So she pushed it away from her, and so there came one morning a letter from her father.
"Drusilla went over on the same boat. It was a surprising thing to find her there. Since I landed, I haven"t seen her. But I met Captain Hewes in Paris, and he was looking for her.
"I had never known how fine she was until those days on the boat. It was wonderful on the nights when everything was darkened and we were feeling our way through the danger zone, to have her sing for us. I believe we should all have gone to the bottom singing with her if a submarine had sunk us.
"I am finding myself busier than I have ever been before, finding myself, indeed, facing the most stupendous thing in the world. It isn"t the wounded men or the dead men or the heart-breaking aspect of the refugees that gets me, it is the sight of the devastated country--made barren and blackened into h.e.l.l not by devils, but by those who have called themselves men. When I think of our own country, ready soon to bud and bloom with the spring, and of this country where spring will come and go, oh, many springs, before there will be bud and bloom, I am overwhelmed by the tragic contrast. How can we laugh over there when they are crying here? Perhaps more than anything else, the difference in conditions was brought home to me as I motored the other day through a country where there was absolutely no sign of life, not a tree or a bird--except those war birds, the aeroplanes, hovering above the horizon.
"Well, as we stopped our car for some slight repairs, there rose up from a deserted trench, a lean cat with a kitten in her mouth. Oh, such a starved old cat, Jean, gray and war-worn. And her kitten was little and blind, and when she had laid it at our feet, she went back and got another. Then she stood over them, mewing, her eyes big and hungry. But she was not afraid of us, or if she was afraid, she stood her ground, asking help for those helpless babies.
"Jean, I thought of Polly Ann. Of all the petted Polly Anns in America, and then of this starved old thing, and they seemed so typical. You are playing the glad game over there, and it is easy to play it with enough to eat and plenty to wear, and away from the horror of it all. But how could that old p.u.s.s.y-cat be glad, how could she be anything but frightened and hungry and begging my help?
"Well, we took her in. We had some food with us, and we gave her all she could eat, and then she curled up on a pile of bags in the bottom of the car, and lay there with her kittens, as happy as if we were not going lickety-split over the sh.e.l.l-torn s.p.a.ces.
"And that your tender heart may be at rest, I may as well tell you that she and the kittens are living in great content in a country house where one of the officers who was in the car with us is installed. We have named her Dolores, but it is ceasing to be appropriate. She is no longer sad, and while she is on somewhat slim fare like the rest of us, she is a great hunter and catches mice in the barn, so that she is growing strong and smooth, and she is not, perhaps, to be pitied as much as Polly Ann on her pink cushion.
"And here I am writing about cats, while the only thing that is really in my heart is--You.
"Ever since the moment I left you, I have carried with me the vision of you in your wedding gown--my dear, my dear. Perhaps it is just as well that I left when I did, for I am most inordinately jealous of Derry, not only because he has you, but because he has love and life before him, while I, already, am looking back.
"My work here is, as you would say, "wonderful." How I should like to hear you say it! There are things which in all my years of practice, I have never met before. How could I meet them? It has taken this generation of doctors to wrestle with the problem of treating men tortured by gas, and with nerves shaken by sights and sounds without parallel in the history of the world.
"But I am not going to tell you of it. I would rather tell you how much I love you and miss you, and how glad I am that you are not here to see it all. Yet I would have all Americans think of those who are here, and I would have you help until it--hurts. You must know, my Jean, how moved I am by it, when I ask you, whom I have always shielded, to give help until it hurts--
"I have had a letter from Hilda. She wants to come over. I haven"t answered the letter. But when I do, I shall tell her that there may be something that she can do, but it will not be with me. I need women who can see the pathos of such things as that starved cat and kittens out there among the sh.e.l.l-holes, and Hilda would never have seen it.
She would have left the cat to starve."
Jean found herself crying over the letter. "I am not helping at all, Derry."
"My dear, you are."
"I am not. I am just sitting on a pink cushion, like Polly Ann---"
It was the first flash he had seen for days of her girlish petulance.
He smiled. "That sounds like the Jean of yesterday."
"Did you like the Jean of yesterday better than the Jean of to-day?"
"There is only one Jean for me--yesterday, today and forever."
She stood a little away from him. "Derry, I"ve been thinking and thinking--"
He put a finger under her chin and turned her face up to him. "What have you been thinking, Jean-Joan?"
"That you must go--and I will take care of your father."
"You?"
"Yes. Why not, Derry?"
"I won"t have you sacrificed."
"But you want me to be brave."
"Yes. But not burdened. I won"t have it, my dear."
"But--you promised your mother. I am sure she would be glad to let me keep your promise."
She was brave now. Braver than he knew.
"I can"t see it," he said, fiercely. "I can see myself leaving you with Emily, in your own house--to live your own life. But not to sit in Dad"s room, day after day, sacrificing your youth as I sacrificed my childhood and boyhood--my manhood--. I am over thirty, Jean, and I have always been treated like a boy. It isn"t right, Jean; our lives are our own, not his."
"It is right. n.o.body"s life seems to be his own in these days. And you must go--and I can"t leave him. He is so old, and helpless, Derry, like the poor p.u.s.s.y-cat over there in France. His eyes are like that--hungry, and they beg--. And oh, Derry, I mustn"t be like Polly Ann, on a pink cushion--."
She tried to laugh and broke down. He caught her up in his arms.
Light as thistledown, young and lovely!
She sobbed on his heart, but she held to her high resolve. He must go--and she would stay. And at last he gave in.
He had loved her dearly, but he had not looked for this, that she would give herself to hardness for the sake of another. For the first time he saw in his little wife something of the heroic quality which had seemed to set his mother apart and above, as it were, all other women.
BOOK THREE
The Bugle Calls
The wooden trumpeters that were carved on the door blew with all their might, so that their cheeks were much larger than before. Yes, they blew "Trutter-a-trutt--trutter-a-trutt--" ...
CHAPTER XXIII
THE EMPTY HOUSE
Jean"s world was no longer wonderful--not in the sense that it had once been, with all the glamour of girlish dreams and of youthful visions.
She had never thought of life as a thing like this in the days when she had danced down to the confectioner"s, intent on good times.
But now, with her father away, with Derry away, with the city frozen and white, and with not enough coal to go around, with many of the rooms in the house shut that fuel might be conserved, with Margaret and the children and Nurse installed as guests at the General"s until the weather grew warmer, with Emily transforming her Toy Shop into a surgical dressings station, and with her father-in-law turning over to her incredible amounts of money for the Red Cross and Liberty Bonds and War Stamps, life began to take on new aspects of responsibility and seriousness.
She could never have kept her balance in the midst of it all, if Derry had not written every day. Her father wrote every day, also, but there were long intervals between his letters, and then they were apt to arrive all at once, a great packet of them, to be read and re-read and pa.s.sed around.
But Derry"s letters, brought to her room every morning by Bronson, contained the elixir which sent her to her day"s work with shining eyes and flushed cheeks. Sometimes she read bits of them to Bronson.