"Come in Frank," I said quietly and for a second I thought he was going to say no and flee the room thanks to his sullen expression. Instead he ducked once and came over to sit opposite me on the bed. We sat facing each other without speaking for a few moments and Frank looked deep in thought as though trying to find the right words. I decided to kick start this or he would be waking me up by the time he found them.
"Look Frank, I want to apologise. I am sorry that you both got dragged out to get me in the middle of the night and I"m more sorry that you were both worried." Frank frowned at this, which wasn"t the reaction I was hoping for.
"Aren"t you tired of saying sorry, Keira?" His question caught me off guard and I shook my head lightly in confusion.
"People don"t think I take much notice because I stand on the sidelines and keep quiet but I find that is the best place to see things clearly. Lib"s likes to get more involved, like your folks, but I realised from the start that all you needed was time to figure things out for yourself. I could see how exhausting it was for you, always having to put on that act, like you were fine all the time. Like you would be s.h.i.tting fine after what you had just been through!" He clenched his fists at the memory and my tears misted at his confession of feelings that had obviously been on his mind for quite some time.
"But you did it, not very convincingly, but you still did it! You put every single person before yourself and said sorry for something you didn"t need to ever be sorry about. I would see you trying desperately to make your mum and Lib"s feel better, which I appreciated more than you could ever know, "cause trust me, in my life, the only thing that brings me pain is seeing your sister cry. I love her that d.a.m.n much! But I love you too, you will always be a sister to me and I wanted you to know that I think you are one of the most selfless people I have ever known." After he finished I couldn"t help my reaction. I threw myself into his arms and hugged onto him like any crying sister would. He made an "Uff" sound as I hit into his chest but after a moment he wrapped his arms round me and rubbed my back soothingly.
"It"s alright, come on now, Ssshhh." I was crying into his shoulder and when I moved my head back there were two wet patches on his soft, checked shirt.
"Man, if I knew I was going to bring on the water works I would have just said goodnight." He joked making me laugh as I let him go.
"Sorry, I guess it"s just nice to know that I didn"t have to fool everyone. You really are a great guy Frank and I"m so happy to call you brother." At this he beamed a smile at me and gave me a wink.
"I know, I"m great aren"t I, but hey do you think you could tell Lib"s that some time "cause her hormones have been riding me hard!" He joked some more.
"Yeah you wish!"
"At the minute my only secret weapon is chocolate, seriously you would think she was on drugs and I was her dealer...seriously addicted!" I laughed some more and the feeling was like being pumped with a cure for a numb state.
"Anyway talking about great guys..." And here it was, the man talk. I raised an eyebrow and he winced.
"Ok I know, this is none of my business but I spoke to Dom. He"s really worried about you...I mean like crazy man worried! The man is obsessed if you ask me but hey as long as he"s good to you then I"m cool with the dude but tell me truthfully...did he hurt you?"
"NO! Sorry but no, nothing like that." He looked relieved and continued.
"Then he"s a good guy?" He knew the answer but he just wanted to hear me say it. I didn"t but I couldn"t help but nodding.
"Then why did you run girl?" I took a deep breath and looked down. What could I say?
"What did he tell you?" I said, deciding that was the smarter way to go.
"That basically, some a.r.s.ehole pushed you and Dom pretty much nearly killed him because of it and it terrified the s.h.i.t out of you. So you ran and he couldn"t stop you." O..K....So maybe I was wrong. He had pretty much told him the truth and it was obvious which side Frank was on.
"You think it was the wrong thing to do, me running away don"t you?"
"Yes!" Well at least he was honest if not a little blunt.
"Look honey, I get it, I understand how s.h.i.t like that isn"t easy for girls to see, especially after all you have been through the last couple of years. But let me tell you now, if that had been me and some guy with a death wish pushed down my Lib"s, then that man would not be breathing right now! It maybe a guy thing, I don"t know, but if you"re a real man then you don"t just stand back and let someone hurt your woman. Dom"s a big guy and I can"t imagine he let him get away with it lightly, so I understand you being frightened but just because he does that to a guy, who clearly deserved it, that doesn"t mean you have anything to fear." And that was it in a nut sh.e.l.l. Fear.
I must have looked as deep in thought as I was because I only looked up when I felt the bed move. Frank patted me on the head twice and moved towards the door.
"Get some rest and think about what I said. Think about if you had seen some girl hitting Dom over the head with a pipe...what would you have done to that girl? Not the same thing, but still, the principle remains the same." The answer to that hit me without thinking...I would have probably killed her!
"How did you get so smart Frank?" I said smiling at him in the door way.
"I watched sports, brushed my teeth and got into my fair share of mischief but one thing I will always recommend...always listen to your mother." He laughed at himself heartily and opened my door but then something made him stop. He turned his head and met me with serious eyes.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Dom made me promise to tell you something before you go to sleep." He looked uncertain about telling me.
"He told me to tell you..." He looked down as if still deciding with himself before continuing.
"He hopes you finally found your proof!"
Chapter 56.
Truth be Told for a Forgiving Day That night I went to bed feeling completely lost in myself. I had thought about what Frank had said and it made so much sense in the world of men. But then again, I guess if the roles were reversed would I have acted the same? The part that had hurt me the most was the begging for a life, begging was a sore spot for me, which made me think...was this just all about me? Was it just another defect on my part caused by my unmoveable past. Morgan may be dead but what he did to me, what he put me through and how he had changed me was still much alive in its own way. I was damaged from it, I knew that, but would I really let it win. Was I going to allow it to make me weak when I needed to be all that much stronger. Would I let it pull me under into the darkness it lived when I needed to stay on the surface to be with Draven. One thing that night had proved, was that my choices were my own...Draven had been right...I had found my proof.
My body was crying out for the rest my mind wouldn"t allow me. I had put the light out and tossed and turned in my bed like a fish on the bottom of a boat for over an hour. In the end I sat up and looked about the dark room full of shadows I wasn"t yet used too. I had only slept in this room twice because I was always with Draven. I tried to blame the irritation I felt on the bed being too hard, or the pillows being too lumpy but I knew the truth. Every time I had stretched out my arm it had found air instead of skin and flesh. Every time I had rolled over I found an edge instead of a warm body to lean against. I had got so used to spending my nights next to Draven it felt wrong to be so alone. I hated it!
I got up and wrapped a blanket that lay at the bottom of the bed around my shoulders. I walked over to the window where a high backed chair sat waiting for me to fill it. I slumped down and pulled my knees up to wrap the knitted wool around them. I looked out of the window to an unfamiliar view of the back of the house. This side backed onto the forest that surrounded both sides of the house and instead of my usual panoramic view of the national park and rolling green mountains, now I was faced with a wall of dark trees stretching out ready to claim me. I shuddered at the irrational fear creeping up inside my fragile mind. It was because I was used to sleeping in the complete ease of Draven"s protecting arms but now I was alone and left wide open to the dark elements I knew existed.
Then something caught my eye. Something in the shadows of the trees, half hidden by thick branches and snow covered leaves. The moon glistened on every natural surface and provided enough light to see the black shadow. I could see the light in its eyes staring in my window like a lighthouse in the storm. Would I find false comfort in its meaning? I raised my hand to the gla.s.s and placed my palm out against the window. My actions caused reactions. The shadow moved suddenly and I let out my held breath, at the sight of Ava stretch out her impressive wingspan before taking off to the skies. I watched her until out of sight, which wasn"t for long given her speed. My heart seemed to ache more when she was gone and I curled up tighter into a ball and held myself, with my head leaning against the side of the chair. It wasn"t comfy but with the back having little sides it was easy enough for me to use as a pillow and I soon found myself asleep.
The next thing I knew I seemed to be floating. I was in that state somewhere between sleep and awareness. I had been dreaming about being outside Afterlife and I was running away from something. I kept looking behind me as I ran and every time I did my eyes met nothing but more black forest I was leaving behind. I was in the thick of the forest and the only light was what the moon"s rays could penetrate. I had been running towards something of a clearing and I knew this only as the light seemed to be brighter up ahead.
It was when I had reached that clearing that it happened. I was stood on the edge of the cliff face looking out towards the deep valley floor when something hit me. I had been staring off into the distant sky and focusing on something moving towards me at some speed. At first I thought it was Ava and even said her name aloud but as it came closer I could see it was far too big to be her, although it too had wings. Then before my eyes could take it all in at the speed it flew, it hit into me and grabbed a hold of my body.
I opened my eyes to find I was being carried somewhere and the strong hands that had hold of me pulled in closer to a hard chest. Then I was lain down on something soft and comforting. The darkness around me was too empty to make out any visual attempt at what was going on or who had gently placed me down as though I was a treasured gift. A hand smoothed back my hair from my face and it felt cool on my sticky hot skin. I must have murmured something because I felt my lips moving and the air flowing over my tongue that made a word. I know which word it would have been... no wait...not a word, more like a name.
"Draven," I said again hearing my own voice in a dream was a bit like catching a glimpse of yourself reflecting from a window in a pa.s.sing car. One second you were there like someone else and the next you were gone like a distant memory. It was getting hard to follow which me I was playing out but I knew one thing, no matter which one of us it was, for the first time tonight I felt comfort in the arms that had held me.
The daylight blaring through my window was what woke me from my slumber. I threw an arm over my eyes and rolled over to lie on my back until my sleepiness subsided. I started to replay my night like a flicker book of events. It was hard to imagine waking up from a day like that and still finding the truth it had actually happened. It was when I got to the end of my private book that a memory made me bolt upright. It was last night, when I was dreaming while awake. I remember falling asleep on the chair by the window. I remember seeing Ava, calling out his name, feeling as though floating but there was something else. I had actually woken a few times in the night to see a figure standing over me, watching...guarding me.
Had it been Draven? Had he really come to me? I couldn"t be sure but who else? So many questions with no way to get to the answers. I wanted it to be him and if that was the case then what did it mean, had I forgiven the night so easily? I shook my head as if that would help sort out all the jumbled thoughts inside my mind, it didn"t but that"s when I felt something. Soft and velvety. I looked down to discover my caller had left me a gift. A beautiful gift.
A blood red rose.
One, tied halfway down the thornless stem with a deep purple ribbon. I picked it up and placed it under my nose to inhale its sweet scent deeply. It was from Draven. My first flower from my first love. I turned it around in my fingers and took in every curve of its beauty. It was perfect in every way, every petal tucked in at just the right point, whereas others spread out around the bud as if loving the show. To anyone else it would just have been a flower but to me it was a symbol and that symbol was forgiveness. At that point I wanted to get up and race to his side like an invisible cord was tugging on my ribs. Of course, when my cousin knocked on my door, that put an end to that little romantic fantasy.
"Can I come in?" Hilary asked me, which in itself was astonishing. She had only opened the door a fraction of an inch and when I didn"t answer she opened it further to gauge my reaction. I nodded instead of throwing a shoe at her like I wanted to do. I wasn"t in the mood to go through all this again but when I could actually see her face I was shocked. She didn"t look angry, aggravated or aggressive, quite the opposite...she looked sad. I must have been frowning because the first thing out of her mouth was her reason for being here.
"Look, I know that the last thing you want right now is to see me, but I couldn"t wait anymore, I mean I thought you would never wake up." Although this sounded like she was having a dig at me it wasn"t the case.
"Why, what time is it?" I asked trying to take my eyes off her black eye, cut nose and split lip. Man, I had really done a number on her last night. I bet she was wondering why there wasn"t a mark on me, well if she was, then she was hiding the fact.
"It"s getting on for half four." She said after taking out her mobile phone to check. It was then that I noticed what she was wearing. It was the most casual I had seen her, in only a pair of loose fitted jeans and a baggy, grey jogging sweater. She had her hair pulled back in a high pony tail and no makeup. If you asked me it was the most attractive she had looked since she had been here. I mean my cousin wasn"t ugly, just an over baked cake as my gran would have put it. Sometimes less was more and even though she had the clear signs of a beating she still looked good.
"Jack called, of course he wouldn"t talk to me but he did leave a message for you. He will be round here about sixish." She didn"t sound even bitter when she said this and I was starting to think I had woken up in the twilight zone.
"I have to ask, why are you here talking to me like last night had never happened...actually sc.r.a.p that, more like the last sixteen years never happened?"
"Oh don"t get me wrong, last night I hated you more than I think I ever have but someone came round here this morning and gave me something." Her eyes burned into mine at the point of remembering last night but where I thought they would retain the heat, they fizzled out. Now she just looked full of regret and forgiveness.
"What? A personality transplant, new soul or let me guess, a defrosted heart?" I said sarcastically which I regretted after seeing her wince.
"I guess I deserve that." d.a.m.n straight, but that didn"t make me feel any better for it.
"Yes you do, but that doesn"t make it right, please go on."
"Dominic came round to see me this morning" I don"t think I could have looked more shocked.
"WHAT!" I shouted feeling the jealous rage bubbling up inside me like a bouncing kettle on the stove. No wonder she was being nice, this was all a ploy, it had to be.
"Keira please, calm down and let me finish...please." She held her hand out for me to sit back down as I had jumped out of bed and was storming around the room.
" He wasn"t nice to me Keira, actually he was a bit scary and if you ask me he has anger issues but what he said worked. h.e.l.l I would have been terrified not to do what he asked. He said that I needed to look at some facts and realise some home truths before harbouring onto a hate that was very misplaced. He really does sound kind of old fashioned sometimes doesn"t he?" Wow she had no idea! My mind reeled, Draven had come here and didn"t come up to see me?
"He asked about you, I told him you were still sleeping and he didn"t want to disturb you, so he left after giving me the folder."
"Folder?" I asked her but I remembered the answer to it before she replied. Last night I had asked Draven for it back to help Hilary realise the truth. So that"s what this was all about...great! Nice Hilary will be lasting all of ten minutes then.
"Yeah, the police folder, I don"t know how the h.e.l.l he got it but he told me to look at it. At first I didn"t want to because I didn"t want to feel anything for you but hate. He made me swear I would and he"s a hard man to say no to. So this morning I took a walk and read it."
"I don"t need your pity Hilary, so you can save it for someone who gives..."
"I don"t pity you! I...I admire you. I had no idea what had happened, well I mean not the details. Mum had told me only half of it as she thought it would have upset me, she still likes to believe we"re friends. But I had no idea what you actually went through, yet here you are still breathing, still fighting!" She touched her face and smirked.
"You always did have a wild streak." And then she laughed, making it sound weird without its fakeness coating it.
"It actually got me angry to know what he did to you and I couldn"t understand why I would feel that way. I mean I have hated you for so long it felt wrong to feel anything else. I"m going to be honest, the only reason I came here was to see how broken and miserable you were." Well those were my theories confirmed.
"Of course, when I saw how happy you looked and then that ridiculously gorgeous boyfriend of yours showed up I couldn"t stand it. I wanted to take it from you, to destroy all that happiness, like you did to mine." I started to shake my head but she got up and threw her hands up like I was blind.
"I don"t understand, what the h.e.l.l did I ever do to you?" I asked making her face flush red with a hint of anger she was trying to control.
"Do you know that when we were kids you were my best friend?" I had known this, I mean I still had a friendship bracelet in my childhood memory box at home. I had even got it out a few times ready to burn but found myself just stuffing it back in the bottom with frustration.
"And you were mine, but all I know is that one day we were attached at the hip and then the next, you hated my guts and made fun of me in front of all our friends. Then you and your mum moved away. Then when you came back a few years later, you made it your mission to make my life miserable and to this day I have no idea, no single clue as to why!" She actually laughed, but it was so lacking in humour that it sent a chill down my spine.
"I didn"t think you did. You were the reason my father left." She said with her arms folded, staring at me like she had a lifetime"s worth of blame in those eyes. Those eyes that started to well up with pain and a relentless hatred.
"WHAT!" I shouted not allowing myself to believe a word.
"It"s true, you told your mum that you had seen my dad kissing another woman and because of THAT, my mother kicked him out when he had nowhere else to go! She wouldn"t even let him come to see me. YOU ruined my life, you broke up my family while you still got to keep yours! Why was that fair? WHY?" She was losing it now and I had tears in my eyes at all the years lost because of such a misunderstanding.
"Oh my G.o.d! Hilary is that the only reason you have hated me all these years?"
"The only reason? What would be another reason greater! You ruined my life Keira, isn"t that enough?"She stormed back over to me to shout in my face but I got off the other side of the bed so that I wasn"t beneath her. I held up my hands in an "I come in peace" kind of way.
"Hilary, that wasn"t me!" At this her eyes spilled over with tears that landed on the carpet.
"Yeah right, of course you would say that!"
"Hilary, has your mum not talked to you about this, I mean, told you what really happened?" She looked both angry and confused which made her forehead wrinkle and I can imagine it was painful given her bruised face and cut nose.
"Look Hilary, I think you need to talk to your mum, "cause it wasn"t me that told anyone anything. I didn"t even know anything about your dad leaving until you guys moved away. My mum just kept telling me he was away on business because she didn"t want to upset me. She knew I was fond of my Uncle." I was trying to reason with her and my voice found a very gentle, low volume.
"NO! You"re lying! You must be lying...I ...I can"t be wrong. Are you telling the truth because, so help me G.o.d if you"re not Kaz then I wouldn"t be able to hold myself back!" She looked so past furious I was getting ready for an attack which I didn"t have the heart for. Now I knew why it didn"t matter about the past she had put me through, like letting open a window for it all to blow away with the wind. I didn"t want to fight any more, she wasn"t the only one exhausted.
"Ring your mum Hilary, demand the truth and if she refuses then ring my mum and I will make her tell you what you deserve to know. You have a right!"
"Yes...Yes I will, I will ring her now, I don"t care what time it is." And with that she left my room in a desperate state.
I got into the shower without really knowing what I was doing. It was like I was operating on autopilot. I just couldn"t believe all these years she had thought that I had been the reason for the greatest loss in her life. She idolised her father, always had but when he left it was like he had taken a bit of her with him. She came back not quite whole but the part of her had filled with bitterness and rebellion. I know for a fact that her father had been caught having an affair, but only years later and well after the fact. It had never really been explained to me why he had left and I remember feeling very vulnerable, wondering if a lot of dads did this and praying my dad never would. I think I did all the washing up for a whole year just in case.
Of course, I didn"t know exactly what Hilary was going to hear from her mum, but if it was the truth then she would have a new person to hate and I was pretty sure that someone was going to be my mother. I didn"t want to be the one to say, because it wasn"t my place and I was extremely angry at my Auntie for not telling her daughter sooner. I found out a few years ago when looking through some old family photos with my mum. The conversation came up and my poor, teary mother confessed to being the one to have to tell her own sister that she had seen her husband kissing a lady that worked at the local newsagents not far from our house. Of course, as it turned out, it wasn"t just a few pecks on the cheek for a cheaper "News of the world". It had been a full blown affair resulting in love. He soon left my Auntie for this other woman and went to live with her and her three kids.
So instead of letting Hilary be a part of her father"s life with this other family on the side she moved them both away. She only came back when she was certain her ex-husband didn"t live in the area anymore. The last my mum had heard they were living in Carmarthenshire in Wales. I had no clue that Hilary didn"t know any of this and now understood why my mother always told us "Be nice to her, she"s had it hard." That had been my mother"s excuse for everything and now I knew why...her guilt had been speaking every time.
I got out of the shower not recalling if I had even washed my hair, my mind was in a back log of childhood memories. Every nasty word, every cruel gesture and every painful thing she ever did to me now made sense. Why wouldn"t she hate me? I mean if it had been the other way round then how would I have reacted? If she had succeeded in getting Draven from me, then what would I have done? I had gone pretty far last night and that was only at the hint of it.
After getting dry and dressed I walked back into my room to find Hilary sat on my bed. Her head was buried in her hands and she was shaking. At that moment all hate we had felt for each other melted away just like a heat wave had swept through the room. She heard my footsteps and she looked up. The sight made my heart break. It looked as though she had been sobbing none stop since she left my room. Her face was red and blotchy, making her blue eyes stand out like they were dotted with broken blood vessels underneath the skin around them. Her lips were quivering and the noise of air being sucked in so that she could cry louder was enough to set me off.
I ran to her on the bed and she fell into my arms which forced us both onto the floor. I was kneeling with her head cradled on my shoulder and she was slumped to the side soaking my top with an unending stream of tears. I smoothed back her hair and rubbed her back until she was spent.
"Ssshhh, Its ok, you"re not alone" I whispered making her release one more outburst of spluttered sobs. When she found some control she pulled back to look at me in awe.
"Why are you being so nice to me, you should hate me!" Again another hitched breath and a cry came thick after her question.
"I don"t hate you, I just never understood why you hated me, but now I understand."
"I spoke to my mum and she told me everything, I yelled at her and said some pretty horrible things. Man, I want to hate her for lying to me!"
"I think you have lived with hate for too long Hilary. That type of thing will destroy you if you let it...trust me on this. After what happened I really knew what it was to hate...I hated everything! I hated it for being sunny, I hated watching people smile and laugh at things I couldn"t see the glory in. I even hated people being nice to me, their fake talk and happy eyes. But one day I realised, it wasn"t all these things I hated...It was myself. I hated who I had become and who he had made me!" Ok so now we were both crying and we really hugged each other for the first in sixteen years. It felt like a friend I had lost and just stumbled across in pa.s.sing, totally unexpected but utterly welcome.
We sat together for the longest time and when Libby came back from work and found us both giggling and gossiping like kids, with Hilary all bruised up, she nearly dropped dead from shock. It must have been the last thing she expected to get home from work to find. Well it was odd, to say the least, but it felt so right at the same time. We both explained the past and after what happened last night, how we had come to this point. Of course Libby asked the one obvious question I hadn"t even thought of.
"But why the h.e.l.l did your mum tell you it was Keira that told her?" Man that was a good question!
"Ah, well, this is the irony. She told me it was Keira because she knew what good friends we were, she thought that if I knew it had come from her that I wouldn"t even question it. She knew I trusted you and she didn"t want me thinking badly of your mum, I guess she was protecting her sister the way your mum protected her by telling on my dad." She said this last part to me and I just shook my head at how one little lie had caused so many years of damage. It made no sense in my world but then again...what did? Why should I be surprised, wasn"t my life riddled with crazy, unrelenting events that changed every course I walked down.
Time that day quickly turned into a time for everyone else. Once I had spent some time with Hilary, Jack turned up all worried and armed with an endless amount of apologies. He told me what she had told him and no surprises, how she had played the victim. He admitted it didn"t take him long to realize the holes in her stories but by then he felt so ashamed of himself for believing it, he didn"t know what to say to me. He told me how every time he tried to be alone to talk to me I would avoid him. It was true, I had been avoiding him but for all the wrong reasons.
After convincing him finally that I had forgiven him, he left after pulling me in for a bear hug. By this time it was dark outside and close to eight. I had wanted to go back to Afterlife ages ago but after what had happened with my cousin and me, I knew I would have to wait. But now my time had come. I was going to see Draven and there was no stopping me.
That was until I got a phone call from the man himself. I hadn"t answered it but a message was waiting for me by the phone written in Libby"s hand. She hadn"t wanted to tell me herself and only when reading the message did I understand why.
Keira, Please don"t come to me tonight, I need time alone to think.