously dotted with pins. I didn"t learn until later that those pins tracked the voyage of the Nautilus around the world.

Master Higuchi never actually put forth any effort to accomplish anything, being too absorbed in his grand way of living. Depending on how you looked at it, it was either a cultured philosophy buoyed by a fearsome stoicism, or the pinnacle of foolishness.

Lastly we come to Ozu.

Ozu is a student the same year as I. Though he is a member of the electrical engineering department, he hates electricity, electronics and engineering. His first-year grades were so borderline that I wondered if there was any point to him being in university at all. He, however, wasn"t concerned in the slightest.

Because he despises vegetables and adheres strictly to a diet of fast food, he has the extremely eerie look and complexion of someone from the far side of the moon. If you were to meet him the street late at night eight out of ten people would mistake him for a youkai. The remaining two people are certainly youkai themselves.

Cruelly beating the weak, groveling to the strong, selfish, self-a.s.sured, lazy, a complete demon, neglecting studies, lacking a shred of pride, feeding off the unhappiness of others he was able to eat three square meals a day. There is not a single part of him that is praiseworthy. If I had never met him my soul surely would have been cleaner for it.

Keeping that in mind, becoming a disciple of Master Higuchi in the spring of my freshman year was mostly a.s.suredly a mistake.

At the time, I was still a sparkling freshman. The cherry trees had shed their flowers, clad now in an invigorating verdant hue. Upon entering the university grounds, each first-year was immediately pressed with club fliers, I with so many that they could not be processed by a single person. Among those sundry fliers, only four caught my attention: Misogi Movie Circle, a mysterious call for disciples, Honwaka Softball Circle, and the Lucky Cat Restaurant secret society. Each of these had its own air of suspicion, yet was its own doorway to a yet unknown campus life, and I was filled with inquisitiveness, thinking that no matter which I chose a fascinating future lay ahead. The only reason I thought this was because I was a hopeless fool.

After lectures, I directed my steps towards the university clock tower. It seemed that many circles were holding new member information sessions in that vicinity.

Around the base of the clock tower milled throngs of freshmen, their faces still blushing with springs of hope, as well as crafty circle members, eager to prey on those same hopes. Thinking that among these countless circles lay an entrance to the phantasmic illusion of the entrance to a rosy student life, I wandered around in a lightheaded daze.

The first thing I noticed was a group of students holding a billboard displaying "Misogi Movie Circle". It looked like they were screening a movie as a way of welcoming potential new recruits. However as I didn"t have the nerve to introduce myself I kept circling the clock tower, scrutinizing one of the fliers I was holding. On it was written in large, bold letters, "Disciples Wanted".

"Clairvoyance to find the fated maiden within the crowds of Gion, and ears which perceiveth even the sound of cherry blossoms falling into the ca.n.a.ls. Appearing everywhere within the capital, pa.s.sing freely between heaven and earth. In the land of the G.o.ds he is known to all, feared by all, master of all. His name is Higuchi Shintaro. Come, young ones who hold promise. a.s.semble on the thirtieth of April before the clock tower. No phone number."

Of all the dubious fliers in the world, surely there was none that could match this. And yet, I began to think that by steeling my nerves and jumping headlong into this brave new world I would lay the foundation of the glorious future that was sure to come. Ambition was not a vice, but going down the wrong path would surely lead to ruin.

As I scrutinized this flier, a voice suddenly called out to me. "My good fellow." I turned around, and was greeted with the sight of a very odd person who had been standing behind me. Though this was a college campus he was wearing a threadbare yukata, puffing on a cigar, and sporting a five o"clock shadow on his scruffy eggplant-shaped face. I couldn"t tell whether he was a college student or not. Though he radiated a fundamentally suspicious aura, for some reason his bearing and his roguish, endearing smile gave him the demeanor of a n.o.bleman..

This was Master Higuchi.

"I see you"ve found my flier. I am currently seeking disciples."

"What kind of disciples?"

"Come, come, no need to be so hasty. This is your senior disciple."

Beside the Master stood an eerie-looking fellow with a face of ill portent. For a moment, I thought he was a h.e.l.lsp.a.w.n that only I could see.

"I"m Ozu. Pleased to meet you," he said.

"Though he is your mentor, he only has you beat by 15 minutes," Master Higuchi chuckled dryly.

Though we would go on to visit bars hundreds of times, the only time I was ever treated by Master Higuchi would be that first time. As I was not accustomed to drinking. I became rather boisterous, and immediately hit it off with Master Higuchi upon learning that he lived in the same boarding house as I. We went back to his 4½-tatami room, and together with Ozu started heatedly discussing some impenetrable topic.

At first Ozu was quiet, as though he were Death himself standing ominously at your bedside, but he soon started to babble on on the subject of t.i.ts. We argued pa.s.sionately about whether the b.r.e.a.s.t.s that we saw with our eyes were real or not, and eventually discussing the matter in terms of quantum mechanics. At this point, Master Higuchi stated, "It doesn"t matter whether they"re real or not. What matters is whether you believe they are." Soon after this profound statement, I lost consciousness.

Thus, I became Master Higuchi"s disciple, and became acquainted with Ozu.

What kind of disciple was I? That was a question to which, even after two years, I still did not know the answer.

a.s.sociating with the eccentric Master Higuchi meant that lofty ideals like perseverance, humility, and decorum went right out the window. Even if I were to confront him with these splendid principles, in the end neither of us wretched beings would gain anything. The first thing I had to learn in dealing with him was the concept of tribute. This meant food and sundries.

The only ones who went in and out of the Master"s room were me and Ozu, Akashi, and a dental hygienist named Hanuki. Yet at times, the Master would depend solely on us for 90% of his food. I suppose he consumed the morning dew for the other 10%.

I wonder what he would do if we all were to suddenly cut all ties with him. Only a novice would think that he would lift a finger to help himself. In fact, losing his food source would only make the Master even more regally determined not to make any effort: such was the unparallelled resolve of the Master, attained through his rigorous ascetic lifestyle. If a shortage of food was all it took to make him desperate, he would already have acted, given the hard times he had fallen on, on top of his lackl.u.s.ter academic results. A mere famine would hardly be enough to perturb him. Such was the art of the Master: to convince us that he would rather starve to death than put in the effort to help himself.

Even if we were to stop sending him food, we weren"t certain that he would actually get hungry at all. It seemed that he had the mystical power of being able to stave off pangs of hunger simply by puffing on his cigar. Few students have managed to attain such a state of mind.

It was hard to imagine such a person being afraid of anything, but there was a single incident where he admitted to being afraid.

Not only did he refuse to return that book he had borrowed from me, he also never returned library books. When I brought up the fact that his books were due six months ago, he simply replied "That"s right. That"s why I"m afraid of the Library Police."

"Is there such a thing as Library Police?" I asked Ozu.

"There is!" he replied with a look of dread. "It"s an organization that uses the most inhuman methods to forcibly retrieve overdue library books."

"Liar."

"You got me."

One night, I found myself part of a clandestine gathering on the Yoshida Shrine road in the Sakyo ward.

Though many high school and college students come here to pray for success in their exams each year, it"s said that Yoshida Shrine has the mystical power to automatically make anyone who does so fail their exams, and that half the water in Lake Biwa is composed of the tears shed by all the souls who are forced to take a gap year on account of failing to make it into their dream schools. I maintained a respectful distance from the shrine, but even that precaution didn"t keep all my grades from slipping away like so much sand through my fingers. The magic of Yoshida Shrine is certainly not something to be trifled with.

Given how many credits I was missing, I did not want to so much as step foot onto the shrine grounds, but due to a series of unfortunate events I was compelled to attend this midnight coven on the shrine road.

It had been two years since I had entered university. Now that May was almost over, it was sweltering during the day, but when night fell the air turned cool. Illuminated only by the glimmering light of the campus clock tower, Konoe Street was all but deserted; only the occasional nocturnal student slithered by. If this had been a nighttime tryst with an artless raven-haired maiden, I wouldn"t have minded waiting here all alone at all. In fact, I probably would have felt a sheepish excitement. However, tonight I was here to see Ozu, a filthy, black-hearted, Y chromosome-bearing youkai. I wanted to just bail on the meeting and leave now, but if I did, I would lose my standing with Master Higuchi. Reluctantly, I waited. Ozu was supposed to come in a car borrowed from an uppercla.s.sman in his circle called Aijima. I whiled away the minutes by imagining Ozu accidentally running off the road and being smashed into a million little pieces.

After some time, a little round car came trundling down East Ichijō Street and stopped near the main campus gate. From within a dark figure hopped out and started walking my way; to my great sorrow, it was Ozu.

"Good evening. Did you wait long?" he asked pleasantly.

Tonight his demeanor was even more suspect than usual, as though the harbinger of a most imminent doom: he could scarcely hide his antic.i.p.ation towards what was about to transpire.This was a person who sated himself on three meals of other people"s misfortune every day. Keep in mind that the immoral, shameless plan for tonight was solely this man"s idea and was not in any way suggested by me. I am the polar opposite of him: a veritable saint, a man of virtue. I was only doing this for the sake of the Master.

We got in the car and started driving towards the maze of residential districts to the south. Ozu was in a very bubbly mood.

"Akashi"s refusal almost sank the entire plan, man. Of all the places to go soft, am I right?"

"Most upstanding people would be opposed to this, especially me!"

"This again? You know you actually enjoy it on the inside."

"As if I would! I"m only here on the Master"s orders, don"t forget that," I repeated. "You do realize this is illegal, don"t you?":

"Really now?" he tilted his head, but the effect was less cute than eerie.

"A most heinous crime. Trespa.s.sing, theft, kidnapping" I reeled them off.

"Kidnapping only applies to humans, doesn"t it? We"re only stealing a love doll."

"Don"t say it so plainly! Use code words, or something."

"You say that, but I know you really just interested in seeing it yourself. We go back way too far for you to be able to hide that kind of thing from me. You probably want to touch it, too. What a perv you are."

He leered suggestively at me.

"Fine. I"m leaving."

I made to undo my seatbelt and open the door, at which he hastily backpedaled with the most soothing voice he could muster. "All right, all right," he said. "That was uncalled for. Cheer up, huh? It"s all for the Master"s sake, after all."

The origins of the conflict have long since been lost in the mists of time, but Master Higuchi called it the "m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War". All I could glean from the name was that it was some sort of uncivilized squabble. About five years ago, Master Higuchi and a man named Jōgasaki had had a falling out, and with one thing leading to another, the neighborhood was soon enveloped in the flames of war which continued even to the present day.

Sometimes Master Higuchi would, out of the blue, remember to hara.s.s Jōgasaki, who would return fire; this cycle repeated over and over. Each successive generation of the Master"s disciples was called to toss away its dignity and champion his cause in this imbroglio. I was no exception. The only one who showed any enthusiasm towards this duty was Ozu, who appeared to be in his element.

Jōgasaki was the head of a certain movie circle, and as a doctoral student wielded considerable power, but alas, Ozu was also a member of that circle. Last autumn, Ozu had used every trick he had up his sleeve and actually expelled Jōgasaki from the circle. As befitting his underhanded nature, Ozu had goaded Aijima, who was also part of the circle, into pulling off a coup d"état. Jōgasaki still bore a grudge against Aijima, the ringleader of the conspiracy, but had no clue that it was actually Ozu pulling the strings behind the scenes.

Not knowing what to do with himself after being kicked out, Jōgasaki renewed the age-old war with Master Higuchi. Things escalated from minor spats, and finally culminated in April of this year with Master Higuchi"s beloved blue yukata being dyed pink. Master Higuchi ordered Ozu to draft a plan for a counterattack. Ozu, displaying his cunning as the lieutenant of darkness, came up with a plan most vile.

It was called "Operation: Kidnap Kaori".

Jōgasaki lived at the foot of Mount Yoshida, in a recently rebuilt charming two-story apartment building next to a bamboo grove in Yoshida Shimo Ōjichō. Ozu and I left the car and hid ourselves in the shadows of a concrete wall next to the apartment. I felt like an agent from the depths of h.e.l.l, and I was sure that Jōgasaki would have agreed. Considering that we were stealing his most beloved treasure, we could hardly protest if he were to call us h.e.l.lions sent from the abyss.

Ozu peeped over the top of the concrete wall. Jōgasaki lived on the second floor, on the south side of the building, and the lights were still on inside his place.

"What"s he still doing in there?" A note of frustration crept into his voice. "We"re in a bind if Akashi doesn"t hold up her end of the deal."

"I feel kind of bad for her. We shouldn"t have forced her to help us."

"What? She"s one of Master Higuchi"s disciples as well, and we need her for this. When it comes to idiots, there"s no difference between males and females."

We stood in the alley trying not to move, squirming in the darkness where the streetlights couldn"t reach. If we were spotted by someone, they"d surely report us.

The longer we stood there, the more I felt myself being polluted by Ozu"s foul influence. If it had been a raven-haired maiden by my side, crouching here in the darkness wouldn"t have been such a big deal. Unfortunately, it was Ozu. Why did I hide myself next to this sinister fellow? Did I go wrong somewhere? Was the fault within myself? At least give me someone more like-minded to myself, if not a raven-haired maiden.

"I"m starting to get worried. It looks like the schedule"s gone awry."

"There"s no way Akashi would cooperate in a crime like this. Let"s just call it a day."

"We can"t. We"ve already gone to the trouble of borrowing Aijima"s car, there"s no way we can give up now."

Ozu frowned and clung to the wall like a gecko.

"So what exactly happened between Master Higuchi and Jōgasaki anyhow? Why are they continuing this pointless battle? And why the h.e.l.l do we have to do this?" I complained.

"The m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War."

"And what"s that?"

"Beats me." Ozu c.o.c.ked his head. "I don"t understand it either."

"So basically we"re wasting our precious youth fighting a war that n.o.body remembers the reason for. Isn"t there something else we could be doing?"

"This is part of our training to develop ourselves as human beings. Though it"s obvious that standing around here with you is a waste of time."

"That"s what I"m saying!"

"Don"t look at me with those eyes!"

"Oi, stop clinging to me."

"But I"m lonely, and this wind is making me cold."

"You lonely b.a.s.t.a.r.d—"

"Kyaa!"

Killing time in the darkness with this mockery of a lovers" quarrel was not much of a distraction. And for some reason, it felt like I had done this before, which began to frustrate me.

"Hey, haven"t we had a conversation like this before?"

"No way, not something this dumb. It"s probably just déjà vu."

Suddenly Ozu crouched down. I followed suit.

"The light in his room just went out."

We held our breath, as a man came tramping down the stairs. He went to the bike lot and wheeled out a scooter. I had seen him several times before, and no matter how I looked at him he seemed to be a splendid fellow with a lot going for him, not like one to waste time on something as silly as the m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War.

Compared to his overflowing vitality, the only thing that was overflowing from us was rotten juices.

"What a stud," I sighed.

"You can"t judge on appearances, you know. He looks good on the outside, but the only thing that goes through his head is t.i.ts."

"You"re a fine one to talk."

"How rude. I"ll have you know that I restrain myself properly when I think about b.r.e.a.s.t.s."

Oblivious to the two of us standing next to the wall arguing about b.r.e.a.s.t.s, Jōgasaki put on his helmet, straddled his bike, and rode off towards the east.

We oozed out of the darkness and went around to the stairs.

"He won"t be back for a while," Ozu giggled.

"Where is he going?"

"Karafune Café on Shirakawa Street. He"ll be waiting there drinking coffee for at least two hours, but what he doesn"t know is that Akashi is never going to show up. What a moron!"

"Well that sucks."

"Now, let"s get to work!"

He ascended the stairs. Now we had free access to his room, except that neither of us knew how to pick a lock. For that, Ozu had gone through Jōgasaki"s ex-girlfriend and surrept.i.tiously obtained a copy of the key. It wasn"t just the matter of the lock; Ozu knew absolutely everything about Jōgasaki"s private life. Once, when Jōgasaki was exchanging letters with a woman, Ozu even got his hands on the letters themselves; such was his meticulousness.

"He who controls information controls the world." He was fond of such acrobatic sayings, and in his notebook, almost like the Heibonsha World Encyclopedia in its thoroughness, were carefully written down the deepest secrets of various people. Whenever I thought about this I was overcome with the urge to run as far away from this twisted individual as my legs would take me..

Upon opening the door we were greeted with a kitchen and a 4½-tatami room with wooden floors; across from us was a gla.s.s door part.i.tioning off the rest of the apartment. Ozu slid in first, his experienced hands deftly finding the lights as if he was used to coming into this apartment. When I mentioned this, he nodded.

"He was the circle leader, after all. He still makes me come over sometimes so he can complain to me, and that usually takes a while. It"s quite a pain," he replied matter-of-factly.

"You scoundrel."

"I"d rather you call me a strategist."

I didn"t want to get too involved in this crime, so like a gentleman I stepped past the front door but went no further.

"Come on, this way," Ozu urged, but I stood my ground.

"You go look for it. I"m not going past here. It"s only manners, after all."

"We"re already here, aren"t we? Well, if you still want to play the gentleman at this point, suit yourself."

Giving up the dispute, Ozu went further into the apartment alone. From the dark reaches of the back room, I could hear him rustling around, followed by the sound of him stumbling over something. Presently he started to chortle and talk to himself, sounding irritatingly pleased.

"Come on, Kaori, don"t be shy. Dump that loser Jōgasaki and come along with me."

After a short while Ozu emerged into the kitchen carrying a woman beneath his arm. My jaw just about dropped to the floor.

"This is Kaori," he announced. "d.a.m.n, I didn"t reckon on her being so heavy."

Many people, myself included, are aware of the existence of the miserable things called "Dutch Wives", otherwise known as s.e.x dolls. At the time, I disdained them as objects bought exclusively by sobbing, pitiful men unable to resist their carnal desires.

In May, Ozu learned that Jōgasaki secretly had a Dutch Wife of his own. This was no ordinary s.e.x doll: it was made of super-premium quality silicone and cost over one hundred thousand yen. He insisted that it was only proper to call it a love doll.

If you were to say that Jōgasaki had been driven to the depths of despair by suddenly being kicked out of his own circle, as well as dumped by his girlfriend, and had succ.u.mbed to his loneliness, it might be understandable, if unlikely, for him to impulsively buy such a thing. But that was not the case. It seemed that Jōgasaki had owned that love doll for at least two years. In that time he had also been romantically involved with real women, so in a sense you could say that he was a hardcore love doll fanatic. It was hard for me to imagine it.

"Living with and cherishing a love doll is a special thing. It has absolutely nothing to do with whether you have a real girlfriend or not. It"s a very refined sort of love, something a brute like you who only sees a love doll as a tool could never understand."

Since it was Ozu saying this, I was pretty sure that all of that was malarkey.

And yet, the love doll called Kaori that Ozu dragged out was so beautiful, so exquisite, I could hardly believe it was just a doll. Her black hair was combed neatly, and her elegant clothing was properly b.u.t.toned up. Her dreamy eyes gazed gently at me.

I unconsciously blurted out, "So that"s…".

Ozu raised a finger to his lips, hissing "Shhh! Not so loud!" He almost looked proud, as if to say, "Here she is. If you"re not careful, you might fall for her!"

He laid her down on the kitchen floor with some difficulty, as though she weighed as much as a real person. It was like an ill.u.s.tration from a Showera horror novel brought to life: a repulsive youkai crouching beside a sleeping beauty.

"Come on, we need to get her to the car."

Unexpectedly business-like in contrast to his appearance, Ozu urged me to pick Kaori up. She simply lay there smiling sweetly. Her skin looked just like regular skin, and was soft to the touch. Her hair was carefully groomed, her clothes were arranged with nary a thread out of place. You might have thought that she was a lady born into n.o.bility, frozen in time as she gazed wistfully into the distance.

As I stared at her, I became aroused—I mean, aroused to anger.

Though I wasn"t personally acquainted with Jōgasaki, I had to admit that this was a very insular, but refined sort of love. Kaori had such an elegant expression on her face, it was impossible to imagine her leading any sort of corrupt lifestyle. Her smoothed hair, her immaculate clothing, everything indicated the depth of Jōgasaki"s love for her. A brigand like Ozu, who saw her only as a tool for s.e.xual gratification, would never understand. To ruin the delicate, graceful world that Jōgasaki and Kaori had constructed would be an unforgivable crime, a mortal sin, even were it under the Master"s orders. It was outrageous to s.n.a.t.c.h her away from here.

I, who had thus far walked this barren path without questioning Master Higuchi, could not swallow the cruel act in front of me. Master, I just can"t do it.

I seized Ozu, who was still gleefully pawing her all over, by the lapels.

"Stop that."

"Why?"

"I won"t let you lay a finger on her."

Jōgasaki, lift your head up and keep walking on your own path. The future is what you make of it. I let out an encouraging yell in my heart. Of course, it was directed towards Kaori as well.

That night, I returned to my residence dragging Ozu behind me, who was still making all sorts of dissenting cries like a small animal.

I lived in a boarding house called Shimogamo Yūsuisō, which is located in Shimogamo Izumigawa. I had heard that the place had burned down in the chaos at the end of the Tokugawa shogunate, was rebuilt in exactly the same fashion, and had not been renovated since. If it hadn"t been for the light leaking out of the windows, one could be forgiven for mistaking it for an abandoned ruin. When I first visited this place during the co-op a.s.sociation tour after orientation I thought I had wandered into Kowloon Walled City. Just looking at its crumbling wooden frame was enough to induce anxiety, and it was probably sufficiently dilapidated that it could be placed on the list of j.a.pan"s Important Cultural Properties. Yet if it were to burn down I doubt that anyone would even bat an eye. Even the landlord who lives to the east would most certainly be relieved.

It was the wee hours of the morning by the time I ascended the stairs with Ozu. I lived in room 110 on the first floor, but Master Higuchi lived above me in the deepest recesses of the second floor, room 210. Through the window above his door, we could see that the lights were still on; it appeared that he was awaiting our triumphant return. To be honest, I felt bad for betraying his expectations and tossing the proxy war aside. I would need to bring him something to placate him.

I opened the door to find Master Higuchi and Akashi sitting on the floor facing one another. At first it appeared as if the Master was lecturing his disciple, but in fact it was Akashi who was giving the Master a stern dressing-down. When she saw us enter empty-handed, she gave a sigh of relief.

"You aborted the plan, then?"

I silently nodded, while Ozu just sulked.

"Welcome back, gentlemen," Master Higuchi said, squirming uncomfortably in his seat.

I pushed Ozu aside and gave a full account of what had happened. Master Higuchi dipped his head slightly and lit a cigar, and pa.s.sed a second to Akashi; together they let out a long puff. In our absence, It looked as if they had had a long debate, ending up with an overwhelming victory for Akashi.

"Well, I suppose things turned out for the best tonight," the Master conceded.

Ozu opened his mouth as if he was about to protest, but the Master thundered, "SILENCE.

"All things have their limits. Certainly, the incident with my yukata being dyed pink was highly regrettable. However, it is also true that tearing apart the long, happy union of Jōgasaki and Kaori in such a cowardly fashion would also be an exceedingly cruel thing to do. Even if she is a doll."

Ozu interjected "But, Master, that"s not what you were saying before—"

"Be quiet, Ozu!" Akashi snapped.

"At any rate," the Master continued, "this was a breach of the rules that Jōgasaki and I set down. Not only that, but it was a grievous aberration for us imponderous beings who seek to traverse the firmament. I got too rash thinking about the tragic loss of my yukata."

He let out a sorrowful puff of smoke.

"Are you satisfied?" he put to Akashi.

"I am," she replied.

Thus, Operation: Kidnap Kaori was no more. Ozu, under our three combined icy gazes, made hasty preparations to leave. "I, uh, have a banquet tomorrow night at the Kamogawa Delta with my circle. So many things, so little time…" he said huffily, with all the conviction of a fish burger.

"I"m sorry, Ozu. I can"t make it tomorrow," Akashi said. She was also a member of the same circle as him.

"Why not?"

"I need to do research and get to work on my report."

"What"s more important, your studies or the circle?" Ozu drew himself up. "You need to come to the banquet."

"I refuse," Akashi curtly responded.

Ozu deflated as quickly as he had puffed himself up. Master Higuchi smiled.

"You are quite intriguing," he said, praising Akashi.

The evening after the Kaori kidnapping attempt, I walked along Great Sanjō Bridge, my mind galloping over my memories of the last two years. The muggy summer heat had finally let up, and a cool breeze was blowing by. There was a near-infinite number of things that I regretted doing, but the one I regretted most was meeting Master Higuchi in front of the clock tower. If I hadn"t met him there, somehow, things would have been different. I"d thought about going into the Misogi movie circle, or the Honwaka softball circle, or even the Lucky Cat Chinese Restaurant secret society. No matter which I had picked, I certainly would have become a much more worthwhile, wholesome person.

As night fell over the town, lights flickered on one by one, spurring me further along this train of thought, but I dismissed it from my mind and stepped into an old-fashioned shop near the west end of Great Sanjō Bridge. I was here looking for a kamenoko scrubbing brush on the Master"s behalf.

According to the tale that Master Higuchi spun me, the kamenoko brush had been produced for over a hundred years by the Nishio Shoten Co. using coconut and Chinese windmill palm fibers. In the turbulence at the end of the Pacific War, the secret technique was stolen by a medical student, who used the fibers of a certain type of palm which grows only in Taiwan to produce and sell his own kamenoko brush. The brush apparently uses the Van der Waals force to bind dirt to the innumerable firm, incredibly fine bristle tips at the molecular level, effortlessly lifting off any sort of dirt or grime: the ultimate cleaning weapon. Due to pressure from other firms which feared that such awesome power would adversely affect soap and detergent sales, the brush was never sold on the ma.s.s-market, but it"s said that even now the mysterious brush is still being produced in secret.

Master Higuchi"s chambers were so squalid as to be nearly unlivable. If a cloistered young lady were to gaze into the filth of the sink I guarantee that she would faint on the spot. Never before seen lifeforms continued to secretly evolve in the corners of the sink, and when I pointed this out, I was told by the Master that the kamenoko brush was required to clean the sink, and that I needed to get it or face excommunication.

I wanted to tell him to excommunicate me on the spot.

Hence my visit to this shop tonight, which carried a wide variety of scrubbing brushes. As I haltingly explained that I was looking for this magical brush, the shopkeeper"s mouth slowly curled into a smirk. Of course, even I couldn"t take this seriously.

"Well now, I don"t think I"ve got anything like that in back," the shopkeeper chuckled.

I fled into the crowds outside on Sanjō Street to escape his mocking stare.

There was also my failure to kidnap Kaori. At this rate I just wanted to excommunicate myself.

I wandered towards Kawaramachi Street, pa.s.sing in front of the famous pac.h.i.n.ko parlor where a group of ronin plotting to burn down Kyoto were attacked by the Shinsengumi in olden times. It was rather mystifying as to why they would choose to hatch their plan at a pac.h.i.n.ko parlor.

I couldn"t return to Shimogamo Yūsuisō just yet. Even if I couldn"t find the mystical scrubbing brush, I needed to find something else that would appease the Master. Perhaps a fine Cuban cigar would do the trick, or fresh fish from Nishiki Market.

Worried out of my mind, I tottered south down Kawaramachi Street. As the night progressed, the crowds grew larger, further aggravating my distemper. I dropped into a shop called Gabi Used Books Books to browse for a bit, but as soon as I stepped foot inside the proprietor, whose face resembled a boiled octopus, glowered at me and shouted, "We"re closed! Out, out, out!" driving me off as if I was a venomous insect. I was something of a regular here, and while treating all customers equally is an admirable policy, it was frustrating all the same.

Not knowing where else to go, I walked through the chasm of buildings, and into Kiyamachi.

Ozu had said that he had a banquet with his circle tonight. That b.a.s.t.a.r.d was probably surrounded by adoring freshmen and having the time of his life at this very minute, whereas I had failed to find Master Higuchi"s so-called mystical brush, been chased out of the refuge of the bookstore, and was doomed to wander the crowds alone. Surely this was an injustice of the highest degree.

As I brooded near one of the footbridges on the Takase Ca.n.a.l, I spotted Hanuki"s face in the crowds of Kiyamachi. I immediately ducked my head and pretended to be just another fl.u.s.tered pedestrian trying to light a cigarette, hoping that she wouldn"t notice me.

Hanuki was a mysterious dental hygienist who also frequented Master Higuchi"s place, and odds were she was sauntering around Kiyamachi looking to get plastered. The one time I had the misfortune of running into her downtown, I spent the night being dragged from Kiyamachi to Pontochō like a helpless captive being dragged behind an outlaw"s horse in one of those old Westerns, and when I came to I was collapsed on the ground alone near Ebisugawa Power Plant.Thankfully it had been summer, or I would have frozen to death under the bare trees. Tonight I would rather not be dragged around on an endless night of h.e.l.l and be poisoned half to death with coffee-infused shochu. I ducked my head out of sight, and Hanuki pa.s.sed on by.

I breathed a sigh of relief, but then again it wasn"t like I had anything else to do.

It was at that moment, just as I resolved to expel myself from Master Higuchi"s discipleship, that I met the old lady.

In between the bars and brothels, a dark, squeezed sort of house stood in the shadows. Under the overhang, an old woman sat at a wooden stall covered by a white cloth; she looked like a fortune teller. The sign hanging off the front of the stall was inscribed with all manner of arcane, incomprehensible runes. Above it, the hag"s head floated in the gloom, lit only by the hazy orange light of a small lantern. It was a ghastly sight, like seeing a ravenous ghost hungering for the souls of pa.s.sersby. I began to imagine all manner of misfortune befalling me: the shadow of the old woman seemed to follow me everywhere I went; nothing I did went right; people I was expecting never showed up; possessions vanished, never to be seen again; I failed courses that should have been a cinch; a thesis that I was about to present spontaneously combusted; I fell into the ca.n.a.ls of Lake Biwa; I was caught by a snake-oil salesman on Shijō Street; and so forth. While these wild thoughts were going through my head, the old woman noticed me looking at her. She glared at me from the inky darkness with gleaming eyes, drawing me in with her otherworldly emanations. Her suspicious aura was strangely persuasive, and logically thinking I came to the conclusion that the divinations of someone who allowed her supernatural aura to flow so freely could not possibly be wrong.

In my twenty-odd years of life, there had been but a handful of times where I humbly took someone"s advice. What if that was the reason I was stuck on this th.o.r.n.y path, unable to move forward? Though I took few risks in life, wasn"t there a possibility that I could choose the thorn-lined path. If only I had chosen to stop relying on my own judgment earlier, my campus life certainly would have taken a different shape. I would not have become the disciple of the enigmatic Master Higuchi, nor met the twisted Ozu, nor let the past two years of my life go to complete waste. Rather, I would have been blessed with wonderful mentors and friends, become accomplished in all the arts and sciences, of course have a beautiful raven-haired maiden at my side, face a glittering golden future ahead of me, and perhaps even have that all-important rosy student life in the palm of my hand. That was the kind of life suited for someone like myself.

That"s right. It wasn"t too late. The sooner I took a third-party"s objective advice, the sooner I could escape this dreary life into the life that I was meant to live.

I moved my legs toward the old woman as if I was being sucked in by her supernatural aura.

"Boy, what is it that you wish to hear?"

The old woman mumbled her words like her mouth was full of cotton, giving the impression that they were all the more valuable.

"I"m not sure where to start…"

Seeing me at a loss for words, she grinned.

"I can see from your face that you are very frustrated, unsatisfied. You are not able to use your full talents; your current situation is not suited for you."

"Yes, that"s exactly it!"

"Show me your hands."

The old hag took my palms and peered into them, nodding approvingly.

"You have much earnest talent in you."

I quickly tipped my hat to her keen insight. A true master hides his skills, and I had hidden my talents for so long that even I didn"t realize I had them any more. For this old woman to sense those talents within five minutes of meeting me must mean that she was no ordinary person.

"It is essential that you not let opportunities slip away. An opportunity is nothing more than a favorable circ.u.mstance, you understand? But it"s difficult to take hold of opportunities. Sometimes they hide in places you don"t expect, and sometimes it is only later that you realize something that seemed like an opportunity was really nothing at all. But in order to seize an opportunity you must act. You look like you will have a long life, so sooner or later you will be have the chance."

As befitting her aura, her words were truly profound.

"I don"t want to wait forever; I want grab my opportunity now. Can you be a little more specific?"

At my probing, the wrinkles on the old woman"s face contorted even further. I thought her right cheek must be itchy or something, but it turned out that she was just smiling.

"It"s hard to be specific about the future. Even if I were to tell you about a precise opportunity, it might very well be twisted and warped by the machinations of fate until it was no longer a opportunity when you chanced upon it, and that would just be a disservice to you, wouldn"t it? Fate is something that changes from moment to moment, you see."

"But, everything you"ve told me is too vague to act on."

As I stood there in confusion, she exhaled slowly through her nose.

"Very well. I will refrain from speaking of things far ahead, but I can speak of things that will soon come to pa.s.s.

I widened my ears like Dumbo.

"Colosseum," she suddenly whispered.

"Colosseum? What"s that?"

"It is the sign of an opportunity. When an opportunity arrives, it will be accompanied by Colosseum," she intoned.

"So are you telling me I need to go to Rome?"

But the old woman merely grinned.

"When your opportunity comes, you mustn"t let it slip away, you mustn"t fumble around aimlessly as you have been doing. Seize it, boldly, daringly! If you do, you will no longer be unsatisfied, and be able to embark on a new path, though that path may hold hardships of its own. Then again, I expect that you understand this quite well."

I didn"t understand in the slightest, but I nodded anyway.

"Even if you don"t catch this one, you don"t need to worry. You are a splendid young man, so someday without a doubt you will make it. I can see it. There"s no need to rush."

With that, the old woman brought her divinations to an end.

"Thank you very much."

I nodded my thanks and paid the fee. I turned around only to find Akashi standing behind me.

"A little lost lamb, are we?" she said.

Akashi started visiting Master Higuchi"s room last fall. After Ozu and me, she was his third disciple. She had also joined one of Ozu"s circles, eventually becoming his right-hand woman. Thus their two fates became intertwined, and so almost inevitably she became one of Master Higuchi"s disciples.

Akashi was a student in the engineering department a year younger than me. Not one to mince words, she was respected but largely avoided by most people. Whenever she encountered something she deemed illogical she was always prepared to debate the point with her brow wrinkled underneath her short black hair. There was something a little distant in her eyes, and she rarely showed signs of weakness. It was befuddling why she would choose to become friends with Ozu, and why she would become a va.s.sal of Master Higuchi"s 4½-tatami domain.

During the summer of her freshman year, another freshman had carelessly asked her, "Akashi, what do you do on the weekends?"

She replied without even looking up, "Why should I tell you?"

After that, no one asked her about her weekend plans.

I heard about that exchange some time later from Ozu, and proudly thought to myself, "Akashi, you just keep doing your own thing."

But even she, as unyielding and unapproachable as a medieval European fortress, had a single weakness.

Last autumn, just after she had become Master Higuchi"s disciple, I ran into her in the lobby of Shimogamo Yūsuisō, and we ascended the stairs together to go visit the Master. Akashi was walking in front of me, her back ramrod straight as though she were an wartime inspector, when she suddenly shrieked as though she were a character from a manga and came falling headlong down the stairs in front of me. I swiftly ran up and caught her, or rather, was squashed by her falling form while trying to escape. She clung to me, her hair disheveled, but I couldn"t hold her up for very long, and we both tumbled down the stairs to the corridor.

A frail moth fluttered above our heads. While we were climbing the stairs, it seemed that that moth had decided to alight upon Akashi"s face. She apparently was deathly afraid of moths.

"It squished, it squished…" she whispered over and over, her entire body trembling, her face as pale as if she had just seen a ghost. Normally she walled herself off from the world, and the fascination I felt seeing such a person show a moment of weakness is indescribable. At that moment, I, who as her senior disciple and mentor should know better, very nearly fell in love.

Akashi continued to mutter incoherently while I chivalrously comforted her.

As we walked along, I explained the story behind the kamenoko brush to Akashi, while she frowned sympathetically.

"Master Higuchi"s really asking for the impossible this time."

"I bet he"s still livid with my failure to kidnap Kaori last night," I surmised, but she shook her head.

"I don"t think that"s it, this kidnapping thing isn"t like him at all. He seemed repentant after I told him as much last night."

"I wonder about that..."

"It was you who decided not to go through with the plan, wasn"t it? I would have been pretty disgusted with you If you hadn"t turned back."

"But didn"t you help out Ozu with distracting Jōgasaki?"

"No, I didn"t do anything. In the end the Master had to call him."

"I see."

"Besides, doing things that make us feel bad is against the Master"s teachings, isn"t it?"

"Somehow, it sounds more convincing when you say it."

She smiled wryly and gave a little satisfied toss of her short black hair.

"I failed to kidnap Kaori, and now I can"t find the brush. It looks like my days as a disciple are over," I sighed.

"No, you"re not done yet," she said firmly, starting to walk even faster. Her confident stride reminded me of Sherlock Holmes, whereas I scurried after her like a timid, desperate client calling on the office on Baker Street.

"I"ve been wondering about it for a little while, but what exactly happened between Master Higuchi and Jōgasaki?" she inquired as we picked our way through an alley towards Kawaramachi.

"Jōgasaki was in your circle, wasn"t he? You never heard anything from him?"

"Not a whisper."

"Well, the only thing I know is that it"s called the m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War."

"There must have been some really extraordinary event to begin with."

She suddenly stopped in front of the shop I had visited just a while ago, Gabi Used Books.

The sour-faced shop owner was shutting up the store, but when he saw Akashi a broad smile appeared on his face. It was as if he was the old bamboo cutter seeing Princess Kaguya for the first time. Apparently Akashi worked part-time at the bookstore, and also dropped in whenever she was in the area to chat. Even so, make this crusty fellow melt like a marshmallow was no mean feat. The difference between this man and the man who had chased me out earlier was like night and day.

While I looked at the complete collections of Ueda Akinari displayed in the shop window, Akashi talked to the shop owner, who nodded and listened attentively. At last, he shook his head apologetically and pointed towards the west.

"It"s not here. Let"s keep looking," Akashi said to me, and our search for the kamenoko brush wound its way west.

We crossed Kawaramachi Street and walked along Takoyakushi Street, entering the crowded Shinkyōgoku shopping arcade. From there, I followed as she headed into an alley stretching towards Teramachi and straight into a second hand goods shop with old suitcases and electric lamps lined up along the front. I played around with a tin submarine in the corner, while Akashi inquired about the brush and was directed to a general store in Nishiki Market.

I trundled along obediently behind her as she went to the west end of the market and talked to a married couple tending a dim, cluttered store; this time, she received information about a man on Bukkō-ji Street who might know about the brush.

As the day faded we crossed Shijō Street, pa.s.sed south by Bukkō-ji Temple, and walked back towards the east. In contrast to the crowds around Shijō, there were few people out and about here, and the streets were quiet.

Akashi stuck her head into a shop with its shutters half-closed and called out, "Excuse me!" She mentioned the shop in Nishiki and was received favorably, calling me in as well.

a.s.sorted odds and ends were placed all over the dirt floor. The thin, crane-like shop owner flicked a switch, bathing the store in an orange glow.

"Where did you hear about that?" he inquired. I told him about Master Higuchi and my desperate task.

The shop owner"s thin, chiseled face looked even more dignified in the orange light, and my awe of him was such that I could barely speak. After a moment he turned and went into the dark recesses of the shop, returning shortly with a paulownia box. He opened the lid with little fanfare, revealing an ordinary-looking kamenoko brush.

"This is it," he stated, handing the box to me.

"How much will it be?" I asked.

The shopkeeper squinted at me. "Let"s see…I"ll make it twenty thousand yen."

No matter how magical these palm tree fibers were, there was no way I was paying twenty thousand yen for this brush. If it was going to be that much, I would much rather choose to be gloriously expelled.

I excused myself by saying that I didn"t have that much money on hand, and left the shop, thinking about the fate that awaited me.

"So what are you going to do? Are you going to buy it?" Akashi asked as we walked down Shijō Street.

"Like h.e.l.l I will. Twenty thousand for a brush? Something like that is meant to be used in fancy restaurants like the Shimogamo Saryo restaurant, not to scrub the sink in a filthy 4½-tatami room."

"But didn"t the Master command you to retrieve it?"

"Might as well be expelled."

"Knowing him, he won"t let you go that easily."

"No, he has you. Ozu"s there too. It"s probably about time he let me go anyhow."

"Stop being so pessimistic, please. I"ll talk to him for you."

"I"m counting on you."

Since I had become a disciple, I had endured a great many of Master Higuchi"s unreasonable demands. Now that I think about it, I have no idea why I wasted so much time doing his bidding, considering that most of the trials I underwent were utterly meaningless.

There are many universities in Kyoto, and of course many students as well. As students of Kyoto, we were honor-bound to serve the city, or so the Master insisted. Rain or shine, Ozu and I spent hours sitting on a cold stone bench along the Philosophers" Walk, absorbed in Nishida Kitaro"s philosophical treatise "An Inquiry into the Good", discussing incomprehensible statements such as "From this perspective on mental phenomena, perception is a kind of impulsive will...". Our time was thus spent on the utterly unproductive goal of becoming a tourist attraction, and on top that my stomach hurt from constantly sitting in the cold. I tried with all my body and soul to continue, but by volume one, chapter three, ent.i.tled "Will", I had completely burnt out.

At first, our faces were stoic, but we began to find it harder and harder to keep it together. We encountered a pa.s.sage that read "Originally, organisms perform various movements in order to preserve life." Here, Ozu repeated "…various movements in order to preserve life". The indecent smile rising to his face was a clear indication of how inordinately excited he was becoming. Without a doubt he was absorbed by some shameful fantasy brought about by his Y chromosome. After having been forced to read incomprehensible works of philosophy all day long in this quiet neighborhood, his dark urges had ripened like a bulging bunch of grapes, and "An Inquiry into the Good" had been transformed in his mind to "A Technical Compendium of s.e.x Jokes". Of course, any thoughts of continuing our philosophical pursuits were dashed. If we were to proceed to the fourth chapter on religion, we would surely begin to blaspheme everything around us, becoming unfit to walk among society at large. It was probably a good thing that our determination, fort.i.tude, and mental strength gave out before we sullied the good name of Nishida Kitaro any further.

The Master was a Ferrari fan, so whenever a Ferrari won an F1 race, I was forced to shoulder the unpleasant task running back and forth diagonally across the Hyak.u.manben intersection while bearing a huge red flag with the prancing horse insignia, simultaneously trying to avoid becoming a smear on the b.u.mpers of pa.s.sing cars. I had originally planned to make Ozu do it, but since he was the one who had scrounged the flag up and presented it to the Master in the first place, I never had a chance. Furthermore, Ozu often agitated the Master before running off, leaving me to bear the brunt of the Master"s capriciousness. In the end, I was the one who spread the light of Ferrari over the world. Pa.s.sing cars hurled insults at me, while pedestrians simply stared at me with scornful eyes, driving me further into thoughts of violence.

The Master always hungered for new things. His appet.i.te matched the greatness of his stature, but in the end it was always Ozu and I who had to supply him with these things.

It wasn"t just food, alcohol, and tobacco we provided him. Our sundry offerings included coffee mills folding fans, and a Carl Zeiss monocular we won at a drawing in the shopping district. Even the copy of Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea that he had been absorbed in reading for the past year was originally mine: I had bought it at the Shimogamo Shrine used book fair, intending to warm myself up with the cla.s.sic tale of adventure during the long, chilly autumn nights, but at it had somehow fallen into the Master"s hands. Getting him snacks like Demachi Futaba"s mame mochi, Shogoin"s yatsuhashi, sea urchin crackers and Nishimura Eisei Boro crackers was all well and good, but when he decided he wanted a banner from the used book fair and a giant Keroyon frog statue, I was left scratching my head. Later when he asked for a life-sized Kamen Rider figure, a tatami-sized fish cake, a seahorse, and a giant squid, I was brought to my knees. Where was I supposed to find a giant squid?

We had once been told to go to Nagoya to get "miso katsu, hold the katsu" but I had to to tip my hat to Ozu, who actually went all the way there and back on the same day. By the way, I had once gone all the way to Nara just to get the crackers used to feed the local deer.

When Master Higuchi said that he wanted a seahorse, Ozu dug up a fish tank from G.o.d knows where and filled it with water, but as he was putting in the gravel and water plants, an ominous cracking sound came from the tank, and suddenly all the water came pouring out like a miniature Niagara Falls. The Master laughed watching Ozu and I scrambling around the flooded 4½-tatami room. After a while, he remarked, "Won"t the water be leaking through to the floor below?"

"Probably, considering how rundown this building is." Ozu facepalmed. "The person below us is gonna be pretty p.i.s.sed. What should we do?"

"Hold on, that"s my room!" I yelped.

Ozu looked relieved. "Oh, no need to worry then. Leak on, I say!"

The water ended up leaking all the way through the floor, completely soaking my room. The dripping water melted all my books together into a sodden mess, so that it was impossible to tell erotica from educational materials. Not only that, but the electrons residing in my computer were all swept out to sea, and along with them, my precious data and media files as well. Obviously, this incident was the death knell for what scholarly aspirations I still possessed.

Without another word about the seahorse, Master Higuchi said "I want a giant squid," and tossed the fish tank that Ozu had obtained out into the corridor to gather dust. To distract himself from further thoughts about sea creatures, Master Higuchi confiscated my copy of Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea and had refused to give it back for almost a year now.

Once again, I was the one getting the short end of the stick.

Among the many follies of Master Higuchi, the fierce "m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War" with Jōgasaki stands out as one of the most severe.

Under the Master"s orders, we drew over Jōgasaki"s nameplate, blocked his front door with an old refrigerator, and sent him a number of chain letters. In retaliation, Jōgasaki glued the Master"s geta to the floor, sent balloons filled with black pepper into the room, and had twenty servings of sushi delivered to us under Master Higuchi"s name. Master Higuchi wasn"t perturbed in the slightest when he received the sushi, and proceeded to invite a number of foreign exchange students over for a sushi party. Of course, he was quite calm and collected about the whole thing, but he made Ozu and me foot the bill.

At the end of these two years of training, if one were to ask me whether I had improved myself as a young man I would regrettably have to respond that I had not. As for why I spent all my time doing these things, I suppose it was solely to please Master Higuchi. Whenever we made fools of ourselves doing some meaningless activity, he looked absolutely delighted. If we brought him something that pleased him, he would tell us, "You have come to understand as well," and huge grin would spread across his face.

The Master never abased himself, always conducting himself with an air of utmost dignity. Yet when he laughed, he looked as open and innocent as a child. With just a smile, the Master could have Ozu and me at his beck and call; Hanuki called that special power "Higuchi Magic".

The day after the search for the kamenoko brush, I was jolted awake by a loud rapping at my door. It was only seven in the morning, an hour that most college students would consider the middle of the night. I opened the door to find Master Higuchi standing outside in the hallway, his hair frizzy and disheveled but his eyes gleaming.

"Do you even know what time it is?"

For a moment, the Master was silent, standing out in the cold hallway clutching a rectangular object to his chest. Suddenly great teardrops began welled up in his eyes, his lip quivered, and eggplant-shaped face crumpled as he wept and scrubbed his eyes with the backs of his hands like a bullied child. He finally managed to choke out, "I"ve finished, I"ve finished it!"

"Finished what?" I nervously prodded.

"This."

He reverently held out the rectangular object in his hands. It was Jules Verne"s Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea.

"This morning, the journey I have been on for the past year has ended. I was so moved, I wanted to let you know. And of course, to return the book as well."

For a moment it looked like he was going to collapse, but the way that he stood there with tears streaming down his face, I couldn"t help but commiserate with him over the end of his twenty-thousand league journey.

He handed the book to me.

"Apologies for taking so long, truly. But it really was a wonderful journey," he sighed. "By the way, I"ve been so captivated by the book that I haven"t had time to eat. Won"t you join me for a bowl of gyūdon?"

Together we went out into the chilly morning air and headed towards a gyudon place near Hyak.u.manben.

After finishing breakfast, Master Higuchi strolled off towards the Kamo River while I paid the bill for both of us. I found him standing by the river, stroking his unshaven chin and staring contentedly at the hazy May sky stretching out above us.

"Nice weather, isn"t it," he remarked.

We walked over to the Kamo Delta. Master Higuchi pa.s.sed through the pine trees and descended the embankment. Exiting from under the trees, the sky looked so wide and vast, it felt like we would be swallowed up. Cars and pedestrians rushed to and fro on the Great Kamo Bridge in the dazzling morning sunlight.

Master Higuchi stood at the point of the delta as if it were the prow of a ship and lit a cigar. From the left, the waters of the Kamo River flowed by, and from the right, the waters of the Takano River. They joined in front of Master Higuchi and roared their way south with breathtaking fury. The rivers, swollen from the recent heavy rains, submerged the green shrubbery that grew along the banks.

Taking a puff, the Master said, "I want to go somewhere far away."

"That"s unexpected."

As far as I knew, he had never been away from his 4½-tatami room for more than half a day.

"I"ve been considering it for quite some time, but it was reading Twenty Thousand Leagues that made up my mind. Soon it will be time for me to ride the waves of the world."

"Have you been saving up?"

"Of course not," he laughed, coughing out smoke. He suddenly seemed to remember something.

"That reminds me; the other day while I was on campus, I met a fellow I used to drink with during my first two years of college. I said h.e.l.lo, but he seem happy to see me at all. When he asked me what I was doing, I told him that I was re-taking my German cla.s.s, but he hurriedly took his leave after that."

"If he was your cla.s.smate as an undergrad, then he"s probably working on his doctorate by now. So by now, it would probably be awkward to meet someone who"s technically his undercla.s.sman now."

"Why on earth would he feel awkward? It"s not him that had to retake a year…I don"t understand."

"And that"s why you"re the Master."

He put on a knowing expression.

Back when I was a freshman, the Master had warned me, "Under no circ.u.mstances must you repeat a year, play video games, or play mahjong. Otherwise your student life will go to waste." I had followed that teaching faithfully and never once dipped my hand into any of those things, but somehow my student life had still gone to waste. I tried to ask the Master about that once, but couldn"t.

We sat down on a bench on the embankment. Since it was Sunday morning, there were plenty of people jogging or taking a stroll by the river.

"While I was looking for the kamenoko brush in Sanjō, I went to see a fortune teller," I mumbled.

"You"ve hardly started life, yet you"ve already gone astray?" he smiled. "Why, you"ve hardly even left your mother"s womb yet."

"I don"t want to waste my last two years here looking for brushes, or fighting the m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War, or looking for brushes, or listening to Ozu"s filth, or looking for brushes..."

"You needn"t be worried about the brush, I won"t expel you," he rea.s.sured me. "You"ve done splendidly these past two years. Never mind the next two years, I"m sure that you"ll be able to make a grand mess out of your next three or even four years. In fact, I guarantee it."

"I"d rather you not," I sighed. "If I hadn"t met you and Ozu, I would surely have led a much more meaningful life. I would have studied hard, gone out with raven-haired maidens, and enjoyed an untainted student life. There"s no doubt in my mind about it."

"I don"t think you"re quite awake yet."

"I"ve come to realize how much I have wasted my life. I should have thought more about what I could have achieved. I choose poorly during freshman year. I have to grab hold of the opportunity when it comes around again, and escape into a new life."

"What opportunity?"

"Colosseum, or something like it. That"s what the fortune teller told me."

"Colosseum?"

"I don"t really know what it means either."

The Master scratched the stubble on his chin, scrutinizing me carefully. The piercing expression on his face made him seem almost regal. It certainly didn"t suit the crumbling 4½-tatami room he inhabited in Shimogamo Yūsuisō. It was more like the face of a prince who had been shipwrecked on the Seto Inland Sea and borne by the currents to a solitary 4½-tatami island. And yet, he refused to throw away his threadbare yukata, and made his throne the discolored tatami mats of his room.

"You can"t use a word like "opportunity" as if it is limitless. What regulates our existence isn"t what we can do, but rather what we can"t do," he proclaimed. "Do you have the power to become a bunny girl? Or a pilot? Can you become a carpenter, or a pirate sailing the seven seas? How about a master thief, stealing away the treasures of the Louvre? What about the developer of a supercomputer?"

"No."

He nodded thoughtfully, and in a rare gesture offered me a cigar. I gratefully took it and fumbled around trying to light it.

"Most of the suffering in life results from dreaming of the life we wish we had. Trying to rely on something as unreliable as your inner potential is the root of many kinds of evil. You must recognize that you are you, and you cannot turn into anyone else but yourself. What you call the "rosy student life" is unachievable, I guarantee it. Resign yourself to your fate."

"You don"t have to say it that way..."

"You must face the world unflinchingly. Try to learn from Ozu."

"Not in a million years!"

"Now, don"t be so petulant. Just look at what he is. He"s certainly an incorrigible fool, yet he is confident in everything he does. A genius who worries about everything will most certainly be less satisfied with life than a fool who is self-a.s.sured."

"I"m not so sure about that."

"Hmm…well, there are exceptions to everything, I suppose."

We sat in silence for a time, watching the sun shining between the pine trees. Considering that I boasted an average of ten hours of sleep a night, I was desperately short on my sleep quota, and being bathed in the warm sunlight started to make me feel sleepy. The Master hadn"t gotten any sleep either, and was looking tired himself. We sat there on the Kamo Delta, two strange little men in a trance, ruining the beautiful Sunday morning for everyone else.

"Shall we return?"

"Yes, let"s."

On the way back to Shimogamo Yūsuisō, we pa.s.sed by the road to Shimogamo Shrine.

"You must settle down. Otherwise, you"ll never receive your inheritance," the Master suddenly said, as if he was talking to himself.

"What inheritance? I asked, confused, but he just smiled and continued to suck on his cigar.

No one knows what the future holds. In the midst of this bottomless darkness, one must unerringly seize the things that are of advantage to him. To impart the value of this philosophy upon us, Master Higuchi proposed we hold a blind hotpot in the dark. The ability to accurately pick out our desired food, even in the dark, is an essential skill to survive in today"s cutthroat society, or so he said, but I had my doubts.

That night, Ozu, Hanuki, and I showed up at Master Higuchi"s 4½-tatami room for the hotpot. Due to an approaching report deadline, Akashi was unable to come. I also insisted that I had a report due concerning an exceedingly complex experiment, but my cries fell on deaf ears. Clearly, I was the victim of this s.e.xist society.

"Don"t worry, I"ll make the proper arrangements with the print shop," Ozu said, but relying on Ozu to get me forged reports from the print shop was what was driving my scholarly pursuits into a downward spiral.

Each of us brought our own ingredients, but we were forbidden from discussing what they were until we put them into the pot. Ozu, who was still fuming about the failed Kaori kidnapping, announced with a repulsive grin, "You can put whatever you want into a blind hotpot, you know.". Knowing Ozu, I began to fear for my life.

Ozu detested vegetables, but above all refused to recognize mushrooms as an edible food, so naturally I brought a lovely a.s.sortment of mushrooms. Hanuki also had a mischievous smirk on her face.

It was so dark in the Master"s room that we could hardly make out each other"s faces. The first wave of ingredients was emptied into the pot.

"Eat up, eat up!" Master Higuchi encouraged us.

"It"s not even cooked yet, though," I objected.

"Don"t worry about that; just eat whatever your chopsticks touch," he ordered by way of reply.

Meanwhile, Hanuki had cracked open a beer. "It doesn"t taste like beer at all in the dark," she grumbled. "I can"t get drunk when I can"t see anything!"

I first met Hanuki in the summer of my freshman year, through Master Higuchi. Since then, I often encountered her in the Master"s room.

She was beautiful, yet her expression was reminiscent of that of the wife of a military commander from the Sengoku era. No, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that she was more like a commander herself. There was much ambition in her face. If times hadn"t changed, it seemed to me that she could have become a feudal lord, able to cut me and Ozu in two on a whim. Her favorite foods were alcohol and castellas.

Hanuki worked as a dental hygienist at Kubozuka Dental Clinic near Mikage Bridge. She had invited me to go there once or twice, but I couldn"t stomach the idea of lying there defenseless with various rods and pipes being stuck in my open mouth; furthermore, I couldn"t shake the mental image of Hanuki wielding a b.l.o.o.d.y naginata to sc.r.a.pe plaque off my teeth.

Ozu and I had debated the nature of the relationship between Hanuki and Master Higuchi many times before. There were signs that Hanuki was Master Higuchi"s girlfriend, but we couldn"t tell for sure. Neither was she his disciple, and of course there was no way she was his wife. It was quite a mystery.

Hanuki was the same age as Master Higuchi, and also seemed to be an old acquaintance of Jōgasaki"s. Jōgasaki often went to her clinic for checkups as well, so they had crossed paths many times over the years.

It wasn"t really clear what had gone down between the three, but what was certain was that that Hanuki knew what had happened to cause the m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War between Jōgasaki and Master Higuchi. Ozu and I had once schemed to get her drunk so we could ask the particulars, but she had turned the tables on us. After that we never tried to ask her anything again.

Eating things that you can"t see is feels weirder than one might expect. Adding to my unease was Ozu, whose person is malice crystallized into its purest form.

We started eating after the hotpot was cooked through, but each successive bite of food (at least, what I hoped was food) was an uphill battle.

"Ew, what"s this mushy thing?" Hanuki shrieked as she flung whatever it was my way, causing me to cry out in surprise as it hit me square on the forehead. I threw it back towards where I thought Ozu was sitting, and was rewarded with a yelp for my troubles. Afterwards, we realized that it was actually just a limp noodle, though in the dark it seemed more like a long, thin worm.

"What"s this? An alien umbilical cord?" Ozu pondered.

"You put it in, didn"t you? You eat it."

"I refuse."

"Gentlemen, you mustn"t play with your food," Master Higuchi commanded like a father scolding his children, shaming us into silence.

After a little while, Ozu suddenly squealed, "What"s this!? It feels like a mushroom!"

Apparently he had stumbled upon one of my shiitake traps. I snickered and pulled up something that looked like a thumb-sized demon. My heart almost stopped, but upon further inspection I realized that it was just a firefly squid.

As we progressed to the third course, I noticed that for some reason the food had gotten suspiciously sweet, in addition to letting off a faint odor of beer.

"Ozu, you b.a.s.t.a.r.d. You put in red bean paste, didn"t you?" I shouted.

He giggled gleefully, adding "But the beer is from Hanuki, isn"t it?"

"Hehe, you could tell it was me? But it deepens the flavor, don"t you think?"

"It"s already so deep I can"t tell what"s what anymore," I complained.

"It"s almost like one of those underwater canyons," Hanuki laughed.

"I just want to let everyone know that it wasn"t me who put the marshmallows in," Ozu said quietly.

I chewed on a red bean-flavored shrimp, and then bit into a marshmallow-coated piece of cabbage. I peeked at Master Higuchi, who was sitting beside me; he seemed to be in his element, perfectly happy to munch on whatever came his way.

I started telling the story of how Akashi had derailed the Kaori kidnapping. Hanuki cackled.

"Akashi was right, kidnapping Kaori would be way too mean."

Ozu spoke up, sounding hurt.

"Think about all the perfect planning I put into that. Plus, Jōgasaki dyed the Master"s yukata pink. Wasn"t that pretty mean too?"

"But you have to admit, it was pretty funny. Jōgasaki is such a joker."

Ozu sank into astonished silence, becoming one with the darkness. At his best he already blended into the shadows, but now it was impossible to even pick out his silhouette.

"You"ve known each other for so long, too," Hanuki mused. "Kicking him out of the circle was definitely overkill. That was your doing, wasn"t it, Ozu?"

She looked pointedly in his direction, but he just sat invisibly in the shadows and didn"t respond.

"Jōgasaki couldn"t fool around in the circle forever," the Master declared. "He"s too old for such childish pastimes."

Hanuki snorted. "Sure, like you"d know."

At this point we were all stuffed from eating all manner of unknown things, so we turned from eating to discussing various matters. Hanuki continued to chug down beer after beer, while Ozu was still in a foul mood and refused to speak.

"Ozu, why aren"t you saying anything?" The Master sounded puzzled. "Are you still here?"

Seeing that Ozu maintained his stony silence, Hanuki said gaily, "If he"s not here, then let"s talk about his girlfriend!"

"Ozu has a girlfriend?" I quivered with rage.

"They"ve been going out for like two years. She"s in one of his circles, and she sounds like a really sweet, polite girl, but I"ve never actually seen her. Ozu called me for advice once because he thought she was going to dump him, and he cried to me over the phone the entire night…"

"That"s a lie, that"s a filthy lie!" From the darkness Ozu suddenly started screeching in protest.

"Ah, there you are," the Master said delightedly.

"Well? How are things with her now?" Hanuki asked.

"I invoke my right to remain silent," said the voice from the shadows.

"What was her name?" inquired the Master.

Hanuki thought for a moment. "I think it was, like, Hiko—"

But there Ozu started protesting again, yelling "I invoke my right to remain silent!" and "I want a lawyer!". Hanuki just laughed and left off the rest of her sentence.

"How could you flirt with her behind my back, you lecherous b.a.s.t.a.r.d?" I asked indignantly, but he just innocently replied, "I don"t know what you"re talking about."

While I glared in his direction, the Master continued to forage in the pot.

"Oh my," came his m.u.f.fled voice from beside me. "This is pretty big. And kind of springy, too." There was note of skepticism in his voice, but he tried to take a bite anyway.

"This isn"t food," he murmured. "Putting inedibles in the pot is against the rules, is it not?"

"Shall I turn on the lights?"

I stood up and flipped the light switch. Ozu"s jaw dropped, as did Hanuki"s. A cute plush teddy bear sat on the Master"s plate, drenched in broth.

"What an adorable teddy bear!" Hanuki exclaimed.

"Who put this in?" the Master inquired. "It"s obviously completely inedible."

However, neither Ozu or I or Hanuki had any knowledge of it. No one suspected Ozu because it was clear that he would never think to use something that pure and chaste for his evil schemes.

"I"ll take it," Hanuki declared, and she went to wash it carefully in the sink.

Hanuki is a delightful person, but a pain to deal with when she drank too much. Her face would get paler and paler, her eyes would glaze over, and she would slowly, deliberately start to lick your face. Admittedly, running away with Ozu from Hanuki as she tried to pin us to the wall was rather exciting. Of course, as a gentleman it wouldn"t be proper to get too excited over something as paltry as getting my face licked by a woman, though Master Higuchi seemed to find the whole thing rather amusing. Afterwards Hanuki invited me to sleep beside her, promising to give me an entire castella that she had received from her boss at the dental clinic, but I firmly refused.

Eventually Ozu"s dirty visage dozed off into dirtier dreams, and even Hanuki calmed down and began to nod off.

"I am going on a journey," the Master said in a sing-song voice. He hadn"t drunk very much himself, but by some mysterious mechanism, the more Hanuki drank, the more intoxicated he became.

"Where are you going?" Hanuki asked, raising her bleary face.

"For now, I intend to circ.u.mnavigate the world, though I don"t know how many years it will take. Will you go with me, Hanuki? I could use someone who can speak English."

"Don"t be ridiculous, that"s absurd."

"How"s your English, Master?" I inquired.

"I won"t be fooled into learning that language so easily."

"But what"re you gonna do about, you know..." said Hanuki.

"Not to worry, I have made preparations. Speaking of which, it"s already past twelve. I must go eat at Neko Ramen."

"Should we wake Ozu?"

The Master shook his head.

"Leave him be, the three of us will suffice."

He winked. "We"re going to meet Jōgasaki."

Master Higuchi strolled leisurely through the shadows of Mikage Street in front of Shimogamo Shrine. It was completely deserted at this hour, with only the rustling of Tadasu Forest and the occasional car pa.s.sing along Shimogamo Boulevard to break the silence. I quietly followed the Master, while Hanuki stumbled along behind us, though she seemed to have finally sobered up.

"Now, my good fellow," Master Higuchi said with his eggplant-shaped face crinkled into a grin, "I am going to make you my proxy."

"Proxy for what?" I asked, startled.

The master chuckled. "Ready yourself."

"Why aren"t you picking Ozu?"

"Ozu has his own part to play."

It is rumored that Neko Ramen makes its broth out of cats, but whether that is true or not the taste is unparalleled. I was still full from the hotpot, but at the thought of Neko Ramen I decided I could eat one more bowl.

The Neko Ramen cart stood alone in the darkness, a solitary light bulb illuminating the welcome sight of warm steam rising into the cold air.. The Master sniffed in antic.i.p.ation and pointed at the cart with his chin. There was already a customer sitting on a folding stool and talking to the shopkeeper.

As we approached, the shopkeeper glanced up and greeted us with a casual "Yo." The customer straightened up and looked around at us, his finely chiseled features illuminated by the orange light.

"You"re late, dude," called Jōgasaki.

"My apologies."

"Jōgasaki, it"s been so long! How"ve you been?" Hanuki nodded towards him.

"Hey, never better, know what I mean?" He flashed a gleaming white smile.

We sat down at the counter, but s.p.a.ce was somewhat limited, and I ended up being squeezed off to the side. What exactly was this gathering all about? I"d never seen Master Higuchi and Jōgasaki together in one place, so this had to be for something important.

Thus, the curtains rose on the Higuchi-Jōgasaki Reconciliation Negotiations.

"Well, I think it"s about time we ended this," said Master Higuchi.

"Sounds good, dude," agreed Jōgasaki.

Thus, the Higuchi-Jōgasaki Reconciliation Negotiations came to a conclusion.

"It lasted for a while this time, huh?" the shopkeeper commented. "Had to be what, at least five years?"

"I don"t remember, dude," Jōgasaki shrugged.

"Almost exactly five years, I think. Our predecessors had their negotiations around this time of year," Master Higuchi conjectured.

"Ah, gotcha. Five years exactly then," the shopkeeper nodded. "What happened to those guys?"

"My predecessor got a job at a courthouse in Nagasaki, since that was his hometown."

"And yours, Jōgasaki?"

"Who knows. He was pretty all over the place so I have no clue," Jōgasaki said. "I haven"t talked to him since he dropped out."

"I feel like he was a lot more like Higuchi, disconnected from reality, you know? I wonder why he ended up being your Master?" Hanuki said.

"Beats me. I guess it just happened that way," said Jōgasaki with a wry chuckle.

Meanwhile, the shopkeeper served up the ramen. While they continued to converse familiarly among themselves, I quietly slurped my ramen on the other side of the mosquito net, astounded that they were all so friendly with the shopkeeper.

"That guy?" Jōgasaki suddenly said, looking in my direction.

"Mm. He"s my proxy," the Master said, proudly clapping my shoulder. "Is yours not coming tonight?"

"That dumba.s.s, he said he couldn"t come because he had a promise to keep."

"I see…"

A smirk rose to Jōgasaki"s lips. "He"s one loose cannon, you know. I have no doubt he"ll be a sick proxy; your dude had better be ready."

"I look forward to seeing it."

"Hey, I"ll make sure to bring him to the duel, all right?"

Behind the clouds of steam the shopkeeper laughed. "So you"re actually going to duel?"

"Naturally. The Duel on the Great Kamo Bridge is tradition, after all," said the Master.

After the amicable conclusion of this puzzling conversation, Jōgasaki gallantly rode off on his bicycle. Master Higuchi yawned loudly and said, "I suppose it"s time for us to to kick Ozu awake from his beauty sleep."

"Master, I don"t understand what"s going on," I said. "What"s a proxy?"

I"ll explain it to you tomorrow, I"m too tired tonight."

And he set off back towards Shimogamo Yūsuisō.

I was tasked with taking Hanuki back to her apartment on Kawabata Street. She was still softly cuddling the teddy bear from the hotpot as she walked along the dark road, looking less like a military commander than a lonely, preoccupied girl.

As we walked along silent Mikage Street, I turned my mind over the events of the past few hours.

"Jōgasaki"s pretty cool, isn"t he?" I said.

Hanuki snickered.

"He"s not that different from Higuchi, you know."

"Really? He doesn"t really seem like the type to engage in a prank war with the Master…"

"He actually enjoys it a lot, he just doesn"t show it."

"That sounds kind of hard to believe."

"Actually, he"s never really had any friends besides Higuchi."

She fell silent and squashed the teddy bear to her body. Its mournful eyes stared blankly at me.

At last we approached the Takano River. Mikage Bridge is a snug, round sort of bridge from which you can see Daimonji mountain to the east. Whenever the Bon festival comes around, the bridge is packed with people who come to see the Daimonji bonfire. Incidentally, I have yet to see any of the Okuribi bonfires.

Hanuki still hadn"t said another word, and I couldn"t shake off the ominous feeling that this was the calm before the storm. It was like some foul creature had built a nest inside her and was finally about to come wriggling out. Her face was pale, as if she were thinking extremely hard, and her lips were pressed together, though trembling slightly. She looked like she was about to come to some sort of life-changing decision.

"Are you not feeling well, Hanuki?" I inquired timidly.

She smiled.

"Hehe, you noticed?"

She suddenly grabbed the guardrail on the bridge and nonchalantly, elegantly loosed a smooth stream of vomit. Her eyes followed the ramen she had just eaten with great interest as it floated down towards the river.

In that moment of weakness Hanuki let go of the teddy bear, and it rolled off the guardrail. She cried out and started to climb onto the guardrail; with what little strength I possessed in my frail body, it was all I could do to hold her back and keep us both from following both bear and ramen off the bridge. The little teddy bear sadly tumbled over and over like it was in a revolving store display as it fell, making one last appeal before it finally hit the surface of the river with a faint plop.

"Ahhh, it"s gone," she sighed sadly, letting her chin rest on the guardrail. "I wonder where he"s drifting off to," she said in a sing-songy sort of voice.

"From here it"ll go towards the Kamo Delta, and then into Kamo River, and then into the Yodo River, and then finally into Osaka Bay," I explained kindly.

She snorted and stood up. "Fine, go where you please!" she shouted melodramatically, inadvertently spraying spit everywhere.

I felt sorry for the teddy bear.

After escorting her to her apartment I returned to Shimogamo Yūsuisō. As I turned down the hall I saw what I thought was a filthy, loathsome beast sitting in front of my door, but it turned out to be Ozu.

"Go back to your own place!" I snapped, but he replied, "Don"t be so heartless" and barged into my room, collapsing onto the floor like a cadaver.

"You guys abandoned me...where"d you all run off to?"

"Neko Ramen."

"No fair! I was lonely, so lonely I thought I"d disappear."

"n.o.body"s stopping you."

He blubbered on for a while, but eventually grew tired of it and went to sleep. I tried to push him off to one of the dusty corners of the room, but he mumbled something and refused to budge.

For my part, I crawled into my futon and fell deep into thought. I"d become the Master"s successor, but what exactly was this m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War business about? What was the history between Master Higuchi and Jōgasaki? What did tomorrow"s duel on the Great Kamo Bridge involve? Did the shopkeeper from Neko Ramen have anything to do with it? Was I going to be forced to continue this battle of pranks with Jōgasaki"s successor? Was there any way out of this? What kind of person was Jōgasaki"s successor? What was I going to do if he was the type of person that beat the weak, groveled to the strong, was selfish and lazy and a complete demon, neglected his studies, lacked any shred of pride and gorged himself three times a day on other people"s unhappiness?

I got up and listened to Ozu"s breathing.

A terrible, bitter premonition spread bitterly through my chest; it was so apparent that there was no way I could possibly deny it. I was so dissatisfied with my present situation that I had gone to the trouble of consulting the fortune teller in Kiyamachi, so how had this happened? Wasn"t I was supposed to grab hold of an opportunity and escape into a better life? And yet, I was breaching the event horizon of a lightless black hole from which there was no hope for escape.

Ozu turned over as I lay there in torment, an irritatingly peaceful expression on his face.

The next day, I kicked a still half-asleep Ozu into the hallway, and left for campus.

Unable to stop thinking about the duel on the Great Kamo Bridge that would take place later that evening, I rushed through the lab experiment I was conducting, and hurried back to Shimogamo Yūsuisō. I went to call on Master Higuchi, but the blackboard that hung on his door said "BATHING". No doubt he was cleansing himself in preparation for the duel which lay ahead.

I returned to my own room and listened to the burbling sounds of the coffeemaker, while staring at the castella that Hanuki had given me the previous night. In retrospect, it was really quite cruel of her. Eating an entire castella by oneself is a truly dismal task, entirely unbefitting a proper human being. It would be far more pleasant to take it at teatime with agreeable company, and quite unexpectedly I found myself thinking about Akashi. Now that I had been selected as the unhappy successor of this bizarre m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War, and forcibly placed before the door of an even unhappier future, allowing myself to indulge in these fantasies was one of the few escapes I had left. I am not unaware of my shame.

Above my head, a large moth that had gotten in fluttered around the fluorescent light. I remembered that Akashi hated moths, prompting me to idiotically relive the sweet memory of the two of us tumbling down the stairs. I cut up the castella with a fruit knife and stuffed my cheeks with slice after slice, groaning to myself. Just as I was about to reach for my collection of erotica to tame my vulgar urges, a knock came at my door.

As soon as I opened the door, Akashi let out a shriek and leaped backwards. At first I thought my carnal urges had set my face aflame with pa.s.sion, but I realized that she was staring in terror at the moth flitting behind me. I carefully drove the moth out and courteously showed Akashi inside.

"Master Higuchi called me to inform you he"ll come at dusk. It doesn"t look like he"s in his room," she told me.

I briefed her on the reconciliation negotiations that had occurred last night between Master Higuchi and Jōgasaki.

"Things really got moving while I was busy with the report, huh? I suppose I"ve failed as a disciple," she sighed

"Don"t worry about it, it all happened so suddenly."

I poured a cup of coffee and handed it to her. She took a sip and said, "I brought something for you." From her bag she produced a vaguely familiar paulownia box, opening it to reveal the fabled kamenoko brush that we had searched for quietly nestled inside. "Now the Master won"t expel you, right?" I was moved to tears by dedication.

"I"m sorry, I"m so sorry…" I sniffed.

"It"s fine," she replied.

"Well...would you like some castella?" I offered. She accepted a slice and took a bite.

"I really do feel awful for having you help me out like this, especially when you were busy with the report..."

"Yes, I just barely completed it on time."

"What kind of report is it? You"re in engineering, aren"t you?"

"I"m in the structural engineering department. The report was on the history of architecture."

"History of architecture?"

"Yes. I wrote about Roman architecture, like the temples, and the Colosseum…"

Colosseum.

At that moment, a knock came at the door, and Master Higuchi"s voice floated through the air.

"My good fellow, it is time for the duel."

The Master"s face was still slick from his bath, albeit covered with the usual carpet of stubble. "I was just in the bathhouse with Ozu," he said.

"Where did he go?"

"He went to Jōgasaki"s place. It seems that he is actually Jōgasaki"s disciple. What an interesting fellow, " he cackled, pulling his arms into his sleeves. "He was also the one who dyed my yukata pink."

Of course, I"m sure that most of my readers figured this out already.

Ozu began to wriggle his way into Jōgasaki"s confidences last fall, after Jōgasaki was kicked out of the circle. He listened to Jōgasaki"s complaints, sympathetically cursing the wretch who had overthrown him; never mind that the sneak who had masterminded the coup was Ozu himself. Thus Ozu wormed his way into Jōgasaki"s heart and secured his place as a trusted confidant. Each day they became more tightly intertwined, and as soon as Jōgasaki learned that Ozu was Master Higuchi"s disciple, he asked him to become a spy, a request to which Ozu simperingly acquiesced.

Through these convoluted machinations, Ozu"s nefarious designs began to unfold.

Under Master Higuchi"s orders, Ozu dumped an a.s.sorted jumbo bag of bugs into Jōgasaki"s mailbox; conversely, under Jōgasaki"s orders, he dyed the Master"s yukata pink, and thus dashing to and fro he lived the convoluted life of a double agent. Obviously, Ozu was the only one putting any real effort into this. It"s hard to say what he meant to gain by throwing all his energy into walking such a perilous tightrope. It certainly was an enigma, but one that is probably best left unsolved.

"I realized that he was Jōgasaki"s spy, but it was amusing, so I left him alone," the Master chortled.

"So basically, everything was his doing," I said. "And the two of you were dancing in the palm of his hand."

"I have to admit, I"m impressed with him," said Akashi.

"Yes, quite," the Master said, not missing a beat. "What an incorrigible fool. In the history of the m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War, there has never been such a feat. His name will surely go down in history. Ah, a castella."

Without even waiting for an invitation he scarfed down a slice. In high spirits, he announced, "Well then, tonight is the Duel on the Great Kamo Bridge."

"Master, hold on a second."

He nodded knowingly.

"You want to know the details, I suppose. It is time to explain the origins of the m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War."

What is the m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War?

This inconsequential, yet n.o.ble conflict can be traced back to before the Pacific War.

Some say that it started from a high school love rivalry; others, from a nigori sake drinking contest. Whichever it is, the details have been lost to history.

The original battle dragged on over a long period, as both partic.i.p.ants were still in school and fought incessantly. It went on so long that even as graduation season approached, no conclusion was in sight. The warring parties, whose names have been lost over the years, had already given up on solving the problem before they graduated. The obvious solution would be to make peace, but the obstinate pair spurned the thought of reconciliation. Yet they were both so tired of it that they didn"t want to go on fighting either, and their pride would not allow them to let it go unresolved. The surprise solution they eventually came up with was to force two undercla.s.smen to fight in their place as proxies.

And that was how the long, unbroken history of the campus-wide war began.

Though n.o.body knows how the war was fought back then, it"s clear that even then the unwritten rules of engagement consisted of pulling off petty pranks. There need not be any enmity between the two partic.i.p.ants; the only rule is that they must fight. The new proxies simply continued to fight without ending the war, just as their predecessors had; they didn"t know whether or not they should end the war. Eventually they handed over the reins to a new set of proxies, postponing the end even further.

As the Pacific War ended in defeat, as j.a.pan was rebuilt during the post-war reconstruction period, as college campuses were enveloped with violent student protests, the proxy war raged on without any concern for the goings-on in the world at large. The reason for the war was completely forgotten, and only the form was pa.s.sed on, and over many years and repet.i.tions, a set of traditions developed to regulate the actions of the partic.i.p.ants.

In the latter half of the "80s, the Neko Ramen cart became the designated location for the negotiations and inheritance ceremony. After the combatants fought the closing duel on the Great Kamo Bridge, they would hand over the reins to their proxies. The new proxies would then carry on their own battle as long as they could, and then elect those they judged to have promise as new proxies of their own to succeed them.

That day, Ozu became Jōgasaki"s proxy, and I, Master Higuchi"s.

Since the war was based on proxies hara.s.sing each other, it had come to be known as the m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War. To be precise, it was actually the m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-Proxy-War, as Ozu and I were combatants of the thirtieth incarnation of the war.

Master Higuchi and Jōgasaki just happened to be chosen as the twenty-ninth proxies. There wasn"t actually any bad blood between them. Either every proxy had disliked the idea of ending the tradition, or they simply just didn"t know how to end the war.

In other words, this war was utterly meaningless.

"Is this a joke?"

"If you don"t become my proxy, then Jōgasaki and I will never be reconciled. Ozu is such an ornery fellow that I"m sure it"ll be worth your while."

You"ve got to be kidding me!"

Master Higuchi suddenly fell prostrate to the ground before me.

I hardly thought this was a tradition worth all this effort to protect, but seeing him beg me like this, I couldn"t say no. I wanted to cry, knowing that a rosy student life was once again slipping out of my reach.

"Fine," I muttered. The Master raised his head and nodded, looking pleased.

"Akashi, will you be the witness? I need you to ensure that both of them fulfill their duties honorably, and keep the peace if things get out of hand."

"I understand," she curtly nodded.

There was no turning back.

The Master let out a sigh of relief and slumped to the ground. "Now I have no regrets," he murmured to himself. He produced another cigar and lit it up. Having been forced to take up the mantle of this meaningless war and throwing away any chance of grabbing whatever opportunity would come my way, I began to mull over what lay before me in this worthless, decades-old conflict, when I noticed Akashi poking me insistently. She pointed at the box containing the kamenoko brush.

"Master, I have the kamenoko brush. Akashi managed to obtain it for me."

As I presented him with the brush, the Master"s eyes widened in astonishment and he gave a little gasp, but after getting over his initial shock he looked apologetic.

"I"m sorry," he said. "I"ll be leaving after the duel is over."

Akashi gasped in shock.

"So you really are going to go circ.u.mnavigate the world? It still sounds crazy to me," I said.

But he just shook his head.

"It was for that sole purpose that I decided on a proxy. I won"t be going back to that 4½-tatami room for a while. Can I ask you to clean it up for me?"

"Self-centered to the last, I see."

"I suppose so," he chuckled."Look at the time; we need to get to the Great Kamo Bridge. It"s my last battle with Jōgasaki, after all."

As we were about to leave the room, Hanuki came rushing in, completely out of breath. "Oh good, I made it…" she wheezed. "I ran here as soon as I got off work."

"I was beginning to think you weren"t coming to watch."

"I want to see it with my own eyes, though it"s a pretty pointless sort of battle."

And so we set off for the Great Kamo Bridge.

As we reached the east end of the Great Kamo Bridge. Master Higuchi rolled up the sleeve of his yukata and consulted an old-fashioned wrist.w.a.tch.

The afternoon had already given way to indigo twilight, and the Kamo Delta was already buzzing with merrymaking students. It was probably a welcoming banquet for incoming freshmen. Come to think of it, I had not been to gatherings like that for the past two years.

The roaring Kamo River was swollen from the recent rains, its surface gilded with silver from the streetlights that were beginning to flicker on one by one. As the day ended, Imadegawa Street came alive, and the Great Kamo Bridge was packed with cars, white and red lights glittering in the falling darkness. The orange lights that dotted the thick guardrail on the bridge shone dimly, mysteriously through the night. For some reason, tonight the bridge looked awfully wide.

"Ah, here they are," the Master said, sounding pleased, and started walking towards the center of the bridge.

From the other side of the bridge, I could see Jōgasaki walking towards us, with Ozu at his side.

The two parties glared at each other all the way, meeting at the exact center of the bridge. Below us, the raging river threw up white sheets of spray. To the south, beyond the black expanse of water, the distant lights of Shijō district glittered like precious gems.

"Well, if it isn"t Akashi?" Jōgasaki said, looking surprised.

"Good evening," she nodded back.

"You know Higuchi?"

"I became his disciple last fall."

"She"s just an observer today. This is the proxy, whom you met yesterday," the Master said, pointing at me. "By the way, isn"t your proxy over there my own disciple, Ozu?"

Jōgasaki"s smirked.

"You thought he was your man, didn"t you? But he was actually my spy the entire time! Shocking, right dude?"

"You got me," the Master smiled ruefully.

"Alright then."

"Let"s do it."

The air suddenly became incredibly tense.

As we looked on, Jōgasaki and Master Higuchi locked glares with each other. Under the glow of the lamps on the bridge, Jōgasaki"s chiseled features could have belonged to one of the Four Hitokiri of the Bak.u.matsu. Ozu stood beside him, his gloomy grin only adding to the effect. Meeting the enemy was Master Higuchi, his eggplant-shaped face looking as stern as it could. As he stood there haughtily, his arms n.o.bly folded across the front of his deep blue yukata, I could feel an ineffable vigor radiating from him. The two opponents looked like mighty rivals, arrayed against each other in an epic showdown.

What sort of battle was it going to be? We waited there with bated breath, awaiting the next development.

At last, Hanuki walked between them and chopped the air with her hand, as if cutting an invisible string that linked the two.

"Okay, get it over with already."

For a duel that was going to end five years of conflict, that sure was a disappointing introduction.

Jōgasaki bent his knees while Ozu hastily scurried to the rear. Akashi and I followed suit. Master Higuchi stood completely motionless. Jōgasaki pushed his left palm in front of him towards the sky, while his right hand was in a fist at the side of his waist, as if he were about to leap towards Master Higuchi. In response, the Master unfolded his arms and made strange, esoteric signs with his hands as if he were chanting mantras.

"Let"s go, Higuchi," Jōgasaki snarled.

"Indeed," replied the Master.

For a moment, everyone stopped breathing. Then, the two of them suddenly sprang into action.

"Rock, paper -"

"Scissors!"

Jōgasaki dramatically crashed to the ground.

"All right, we have a winner!" Hanuki started applauding by herself; Akashi joined in a beat or two after. I was too dumbfounded to move.

"I won, so you"ll be the one to make the first strike," the Master told me.

The Duel on the Great Kamo Bridge was nothing more than a game of rock-paper-scissors to decide which proxy would strike first.

"Well, well, that"s a burden off my shoulders," the Master sighed, looking up into the evening skies with his arms crossed in his usual unflappable manner. Jōgasaki stood up as if nothing had happened, a nonchalant expression on his face. Master Higuchi took out a cigar and offered it to him.

Jōgasaki took a puff and asked, "Alright Higuchi, what are you gonna do now? You"re the one that wanted to put an end to it."

"I will fly off into the world."

"Hey, Hanuki, Higuchi"s spouting psychobabble again."

"Don"t mind him, he"s just an idiot," Hanuki replied. "Want to go drinking?"

During this exchange, the Master abruptly smiled and leaned over to whisper in my ear.

"Now, in all likelihood I will never see you again."

"Huh?"

"So I"m going to give you my globe."

"Give me—wait, it was my globe in the first place!"

"Was it really?"

So he really intended to disappear off somewhere.

As I tried to find the words to answer him, screams rose up from the Kamo Delta to the north. The students at the party were in an uproar, running this way and that. Leaning over the handrail to look, I could make out what looked like a dark cloud stretching from the Aoi Park forest to the delta. It buzzed loudly as it grew larger, enveloping the entire delta. The people inside the cloud ran around frantically flapping their arms and batting at their heads. We gazed at the scene, mesmerized, as the dark cloud began to creep over the surface of the water towards us.

The noise from the delta began to become even more tumultuous. The cloud kept pouring out of the pine trees. It was an incredible sight. Flutterflutterflutterflutterflutter went the squirming cloud as it rolled towards us like a carpet, rising above the water, billowing over the handrail and burying the Great Kamo Bridge like an avalanche.

"GYEEEEEEEEEEE" Akashi cartoonishly screamed.

It was a giant swarm of moths.

The next day the moth plague made the front page, though n.o.body knew where the moths had come from. By tracing their route, it appeared that the swarm had originated in the Tadasu Forest, that is to say, Shimogamo Shrine, but many questions were left unanswered. For instance, there was no explanation for why all the moths in the forest would simultaneously decide to migrate. There was an alternative rumor going around that the moths had actually come from the neighboring Izumigawa town, but that explanation was even more confusing. It appeared that the neighborhood around my boarding house had been inundated with moths for a brief while as well.

When I returned later that night, the corridor was littered with moth corpses. I had forgotten to lock my door, so my room was carpeted with them as well, but I reverently gathered the corpses and buried them.

As moths thrummed around me, filling the air with glittering scales and occasionally attempting to force their way into my mouth, I fought my way through the swarm to Akashi and gallantly shielded her from the worst of it. Being originally from the city, I had formerly never had to coexist with bugs, but after two years in the boarding house, I had become intimately acquainted with all sorts of arthropods.

Even so, the sheer number of moths that night was utterly overwhelming. The drone of beating wings cut us off from the outside world, as if it were not moths but a swarm of winged imps pa.s.sing over the bridge. It was nearly impossible to see anything. What little I could see through my squinted eyes was limited to the moths dancing in the orange light of the streetlamps, and Akashi"s shining black hair. I couldn"t even spare a glance to see how everyone else was faring.

After a while the swarm moved on, leaving only a few stragglers flitting here and there. Akashi"s face was ashen as she frantically brushed herself off all over, shrieking, "Are they on me? Are they on me?" before sprinting away away from the writhing moths still dotting the ground with frightening swiftness towards the east end of the bridge and collapsing to the ground in the soft light of a café.

The carpet of moths slowly rolled down the river towards Shijō.

The others were looking around around the area, dazed. I did the same, glancing over the spots of orange light dotting the bridge.

Master Higuchi was nowhere to be seen, almost as if he had been borne away by the swarm of moths. It was a stage exit truly befitting our master. Mysteriously, Ozu was also missing; I suspected that he"d planned this whole show from the start.

"Dude, Higuchi and Ozu are gone!" Jōgasaki said in amazement, still surveying the bridge.

"Fine, leave then," said Hanuki to no one in particular, still holding on to the guardrail as the evening breeze wafted by.

"I"m going to go drinking tonight," Hanuki declared, with her hands on her hips. "Coming, Jōgasaki?"

"Sounds good," he said with a slightly distant, almost lonely expression. "But that card Higuchi didn"t even say goodbye. It would have been nice to have the closure, at least."

"It"s been some time since it was just the two of us at the bar, huh?"

Hanuki came up to me and said, "Take care of Akashi, okay?"

The two of them departed, chatting about the nightlife in Kiyamachi.

I walked to Akashi, who was sitting down under the light of the café. "Are you alright?" I asked. "The Master"s disappeared."

She looked up at me, her face still quite pale.

"Would you like a cup of tea to calm down?" I was certainly not making a craven attempt to take advantage of her fear of moths; I was simply concerned by the lack of color in her face. She nodded, and we went into the café in front of us.

"I wonder what happened to Master Higuchi? Ozu"s gone missing too," I said, taking a sip of coffee.

Looking at my perplexed expression, she suddenly stifled a giggle.

"He"s almost like a wizard, isn"t he? The way he just flew off into the sky and disappeared." She took a sip. "It"s just like him."

"I wonder where he went," I pondered. "I bet Ozu had something to do with it."

As we drank, I was suddenly reminded of the Colosseum. Perhaps her saying the word back then had been the chance I was waiting for. If I had been able to escape then and avoid being swept up by the Master into the m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War, I surely would have been able to set foot upon a new path. Sighing loudly, I bemoaned the loss of my rose-colored future to Akashi.

"I let it slip through my fingers…" I groaned. "And now nothing"s going to change."

"No, no," Akashi shook her head. "You"ve grabbed hold of that chance already, you just haven"t noticed it yet."

As we sat there, the sound of an ambulance siren began to grow louder and louder. Just as we thought it would pa.s.s us, it came to a stop on the west end of the Great Kamo Bridge, and the clatter of the paramedics pierced through the café.

"I really must express my thanks for getting the kamenoko brush, by the way."

I bowed my head gravely, and a smile floated to her still pale face.

"The Master ended up leaving anyway though. I"m just happy that it made you happy."

I suddenly felt a rush of emotion that was improperly directed towards someone who was my apprentice. Though it is quite beneath me to explain in great detail what exactly those feelings were, at a loss as to what I should do with those feelings, I spluttered out a single line.

"Akashi, would you like to go to Neko Ramen with me?"

To describe how the relationship between Akashi and I developed after that would deviate from the purpose of this ma.n.u.script; consequently, I will refrain from recounting those events here. I am sure my readers would rather not waste their time reading such contemptible stuff.

There is nothing more boring than telling a story of requited love.

Following that incident, Master Higuchi disappeared off the face of the earth. No one thought that he would pull off such a dramatic escape, without even saying goodbye. I still don"t know if he ever set off on his trip around the globe.

After his disappearance, it took Akashi, Hanuki, and myself half a month to unenthusiastically clean up room 210. The kamenoko brush proved to be an immense help, but nonetheless we were faced with a daunting task. Hanuki excused herself early from cleaning duty; Akashi was so disgusted at the acc.u.mulated filth that she pretended to have a panic attack in order to flee; and Ozu, who had come hobbling in on crutches to observe our efforts, threw up all over the sink, making our task all the more arduous.

My bitterness towards being forced into discipleship by Master Higuchi reached a climax just before he disappeared, but now that he was gone I felt that something was missing. Upon seeing the pins on the globe in the Master"s room, marking the route of the Nautilus, I was so overcome with emotion that I felt an urge to nuzzle the globe, but refrained; even I have my limits. I removed the pins one by one, wondering where Master Higuchi was right now.

By the way, the fantastic kamenoko brush now resides in Akashi"s room. She has learned to use it quite effectively.

I later heard from Hanuki that Jōgasaki had left the lab, seeking to find work somewhere. I wonder what had become of that silent beauty, Kaori, whom Ozu had endeavored to steal. I pray that she and Jōgasaki are leading a blissful life together.

Hanuki continues to work at Kubozuka Dental Clinic. About two months after the Master disappeared I, went in to have my teeth examined. My wisdom teeth had a few cavities, prompting Hanuki to quip, "Now aren"t you glad you came?" Furthermore, I was bestowed with the honor of having her sc.r.a.pe the plaque off my teeth. To her credit, despite the haughty look on her face, her touch was both gentle and precise: the mark of a true professional.

Someone as roguish as me (mentally, anyway) could hardly imagine what she went through after the Master left, but I"m sure she was very lonely. Thence whenever she invited me to go drinking, I, along with Ozu and Akashi, always bravely took up her offer.

It was always a rough time.

Master Higuchi"s sole worldly concern, the m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic Proxy-Proxy War, was handed over to Ozu and me. I could not help but be filled with gloom whenever I thought about the unpleasant task of continuing this war until I found a proxy.

At the duel on the Great Kamo Bridge, it had been decided that I would make the first strike. I took advantage of Ozu"s hospitalization to repaint the bicycle he called "Dark Scorpion" bright pink. It was so well done that afterwards you could hardly recognize it as the same bicycle.

When Ozu came out hobbling on his crutches and saw this, he was visibly ruffled, and huffily rode it off towards Shimogamo Yūsuisō.

"This is outrageous, you can"t just paint it pink!"

"You dyed Master Higuchi"s yukata pink, though."

"That"s completely different!"

"The h.e.l.l it is!"

"I"m going to Akashi to file a complaint, I know she"ll understand!"

And so it went.

It is true that after Master Higuchi absconded, a great many changes entered my life; however, I would be vexed if that were to be interpreted as a vindication of my actions. I am not so naive as to so easily overlook the mistakes of the past. On occasion, I would consider magnanimously embracing my past self. Perhaps things would be different if I were a young lady, but who would want to embrace a disgusting twenty-something man like myself? Driven by this indignation, I refuse to absolve my past self of these sins.

I couldn"t shake off the feeling that choosing to become a disciple in front of that fateful clock tower that day had been a mistake. What if I had chosen a different path? If I had gone into Misogi movie circle, or chosen the softball circle, or even entered the secret society, my past two years certainly would have been quite different. At least, it is plain my life would not have been as twisted as it is now. Perhaps that ever elusive rosy student life would have been in my grasp. I could not bring myself to deny that the past two years had been full of mistakes and missed opportunities.

Above all, my unfortunate mistake of meeting Ozu would surely haunt me for the rest of my life.

Immediately following the disappearance of Master Higuchi, Ozu was admitted to a hospital beside campus.

It was quite delightful to see him strapped down to the white hospital bed. Owing to his already ghoulish complexion, it appeared as if he had contracted some incurable disease, though in reality it was merely a broken bone. In fact, he was probably lucky to get off with just a fracture. I sat there gloating as he grumbled about his inability to partake in any of his usual wicked habits, but whenever I got tired of his bleating I stuffed a slice of castella in his mouth to shut him up.

Why did Ozu have a broken bone?

Let us return to that evening, when that swarm of moths overtook the bridge.

As moths thrummed around me, filling the air with glittering scales and occasionally attempting to force their way into my mouth, I fought my way through the swarm to Akashi and gallantly shielded her from the worst of it.

On the other hand, though Ozu was completely covered in moths, that odd smile never left his face, and he simply stood there waiting for things to subside. The only thing he seemed to be worried about was his hair getting mussed.

At that moment, he saw Master Higuchi climb up on the guardrail of the bridge. Through the storm of insect scales, Master Higuchi stood there with his arms outspread, as if he were about to take flight above the ancient city. Ozu tried to shout "Master!" A few moths immediately flew into his mouth and smothered his cries, but he walked up to the guardrail anyway and unthinkingly took hold of the Master"s yukata. Suddenly the Master seemed to rise into the air, and Ozu felt himself being pulled up along with him. The Master looked down at him, and though the air was flooded with the sound of beating wings, Ozu insisted that the Master said to him, "Ozu, you show much promise."

Considering it was Ozu saying this, I obviously didn"t believe a word.

After supposedly uttering those words, the Master slipped through Ozu"s fingers and disappeared.

Ozu immediately lost his balance and fell into the Kamo River, breaking his arm and being forced to cling to one of the bridge supports like a discarded piece of trash until he was spotted by some cheerleaders from the Kamo Delta.

The ambulance that Akashi and I had heard as we elegantly sipped coffee at the café had been called for Ozu"s sake.

That explained Ozu"s broken bone, but I wasn"t persuaded in the slightest by Ozu"s account of the Master"s disappearance, and suspected that there was another side to this story.

"So you"re saying that the Master was borne off on his journey by that swarm of moths?"

"That"s right, there"s no other explanation."

"Am I just supposed to take your word for it?"

"Have I ever lied to you?"

"You think I would believe that you would throw yourself at the Master to stop him?"

"The Master is very important to me," he huffed indignantly.

"If you really cared for him that much, then why did you keep opportunistically switching loyalties between him and Jōgasaki? What did you mean by that?" I said.

His customary youkai-like grin floated to his face.

"It"s how I show my love!"

"I don"t need that nasty stuff," I replied.