"What happened?" cuts in Amber. "In cla.s.s?"
"Nothing," I say. "I didn"t feel well, so I left."
"Cash"s c.r.a.ppy coffee," offers Saf.
"Hey," snaps Cash, "I only buy gourmet."
"The corner store doesn"t have gourmet, and you know it."
Saf and Cash start bickering, but Wes isn"t so quick to drop the subject. Are you all right? he mouths at me across the circle, giving me a weighted look. I force myself to nod. He looks skeptical, but then Cash turns to him and says, "Have you decided yet if you"re taking Elle or Merilee or Amber?"
Wesley, still considering me, says, "I"m not taking any of them."
Safia gasps. "Wesley Ayers, going stag?"
He shrugs, finally turning his attention back to the group. "I didn"t want to pick just one and deprive the others of my company." He flashes a crooked smile when he says it, but the line rings hollow.
"No one"s taking anyone," announces Amber. "We"ll go as a group."
"Screw your group," says Safia. "I"ve already got a date."
"You"ve been working hard enough to get one," says Cash.
Saf throws a book at his head. It nearly hits Gavin, and the rest of lunch is a blur of chattering, bickering, and festival prep.
I barely hear a word they say.
As the lunch bell rings, I scribble another plea to the Archive.
Again it"s denied.
"When did Safia decide to join the Court?"
Amber and I are walking to Physiology, our shoes echoing against the science hall"s marble entryway.
"Ah, the migration," says Amber cheerfully. "A time-honored tradition, really. Saf starts the school year determined to make a name for herself, climb the social ladder, build an entourage of minions-G.o.d knows enough of the first and second years are willing-and then she realizes something."
"What"s that?"
Amber smiles and lifts her chin. "That the Court is, in fact, infinitely cooler than anyone else she"ll find at Hyde. She usually comes around before Fall Fest, and we welcome her back as though she never left. I"m sure she"d rather just ditch the act, but she"ll never admit she actually wants to hang out with Cash."
And I"m sure Wesley has nothing to do with it, I think as Amber squints at me.
"Speaking of Cash-" she starts.
"Any new leads on the Judge Phillip case?" I say, changing the subject as obviously as possible. "Or Bethany?" Amber sighs, but takes the bait and shakes her head. "I haven"t seen Dad this stressed in ages. They put a new case on his plate this weekend. Another unsolvable. This one doesn"t even have a crime scene or a point of departure. Some guy just went for a morning run and never came back. The brother finally reported him missing."
My stomach twists. Jason.
"How can they possibly expect him to solve that?" I ask.
Amber shrugs. "It"s his job, I guess. They act like he"s some miracle-worker. Trust me, he"s not." Halfway up the stairs, she says, "Hey, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure thing."
I expect her to ask why her father picked me up this weekend, but instead she asks, "How long have you known Wesley?"
"A couple months," I say, rounding up. It certainly feels like longer.
"And how long do you think he"s been in love with you?"
I feel the heat creeping into my face. "We"re just friends." Amber makes a sound of disbelief. "I mean, we"re close," I add. Bonded by secrets and scars. "But we"re not...I don"t...I care about Wesley, and he cares about me."
"Look," she says as we reach the cla.s.sroom, "I just met you, but I"ve known Wesley for ages. I can tell you that "he cares" is an understatement." Amber steps out of the way to let someone get to cla.s.s. "Did you really kiss Cash this morning?"
"He kissed me," I clarify, "and it ended right there."
Amber waves a hand. "I don"t care about the details. The point is, I don"t want you playing games with Wes. He"s been through a lot, and I think he"s finally in a good place, and-"
"And you don"t think I"m good for him."
The words. .h.i.t like a blow, even though they"re mine. Because they"re true. I"m not good for him. At least, I haven"t been. I want to be. But how can I? I feel like a bomb waiting to go off; I don"t want him holding on to me when it does. But he won"t let go, and I can"t seem to, either.
"I didn"t say that," says Amber. "It"s just...Gavin and Saf and Cash and I, we work really hard to keep him in that good place. He may live in a big house on a hill, but we"re his family. I don"t know how much you know about his life before you came into it, but he"s been hurt by a fair number of people. He may have put himself back together decently, but he"s not all the way there. And it"s obvious he cares about you a lot; so all I"m saying is, don"t hurt him, okay? Because it"s obvious you"re going through some things, too, and I want you to be really sure before you let him fall any harder for you. Be sure that you"re good for him."
She opens the door. "And if you"re not, don"t let him fall at all."
Mr. Lowell"s out, and the sub in Government spends the first half of the period reading everything Lowell"s already taught us straight off a handout, then decides that revolution is too heavy for a Monday and mercifully lets us go early. There"s a text from Mom saying she"s going to be late picking me up-I"m hoping I can use it as leverage when the topic of transport comes up again tomorrow morning-which leaves me with half an hour or so to kill. I send a third request to the Archive, then wander out onto the quad to wait for the reply.
Even though the bell hasn"t rung yet, a dozen gold-striped seniors are scattered around the quad a.s.sembling tents. I spot Wesley at the northern edge of the green, hammering steel rods into the gra.s.s.
Not the Wesley who hunts Histories, or the one who lies in bed with me, drowning my nightmares with his noise, but one who laughs and smiles and looks happy. It"s not that he doesn"t look that way when we"re together, but there"s an edge to him when I"m around. The strain of scars and shared secrets and worry shows in his face even when he smiles, even when he sleeps. I weigh him down.
A bone-deep sadness spreads through me as I realize something.
Wesley may be worth it, worth loving and worth letting in, but I can"t do it. I won"t. Not as long as there"s a target on my back. I can"t drag him into this mess. Amber was right. The last time he got pulled into my fight, he lost a day of his life. I won"t let him lose more, not because of me.
I retreat through campus, weaving from one path to another, the urge to move stronger than the desire to go anywhere in particular. Restless bones, that"s what Ben used to call it. I have never been able to sit still. Maybe Eric"s right, and being a part of the Archive isn"t just a job. Maybe it"s in my bones. Maybe I couldn"t be normal, even if I had a chance to try. Normal is like stillness: uncomfortable, unnatural. So I walk. And as I walk, a word scratches itself onto the paper in my palm.
Denied.
The answer hits like a dull blow as my feet carry me down the path. I don"t even realize I"ve heading for the Wellness Center until I look up and see the stone mantel. I pa.s.s through the lockers and into the ma.s.sive gym.
With everyone either still in cla.s.s or setting up for Fall Fest, the gym is a hollow white hull-similar to a Returns room, but vast and walled and full of equipment. It"s strange being in here alone, and yet it"s peaceful. Like the Archive used to be. The quiet here might not be as reverent, but it"s all-encompa.s.sing, and it reminds me of a time years ago when I was normal-or closer to it-and running was the nearest thing I had to peace.
When I ran, I lost myself.
I have been afraid of losing myself lately. Afraid of pushing too hard. Afraid of letting my guard down. Of letting go.
Now I step onto the track with a kind of abandon and start to run. At first it"s a jog, but then I go faster and faster, until I break into a full sprint, giving it everything I have. I haven"t run like this in days, weeks, years.
I run until the world blurs. Until I can"t breathe, can"t hear, can"t think. Until Owen is gone and the voids are gone and Agatha is gone and the Archive is gone and Wesley is gone and there is nothing but the sound of my shoes on the track and my pulse in my ears. I run until all my fears-the fear of losing my mind, my memories, my life-have bled away.
Time begins to slip, and for once, I don"t try to catch it.
I run until I feel like myself again.
I run until I find peace.
When my shoes finally slow and stop, I bend over my knees, breathing shallowly. Then I pace slowly in a circle, waiting for my heart to slow, my eyes closed in the middle of the empty gym. I focus on the sound of my pulse.
"Miss Bishop?" calls a gruff voice, and I drag my eyes open to find the gym teacher-the one who oversees the sparring ring, I think his name is Metz-trotting over with a clipboard.
"Sorry," I say. "Am I not supposed to be here?"
Coach Metz waves the clipboard. "Whatever. None of the sports have started yet. Speaking of, you"re quite the runner. Have you considered track?" I shake my head. "You should," he says. "You"re a natural."
"Not sure I have the time, sir."
"Gotta make time for the important things, Bishop. Tryouts are next week. Can I at least put your name down?"
I hesitate. Where will I be next week? Hunting Histories in the Narrows, or strapped to a chair having my memories carved out? What if next week this is all a bad dream and I"m alive and still me?
"We could use someone like you," he adds.
"Okay," I say. "Sure. Count me in." It"s so small, but it"s something to cling to. A sliver of normal.
Coach Metz pa.s.ses me the clipboard, and I write out my name and hand it back. He offers me a gruff nod of approval as he reads my name and makes a few notes in the margin.
"Good, good," he grumbles. "Hyde honor at stake, need the speed..." And then he trots away, disappearing through a door at the other end of the gym marked OFFICES.
I sink onto the mats to stretch out. My muscles ache from the sudden burst of activity, but it"s a welcome pain. I lie down on the mat, going through my stretches; then I stare up at the ceiling and breathe, wondering: If the Archive came for me, would I run? Will it come to that?
My theory is getting thinner by the day. Everything pointed to a setup until Cash. Was the attack on him a mistake? A message? A punishment? Did they miss on purpose? Or were they trying to interrupt the pattern and weaken the theory? Questions trickle through me, and at the heart of all the hows and whys, the biggest question is who.
You"re getting tangled, Da would say. Most problems are simple at their center. You just gotta find the center.
What"s at the center of this problem?
The key.
You don"t technically have to be Crew to make a void-I wasn"t-so long as you have the right kind of key. But Crew are the only ones issued those keys, so the person making the voids is either Crew or someone who"s been given a Crew key. Roland gave me Da"s, so I know it"s possible. Would a Librarian really smuggle one out? Give it to a Keeper to bury the trail of guilt? What if Owen had other allies in the Archive besides Carmen? Could one of them be trying to get revenge? Librarians are Histories; can they be read like Histories? Is there some kind of postscript that records the time they"ve been in the service of the Archive after their lives have been compiled?
Would Agatha ever consider reading them? Or would she just pin the crimes on me instead? It wouldn"t fix the problem, wouldn"t change the fact that someone is doing this, but it would give her an out, a person to blame. And after our latest meeting, I have no doubt she plans to find me guilty of something. Why wouldn"t she sink me for this? It would be easy. All she has to do is claim I have Owen"s key.
I sit up, inhaling sharply.
Owen"s key. He had it on him when he went into the void. Agatha accused me of having it and I don"t, but he did. Maybe he still does.
It"s the one option I haven"t considered. Haven"t wanted to consider. Is it even possible? A void is a door to nowhere, but it"s still a door. And every door has two sides. What if the voids aren"t being opened from this side? What if someone isn"t throwing people in? What if they"re just trying to get out?
What if Owen"s trying to get to me?
No.
I fall back against the mat and force myself to breathe.
No. I have to stop. I have to stop seeing Owen in everything. I have to stop looking for him in every moment of my life. Owen Chris Clarke is gone. I have to stop bringing him back.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. And then I feel the scratch of letters on the list and take it out, expecting another name. Instead I find a message:
Access granted. Good luck. -R
Roland. Something untangles in my chest. A thread of hope. A fighting chance. I get to my feet, and I"m nearly to the locker rooms when I hear the crash.
TWENTY-FOUR.
IT CAME FROM somewhere across the gym.
The crash was far enough away to sound low, loud enough for it to echo around me, but it started in the far corner, the same direction Coach Metz went. I sprint across the gym floor and through the door marked OFFICES, only to find myself in a small hallway full of trophy cases. None of them seem disturbed, and besides, the crash was deep, like something heavy falling-not high, like breaking gla.s.s. Doorways stud the hall, each with a gla.s.s window insert; I make my way down the corridor, glancing in each room to see if anything"s off.
Three doors in, I look through the window and slam to a stop.
Beyond the gla.s.s is a storage room. Inside, it"s too dark to make out much more than the metal shelves, half of which have toppled over. I pull my sleeve down over my hand and test the door. It"s unlocked.