Iconoclasm, Anne said. I want to smash their idols and thats what Perky Pat and Walt are. I want to because I She was silent, then. I envy them. Its not religious fervor; its just a very mean, cruel streak. I know it. If I cant join them You can. You will. So will I. But not right away. He served her a cup of coffee; she accepted it reflexively, slender now without her heavy outer coat. She was, he saw, almost as tall as he; in heels she would be, if not taller. Her nose was odd. It ended in a near ball, not quite humorously but ratherearthy, he decided. As if it ties her to the soil; it made him think of Anglo-Saxon and Norman peasants tilling their square, small fields.
No wonder she hated it on Mars; historically her people undoubtedly had loved the authentic ground of Terra, the smell and actual texture, and above all the memory it contained, the remnants in trans.m.u.ted form, of the host of critters who had walked about and then at last dropped dead, in the end perished and turned back not to dustbut to rich humus. Well, she could start a garden here on Mars; maybe she could make one grow where previous hovelists had pointedly failed. How strange that she was so absolutely depressed. Was this normal for new arrivals? Somehow he himself did not feel it. Perhaps on some deep level he imagined he would find his way back to Terra. In which case it was he who was deranged. Not Anne.
Anne said suddenly, I have some Can-D, Barney. She reached into the pockets of her UN-issue canvas workslacks, groped, and brought a small packet out. I bought it a little while ago, in my own hovel. Flax Back Spit, as they call it. The hovelist who sold it to me believed that Chew-Z would make it worthless so he gave me a good price. I tried to take itI practically had it in my mouth. But finally like you I couldnt. Isnt a miserable reality better than the most interesting illusion? Or is it illusion, Barney? I dont know anything about philosophy; you explain it to me because all I know is religious faith and that doesnt equip me to understand this. These translation drugs. All at once she opened the packet; her fingers squirmed desperately. I cant go on, Barney.
Wait, he said, putting his own cup down and starting toward her. But it was too late; she had already taken the Can-D. None for me? he asked, a little amused. Youre missing the whole point; you wont have anyone to be with, in translation. Taking her by the arm he led her from the compartment, tugging her hurriedly out into the corridor and across into the large communal room where the others lay; seating her among them, he said, with compa.s.sion, At least this way itll be a shared experience and I understand that helps.
Thank you, she said drowsily. Her eyes shut and her body became, by degrees, limp.
Now, he realized, shes Perky Pat. In a world without trouble.
Bending, he kissed her on the mouth.
Im still awake, she murmured.
But you wont remember anyhow, he said.
Oh yes I will, Anne Hawthorne said faintly. And then she departed; he felt her go. He was alone with seven uninhabited physical sh.e.l.ls and he at once made his way back to his own quarters where the two cups of hot coffee steamed.
I could fall in love with that girl, he said to himself. Not like Roni Fugate or even like Emily but something new. Better? he wondered. Or is this desperation? Exactly what I saw Anne do just now with the Can-D, gulp it down because there is nothing else, only darkness. It is this or the void. And not for a day or a week butforever. So Ive got to fall in love with her.
By himself he sat surrounded by his partly unpacked belongings, drinking coffee and meditating until at last he heard groanings and stirrings in the communal room. His fellow hovelists were returning to consciousness. He put his cup down and walked out to join them.
Whyd you back out, Mayerson? Norm Schein said; he rubbed his forehead, scowling. G.o.d, what a headache Ive got. He noticed Anne Hawthorne, then; still unconscious, she lay with her back against the wall, her head dropped forward. Whos she?
Fran, rising to her feet unsteadily, said, She joined us at the end; shes a pal of Mayersons: he met her on the flight. Shes quite nice but shes a religious nut; youll see. Critically, she eyed Anne. Not too bad looking. I was really curious to see her; I imagined her as more, well, austere.
Coming up to Barney, Sam Regan said, Get her to join you, Mayerson; wed be glad to vote to admit her, here. Weve got lots of room and you should have a shall we saywife. He, too, scrutinized Anne. Yeah, he said. Pretty. Nice long black hair; I like that.
You do, do you, Mary Regan said tartly to him.
Yeah I do; so what? Sam Regan glared back at his wife.
Barney said, Shes spoken for.
They all eyed him curiously.
Thats odd, Helen Morris said. Because when we were together with her just now she didnt tell us that, and as far as we could make out you and she had only Interrupting, Fran Schein said to Barney, You dont want a Neo-Christian nut to live with you. Weve had experience with that; we ejected a couple of them last year. They can cause terrible trouble here on Mars. Remember, we shared her mind shes a dedicated member of some high church or other, with all the sacraments and the rituals, all that old outdated junk; she actually believes in it.
Barney said tightly, I know.
In an easy-going way Tod Morris said, Thats true, Mayerson; honest. We have to live too close together to import any kind of ideological fanaticism from Terra. Its happened at other hovels; we know what were talking about. It has to be live and let live, with no absolutist creeds and dogma; a hovel is just too small. He lit a cigarette and glanced down at Anne Hawthorne. Strange that a pretty girl would pick that stuff up. Well, it takes all kinds. He looked puzzled.
Did she seem to enjoy being translated? Barney asked Helen Morris.
Yes, to a certain extent. Of course it upset her the first time you have to expect that; she didnt know how to cooperate in handling the body. But she was quite eager to learn. Now obviously shes got it all to herself so its easier on her. This is good practice.
Bending down, Barney Mayerson picked up the small doll, Perky Pat in her yellow shorts and red-striped cotton t-shirt and sandals. This now was Anne Hawthorne, he realized. In a sense that no one quite understood. And yet he could destroy the doll, crush it, and Anne, in her synthetic fantasy life, would be unaffected.
Id like to marry her, he said aloud, suddenly.
Who? Tod asked. Perky Pat or the new girl?
He means Perky Pat, Norm Schein said, and snickered.
No he doesnt, Helen said severely. And I think its fine; now we can be four couples instead of three couples and one man, one odd man.
Is there any way, Barney said, to get drunk around here?
Sure, Norm said. Weve got liquorits dull ersatz gin, but its eighty proof; itll do the job.
Let me have some, Barney said, reaching for his wallet.
Its free. The UN supply ships drop it in vats. Norm went to a locked cupboard, produced a key, and opened it.
Sam Regan said, Tell us, Mayerson, why you feel the need to get drunk. Is it us? The hovel? Mars itself?
No. It was none of those; it had to do with Anne and the disintegration of her ident.i.ty. Her use of Can-D all at once, a symptom of her inability to believe or to cope, her giving up. It was an omen, in which he, too, was involved; he saw himself in what had happened.
If he could help her perhaps he could help himself. And if not He had an intuition that otherwise they were both finished. Mars, for both himself and Anne, would mean death. And probably soon .
NINE.
After she emerged from the experience of translation Anne Hawthorne was taciturn and moody. It was not a good sign; he guessed that she, too, now had a premonition similar to his. However, she said nothing about it; she merely went at once to get her bulky outer suit from his compartment.
I have to get back to Flax Back Spit, she explained. Thank you for letting me use your layout, she said to the hovelists who stood here and there, watching her as she dressed. Im sorry, Barney. She hung her head. It was unkind to leave you the way I did.
He accompanied her, on foot, across the flat, nocturnal sands to her own hovel; neither of them spoke as they plodded along, keeping their eyes open, as they had been told to, for a local predator, a jackal-like telepathic Martian life form. However, they saw nothing.
How was it? he asked her at last.
You mean being that little bra.s.sy blonde-haired doll with all her d.a.m.n clothes and her boyfriend and her car and her Anne, beside him, shuddered. Awful. Well, thats not it. Justpointless. I found nothing there. It was like going back to my teens.
Yeah, he agreed. There was that about Perky Pat.
Barney, she said quietly, I have to find something else and soon. Can you help me? You seem smart and grown-up and experienced. Being translated is not going to help me Chew-Z wont be any better because something in me rebels, wont take itsee? Yes, you see; I can tell. h.e.l.l, you wouldnt even try it once , so you must understand. She squeezed his arm, and clung tightly to him in the darkness. I know something else, Barney. Theyre tired of it, too ; all they did was bicker while they wewere inside those dolls. They didnt enjoy it for a second, even.
Gosh, he said.
Flashing her lantern ahead, Anne said, Its a shame; I wish they did. I feel sorrier for them than I do for She ceased, walked on for a time in silence, and then abruptly said, Ive changed, Barney. I feel it in myself. I want to sit down herewherever we are. You and I alone in the dark. And then you know what I dont have to say, do I?
No, he admitted. But the thing is, youd regret it afterward. I would, too, because of your reaction.
Maybe Ill pray, Anne said. Praying is hard to do; you have to know how. You dont pray for yourself; you pray what we call an intercessive prayer: for others. And what you pray to isnt the G.o.d Whos in the heavens out there somewhere its to the Holy Spirit within; thats different, thats the Paraclete. Did you ever read Paul?
Paul who?
In the New Testament. His letters to for instance the Corinthians or the Romans you know. Paul says our enemy is death; its the final enemy we overcome, so I guess its the greatest. Were all blighted, according to Paul, not just our bodies but our souls, too; both have to die and then we can be born again, with new bodies not of flesh but incorruptible. See? You know, when I was Perky Pat, just now I had the oddest feeling that I wasits wrong to say this or believe it, but But, Barney finished for her, it seemed like a taste of that. But you expected it, though; you knew the resemblanceyou mentioned it yourself, on the ship. A lot of people, he reflected, had noticed it, too.
Yes, Anne admitted. But what I didnt realize is In the darkness she turned toward him; he could just barely make her out. Being translated is the only hint we can have of it this side of death. So its a temptation. If it wasnt for that dreadful doll, that Perky Pat Chew-Z, Barney said.
Thats what I was thinking. If it was like that, like what Paul says about the corruptible man putting on incorruptionI couldnt stop myself, Barney; Id have to chew Chew-Z. I wouldnt be able to wait until the end of my life it might be fifty years living here on Marshalf a century! She shuddered. Why wait when I could have it now?
The last person I talked to, Barney said, who had taken Chew-Z, said it was the worst experience of his life.
That startled her. In what way?
He fell into the domain of someone or something he considered absolutely evil, someone he was terrified of. And he was luckyand he knew itto get away again.
Barney, she said, why are you on Mars? Dont say its because of the draft; a person as smart as you could have gone to a psychiatrist Im on Mars, he said, because I made a mistake. In your terminology , he reflected, it would be called a sin . And in my terminology, too, he decided.
Anne said, You hurt someone, didnt you?
He shrugged.
So now for the rest of your life youre here, Anne said. Barney, can you get me a supply of Chew-Z?
Pretty soon. It would not be long before he ran into one of Palmer Eldritchs pushers; he was certain of that. Putting his hand on her shoulder he said, But you can get it for yourself just as easily.
She leaned against him as they walked, and he hugged her; she did not resistin fact she sighed with relief. Barney, I have something to show you. A leaflet that one of the people in my hovel gave me; she said a whole bundle had been dropped the other day. Its from the Chew-Z people. Reaching into her bulky coat she rummaged about, then; in the glare of the lantern he saw the folded paper. Read it. Youll understand why I feel as I do about Chew-Z why its such a spiritual problem for me.
Holding the paper to the light he read the top line; it blazed out in huge black letters.
G.o.d PROMISES ETERNAL LIFE. WE CAN DELIVER IT.
See? Anne said.
I see. He did not even bother to read the rest; folding the paper back up he returned it to her, feeling heavyhearted. Quite a slogan.
A true one.
Not the big lie, Barney said, but instead the big truth. Which , he wondered, is worse? Hard to tell. Ideally, Palmer Eldritch would drop dead for the blasphemia shouted by the pamphlet, but evidently that was not going to occur. An evil visitor oozing over us from the Prox system, he said to himself, offering us what weve prayed for over a period of two thousand years. And why is this so palpably bad? Hard to say, but nevertheless it is. Because maybe itll mean bondage to Eldritch, such as Leo experienced; Eldritch will be with us constantly from now on, infiltrating our lives. And He who has protected us in the past simply sits pa.s.sive.
Each time were translated, he thought, well seenot G.o.dbut Palmer Eldritch.
Aloud he said, If Chew-Z fails you Dont say that.
If Palmer Eldritch fails you, then maybe He stopped. Because ahead of them lay the hovel Flax Back Spit; its entrance light glowed dimly in the Martian gloom. Youre home. He did not like to let her go; his hand on her shoulder, he clung to her, thinking back to what he had said to his fellow hovelists about her. Come back with me, he said. To Chicken Pox Prospects. Well get formally, legally married.
She stared at him and then incrediblyshe began to laugh.
Does that mean no? he asked, woodenly.
What, Anne said, is Chicken Pox Prospects? Oh, I see; thats the code name of your hovel. Im sorry, Barney; I didnt mean to laugh. But the answer of course is no. She moved away from him, and opened the outer door of the hovels entrance-chamber. And then she set down her lantern and stepped toward him, arms held out. Make love to me, she said.
Not here. Too close to the entrance. He was afraid.
Wherever you want. Take me there. She put her arms around his neck. Now, she said. Dont wait.
He didnt.
Picking her up in his arms, he carried her away from the entrance.
Golly, she said, when he laid her down in the darkness; she gasped, presently, perhaps from the sudden cold that spilled over them, penetrating their heavy suits which no longer served, which in fact were a hindrance to true warmth.
One of the laws of thermal dynamics, he thought. The exchange of heat; molecules pa.s.sing between us, hers and mine mingling inentropy? Not yet, he thought.
Oh my, she said, in the darkness.
I hurt you?
No. Im sorry. Please.
The cold numbed his back, his ears; it radiated down from the sky. He ignored it as best he could, but he thought of a blanket, a thick wool layerstrange, to be preoccupied with that at such a time. He dreamed of its softness, the scratch of its fibers against his skin, its heaviness. Instead of the brittle, frigid, thin air which made him pant in huge gulps, as if finished.
Areyou dying? she asked.
Just cant breathe. This air.
Poor, poorgood lord. Ive forgotten your name.
h.e.l.l of a thing.
Barney!
He clutched her.
No! Dont stop! She arched her back. Her teeth chattered.
I wasnt going to, he said.
Oooaugh!
He laughed.
Dont please laugh at me.
Not meant unkindly.
A long silence, then. Then, Oof. She leaped, galvanized as if lost to the shock of a formal experiment. His pale, dignified, unclothed possession: become a tall and very thin greenless nervous system of a frog; probed to life by outside means. Victim of a current not her own but not protested, in any way. Lucid and real, accepting. Ready this long time.
You all right?