"She"s waiting for you," I said. "Down at the bottom of the drive."
John glanced, uncertainly, at the window.
"That was the sound we heard," I said. "She described you or someone like you. Called you w.i.l.l.y, Will, William. But I knew it was you."
John mused. "Young, you say, and beautiful, and out there right this moment... ?"
"The most beautiful woman I"ve ever seen."
"Not carrying a knife-?"
"Unarmed."
John exhaled. "Well, then, I think I should just go out there and have a chat with her, eh, don"t you think?"
"She"s waiting."
He moved toward the front door.
"Put on your coat, it"s a cold night," I said.
He was putting on his coat when we heard the sound from outside, very clear, this time. The wail and then the sob and then the wail.
"G.o.d," said John, his hand on the doork.n.o.b, not wanting to show the white feather in front of me. "She"s really there."
He forced himself to turn the k.n.o.b and open the door. The wind sighed in, bringing another faint wail with it John stood in the cold weather, peering down that long walk into the dark.
"Wait!" I cried, at the last moment.
John waited.
"There"s one thing I haven"t told you," I said. "She"s out there, all right. And she"s walking. But... she"s dead."
"I"m not afraid," said John. "No," I said, "but I am. You"ll never come back.
Much as I hate you right now, I can"t let you go. Shut the door, John."
The sob again, and then the wail.
"Shut the door."
I reached over to knock his hand off the bra.s.s door k.n.o.b, but he held tight, c.o.c.ked his head, looked at me and sighed. "You"re really good, kid. Almost as good as me. I"m putting you in my next film. You"ll be a star." Then he turned, stepped out into the cold night, and shut the door, quietly.
I waited until I heard his steps on the gravel path, then locked the door, and hurried through the house, putting out the lights. As I pa.s.sed through the library, the wind mourned down the chimney and scattered the dark ashes of the London Times Times across the hearth. across the hearth.
I stood blinking at the ashes for a long moment, then shook myself, ran upstairs two at a time, banged open my tower room door, slammed it, undressed, and was in bed with the covers over my head when a town clock, far away, sounded one in the deep morning.
And my room was so high, so lost in the house and the sky, that no matter who or what tapped or knocked or banged at the door below, whispering and then begging and then screaming- Who could possibly hear?
Promises, Promises
When she opened the door to her apartment, she could see that he had been crying. The tears had just finished rolling down his cheeks and he had not bothered to brush them away.
"Tom, for G.o.d"s sake, what"s happened? Come in!"
She pulled at him. He seemed not to feel her pulling, but at last looked down, saw that it might be a good idea, and stepped in. He looked around at her apartment as if she had changed the furniture and done over all the walls.
"I"m sorry to bother you," he said. "Bother, h.e.l.l." She steered him across the room. "Sit down. You look awful. Let me get you a drink."
"That would be nice, sitting down before I fell down," he said, vaguely. "Having a drink. I don"t remember if I"ve had any food today. Maybe."
She brought him some brandy, poured it, glanced at his face, poured some more. "lake it easy. Make it last." She watched him gulp it down. "What happened?"
"It"s Beth," he gasped, eyes shut, the tears running. "... and you."
"Tb h.e.l.l with me, what about Beth?"
"She fell and hit her head. She"s been in the hospital for two days, unconscious."
"Oh, my G.o.d " She moved swiftly to kneel and put her arms around him as if he might fell. "Why didn"t you call call me?" me?"
"I did, but I was at the hospital with Clara, and every time I called you, no answer. The rest of the time, Clara was so near, if she heard me talking to you-G.o.d-it"s bad enough having a daughter you feel might... at any moment... anyway I tried, and here I am."
"Lord, no wonder you look so bad. Beth, now. She isn"t...? She didn"t...?"
"No, she didn"t die. Thank G.o.d, oh, thank G.o.d!"
And he wept openly now, holding the empty brandy gla.s.s and letting his tears drop and melt into his coat-front. She sank back on her knees and wept, too, holding tight to his hand.
"Jesus," she said softly, "Jesus."
"If you knew how often I"ve said that name on this weekend. I"ve never been religious, but all of a sudden, anything, I thought, anything I can say, do, pray, anything. I"ve never cried so much in my life. I"ve never prayed so hard."
He had to stop talking, as a fresh burst of grief shook his shoulders. When he quieted down, he managed to find and speak the rest in a whisper: "She"s all right, okay, she came out of it just two hours ago. Sh.e.l.l recover, the doctor is sure. The doctor says. If he gave me a bill for a million dollars right now, I"d spend the rest of my life paying it, she"s worth all that."
"I know she is. Daughters always are, or most are, for their fathers."
He sank back in the chair, and she remained crouched by his knees, waiting for him to get his breath. At last, she said: "How did it happen?"
"One of those stupid things. She put up a flimsy stepladder in the closet to reach some Christmas ornaments. The d.a.m.n thing broke, she fell and hit her head, hard. We didn"t know. We were in another part of the house. We"ve always respected her privacy. But after an hour, when her door stayed shut and we heard nothing, my wife, for some reason, just went in. All of a sudden, she was yelling. I ran, and there was Beth on the floor, lots of blood, she had struck her head on the edge of a bookcase. I almost fell, getting to her. I tried to pick her up, but suddenly I was so weak I couldn"t even move myself, my G.o.d, she felt dead, loose, the way dead people are. I couldn"t feel her pulse, my own was so loud. I somehow found the phone but couldn"t make my fingers work the dial. Clara took the phone away from me and dialed the paramedics. When she got them, I grabbed the phone back, but couldn"t speak, Clara had to tell them- Jesus, I almost cost Beth her We! I was paralyzed. What if I"d been alone? Would I have been able to talk? Would she have died? Without Clara, well, the paramedics were there in five minutes, G.o.d bless them, five instead of half an hour. They got Beth to the hospital. I rode along like an extra dead man in the ambulance. Clara followed with the car. At the hospital, they wouldn"t let us see Beth for an hour, they were fighting to save her. When the doctor came out, he said it was touch and go, fifty-fifty for the next day, two days. Think of it... waiting for two whole days, not knowing. We stayed at the hospital until two in the morning, when they made us go home, said they"d call if there was any change. We went home and cried all night. I don"t think we stopped for more than ten minutes at a time. Have you ever cried constantly for a full night, have you ever wanted to kill yourself you were so full of grief? G.o.d, we"re spoiled. This was the first real nightmare in all our lives. We"ve always been well, no sickness, no accidents, no deaths. Listen to me! I can"t stop talking. G.o.d, I"m tired, but I just had to come see you, Laura."
"She"s all right, really really all right?" said Laura. "She ought to be out and around in about three days, the doctor said." all right?" said Laura. "She ought to be out and around in about three days, the doctor said."
"Let me fill that." She refilled his gla.s.s and watched him drink it convulsively, as new tears gathered in her eyes. "I"ve seen your daughter only once, but she was, she is, a sweet girl. No wonder you-"
"No wonder." He shut his eyes, then opened them at last to look at his mistress. "Do you know what really saved her?"
"The paramedics-*"
"No."
"Your doctor-"
"Those all count. But we prayed. We prayed, Laura. And G.o.d answered. Something answered. But it happened. I"ve never believed in prayer. I do now."
He was staring at her intently. She had to look away at last, almost flinching. She twisted her fingers together and looked at them. Her face grew suddenly pale as if she had guessed at something, then put it aside behind her eyes. At last she took a deep breath, glanced quickly at him, and asked: "What?"
"Eh?" he said.
"What did you pray?" she asked.
"It," he said, "was not so much a prayer... as... a promise." Laura grew paler, waited, took a deep breath and asked: "What did you promise?"
He was not able to answer. Suddenly it was like not being able to dial the phone, then not being able to speak.
"Well?" said Laura.
"I promised G.o.d-"
"Yes?"
"That if he saved Beth-"
"That I"d give you up and go away and never see you again!"
It came out in a terrible sighing rush.
"What!?" She sat straight up on the floor, pushed herself back, and stared at him as if he were mad.
"You heard what I said," he replied, quietly.
She leaned forward almost convulsively and shouted at him: "How could you possibly possibly have promised G.o.d have promised G.o.d that that?"
"I had to, I did, it was the only thing I could think of." He slid down off the chair, and reaching the floor began to edge toward her, reaching out. "I was frantic, don"t you see? Frantic!"
She pushed herself back from him, to increase the s.p.a.ce between as he advanced. She looked at the window, the door, as if seeking escape and then said, almost as loud as before: "You know that I"m now a Catholic-"
"I know, I know."
"A new one. Do you see the position you"ve put me in?"
"I didn"t put you in a position, life did, my daughter"s accident did. I had to make the promise to save her! What"s wrong with you?"
"I"m in love with you, that"s that"s what"s wrong!" what"s wrong!"
She jumped up, wheeled about, then spun back to seize her own elbows and lean down at him.
"Don"t you see, you just can"t go around promising G.o.d things like that! You fool, you can"t take it back now!"
"I don"t want to take it back," he replied, looking up at her, stunned. "You-you can"t make me!"
"Tom, Tom," she explained, "I am deeply religious. Do you think for a moment I would demand such a thing of you? Christ, what a mess! A promise is a promise, you must keep it, but that puts me out in the cold. And if you broke that promise, I wouldn"t much like you any more for being a liar, a liar to my new G.o.d and my new faith. Good grief, you couldn"t have done a better, lousier job if you had planned it!"
Seated on the floor, he now had to push himself back, then wipe his cheeks with the back of one hand.
"You don"t think-?"
"No, no. After all, it was an accident, and she is your daughter. But you could have thought, taken time, considered, been more careful, what you said!"
"How can you be careful when you"re felling out of a twenty-story building and need a net?"
She stood over him, and her shoulders slumped as if he had shot her through the chest. She felt herself fell all the way down, even as he described it. If there was a net anywhere, he couldn"t share it. When she hit bottom and found herself still alive, she forced a few trembling words out: "Oh? Tom, Tom, you-"
"I"m crying over two things," he gasped. "My daughter, who almost died. And you, who might as well be dead. I tried to choose. For a wild moment I thought, there is a choice. But I knew G.o.d would see through any d.a.m.ned lie I tried to make up. You can"t just promise and pray and then forget it as soon as your daughter opens her eyes and smiles. I am so grateful now I could explode. I"m so sad about us, you and me, I"ll cry all week and my wife will think it"s just relief that Beth"s coming home."
"Shut up," Laura said, quietly.
"Why?"
"Because. The more you talk, the less I can find to answer you with. Stop driving me into a corner. Stop killing me in her place. Stop."
He could only sit, growing heavy and immovable, as she turned and went in blind search of a gla.s.s and something to put in it. It took her a long while to pour and then a longer while to remember to drink whatever it was. Faced away from him, she looked only at the wall and asked: "What did you say in your prayer?"
"I can"t remember."
"Yes, you can. My G.o.d in heaven, Tom, what did you say that was so d.a.m.ned irreversible!" He flushed and turned his face this way and that, not able to look at her.
"Do you mean the exact words-"
"The exact ones. I want to hear. I demand to hear. I deserve to hear. Say it."