Training, as expected was tough. Carl continuously returned home tired and beaten up. His muscles ached, his body was hurting all over. But it was only the beginning, he hoped his body would quickly adjust and get used to it. Formerly, when he lived in the Blackwood home, he hardly went out, talk more of working out. Now he was feeling it all over, he regretted not doing a simple stretch or even jogging. His body was so weak and stiff, to top it all, he lacked stamina. He was already out of breath running a hundred metres. His legs were shaking, even his hands. He had to increase his stamina first but he told Hughes not to go easy on him even when he continued to shake. He trained until he pa.s.sed out. Hughes knew it wasn"t too good for the body and wanted him to stop, but he insisted to be drilled like a new recruit.As he saw the determination in his eyes, he couldn"t bring himself to stop him. So he continued with the drill. Two weeks flew by and Kim hadn"t called him either. He was furious and sad and then finally he gave up, he called her. He couldn"t hold himself back any more. He missed her. He missed seeing her every morning, he missed eating the food she cooked. He missed coming back home, seeing watch dramas with lots of snacks on the couch. He missed how brilliantly her eyes shone. He couldn"t help himself, even though he said he wouldn"t call, even though he said he would wait for her to come back to him, right now, all that didn"t matter. Why was he working himself to death? Was it not to protect them? If she wasn"t going to return, was there a need to continue?
A need is something you can"t do without while a want is dispensable. Food is a need, it"s necessary for survival but an extra phone is a want, it is inessential. At a point in his life, though he never thought of suicide, he was only living because he was alive and nothing mattered. He had no purpose, no reason to push forward, no focus or determination. But after finding her, he had moved past the stage where he only wanted to live because he was alive, now he needed to live. He needed to see her grow, he needed to accompany her as she grows, the other things did not matter. But the person he thought so highly of, disregarded him. He was physically hurt from all the training, but it couldn"t compare to the emotional hurt he was feeling. Absence indeed makes the heart grow fonder. Even when he tried to distract himself, his mind still wandered off to her. He really looked pitiful as he held his phone, his thumb hovering above her contact.
To call or not to call? He was hurting inside, but her not contacting him or coming back home, made him feel she did not care at all. Thinking back to the kiss, he wished he had known better. May be she would be home with him. The dark circles under his eyes, grew deeper with each pa.s.sing day coupled with his pale face and the sweat soaking his hair, sprawled on the floor, made him look hideous, like the monsters in nightmares.
Finally he gave up, he couldn"t wait for her again. If she wouldn"t come to him, he"d have to go to her. After all, he was the one that wanted her. As the phone rang, his heart thumped. Anxiety masked his face, he looked like a druggie experiencing withdrawal syndrome. First ring, second ring, third, she picked up. "h.e.l.lo." He heard her say. He sighed in relief, after the long wait, he finally heard her voice. "Please come home." He managed to say in a low tone. His voice was wobbly from exhaustion but he tried to hide it. "I will, not now." She said. Carl felt his world spiraled out of control and could do nothing about. Taking a deep breath, he asked in a shaky voice, "What can I do to get you back?" Without waiting for her answer he continued, "Okay, if it"s because of the kiss, I"m sorry, I won"t do it again, just come back."
It"s funny how you don"t need to cheat on your partner but your actions end up hurting them. Who said cheating is the worst thing that could happen? Treating your partner like nothing also hurts, ignoring them also hurt. You don"t have to be together with another person, your actions and inactions would still hurt if they really cared.
When he was in the capital, the only interesting thing he did was to play with computer, that was the only thing that piqued his interest. He never imagined he would want to live so bad or he would want to protect someone else or even himself. He took everything that came to him, whatever happened, happened, he didn"t try to do anything or even defend himself. It was useless to him. Who would have known being banished would send him to State A where he fell in love? Now that love was making him feel pain. He once thought he couldn"t feel anything, he once thought he had no emotions. Only now he realized it was only hidden. And Kim was the catalyst of the explosive emotions he was feeling.