She could have killed them for making her father suffer. The sight of his drawn face hurt her abominably. She had never seen him like that.
She wasn"t half so sorry for her mother who was sustained by a secret, ineradicable faith in Nicky. Why couldn"t he have faith in Nicky too?
Was it because he was a man and knew that these things happened?
"Daddy--being sent down isn"t such an awful calamity. It isn"t going to blast his career or anything. It"s always touch and go. _I_ might have been sent down any day. I should have been if they"d known about me half what they don"t know about Nicky. Why can"t you take it as a rag? You bet _he_ does."
Anthony removed himself from her protecting hand. He got up and went to bed.
But he did not sleep there. Neither he nor Frances slept. And he came down in the morning looking worse than ever.
Dorothy thought, "It must be awful to have children if it makes you feel like that." She thought, "It"s a lucky thing they"re not likely to cut up the same way about me." She thought again, "It must be awful to have children." She thought of the old discussions in her room at Newnham, about the woman"s right to the child, and free union, and easy divorce, and the abolition of the family. Her own violent and revolutionary speeches (for which she liked to think she might have been sent down) sounded faint and far-off and irrelevant. She did not really want to abolish Frances and Anthony. And yet, if they had been abolished, as part of the deplorable inst.i.tution of parentage, it would have been better for them; for then they would not be suffering as they did.
It must be awful to have children. But perhaps they knew that it was worth it.
And as her thoughts travelled that way they were overtaken all of a sudden by an idea. She did not stop to ask herself what business her idea had in that neighbourhood. She went down first thing after breakfast and sent off two wires; one to Captain Drayton at Croft House, Eltham; one to the same person at the Royal Military Academy, Woolwich.
"Can I see you? It"s about Nicky.
"DOROTHY HARRISON."
Wires to show that she was impersonal and businesslike, and that her business was urgent. "Can I see you?" to show that he was not being invited to see _her_. "It"s about Nicky" to justify the whole proceeding. "Dorothy Harrison" because "Dorothy" by itself was too much.
As soon as she had sent off her wires Dorothy felt a sense of happiness and well-being. She had no grounds for happiness; far otherwise; her great friendship with Rosalind Jervis was disintegrating bit by bit owing to Rosalind"s behaviour; the fiery Suffrage meeting had turned into dust and ashes; her darling Nicky was in a nasty sc.r.a.pe; her father and mother were utterly miserable; yet she was happy.
Half-way home her mind began to ask questions of its own accord.
"Supposing you had to choose between the Suffrage and Frank Drayton?"
"But I haven"t got to."
"You might have. You know you might any minute. You know he hates it.
And supposing--"
But Dorothy refused to give any answer.
His wire came within the next half hour.
"Coming three sharp. FRANK."
Her sense of well-being increased almost to exaltation.
He arrived with punctuality at three o"clock. (He was in the gunners and had a job at Woolwich.) She found him standing on the hearth-rug in the drawing-room. He had blown his nose when he heard her coming, and that meant that he was nervous. She caught him stuffing his pocket-handkerchief (a piece of d.a.m.ning evidence) into his breast-pocket.
With her knowledge of his nervousness her exaltation ceased as if it had not been. At the sight of him it was as if the sentence hidden somewhere in her mind--"You"ll have to choose. You know you"ll have to"--escaping thought and language, had expressed itself in one suffocating pang.
Unless Nicky"s affair staved off the dreadful moment.
"Were you frightfully busy?"
"No, thank goodness."
The luck she had had! Of course, if he had been busy he couldn"t possibly have come.
She could look at him now without a tightening in her throat. She liked to look at him. He was made all of one piece. She liked his square face and short fine hair, both the colour of light-brown earth; his eyes, the colour of light brown earth under clear water; eyes that looked small because they were set so deep. She liked their sudden narrowing and their deep wrinkles when he smiled. She liked his jutting chin, and the fine, rather small mouth that jerked his face slightly crooked when he laughed. She liked that slender crookedness that made it a face remarkable and unique among faces. She liked his brains. She liked all that she had ever seen or heard of him.
Vera had told them that once, at an up-country station in India, he had stopped a mutiny in a native battery by laughing in the men"s faces.
Somebody that Ferdie knew had been with him and saw it happen. The men broke into his office where he was sitting, vulnerably, in his shirt-sleeves. They had brought knives with them, beastly native things, and they had their hands on the handles, ready. They screamed and gesticulated with excitement. And Frank Drayton leaned back in his office chair and looked at them, and burst out laughing, because, he said, they made such funny faces. When they got to fingering their knives, he tilted back his chair and rocked with laughter. His sudden, incredible mirth frightened them and stopped the mutiny. She could see him, she could see his face jerked crooked with delight.
That was the sort of thing that Nicky would have done. She loved him for that. She loved him because he was like Nicky.
She was not able to recall the process of the states that flowered in that mysterious sense of well-being and exaltation. A year ago Frank Drayton had been only "that nice man we used to meet at Cheltenham."
First of all he had been Ferdie"s and Vera"s friend. Then he became Nicky"s friend; the only one who took a serious interest in his inventions and supported him when he wanted to go into the Army and consoled him when he was frustrated. Then he had become the friend of the family. Now he was recognized as more particularly Dorothea"s friend.
At Cheltenham he had been home on leave; and it was not until this year that he had got his job at Woolwich teaching gunnery, while he waited for a bigger job in the Ordnance Department. Ferdie Cameron had always said that Frank Drayton would be worth watching. He would be part of the brains of the Army some day. Nicky watched him. His brains and their familiarity with explosives and the machinery of warfare had been his original attraction for Nicky. But it was Dorothea who watched him most.
She plunged abruptly into Nicky"s affair, giving names and lineage. "You know all sorts of people, do you know anything about her?"
He looked at her clearly, without smiling. Then he said "Yes. I know a good bit about her. Is that what"s wrong with Nicky?"
"Not exactly. But he"s been sent down."
His wry smile intimated that such things might be.
Then she told him what the Master had written and what the Professor had written and what Michael had written, and what Nicky had said, and what she, Dorothea thought. Drayton smiled over the Master"s and the Professor"s letters, but when it came to Michael"s letter he laughed aloud.
"It"s all very well for _us_. But Daddy and Mummy are breaking their hearts. Daddy says he"s going down to Cambridge to see what really did happen."
Again that clear look. She gathered that he disapproved of "Booster"s"
wife. He disapproved of so many things: of Women"s Suffrage; of revolutions; of women who revolted; of anybody who revolted; of Mrs.
Palmerston-Swete and Mrs. Blathwaite and Angela Blathwaite. It was putting it too mildly to say he disapproved of Rosalind Jervis; he detested her. He disapproved of Vera and of her going to see Vera; she remembered that he had even disapproved, long ago, of poor Ferdie, though he liked him. Evidently he disapproved of "Booster"s" wife for the same reason that he disapproved of Vera. That was why he didn"t say so.
"I believe you think all the time I"m right," she said. "Would you go down if you were he?"
"No. I wouldn"t."
"Why not?"
"Because he won"t get anything out of them. They can"t give her away any more than Nicky can. Or than _you_ can, Dorothy."
"You mean I"ve done it already--to you. I _had_ to, because of Nicky. I can"t help it if you _do_ think it was beastly of me."
"My dear child--"
He got up vehemently, as if his idea was to take her in his arms and stifle her outbreak that way. But something in her eyes, cold, unready, yet aware of him, repelled him.
He thought: "It"s too soon. She"s all rigid. She isn"t alive yet.