Whyd he do that? Norm Schein said, eaten with curiosity, where he and the other hovelists stood. What in G.o.ds name went on, there?
Barney said nothing; shakily he set the remains of the metal piece down. They were ashlike remnants only, brittle and dry; they crumbled away as they touched the ground.
They got into a ha.s.sle, Tod Morris said. Mayerson and Eldritch; they didnt hit it off, not one bit.
Anyhow, Norm said, we got the Chew-Z. Mayerson, you better stay away from Eldritch in the future; let me handle the transaction. If I had known that because you were an employee of Leo Bulero Former, Barney said reflexively, and resumed his tinkering with the defective autonomic scoop. He had failed in his first try at killing Palmer Eldritch. Would he ever have a chance again?
Had he really had a chance just now?
The answer to both, he decided, was no.
Late that afternoon the hovelists of Chicken Pox Prospects gathered to chew. The mood was one of tension and solemnity; scarcely anything was said as the bindles of Chew-Z, one by one, were unwrapped and pa.s.sed around.
Ugh, Fran Schein said, making a face. It tastes awful .
Taste, schmnaste , Norm said impatiently. He chewed, then. Like a decayed mushroom; you sure are right. Stoically, he swallowed, and continued chewing. Gak, he said, and retched.
To be doing this without a layout Helen Morris said. Where will we go, just anywhere? Im scared, she said all at once. Will we be together? Are you positive of that, Norm?
Who cares, Sam Regan said, chewing.
Watch me, Barney Mayerson said.
They glanced at him with curiosity; something in his tone made them do as he said.
I put the Chew-Z in my mouth, Barney said, and did so. You see me doing it. Right? He chewed. Now Im chewing it. His heart labored. G.o.d, he thought. Can I go through with this?
Yeah, we see you, Tod Morris agreed, nodding. So what? I mean, are you going to blow up or float off like Eldritch or something? He, too, began on his bindle, then. They were all chewing, all seven of them, Barney realized. He shut his eyes.
The next he knew, his wife was bending over him.
I said, she said, do you want a second Manhattan or not? Because if you do I have to request the refrig for more cracked ice.
Emily, he said.
Yes, dear, she said tartly. Whenever you say my name like that I know youre about to launch in on one of your lectures. What is it this time? She seated herself on the arm of the couch opposite him, smoothing her skirt; it was the striking blue-and-white hand-printed Mexican wraparound that he had gotten her at Christmas. Im ready, she said.
Nolecture, he said. Am I really that way? he asked himself. Always delivering tirades? Groggily, he rose to his feet; he felt dizzy and he steadied himself by holding onto the nearby pole lamp.
Eying him, Emily said, Youre blammed.
Blammed. He hadnt heard that term since college; it was long out of style, and naturally Emily still used it. The word, he said as distinctly as possible, is now fnugled. Can you remember that? Fnugled. He walked unsteadily to the sideboard in the kitchen where the liquor was.
Fnugled, Emily said and sighed. She looked sad; he noticed that and wondered why. Barney, she said, then, dont drink so much, okay? Call it blammed or fnugled or anything you want, its still the same. I guess its my fault; you drink so much because Im so inadequate. She wiped briefly with her knuckle at her right eye, an annoying, familiar, ticlike motion.
Its not that youre so inadequate, he said. Its just that I have high standards. I was taught to expect a lot from others, he said to himself. To expect theyd be as reputable and stable as I am, and not sloppily emotional all the time, not in control of themselves.
But an artist, he realized. Or rather so-called artist. Bohemian. Thats closer to it. The artistic life without the talent. He began fixing himself a fresh drink, this one bourbon and water, without ice; he poured directly from the bottle of Old Crow, ignoring the shot gla.s.s.
When you pour that way, Emily said, I know youre angry and were in for it. And I just hate it.
So then leave, he said.
G.o.dd.a.m.n you, Emily said. I dont want to leave! Couldnt you just She gestured with hopeless futility. Be a little nicer, more charitable or something? Learn to overlook Her voice sank; almost inaudibly she said, My shortcomings.
But, he said, they cant be overlooked. Id like to. You think I want to live with someone who cant finish anything they start or accomplish anything socially? For instance whenaw, the h.e.l.l with it. What was the use? Emily couldnt be reformed; she was purely and simply a slob. Her idea of a well-spent day was to wallow and putter and fool with a mess of greasy, excretion-like paints or bury her arms for hours on end in a great crock of wet gray clay. And meanwhile.
Time was escaping from them. And all the world, including all of Mr. Buleros employees, especially his Pre-Fash consultants, grew and augmented themselves, bloomed into maturity. Ill never be the New York Pre-Fash consultant, he said to himself. Ill always be stuck here in Detroit where nothing , absolutely nothing new originates.
If he could snare the position of New York Pre-Fash consultantmy life would mean something, he realized. Id be happy because Id be doing a job that made full use of my ability. What the h.e.l.l else would I need? Nothing else; thats all I ask .
Im going out, he said to Emily and set down his gla.s.s; going to the closet, he got his coat.
Will you be back before I go to bed? Mournfully, she followed him to the door of the conapt, here in building 11139584counting outward from downtown New Yorkwhere they had lived two years, now.
Well see, he said, and opened the door.
In the hallway stood a figure, a tall gray man with bulging steel teeth, dead pupiless eyes, and a gleaming artificial hand extended from his right sleeve. The man said, h.e.l.lo, Mayerson. He smiled; the steel teeth shone.
Palmer Eldritch, Barney said. He turned to Emily. Youve seen his pics in the homeopapes; hes that incredibly famous big industrialist. Naturally he had recognized Eldritch, and at once. Did you want to see me? he asked hesitantly; it all had a mysterious quality to it, as if it had all somehow happened before but in another way.
Let me talk to your husband a moment, Eldritch said to Emily in a peculiarly gentle voice; he motioned and Barney stepped out into the hail. The door shut behind him; Emily had closed it obediently. Now Eldritch seemed grim; no longer gentle or smiling he said, Mayerson, youre using your time badly. Youre doing nothing but repeating the past. Whats the use of my selling you Chew-Z? Youre perverse; Ive never seen anything like it. Ill give you ten more minutes and then Im bringing you back to Chicken Pox Prospects where you belong. So you better figure out very d.a.m.n fast what you want and if you understand anything finally.
What the h.e.l.l, Barney said, is Chew-Z?
The artificial hand lifted; with enormous force Palmer Eldritch shoved him and he toppled.
Hey, Barney said weakly, trying to fight back, to nullify the pressure of the mans immense strength. What And then he was flat on his back. His head rang, ached; with difficulty he managed to open his eyes and focus on the room around him. He was waking up; he had on, he discovered, his pajamas, but they were unfamiliar: he had never seen them before. Was he in someone elses conapt, wearing their clothes? Some other man In panic he examined the bed, the covers. Beside him He saw an unfamiliar girl who slept on, breathing lightly through her mouth, her hair a tumble of cottonlike white, shoulders bare and smooth.
Im late, he said, and his voice came out distorted and husky, almost unrecognizable.
No youre not, the girl murmured, eyes still shut. Relax. We can get in to work from here in She yawned and opened her eyes. Fifteen minutes. She smiled at him; his discomfort amused her. You always say that, every morning. Go see about coffee. Ive got to have coffee.
Sure, he said, and scrambled out of bed.
Mr. Rabbit, the girl said mockingly. Youre so scared. Scared about me, about your joband always running.
My G.o.d, he said. Ive turned my back on everything.
What everything?
Emily. He stared at the girl, Roni Something-or-other , at her bedroom. Now Ive got nothing, he said.
Oh fine, Roni said with embittered sarcasm. Now maybe I can say some nice things to you, to make you feel good.
He said, And I did it just now. Not years ago. Just before Palmer Eldritch came in.
How could Palmer Eldritch come in? Hes in a hospital bed out in the Jupiter or Saturn area; the UN took him there after they pried him from the wreck of his ship. Her tone was scornful, and yet there was a note of curiosity in it.
Palmer Eldritch appeared to me just now, he said, doggedly. He thought, I have to get back to Emily . Sliding, stooping, he grabbed up his clothes, stumbled with them to the bathroom, and slammed the door behind him. Rapidly he shaved, changed, emerged, and said to the girl, who still lay in bed, I have to go. Dont be sore at me; I have to do it.
A moment later, without having had breakfast, he was descending to the ground-level floor and after that he stood under the ant.i.thermal shield, searching up and down for a cab.
The cab, a fine, shiny new model, whipped him in almost no time to Emilys conapt building; in a blur he paid it, hurried inside, and in a matter of seconds was ascending. It seemed as if no time had pa.s.sed, as if time had ceased and everything waited, frozen, for him; he was in a world of fixed objects, the sole moving thing.
At her door he rang the buzzer.
The door opened and a man stood there. Yes? The man was dark, reasonably good-looking, with heavy eyebrows and carefully combed, somewhat curly hair; he held the morning pape in one handbehind him Barney saw a table of breakfast dishes.
Barney said, YoureRichard Hnatt.
Yes. Puzzled, he regarded Barney intently. Do I know you?
Emily appeared, wearing a gray turtle-neck sweater and stained jeans. Good heavens. Its Barney, she said to Hnatt. My former. Come in. She held the door wide open for him and he entered the apt. She seemed pleased to see him.
Glad to meet you, Hnatt said in a neutral tone, starting to extend his hand and then changing his mind. Coffee?
Thanks. Barney seated himself at the breakfast table at an unset place. Listen, he said to Emily; he couldnt wait: it had to be said now even with Hnatt present. I made a mistake in divorcing you. Id like to remarry you. Go back on the old basis.
Emily, in a way which he remembered, laughed with delight; she was overcome and she went off to get him a cup and saucer, unable to answer. He wondered if she would ever answer; it was easier for herit appealed to the lazy slob in herjust to laugh. Christ, he thought and stared straight ahead, fixedly.
Across from him Hnatt seated himself and said, Were married. Did you suppose we were just living together? His face was dark but he seemed in control of himself.
Barney said, speaking to Emily and not to Hnatt, Marriages can be broken. Will you remarry me? He rose and took a few hesitant steps in her direction; at that moment she turned and, calmly, handed him his cup and saucer.
Oh no, she said, still smiling; her eyes poured over with light, that of compa.s.sion. She understood how he felt, that this was not an impulse only. But the answer was still no, and, he knew, it would always be; her mind was not even made upthere was, to her, simply no reality to which he was referring. He thought, I cut her down, once, cut her off, lopped her, with thorough knowledge of what I was doing, and this is the result; I am seeing the bread as they say which was cast on the water drifting back to choke me, water-soaked bread that will lodge in my throat, never to be swallowed or disgorged, either one. Its precisely what I deserve, he said to himself; I made this situation.
Returning to the kitchen table he numbly seated himself, sat as she filled his cup; he stared at her hands. Once these were my wifes, he said to himself. And I gave it up. Self-destruction; I wanted to see myself die. Thats the only possible satisfactory explanation. Or was I that stupid? No; stupidity wouldnt encompa.s.s such an enormity, so complete a willful Emily said, How are things, Barney?
Oh h.e.l.l, just plain great. His voice shook.
I hear youre living with a very pretty little redhead, Emily said. She seated herself at her own place, and resumed her meal.
Thats over, Barney said. Forgotten.
Who, then? Her tone was conversational. Pa.s.sing the time of day with me as if I were an old pal or perhaps a neighbor from another apt in this building, he thought. Madness! How can shecan shefeel like this? Impossible. Its an act, burying something deeper.
Aloud he said, Youre afraid that if you get mixed up with me again Illtoss you out again. Once burned, twice warned. But I wont; Ill never do anything like that again.
In her placid, conversational voice Emily said, Im sorry you feel so bad, Barney. Arent you seeing an a.n.a.lyst? Somebody said they saw you carrying a psychiatric suitcase around with you.
Dr. Smile, he said, remembering. Probably he had left him at Roni Fugates apt. I need help, he said to Emily. Isnt there any way He broke off. Cant the past be altered? he asked himself. Evidently not . Cause and effect work in only one direction, and change is real. So whats gone is gone and I might as well get out of here. He rose to his feet. I must be out of my mind, he said to both her and Richard Hnatt. Im sorry; Im only half awakethis morning Im disoriented. It started when I woke up.
Drink your coffee, why dont you? Hnatt suggested. How about some bears claw to go with it? The darkness had left his face; he, like Emily, was now tranquil, uninvolved.
Barney said, I dont understand it. Palmer Eldritch said to come here. Or had he? Something like that; he was certain of it. This was supposed to work out, I thought, he said, helplessly.
Hnatt and Emily glanced at each other.
Eldritch is in a hospital somewhere Emily began.
Somethings gone wrong, Barney said. Eldritch must have lost control. I better find him; he can explain it to me. And he felt panic, mercury-swift, fluid, pervasive panic; it filled him to his fingertips. Goodbye, he managed to say, and started toward the door, groping for escape.
From behind him Richard Hnatt said, Wait.
Barney turned. At the breakfast table Emily sat with a fixed, faint smile on her face, sipping her coffee, and across from her Hnatt sat facing Barney. Hnatt had one artificial hand, with which he held his fork, and when he lifted a bite of egg to his mouth Barney saw huge, jutting stainless steel teeth. And Hnatt was gray, hollowed out, with dead eyes, and much larger than before; he seemed to fill the room with his presence. But it was still Hnatt. I dont get it , Barney said, and stood at the door, not leaving the apt and not returning; he did as Hnatt suggested: he waited. Isnt this something like Palmer Eldritch? he asked himself. In pics he has an artificial limb and steel teeth and Jensen eyes, but this was not Eldritch.
Its only fair to tell you, Hnatt said matter-of-factly, that Emily is a lot fonder of you than what she says suggests. I know because shes told me. Many times. He glanced at Emily, then. Youre a duty type. You feel its the moral thing to do at this point, to suppress your emotions toward Barney; its what youve been doing all along anyhow. But forget your duty. You cant build a marriage on it; there has to be spontaneity there. Even if you feel its wrong to He made a gesture. Well, lets say deny me still, you should face your feelings honestly and not cover them with a self-sacrificing faade. Thats what you did with Barney here; you let him kick you out because you thought it was your duty not to interfere with his career. He added, Youre still behaving that way and its still a mistake. Be true to yourself. And, all at once, he grinned at Barney, grinnedand one dead eye flicked off, as if in a mechanical wink.
It was Palmer Eldritch now. Completely.
Emily, however, did not appear to notice; her smile had faded and she looked confused, upset, and increasingly furious. You make me so d.a.m.n angry, she said to her husband. I said how I feel and Im not a hypocrite. And I dont like to be accused of being one.
Across from her the seated man said, You have only one life. If you want to live it with Barney instead of me I dont. She glared at him.
Im going, Barney said; he opened the hall door. It was hopeless.
Wait. Palmer Eldritch rose, and sauntered after him. Ill walk downstairs with you.
Together the two of them trudged down the hall toward the steps.
Dont give up, Eldritch said. Remember: this is only the initial time youve made use of Chew-Z; youll have other times later. You can keep chipping away until eventually you get it.
Barney said, What the h.e.l.l is Chew-Z?
From close beside him a girls voice was repeating, Barney Mayerson. Come on. He was being shaken; he blinked, squinted. Kneeling, her hand on his shoulder, was Anne Hawthorne. What was it like? I stopped by and I couldnt find anyone around; then I ran across all of you here in a circle, completely pa.s.sed out. What if I had been a UN official?
You woke me, he said to Anne, realizing what she had done; he felt ma.s.sive, resentful disappointment. However, the translation for the time being was over and that was that. But he experienced the craving within him, the yearning. To do it again, and as soon as possible. Everything else was unimportant, even the girl beside him and his inert very quiet fellow-hovelists slumped here and there.
It was that good? Anne said perceptively. She touched her coat. He visited our hovel, too; I bought. That man with the strange teeth and eyes, that gray, big man.
Eldritch. Or a simulacrum of him. His joints ached, as if he had been sitting doubled up for hours, and yet, examining his watch, he saw that only a few seconds, a minute at the most, had pa.s.sed. Eldritch is everywhere, he said to Anne. Give me your Chew-Z, he said to her.
No.
He shrugged, concealing his disappointment, the acute, physical impact of deprivation. Well, Palmer Eldritch would be returning; he surely knew the effects of his product. Possibly even later today.
Tell me about it, Anne said.
Barney said, Its an illusory world in which Eldritch holds the key positions as G.o.d; he gives you a chance to do what you cant really ever doreconstruct the past as it ought to have been. But even for him its hard. Takes time. He was silent, then; he sat rubbing his aching forehead.
You mean he cantand you cantjust wave your arms and get what you want? As you can in a dream?
Its absolutely not like a dream. It was worse, he realized. More like being in h.e.l.l, he thought. Yes, thats the way h.e.l.l must be: recurrent and unyielding. But Eldritch thought in time, with sufficient patience and effort, it could be changed .
If you go back Anne began.
If. He stared at her. Ive got to go back. I wasnt able to accomplish anything this time. Hundreds of times, he thought. It might take that. Listen. For G.o.ds sake give me that Chew-Z bindle youve got there. I know I can convince her. Ive got Eldritch himself on my side, plugging away. Right now shes mad, and I took her by surprise He became silent; he stared at Anne Hawthorne. Theres something wrong, he thought. Because Anne had one artificial arm and hand; the plastic and metal fingers were only inches from him and he could discern them clearly. And when he looked up into her face he saw the hollowness, the emptiness as vast as the intersystem s.p.a.ce out of which Eldritch had emerged. The dead eyes, filled with s.p.a.ce beyond the known, visited worlds.