MR. B. Pardon _me_--I was saying nothing of the sort. I was saying that I told the Manager I knew that was why he _thought_ I ordered it--a rather different thing! "You"re quite wrong," I said. "You may pay twopence-halfpenny a pound for it, and charge me half-a-crown, if you like, but I mean to _taste_ that tunny!" I was determined not to be done out of my tunny, Sir!
CULCH. (_breathlessly_). And what did the tunny--I mean the Manager--say to _that_?
MR. B. Oh, made more difficulties--it wasn"t to be got, and so on. At last I said to him (very quietly, but he saw I was in earnest), "Now I tell you what it _is_--I"m going to _have_ that tunny, and, if you refuse to give it me,--well, I shall just send my courier _out_ for it, that"s all!" So, with _that_, they brought me some--and anything more delicious I never tasted in all my life!
CULCH. (_to himself_). If I can only keep him on at this tunny!
(_Aloud._) And--er--what _does_ it taste like exactly, now?
MR. B. (_pregnantly._) You _order_ it, Sir--_insist_ on having it. Then you"ll _know_ what it tastes like! [_He devotes himself to his soup._
CULCH. (_with his eyes lowered--to himself._) I _must_ look up in another _minute_--and then! [_He shivers._
CHAPTER XV.
+Culchard comes out n.o.bly.+
SCENE--_The Table d"Hote at Lugano_; CULCHARD _has not yet caught_ MISS PRENDERGAST"S _eye_.
CULCHARD (_to_ MR. BELLERBY). Have you--ah--been up Monte Generoso yet?
MR. B. No. (_After reflecting._) No, I haven"t. But I was greatly struck by its remarkably bold outline from below. Indeed, I dashed off a rough sketch of it on the back of one of my visiting cards. I ought to have it somewhere about me now. (_Searching himself._) Ah, I thought so!
(_Handing a vague little scrawl to_ CULCHARD, _who examines it with the deepest interest_.) I knock off quite a number of these while I"m abroad like this. Send "em in letters to relatives at home--gives them a notion of the place. They are--ar--kind enough to value them. (CULCHARD _makes a complimentary mumble_.) Yes, I"m a very rapid sketcher. Put me with regular artists, and give us half an hour, and I--ar--venture to say I should be on terms with them. Make it _three_ hours, and--well, I dare say I shouldn"t be in it.
PODBURY (_who has dropped into the chair next to_ MISS PRENDERGAST _and her brother_). Bob, old chap, I"ll come in the middle, if you don"t mind. I say, this _is_ ripping--no idea of coming across you so soon as this. (_Lowering his voice, to_ MISS P.) Still pegging away at my "penance," you see!
MISS PREND. The pleasure is more than mutual; but do I understand that Mr.----? So _tiresome_, I left my gla.s.ses up in my room!
[_She peers up and down the line of faces on her own side of the table._
MISS T. (_to_ CULCH.). I want you should notice that girl. I think she looks just as nice as she can be, don"t you?
[Ill.u.s.tration: "I KNOCK OFF QUITE A NUMBER OF THESE WHILE I"M ABROAD LIKE THIS."]
CULCH. (_carefully looking in every other direction_).
I--er--mumble--mumble--don"t exactly----
[_Here a Waiter offers him a dish containing layers of soles disguised under brown sauce_; CULCHARD _mangles it with an ineffectual spoon. The Waiter, with pitying contempt_, "_Tut-tut-tut! Pesce, Signore--feesh!_"
CULCH. _eventually lands a sole in a very damaged condition_.
PODB. (_to_ MISS P.). No--not this side--just opposite. (_Here_ CULCH., _in fingering a siphon which is remarkably stiff on the trigger, contrives to send a spray across the table and sprinkle_ MISS PRENDERGAST, _her brother, and_ PODBURY, _with impartial liberality_).
_Now_ don"t you see him? As playful as ever, isn"t he! Don"t try to make out it was an accident, old fellow. Miss Prendergast knows you! [_Misery of_ CULCHARD.
MISS P. (_graciously_). Pray don"t apologize, Mr. Culchard; not the least harm done! You must forgive me for not recognizing you before, but you know of old how provokingly short-sighted I am, and I"ve forgotten my gla.s.ses.
CULCH. (_indistinctly_). I--er--not at all ... most distressed, I a.s.sure you ... really no notion----
MISS T. (_in an undertone_). Say, you _know_ her, then? And you never let on!
CULCH. Didn"t I? Oh, surely! yes, I"ve--er--_met_ that lady. (_With grateful deference to_ MR. BELLERBY, _who has just addressed him._) You are an Art-Collector? Indeed? And--er--have you--er--?
MR. B. I"ve the three finest Bodgers in the kingdom, Sir, and there"s a Gubbins--a _Joe_ Gubbins, mind you, not _John_--that"s hanging now in the morning-room of my place in the country that I wouldn"t take a thousand pounds for! I go about using my eyes, and pick "em up cheap.
Cheapest picture _I_ ever bought was a Prout--thirty-two by twenty; got it for two pound ten! Unfinished, of course, but it only wanted the colour being brought up to the edge. _I_ did that. Took me half a day, and _now_--well, any dealer would give me hundreds for it! But I shall leave it to the nation, out of respect for Prout"s memory.
BOB PR. (_to_ PODBURY). Yes, came over by the St. Gothard. Who is that girl who was talking to Culchard just now? Do you know her? I say, I wish you"d introduce me some time.
MISS T. (_to_ CULCHARD). You don"t seem vurry bright this evening. I"d like you to converse with your friend opposite, so I could get a chance to chip in. I"m ever so interested in that girl!
CULCH. Presently--presently, if I have an opportunity. (_Hastily to_ MR.
B.) I gather that you paint yourself, Sir?
MR. B. Well, yes. I a.s.sure you I often go to a Gallery, see a picture there that takes my fancy, go back to my office, and paint it in half an hour from memory--so like the original that, if it were framed, and hung up alongside, it would puzzle the man who painted it to know t"other from which! I have indeed! I paint original pictures, too. Most important thing I ever did was--let me see now--three feet by two and three-quarters. I was most successful in getting an effect of rose-coloured snow against the sky. I sponged it up, and--well, it came right somehow. _Luck_, that was, not skill, you know. I sent that picture to the Royal Academy, and they did me the honour to--ar--reject it.
CULCH. (_vaguely_). An--er--honour, indeed.--(_In despair, as_ MR. B.
_rises._)--You----You"re not _going!_
MR. B. (_consolingly_). Only into the garden, for coffee. I observe you are interested in Art. We will--ar--resume this conversation later.
[_Rises_; MISS PRENDERGAST _rises too, and goes towards the garden._
CULCH. (_as he follows, hastily_). I must get this business over--if I can. But I wish I knew exactly _how_ much to tell her. It"s really very awkward--between the two of them. I"m afraid I"ve been a little too precipitate.
IN THE GARDEN; A FEW MINUTES LATER.
MISS PREND. (_who has retired to fetch her gla.s.ses--with gracious playfulness_). Well, Mr. Culchard, and how has my knight performed his lady"s behests?
CULCH. May I ask _which_ knight you refer to?
MISS P. (_slightly changing countenance_). Which! Then--you know there is another? Surely there is nothing in that circ.u.mstance to--to offend--or hurt you?
CULCH. Offended? (_Considers whether this would be a good line to take._) Hardly _that_. Hurt? Well, I confess to being pained--very much pained, to discover that I was unconsciously pitted--against Podbury!
MISS P. But why? I have expressed no preference as yet. You can scarcely have become so attached to him that you dread the result of a successful rivalry!
CULCH. (_to himself_). It"s a loop-hole--I"ll try it. (_Aloud._) You have divined my feeling exactly. In--er--obeying your commands, I have learned to know Podbury better--to see in him a sterling nature, more worthy, in some respects, than my own. And I know how deeply he has centred all his hopes upon you, Miss Prendergast. Knowing, seeing that as I--er--_do_, I feel that--whatever it costs me--I cannot run the risk of wrecking the--er--life"s happiness of so good a fellow. So you must really allow me to renounce vows accepted under--er--an imperfect comprehension of the--er--facts! [_Wipes his brow._
MISS P. This is quite too Quixotic. Reflect, Mr. Culchard. Is such a sacrifice demanded of you? I a.s.sure you I am perfectly neutral at present. I _might_ prefer Mr. Podbury. I _really_ don"t know. And--and I don"t _like_ losing one of my suitors like this!
CULCH. Don"t tempt me! I--I mustn"t listen, I cannot. No, I renounce. Be kind to Podbury--try to recognize the good in him ... he is so devoted to you--make him happy, if you can!
MISS P. (_affected_). I--I really can"t tell you how touched I am, Mr.
Culchard. I can guess what this renunciation must have cost you. It--it gives me a better opinion of human nature ... it does, indeed!
CULCH. (_loftily, as she rises to go in_). Ah, Miss Prendergast, _don"t_ lose your faith in human nature! Trust me, it is--er--full of surprises!
(_Alone._) Now am I an abominable humbug, or what? I swear I felt every word I said, at the time. Curious psychological state to be in. But I"m out of what might have been a very unpleasant mess, at all events!