XV
The business was practically settled from the moment I never followed him. It was a pitiful surrender to agitation, but my being aware of this had somehow no power to restore me. I only sat there on my tomb and read into what my little friend had said to me the fullness of its meaning; by the time I had grasped the whole of which I had also embraced, for absence, the pretext that I was ashamed to offer my pupils and the rest of the congregation such an example of delay. What I said to myself above all was that Miles had got something out of me and that the proof of it, for him, would be just this awkward collapse. He had got out of me that there was something I was much afraid of and that he should probably be able to make use of my fear to gain, for his own purpose, more freedom. My fear was of having to deal with the intolerable question of the grounds of his dismissal from school, for that was really but the question of the horrors gathered behind. That his uncle should arrive to treat with me of these things was a solution that, strictly speaking, I ought now to have desired to bring on; but I could so little face the ugliness and the pain of it that I simply procrastinated and lived from hand to mouth. The boy, to my deep discomposure, was immensely in the right, was in a position to say to me: "Either you clear up with my guardian the mystery of this interruption of my studies, or you cease to expect me to lead with you a life that"s so unnatural for a boy." What was so unnatural for the particular boy I was concerned with was this sudden revelation of a consciousness and a plan.
That was what really overcame me, what prevented my going in. I walked round the church, hesitating, hovering; I reflected that I had already, with him, hurt myself beyond repair. Therefore I could patch up nothing, and it was too extreme an effort to squeeze beside him into the pew: he would be so much more sure than ever to pa.s.s his arm into mine and make me sit there for an hour in close, silent contact with his commentary on our talk. For the first minute since his arrival I wanted to get away from him. As I paused beneath the high east window and listened to the sounds of worship, I was taken with an impulse that might master me, I felt, completely should I give it the least encouragement. I might easily put an end to my predicament by getting away altogether. Here was my chance; there was no one to stop me; I could give the whole thing up--turn my back and retreat. It was only a question of hurrying again, for a few preparations, to the house which the attendance at church of so many of the servants would practically have left unoccupied. No one, in short, could blame me if I should just drive desperately off. What was it to get away if I got away only till dinner? That would be in a couple of hours, at the end of which--I had the acute prevision--my little pupils would play at innocent wonder about my nonappearance in their train.
"What DID you do, you naughty, bad thing? Why in the world, to worry us so--and take our thoughts off, too, don"t you know?--did you desert us at the very door?" I couldn"t meet such questions nor, as they asked them, their false little lovely eyes; yet it was all so exactly what I should have to meet that, as the prospect grew sharp to me, I at last let myself go.
I got, so far as the immediate moment was concerned, away; I came straight out of the churchyard and, thinking hard, retraced my steps through the park. It seemed to me that by the time I reached the house I had made up my mind I would fly. The Sunday stillness both of the approaches and of the interior, in which I met no one, fairly excited me with a sense of opportunity. Were I to get off quickly, this way, I should get off without a scene, without a word. My quickness would have to be remarkable, however, and the question of a conveyance was the great one to settle. Tormented, in the hall, with difficulties and obstacles, I remember sinking down at the foot of the staircase--suddenly collapsing there on the lowest step and then, with a revulsion, recalling that it was exactly where more than a month before, in the darkness of night and just so bowed with evil things, I had seen the specter of the most horrible of women. At this I was able to straighten myself; I went the rest of the way up; I made, in my bewilderment, for the schoolroom, where there were objects belonging to me that I should have to take. But I opened the door to find again, in a flash, my eyes unsealed. In the presence of what I saw I reeled straight back upon my resistance.
Seated at my own table in clear noonday light I saw a person whom, without my previous experience, I should have taken at the first blush for some housemaid who might have stayed at home to look after the place and who, availing herself of rare relief from observation and of the schoolroom table and my pens, ink, and paper, had applied herself to the considerable effort of a letter to her sweetheart. There was an effort in the way that, while her arms rested on the table, her hands with evident weariness supported her head; but at the moment I took this in I had already become aware that, in spite of my entrance, her att.i.tude strangely persisted. Then it was--with the very act of its announcing itself--that her ident.i.ty flared up in a change of posture. She rose, not as if she had heard me, but with an indescribable grand melancholy of indifference and detachment, and, within a dozen feet of me, stood there as my vile predecessor. Dishonored and tragic, she was all before me; but even as I fixed and, for memory, secured it, the awful image pa.s.sed away. Dark as midnight in her black dress, her haggard beauty and her unutterable woe, she had looked at me long enough to appear to say that her right to sit at my table was as good as mine to sit at hers.
While these instants lasted, indeed, I had the extraordinary chill of feeling that it was I who was the intruder. It was as a wild protest against it that, actually addressing her--"You terrible, miserable woman!"--I heard myself break into a sound that, by the open door, rang through the long pa.s.sage and the empty house. She looked at me as if she heard me, but I had recovered myself and cleared the air. There was nothing in the room the next minute but the sunshine and a sense that I must stay.
XVI
I had so perfectly expected that the return of my pupils would be marked by a demonstration that I was freshly upset at having to take into account that they were dumb about my absence. Instead of gaily denouncing and caressing me, they made no allusion to my having failed them, and I was left, for the time, on perceiving that she too said nothing, to study Mrs. Grose"s odd face. I did this to such purpose that I made sure they had in some way bribed her to silence; a silence that, however, I would engage to break down on the first private opportunity.
This opportunity came before tea: I secured five minutes with her in the housekeeper"s room, where, in the twilight, amid a smell of lately baked bread, but with the place all swept and garnished, I found her sitting in pained placidity before the fire. So I see her still, so I see her best: facing the flame from her straight chair in the dusky, shining room, a large clean image of the "put away"--of drawers closed and locked and rest without a remedy.
"Oh, yes, they asked me to say nothing; and to please them--so long as they were there--of course I promised. But what had happened to you?"
"I only went with you for the walk," I said. "I had then to come back to meet a friend."
She showed her surprise. "A friend--YOU?"
"Oh, yes, I have a couple!" I laughed. "But did the children give you a reason?"
"For not alluding to your leaving us? Yes; they said you would like it better. Do you like it better?"
My face had made her rueful. "No, I like it worse!" But after an instant I added: "Did they say why I should like it better?"
"No; Master Miles only said, "We must do nothing but what she likes!""
"I wish indeed he would. And what did Flora say?"
"Miss Flora was too sweet. She said, "Oh, of course, of course!"--and I said the same."
I thought a moment. "You were too sweet, too--I can hear you all. But nonetheless, between Miles and me, it"s now all out."
"All out?" My companion stared. "But what, miss?"
"Everything. It doesn"t matter. I"ve made up my mind. I came home, my dear," I went on, "for a talk with Miss Jessel."
I had by this time formed the habit of having Mrs. Grose literally well in hand in advance of my sounding that note; so that even now, as she bravely blinked under the signal of my word, I could keep her comparatively firm. "A talk! Do you mean she spoke?"
"It came to that. I found her, on my return, in the schoolroom."
"And what did she say?" I can hear the good woman still, and the candor of her stupefaction.
"That she suffers the torments--!"
It was this, of a truth, that made her, as she filled out my picture, gape. "Do you mean," she faltered, "--of the lost?"
"Of the lost. Of the d.a.m.ned. And that"s why, to share them-" I faltered myself with the horror of it.
But my companion, with less imagination, kept me up. "To share them--?"
"She wants Flora." Mrs. Grose might, as I gave it to her, fairly have fallen away from me had I not been prepared. I still held her there, to show I was. "As I"ve told you, however, it doesn"t matter."
"Because you"ve made up your mind? But to what?"
"To everything."
"And what do you call "everything"?"
"Why, sending for their uncle."
"Oh, miss, in pity do," my friend broke out. "ah, but I will, I WILL! I see it"s the only way. What"s "out," as I told you, with Miles is that if he thinks I"m afraid to--and has ideas of what he gains by that--he shall see he"s mistaken. Yes, yes; his uncle shall have it here from me on the spot (and before the boy himself, if necessary) that if I"m to be reproached with having done nothing again about more school--"
"Yes, miss--" my companion pressed me.
"Well, there"s that awful reason."
There were now clearly so many of these for my poor colleague that she was excusable for being vague. "But--a--which?"
"Why, the letter from his old place."
"You"ll show it to the master?"
"I ought to have done so on the instant."
"Oh, no!" said Mrs. Grose with decision.
"I"ll put it before him," I went on inexorably, "that I can"t undertake to work the question on behalf of a child who has been expelled--"
"For we"ve never in the least known what!" Mrs. Grose declared.
"For wickedness. For what else--when he"s so clever and beautiful and perfect? Is he stupid? Is he untidy? Is he infirm? Is he ill-natured?
He"s exquisite--so it can be only THAT; and that would open up the whole thing. After all," I said, "it"s their uncle"s fault. If he left here such people--!"
"He didn"t really in the least know them. The fault"s mine." She had turned quite pale.