Because she had lost the one thing that mattered in her life she had plunged into the world of Social gaiety in an effort to forget.
She sought admiration, she sought the love she had lost, even while she knew that she would never find it again.
And so while she could not be satisfied by love, she would try and replace it with ambition, and she had achieved that when the Marquis asked her to marry him.
It was all very clear, Torilla thought, and she knew that this was a further reason why she could do nothing to take the Marquis from her.
Beryl lost Rodney who was the love of her life and a great Social position was her only subst.i.tute.
"At least my wearing pink will give them something to talk about," Beryl said in a voice, which told Torilla that she had once again a.s.sumed a mask to hide her real feelings.
"It might make them a speculate why you are wearing it," Torilla said hesitatingly.
"They will do that whatever I wear," Beryl replied. "You don"t suppose that those gossiping old chatterboxes have not paired me off with innumerable lovers by this time? Charles Newall is only the latest."
She gave a pathetic little laugh that was not far from tears and went on, "There were several men last year who they whispered about in corners and as many the year before."
"And you do not a mind?" Torilla asked.
"Why should I?" Beryl replied shrugging her shoulders. "It is better to be talked about than ignored and I should hate a really hate a no one to notice me."
She saw the expression on Torilla"s face and rose from the stool to come to her side.
"I am glad I have told you my secret, dearest," she said. "You are the only person who would understand, the only person who will know why sometimes I do outrageous things just to a forget."
"I do understand, but, Beryl, remember that because he loved you Rodney will always be near you as I feel Mama is near me."
Beryl stiffened.
"I have tried to believe that. When I first learnt that he was dead, I used to cry out to him in the darkness to come to me, to hold me in his arms as he did when he was alive, but he a never came."
Her voice hardened as she went on, "I told myself then that all the stories of an after life that your father talks about so glibly were a lot of nonsense. When someone dies, there is only h.e.l.l for those who are left behind."
"No, no!" Torilla said. "You must not think that! I have often felt when I have been desperately unhappy that Mama was near me. I know there is no death."
"Then why does Rodney not come to me?" Beryl asked. "He loved me, Torilla, as no one will ever love me again. We belonged to each other and yet now he is apparently content to leave me a alone."
"I do not believe that."
"Well, I do!" Beryl answered.
Once again there were tears in her eyes and she wiped them away.
"We cannot go out now, seeing what a freak I have made of myself. I am going to lie down, Torilla, and I suggest you do the same. There is a dinner party tonight, but only a small one."
"You had better not stay up late, since you are being married tomorrow," Torilla replied, trying to speak naturally.
"I suppose not," Beryl agreed. "Gallen is not coming to dinner, I cannot think why. He sent his apologies this morning and said he has made other plans."
She smiled mockingly as she added, "I expect he plans to say goodbye to one of his flirts. I wonder if it is the widow with whom he was enamoured at one time, or a very delectable red-head I saw him with one night at a theatre?"
Torilla was quite certain it was neither of these women and what the Marquis was really avoiding was a small intimate dinner party at which she would be present.
"I should have gone North before the wedding," she thought, but it had been impossible to leave Beryl and now she was glad she had not done so.
She felt that in some way it had been a relief for Beryl to tell her the truth, and it swept away much of the anxiety she had felt about her cousin"s character having altered since she had been such a success in London.
It hurt her to think of Beryl"s unhappiness hidden beneath all the froth and gaiety of the Social world.
But at least Beryl had been married to Rodney, she had known the unutterable bliss of being his wife and they had had, as Beryl said herself, three days of Heaven.
When Torilla went back to Barrowfield, there would be only the memory of one wonderful kiss and the touch of the Marquis"s fingers on her wrist.
That was all she had to last her for the rest of her life.
Yet because she loved him so deeply, he would always be in her thoughts and mind.
Whatever physically he might mean to Beryl, or to any other woman, spiritually he would remain hers for all Eternity.
There was so much commotion and fuss on the morning of the wedding that Torilla felt they would never reach the Church.
The Countess was rushing round the house giving the servants orders, then countermanding them, and the confusion was increased by the late arrival of the Earl.
His carriage had been delayed on the road and at one moment they thought he must have forgotten the day and would not be there to give the bride away.
Combined with all this, there was a constant stream of callers bringing notes and messages and belated presents. Florists delivering bouquets and dressmakers items of clothing, which had needed last minute alterations.
There were a dozen trunks to be packed for Beryl"s honeymoon.
Again either the Countess or Beryl kept changing their minds as to what was to be included and what was to be sent to the Marquis"s castle in Huntingdonshire.
The only person not particularly involved was Torilla herself.
Although she tried to keep close to her cousin in case she should need her, Beryl was in one of her moods when she was ready to think everything amusing and take nothing seriously.
She infuriated the Earl by telling him that his smart London coat was too tight for him and, when she tried to change her mother"s hat, the Countess screamed at her in exasperation.
"Do not interfere, Beryl!" she stormed. "Leave me alone and look after your own things. I am quite certain that you and your maid have forgotten half the gowns that should have been packed."
"If so, I will buy some more," Beryl retorted tartly.
Finally she was dressed in the pink gown that had evoked a storm of opposition both from her father and her mother.
"Pink? Who ever heard of a bride wearing pink?" they asked, both for once being in accord.
"It is extremely unconventional," the Earl intoned pompously.
"I have no wish to be a conventional bride," Beryl replied, "and you know as well as I do, Papa, that I am looking very beautiful and everyone will tell you so."
"Why did you not consult me and ask my advice?" the Countess asked over and over again. "It is a great mistake for the bride not to follow tradition."
"Well, it"s too late now," Beryl answered. "Either I come to the Church in pink or you can call the wedding off. Perhaps Gallen will be quite relieved."
As the Earl and Countess had no desire to lose such an important son-in-law, they were silenced by Beryl"s suggestion, and eventually only a few minutes late on schedule the Countess and Torilla left for the Church, leaving Beryl and her father to follow in another carriage.
"I only hope Gallen will know how to deal with Beryl," the Countess said sharply as they set off. "I find her extremely annoying at times."
"She looks very beautiful, Aunt Louise," Torilla came in soothingly.
But nothing would placate her aunt, who muttered and grumbled all the way to the Church.
Her efforts for Beryl"s sake to get the Countess into a good humour prevented Torilla from being conscious of her own feelings.
She had not slept last night, but had lain awake wrestling with her conscience, tempted by what she felt were all the devils in h.e.l.l.
Once she actually rose from her bed, lit a candle and started a note to the Marquis.
"I love you," she wrote, "I cannot face the future without you. I will do as you asked and a"
She stopped, stared down at what she had written and knew it was wicked and the prompting of evil.
Frantically she tore the note into tiny pieces, then flung herself on the bed crying desperately and despairingly until she could cry no more.
When in the Church she saw the Marquis come from the Vestry to stand waiting at the Chancel steps for his bride, she felt as if a dark cloud encompa.s.sed her.
How could she endure the years ahead without him? How could obedience to duty or honour compensate either of them for an empty barren existence without love?
As Torilla with her eyes downcast followed Beryl up the aisle, walking a few feet behind her glittering rose-covered train, she felt that her whole body was one dull ache and the agony in her breast was unbearable.
"I love him! I love him!"
She had the same overwhelming desire that she had felt the night before to run to his side and tell him that she was ready to go with him anywhere in the world so long as they could be together.
The Bishop wearing his mitre and full vestments, began the marriage service and Torilla, raising her eyes, saw that the Marquis was standing beside Beryl.
She looked at his broad shoulders, the outline of his dark head and knew that his face would be set and grim, the lines deeply etched.
She heard the Bishop say, "Therefore, if any man can show any just cause why these two people may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak or hereafter hold his peace."
"A just cause!" Torilla repeated beneath her breath.
What was more just than love? What was more important in marriage than that two people who were to be man and wife should love each other with their hearts and souls as she loved the Marquis?
She wanted to cry out and stop the wedding, but after the little pause that followed the Bishop"s words, he continued, "I require and charge you both, that as you will answer at the dreadful day of judgement when the secrets of all hearts shall be disclosed, that if either of you know of any just impediment why ye may not be lawfully joined together in matrimony ye now confess it."
Torilla felt as if the Marquis was reaching out to her, telling her that she already knew the secrets within his heart. Her eyes were still on the back of his head and she almost expected him to turn round and look at her.
The Bishop continued, "Gallen Alexander, will you take this woman to be your wedded wife, to live together after G.o.d"s Holy ordinance a "
The congregation in their silks and satins seemed to move dizzily around her and Torilla thought she was going to faint.
Suddenly from the back of the Church, a voice rang out.
"Stop this marriage! It must not take place!"
Every head turned and, startled, Torilla turned too. Standing in the aisle just inside the West Door there was a man, but because he had his back to the light, she could not see his face.
He was tall, but, as he came walking up the aisle, she saw that he limped and his riding-boots were covered in dust.
Then, as he came a few steps nearer she saw there was the gash of a deep but healed wound on the man"s forehead and at that moment she recognised him!
At the cry from the end of the Church, the Bishop had stopped reading the Service and both Beryl and the Marquis had slowly turned round.
Now there was a scream that echoed high into the roof, a scream that was followed by the incredulous cry of a "Rodney!"
Beryl was running down the aisle, stumbling over her train and only being prevented from falling by Rodney catching her in his arms.
"Rodney a Rodney! You are a alive! You are a alive!"
The words were so incoherent and yet so poignant with an inexpressible joy that they brought tears to the eyes of every woman in the congregation.
"You were a dead! But you are a alive a alive!" Beryl went on. "Oh, Rodney! Rodney!"
"I am alive, my precious wife," Rodney said, "and I cannot allow you to marry anyone else."
"As if I would a want to!" Beryl answered. "Oh, darling, I have been so a miserable, so broken-hearted. I thought never to a see you again!"
Her voice broke on the last word and anyway it would have been impossible to say more for Rodney was kissing her, kissing her pa.s.sionately, quite regardless of the staring eyes of everyone around them.
Torilla could never remember afterwards how they got from St. George"s Hanover Square to Carlton House. Actually she travelled in the same carriage as the Earl and Countess, who were too stunned to do anything, but just murmur Rodney"s name over and over again.
He had explained who he was to the Bishop before they left.
He told His Grace briefly that he had only just arrived from France and had ridden all night to reach the Church in time to prevent Beryl from committing bigamy.
At Carlton House he had apologised to the Prince Regent for his appearance, but the Prince intrigued by the story had waved such unimportant matters aside.
"You must tell me, my dear boy exactly what happened," he said in his thick plummy voice. "How is it possible that you were overlooked when our Armies left France?"
What she did not hear at the reception, Torilla learnt later when they all went back to Curzon House.
After the battle of Toulouse, where Rodney had been severely wounded and left on the battlefield for dead, he had been stripped of his uniform.
The scavengers who were a menace on every battlefield took everything he possessed, even down to his boots. The wound in his head had left him completely unconscious and he also had a bullet in his leg.
He had apparently been overlooked by the British when they collected their casualties and it was only when two Catholic Priests were reading the burial service over the dead that they found he was alive.