The Ten Years When I Loved You So

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When He Zhishu stepped out of the hospital a cold breeze greeted him. He shivered as he watched the snow slowly falling from the heavens onto his face and everywhere around him. Winter had crept up to him and he only now realized. The winter in Beijing is exceptionally cold and He Zhishu felt himself poorly prepared for it. He tightened his scarf to repel the chill wrapping his neck. He held in his hand several test sheets, creased by his grip and wet with snow. He stood beside a stop sign, waiting for the bus that seem to take an eternity to arrive. He Zhishu"s fingers were cold and pale, and he could barely grip his phone. He pressed the dial. The other line rang but there was no answer. He dialed again and again, still no answer. He Zhishu gave up and returned the phone in his pocket. He crumpled the test sheets into a ball and threw them into the nearby trash can.

More than half an hour later the bus finally arrived. There were few pa.s.sengers inside and He Zhishu thought it odd. Nevertheless, he welcomed the lack of crowd. He sat beside the window and rested his head on the gla.s.s. He took out his phone again and dialed. This time the call connected.

“It"s snowing today…” He Zhishu spoke gently. “Winter is almost here.”

“Is there something wrong? I am working.” Jiang Wenxu said then yawned as if tired.

“Are you coming home for dinner tonight? It"s been a while since last we ate together.” asked He Zhishu, rubbing the silver ring on his right hand.

Though his words were clear, He Zhishu"s eyes were blurry as tears streamed down his cold cheeks. Jiang Wenxu felt that his partner was behaving strangely today. They had been a couple for fourteen years and here intuition told him that something was wrong.

“What happened?” asked Jiang Wenxu.

“Are you coming home tonight?” He Zhishu ignored the question. “We should eat some dumplings. I"ll make us some dumplings.”

“I really can"t come tonight.” Jiang Wenxu answered.

“I see…” He Zhishu replied.

“You don"t need to cook. I"ll call Xiao Song to get you something.” said Jiang Wenxu. “I"m really busy. I need to hang up.”

The call ended. He Zhishu sat there, listening to the beep from his phone. He slumped over his seat, covering his face with his hands and he sobbed quietly. How busy was the company? So much that the boss couldn"t even come home for dinner? No. He Zhishu knew the real reason. Jiang Wenxu, his lover for fourteen years, was having an affair.

It began four years ago. Jiang Wenxu"s att.i.tude towards him suddenly changed and he knew that his heart no longer belonged to him. He Zhishu was a sensitive and intelligent person. He was very perceptive, and with his partner"s sudden change he knew that something was wrong. But He Zhishu pretended not to know. He wanted to talk about this with his partner, he wanted clarification. He wanted the truth. But He Zhishu was scared of the truth. There was harmony between him and Jiang Wenxu and he wished to cling to it even if it was false. Love is the doing of hormonal impulses, unstable it may be, it is still real. This had been his mindset for decades, and so he tolerated Jiang Wenxu"s misgivings. He could smell the perfume of woman in Jiang Wenxu"s clothes, the lipstick prints on his collar. He could understand why his partner did not come home to him and sought the comfort of a woman. What he didn"t not understand is why it came to this. They used to love each other so much, now everything had changed. All those years of difficulties, the struggles, they survived together. But now they were nothing but a distant memory.

The bus arrived at the next station and here He Zhishu got off, his face frozen white and his eyes weepy red. He didn"t buy dinner for he had lost his appet.i.te. He really wanted Jiang Wenxu to come home tonight because he wasn"t sure if he can still eat dumplings with him in the first snowy night next year. He arrived in front of company building.

“Mr. He!” shouted a man in a suit emerging from the door.

It was his a.s.sistant, coming up to him carrying a little box. They greeted each other.

“You will handle the company in the future and you no longer need to do such menial errands by Jiang Wenxy every day.” He Zhishu said to him.

The a.s.sistant only smiled and said, “I am only eager to do my job as an a.s.sistant. Although sometimes the job is hard, my employer pays a high salary, and so I try to do it as best as I can.”

He Zhishu smiled upon hearing this. He took the box from the a.s.sistant and went straight for his office. There he opened the box and found dumplings inside. He placed the box on a round table and sat in front of it. He sat still for a moment, just breathing.

Thirteen years ago there were only two people in this table. In the past ten years, this table was filled with flour and dumplings. Jiang Wenxu accompanied him back then. He was very childish and wrapped a lot of candy coins into the dumplings.  He always complained that the blessed dumplings were clipped by He Zhishu. If he packs less, he won"t be able to get it. He Zhishu used to have recurring nosebleeds back then and had to carry paper towels all the time. He understood why he was always sick. He had given his blessing to Jiang Wenxu. Everyone had given their blessed dumplings to Jiang Wenxu, and so nothing was left for him.

He Zhishu only ate four of the dumplings, leaving the four seasons. Four was enough for him. He checked his temperature; warm with fever in the cold season. Emotional fatigue more than physical exhaustion made him sick. And so he sat there and closed his eyes, hoping that in his sleep he would find peace and all his heartache would disappear.

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