I think I mentioned that he wore a soft white collar, pinned and tied with exquisite neatness. A moment later he wore it no longer. Without troubling about pin, studs or b.u.t.tons, with a swift movement he had ripped the collar, tie and half the shirt-band from his neck, and showed, of an angry and recent purply-red, vivid on his magnificent throat, two curved marks like these brackets--().
Now I am not more squeamish than most men. I am far from having lived the whole of my life in cotton-wool. But it needed no course in medical jurisprudence to tell me what those marks were--the marks of teeth, and of a woman"s teeth. I was deeply wounded. Rose"s amus.e.m.e.nts in this sort were no affair of mine, and I strongly resented this humiliation both of himself and of me.
But his hand gripped my arm like a vice. Suddenly I saw a quite new pair in his grey-blue eyes. It was a swift fear lest, instead of helping him, I should turn against him.
"Good G.o.d, man!" he cried in a high voice. "Don"t think _that_! Don"t think I"m such a cur as to--oh, my G.o.d, _that_ isn"t the point! I"m not bragging about my conquests!... The point is that _these marks are ten years old and they weren"t there last night_!"
I tried to free myself from his grip, but he wouldn"t let me go. He ran agitatedly on, repeating himself over and over again.
"There isn"t much imagination about _that_, is there? _That_ isn"t fancy, is it? _That_ doesn"t happen to any man any day, does it? A man would be likely to remember _that_, wouldn"t he? He wouldn"t forget it, if it was only for the shame of it! Is _that_ just ordinary memory? And how would you feel when everything was healed over and forgotten, and you"d settled decently down, and hoped everything was forgiven you--and then you were to be dragged back over the ploughshares like that! I tell you you"ve got to see it all crowding back on you again, before you realise that forgetting"s the greatest happiness in life!... I tell you on my word of honour that that happened ten years ago, when I was thirty-five before, and that it wasn"t there last night! _Now_ tell me I"m drunk or dreaming!"
Stupefied I stared at him. The issue was plain. Either he was telling the truth, or he was not. Either those marks were as recent as they looked or as old as he said. He was to be believed or disbelieved. There was no middle way.
And my heart sank like a stone in my breast as suddenly I found myself believing him. He saw that I did, and fumblingly sought to fasten the collar again. But he had torn both b.u.t.tonhole and band, and could only cover up those shameful marks by turning up the collar of his dark blue jacket. He sat with his collar turned up for the rest of our talk.
Presently I felt a little more master of myself. I had moved over to the sofa and was sitting by his side. He, this youthful Hercules of forty-five, who wrote books and made you think of boats and horses, was weeping softly. He was weeping for misery and hate of what, apparently, he must go through again. Stupidly my eyes rested on the carefully lettered and numbered shelves of books, and then on the slovenly litter of the table. The electric light gave the merest flicker--they were doing something at the power-station--and then burned quietly on. It shone on the black oak furniture and the saddlebag chairs, on our two hats on the table, on the neatly curtained recess where the hats should have been. It was impossible not to see that in its contrast of orderliness and disorder the very room showed two sharp and distinct phases. Almost with voices the inanimate things seemed to cry it aloud.
The man who had catalogued those bays of books had been the author of _The Hands of Esau_. He who now threw everything down on to that disgraceful table was he who had written _An Ape in h.e.l.l_.
He still wept quietly. I put my hand on his knee.
"All right, Derry," I said. "Try to pull yourself together. You say you can"t begin at the beginning. Very well, begin anywhere you like. I dare say something can be done. It may turn out to be--oh, sh.e.l.lshock or something."
But already my heart told me that it would turn out to be nothing of the kind.
IV
I am not going to direct your attention specially to the more fantastic part of what Derwent Rose told me in his rooms that night. I have found no issue in that direction. Neither am I going into the metaphysics of the thing; I know no more about that than he ever knew himself. But if you care to read, in reverse, the progress of a man out of the sad shadows of middle-age back into the light and beauty and belief that once were his--always the same man, undeviating from the lines laid down by his own nature, re-approaching each phase as he had formerly approached it, but in times and circ.u.mstances so complex and altered that nothing in the pilgrimage was constant but himself--if, I say, you care to read that extraordinary intertwining of what he had done and what he re-did, and are content with this, and will not pull me up every time the mystery of the deeper cause confounds us both, then I am content too and we can go ahead.
It had been going on (he told me) for six months past; but at the outset I ought to warn you that he had two scales of time. Here I wish that we were all mathematicians, and that I could write and you could read his wondrous history in symbolised concepts. However, we will do the best we can with words.
Broadly speaking, he went backwards, not at a uniform rate, but in a series of irregular and unequal slips. That is to say, that though in six months or so of actual time he had retrograded the ten years between forty-five and thirty-five, it did not follow that he had gone back five years in three months or two and a half in any given six weeks. I went carefully into this point with him. I asked him, if the ratio was not a steady twenty to one (or a hundred and twenty months of experienced time as against six by the clock) what he estimated it at for shorter periods of either. But to this he could give no clear answer. Being unable to fix the precise turning-point, and hardly knowing when the indications in himself had begun (since at first he had put the whole thing aside as an absurdity), he had no datum. He had only become fully awake to the phenomenon when it had not been possible to disregard it any longer.
"Well, as we"ve got to a.s.sume something let"s a.s.sume that," I said.
"When was it that you first had no doubt at all?"
This he did more or less remember. I give his account in his own words.
"It was about two months ago," he said. "I"d no book on hand. I don"t mind admitting that I"d never felt so stale and empty and sick of everything I"d ever done. In fact I"d got to the point you noticed this afternoon."
"What point was that? Don"t let"s take anything for granted."
"When you rubbed me up about that first novel. I"d got to the point of hardly seeing any difference worth mentioning between the worst stuff and the best, Shakespeare included. Do you mind if I go into that rather in detail?"
"Do."
"Here, I thought, is this creature man, this fellow called George Coverham or Derwent Rose, brought naked into a world that marvellously doesn"t care a rap about him--but that he"s got to contrive to make some sort of an interpretation of, because it"s where he"s got to live. He hasn"t got too long to live there either--a strictly limited time--so that there"s just him and this wonderful uncaring universe for it. This and nothing else is what happens every time a human being"s brought into the world. All this procreation and child-bearing are just for that--so that somebody can make head or tail of the world.... Well, what do they do to him? By and by they send him to school. That"s the first step towards taking him away from this universe he"s trying to make something of and telling him instead what some other naked being before him thought about it all. That"s all right as far as it goes. Just once in a while, I suppose, two heads may be better than one. But"--he paused for emphasis--"when a third begins to repeat what a second has already repeated, and a fourth a third, and so on, by and by the universe begins to drop right away into the background. The process goes on--it has gone on--till not one in ten million dreams there"s a universe at all. You know what I mean--all talk about talk about talk about it. So, if you"ve any sense of proportion at all, where does the difference between one book and another come in?"
"Well--that"s the state of mind you were in," I observed. Goodness knows I wasn"t trying to shut him up. If it did him good to talk I would gladly have listened to him all night. As for sharing these Olympian views of his, however, I have never had either the strength or the audacity. It is because of my own indefatigability in talking about talk about talk that they made me a Knight.
"I was only trying to explain how I felt," he answered apologetically.
"Let"s start again. It was two months ago within a few days, and I know it was a Monday morning, because Mrs Hyems doesn"t come up on Sundays, and she brought a parcel that had been overlooked from Sat.u.r.day night.
It was half-past eight, and I was in there shaving"--he nodded in the direction of his bedroom. "She wanted to call my attention to the parcel because it was registered."
"Is this just to fix the date, or has the parcel anything to do with it?"
"Both. I"m coming to the parcel in a minute. Well, as I was saying, I was just about fed up with things in general. Books in particular. Nice state of mind for an author with his living to earn to begin the week in! I remember stopping shaving to have a good hard look at myself. I remember saying to myself in the gla.s.s, "You"re young, you"re a perfect miracle of youth; you"ve got quite a good brain as brains go; and yet instead of getting out of doors and living every minute of one of G.o.d"s good days you"ll sit down there, and make scratches on bits of paper that have got to be just like the scratches everybody else makes or you won"t sell "em; isn"t there something wrong somewhere?" I asked myself that in the gla.s.s. And mind you, I was feeling extraordinarily fit physically. That"s important. I"d felt like that for days past. Who wants to work when he feels like that?"
I sighed a little. Even I, with my modic.u.m of health, have occasionally felt too fit to work.
"So I finished dressing and came in here to breakfast, and I was half-way through breakfast when that book caught my eye."
"What book?"
"The parcel I spoke of. It was a book. As a matter of fact it was Mrs Ba.s.sett"s book, _The Parthian Arrow_."
I glanced at him. "Registered?"
"Yes. You mean one doesn"t usually register a common or garden novel unless you want there to be no mistake about the person getting it?"
"Go on."
"So I opened it there and then and began to read it. I read it at a single sitting. Then I tore it in two. Wait a bit, I"ll show you. Pa.s.s me a book, any one. They"re all the same."
I pa.s.sed him a book from the untidy table, an ordinary two-inch-thick octavo volume in a cloth binding. Now read carefully. He didn"t even change his position on the sofa. Using his knees only as a support, with his hands he tore the back into halves. Let me say it again. I don"t mean he tore it lengthwise along the st.i.tching. He didn"t separate the pages into dozens or scores, nor bend or break it. He just tore it across as I might have torn a postcard. I can still see the creeping and fanning of the leaves under the dreadful pressure of his hands, the soft whity-grey fur of paper as the gap widened relentlessly before my eyes, hear the slightly harsher sound of the rending cloth and the little "zip" at the end.
Then he tossed the two halves on to the table again.
"I used to do a bit of that sort of thing years ago," he remarked, without even a quickening of his breath. "Half-crowns and packs of cards, you know. But I"d had to drop it. Your muscles have changed by the time you"re forty-five. I"d tried to tear a pack of cards not long before, but I could only make a mess of them and had to give it up."
I found not a word to say. As much as the feat itself the terrifying ease with which he had done it made me gape.
"Yes, my strength came on me like Samson"s that morning," he continued.
"I was scared of it myself. I didn"t know what was happening, you see.
I"m simply trying to tell you the first time I knew there was no mistake about it."
I found my voice.
"But why did you tear the book? I--I hope you weren"t looking for the author this afternoon to tear her too!" I laughed nervously.
He turned earnest eyes on me.
"I swear I never meant her, George--in that accursed _Ape_ book of mine, I mean. Of course she must have thought I did, and--and--well, to be perfectly honest, I"m not quite sure she didn"t start me on the idea.
You"ve got to start somewhere. But I went over it a dozen times afterwards. _Am_ I the man to take it out of a woman in print?" he appealed piteously.
He was not, and I tried to rea.s.sure him; but he broke in anew.
"Why, I"d forgotten all about her before I"d written a couple of chapters! You"re a novelist; you understand. If only she"d.... But I suppose I left something in--some d.a.m.nable wounding oversight--but I can"t find it even yet"--he glared round the room as if in search of a copy of his own book to submit to cross-examination all over again.