By her soothing willingness to do anything for him, Siegmund knew that she was d.o.g.g.i.ng him closely. He could not bear to have his anxiety protracted.
"But you have promised Louisa, have you not?" he replied.
"Oh, well!" she said, in the peculiar slighting tone she had when she wished to convey the unimportance of affairs not touching him.
"Then you must go," he said.
"But," she began, with harsh petulance, "I do not want to go down to Cornwall with _Louisa and Olive_"--she accentuated the two names--"after _this_," she added.
"Then Louisa will have no holiday--and you have promised," he said gravely.
Helena looked at him. She saw he had decided that she should go.
"Is my promise so _very_ important?" she asked. She glanced angrily at the three ladies who were hesitating in the doorway. Nevertheless, the ladies entered, and seated themselves at the opposite end of the carriage. Siegmund did not know whether he were displeased or relieved by their intrusion. If they had stayed out, he might have held Helena in his arms for still another hour. As it was, she could not hara.s.s him with words. He tried not to look at her, but to think.
The train at last moved out of the station. As it pa.s.sed through Portsmouth, Siegmund remembered his coming down, on the Sunday. It seemed an indefinite age ago. He was thankful that he sat on the side of the carriage opposite from the one he had occupied five days before. The afternoon of the flawless sky was ripening into evening. The chimneys and the sides of the houses of Portsmouth took on that radiant appearance which transfigures the end of day in town. A rich bloom of light appears on the surfaces of brick and stone.
"It will go on," thought Siegmund, "being gay of an evening, for ever.
And I shall miss it all!"
But as soon as the train moved into the gloom of the Town station, he began again:
"Beatrice will be proud, and silent as steel when I get home. She will say nothing, thank G.o.d--nor shall I. That will expedite matters: there will be no interruptions....
"But we cannot continue together after this. Why should I discuss reasons for and against? We cannot. She goes to a cottage in the country. Already I have spoken of it to her. I allow her all I can of my money, and on the rest I manage for myself in lodgings in London.
Very good.
"But when I am comparatively free I cannot live alone. I shall want Helena; I shall remember the children. If I have the one, I shall be d.a.m.ned by the thought of the other. This bruise on my mind will never get better. Helena says she would never come to me; but she would, out of pity for me. I know she would.
"But then, what then? Beatrice and the children in the country, and me not looking after the children. Beatrice is thriftless. She would be in endless difficulty. It would be a degradation to me. She would keep a red sore inflamed against me; I should be a shameful thing in her mouth.
Besides, there would go all her strength. She would not make any efforts. "He has brought it on us," she would say; "let him see what the result is." And things would go from bad to worse with them. It would be a gangrene of shame.
"And Helena--I should have nothing but mortification. When she was asleep I could not look at her. She is such a strange, incongruous creature. But I should be responsible for her. She believes in me as if I had the power of G.o.d. What should I think of myself?"
Siegmund leaned with his head against the window, watching the country whirl past, but seeing nothing. He thought imaginatively, and his imagination destroyed him. He pictured Beatrice in the country. He sketched the morning--breakfast haphazard at a late hour; the elder children rushing off without food, miserable and untidy, the youngest bewildered under her swift, indifferent preparations for school. He thought of Beatrice in the evening, worried and irritable, her bills unpaid, the work undone, declaiming lamentably against the cruelty of her husband, who had abandoned her to such a burden of care while he took his pleasure elsewhere.
This line exhausted or intolerable, Siegmund switched off to the consideration of his own life in town. He would go to America; the agreement was signed with the theatre manager. But America would be only a brief shutting of the eyes and closing of the mouth. He would wait for the home-coming to Helena, and she would wait for him. It was inevitable; then would begin--what? He would never have enough money to keep Helena, even if he managed to keep himself. Their meetings would then be occasional and clandestine. Ah, it was intolerable!
"If I were rich," said Siegmund, "all would be plain. I would give each of my children enough, and Beatrice, and we would go away; but I am nearly forty; I have no genius; I shall never be rich," Round and round went his thoughts like oxen over a threshing floor, treading out the grain. Gradually the chaff flew away; gradually the corn of conviction gathered small and hard upon the floor.
As he sat thinking, Helena leaned across to him and laid her hand on his knee.
"If I have made things more difficult," she said, her voice harsh with pain, "you will forgive me."
He started. This was one of the cruel cuts of pain that love gives, filling the eyes with blood. Siegmund stiffened himself; slowly he smiled, as he looked at her childish, plaintive lips, and her large eyes haunted with pain.
"Forgive you?" he repeated. "Forgive you for five days of perfect happiness; the only real happiness I have ever known!"
Helena tightened her fingers on his knee. She felt herself stinging with painful joy; but one of the ladies was looking her curiously. She leaned back in her place, and turned to watch at the shocks of corn strike swiftly, in long rows, across her vision.
Siegmund, also quivering, turned his face to the window, where the rotation of the wide sea-flat helped the movement of his thought. Helena had interrupted him. She had bewildered his thoughts from their hawking, so that they struck here and there, wildly, among small, pitiful prey that was useless, conclusions which only hindered the bringing home of the final convictions.
"What will she do?" cried Siegmund, "What will she do when I am gone?
What will become of her? Already she has no aim in life; then she will have no object. Is it any good my going if I leave her behind? What an inextricable knot this is! But what will she do?"
It was a question she had aroused before, a question which he could never answer; indeed, it was not for him to answer.
They wound through the pa.s.s of the South Downs. As Siegmund, looking backward, saw the northern slope of the downs swooping smoothly, in a great, broad bosom of sward, down to the body of the land, he warmed with sudden love for the earth; there the great downs were, naked like a breast, leaning kindly to him. The earth is always kind; it loves us, and would foster us like a nurse. The downs were big and tender and simple. Siegmund looked at the farm, folded in a hollow, and he wondered what fortunate folk were there, nourished and quiet, hearing the vague roar of the train that was carrying him home.
Up towards Arundel the cornfields of red wheat were heavy with gold. It was evening, when the green of the trees went out, leaving dark shapes proud upon the sky; but the red wheat was forged in the sunset, hot and magnificent. Siegmund almost gloated as he smelled the ripe corn, and opened his eyes to its powerful radiation. For a moment he forgot everything, amid the forging of red fields of gold in the smithy of the sunset. Like sparks, poppies blew along the railway-banks, a crimson train. Siegmund waited, through the meadows, for the next wheat-field.
It came like the lifting of yellow-hot metal out of the gloom of darkened gra.s.s-lands.
Helena was rea.s.sured by the glamour of evening over ripe Suss.e.x. She breathed the land now and then, while she watched the sky. The sunset was stately. The blue-eyed day, with great limbs, having fought its victory and won, now mounted triumphant on its pyre, and with white arms uplifted took the flames, which leaped like blood about its feet. The day died n.o.bly, so she thought.
One gold cloud, as an encouragement tossed to her, followed the train.
"Surely that cloud is for us," said she, as she watched it anxiously.
Dark trees brushed between it and her, while she waited in suspense. It came, unswerving, from behind the trees.
"I am sure it is for us," she repeated. A gladness came into her eyes.
Still the cloud followed the train. She leaned forward to Siegmund and pointed out the cloud to him. She was very eager to give him a little of her faith.
"It has come with us quite a long way. Doesn"t it seem to you to be travelling with us? It is the golden hand; it is the good omen."
She then proceeded to tell him the legend from "Aylwin".
Siegmund listened, and smiled. The sunset was handsome on his face.
Helena was almost happy.
"I am right," said he to himself. I am right in my conclusions, and Helena will manage by herself afterwards. I am right; there is the hand to confirm it."
The heavy train settled down to an easy, unbroken stroke, swinging like a greyhound over the level northwards. All the time Siegmund was mechanically thinking the well-known movement from the Valkyrie Ride, his whole self beating to the rhythm. It seemed to him there was a certain grandeur in this flight, but it hurt him with its heavy insistence of catastrophe. He was afraid; he had to summon his courage to sit quiet. For a time he was rea.s.sured; he believed he was going on towards the right end. He hunted through the country and the sky, asking of everything, "Am I right? Am I right?" He did not mind what happened to him, so long as he felt it was right. What he meant by "right" he did not trouble to think, but the question remained. For a time he had been rea.s.sured; then a dullness came over him, when his thoughts were stupid, and he merely submitted to the rhythm of the train, which stamped him deeper and deeper with a brand of catastrophe.
The sun had gone down. Over the west was a gush of brightness as the fountain of light bubbled lower. The stars, like specks of froth from the foaming of the day, clung to the blue ceiling. Like spiders they hung overhead, while the hosts of the gold atmosphere poured out of the hive by the western low door. Soon the hive was empty, a hollow dome of purple, with here and there on the floor a bright brushing of wings--a village; then, overhead, the luminous star-spider began to run.
"Ah, well!" thought Siegmund--he was tired--"if one bee dies in a swarm, what is it, so long as the hive is all right? Apart from the gold light, and the hum and the colour of day, what was I? Nothing! Apart from these rushings out of the hive, along with swarm, into the dark meadows of night, gathering G.o.d knows what, I was a pebble. Well, the day will swarm in golden again, with colour on the wings of every bee, and humming in each activity. The gold and the colour and sweet smell and the sound of life, they exist, even if there is no bee; it only happens we see the iridescence on the wings of a bee. It exists whether or not, bee or no bee. Since the iridescence and the humming of life _are_ always, and since it was they who made me, then I am not lost. At least, I do not care. If the spark goes out, the essence of the fire is there in the darkness. What does it matter? Besides, I _have_ burned bright; I have laid up a fine cell of honey somewhere--I wonder where? We can never point to it; but it _is_ so--what does it matter, then!"
They had entered the north downs, and were running through Dorking towards Leatherhead. Box Hill stood dark in the dusky sweetness of the night. Helena remembered that here she and Siegmund had come for their first walk together. She would like to come again. Presently she saw the quick stilettos of stars on the small, baffled river; they ran between high embankments. Siegmund recollected that these were covered with roses of Sharon--the large golden St John"s wort of finest silk. He looked, and could just distinguish the full-blown, delicate flowers, ignored by the stars. At last he had something to say to Helena:
"Do you remember," he asked, "the roses of Sharon all along here?"
"I do," replied Helena, glad he spoke so brightly. "Weren"t they pretty?"
After a few moments of watching the bank, she said:
"Do you know, I have never gathered one? I think I should like to; I should like to feel them, and they should have an orangy smell."
He smiled, without answering.