"Another time, I"ll tell you," she said imploringly. "Another time, when I feel miserable, not now, when I"m happy and breathe freely, because I am so safe with you beside me. Let me enjoy this hour to the full. Look at the sun melting into those red clouds. Doesn"t it look as if it were weeping over us tears of blood?"
He grunted, for the simile seemed to him extravagantly poetic.
"Oh, why did we ever meet?" she murmured, turning her face up to the setting sun, so that it became suffused with a rosy glow. She sighed, but the sigh lost itself in a smile.
"As we are on the subject," he said, feeling that the conversation had taken a dangerous turn, but at a loss how to change it into another channel, "meeting had nothing to do with it. For a year or more we had a.s.sociated without any harm coming of it, despite the old boy-and-girl flirtation behind us. We should have been more careful to keep our inclinations in hand, that"s all. Rhaden left us too much alone. We had too many opportunities of strolling in the park after dark, and sitting in shady nooks. That"s what did it ... that"s what did it."
Half lying on the cushions, she propped her chin in her hands.
"I wonder how the idea first came into our heads?" she asked dreamily.
He shrugged his shoulders. "Can one say afterwards how such things happen?" he said. "It"s like fever; no one knows how he gets it."
"I remember, though, how it began," she whispered, still gazing at the sun. "It was a July evening. Rhaden had something to do in the town....
We were in the arbour, under the cut cypresses. You have got one like it at Halewitz. Do you remember the arbour?"
Why did she ask? Till their dying hour, they were both bound to remember the place that had been the temple of their happiness and the origin of their d.a.m.nation.
"It was dark all round us; we could scarcely see each other. Your cigar had gone out ... you wanted a light. .. I said, "Let me help you," and as I held the burning match to the end of your cigar, and you drew in the flame with a deep breath, you raised your hand and stroked my hand which held the match, three times, and just as it flickered up for the last time, our eyes met ... and then I knew ... knew that it would happen."
"You knew it already?"
She nodded; and as if it were the fading radiance of their past and vanished joy, the reflection of the sun, which had now sunk beneath the horizon, lay purple and mysterious on her face.
"We women are quick to discern that sort of thing," said she; "before you men know exactly what it is you want, we feel it drawing near. It is like a warm draught of air blowing against us. Many of us don"t know what it is to feel well except in such an air."
"If you noticed so much, why weren"t you on your guard?" he asked sternly.
"What is the use of guarding against the decree of fate?" she said, piously clasping her hands.
"Why didn"t you drive me away? Why did you allow me to come back?"
"Because I was so glad that you came back."
"Yes, yes ... forgive me ... you are right. It is I who ought to have known, and to have fled away, miles away. It was not your fault ... it was mine."
"Don"t be so hard on yourself, Leo," she begged. "Things came as they were bound to come. We were both defenceless then. Do you still remember how, after the match was gone out, it was all dark in the arbour, and we were both quite, quite silent? For a long time I heard nothing but your breathing, short and hard.... You must tell me, Leo, what were you thinking about during those minutes?"
He would have cried out, "Leave me in peace with your questions," but only too vividly did the picture rise before his eyes of that sultry purple July night which was the beginning of all the mischief.
"What was I thinking about?" he murmured. "I don"t know that I thought at all.... At least, I can"t recall anything that I thought. But when we stood up and walked to the house, I remember that I asked myself, "Why was it her shoulder felt so warm against my arm?" ... I put it down to the hot summer air.... But when I was in bed, I still felt your shoulder against my arm that I recollect perfectly to-day."
Felicitas looked at him, smiling. But in the midst of her smile she broke into convulsive weeping. She threw back her head, stretched herself out full length on the cushions, her whole body shaken by her violent sobs. One of her shoes slipped off and fell clattering on the floor.
Leo, shocked and deeply moved, got up and came to her side.
"Why ... why," she sobbed, "why must it have been so? Now I am wretched and abandoned, and you are wretched too, and the others. Oh, Jesus, have pity!"
"Do--do be reasonable," he urged, trying to conceal his fear by harshness.
"Yes, yes--tell me what to do.... I will obey and do all you command."
"You must calm yourself first. Suppose some one came in." His glance wandered uneasily to the door.
"Oh, I will be calm directly. Oh, Lord! Lord!"
"Felicitas."
He would have liked to shake her, but was afraid to touch her with his hands.
At the severity of his tone, she raised herself and wiped her face with limp hands.
"I am weak," she stammered; "please get me my flask from the next room."
He hurried away to do her bidding, for he was still consumed with anxiety that they might be surprised in their present situation. When he came back, she was lying motionless face downwards on the cushions.
He called her name. Instead of answering, she pointed to the back of her head.
He sprinkled a few drops of the strongly scented liquid on her hair, and then wiped his damp hands quickly on his coat-sleeve. She turned round.
"Now my forehead," she whispered, with closed eyes.
He moistened her temples.
"How kind you are!" she whispered; and then went on, "one has to become as miserable as this to learn what true compa.s.sion is."
"Sit up now," he commanded.
"You are right," she replied, lifting wide eyes to his. "Our time is up. Ulrich may be back at any minute."
Ulrich! The blood flamed into his face. His friend"s name fell painfully upon him like a whip.
"I must go at once!" he exclaimed.
"Won"t you wait and see him?" she asked innocently.
He shook his head and set his teeth.
"But you"ll come to-morrow, will you not ... to-morrow?"
He could do nothing but dumbly a.s.sent.
She bent over the edge of the sofa to look for the lost slipper, which was hidden somewhere in the wainscotting. When she sat upright, she was smiling again. The blue eyes had regained their wonted l.u.s.tre, only on the round cheeks flashed in rosy drops the last traces of her tears.
"Are you angry with me?" she asked.
"Why angry?"
"Because I have made this foolish scene. But the burden of unshed tears was oppressing my soul.... And now that I have cried it away I feel more light-hearted and happier than I have done for months.... Oh, Leo ... let me thank you for the comfort you have given me!" And in her overflowing grat.i.tude she caught his two giant hands in her soft little palms and tried to press them.