In her anxiety? 1 could say, in her love. Her face utterly softened, pink, tender, suffused with love.
I talk to Dr. Parakulam on the phone.
"Why do you think he is running this temperature?"
"He has an infection somewhere." Obviously, is what he does not say.
"Is he on-well, I suppose he"s on antibiotics for that?"
"He is on everything."
A silence.
"Where do you think the infection-"
"I"m having tests done on him today. Blood tests. Another electrocardiogram."
"Do you think it"s his heart?"
"Yes. I think basically it is. That is the main trouble. His heart."
On Monday afternoon, Irlma has gone to the hospital. I was going to take her-she does not drive-but Harry Crofton has shown up in his truck and she has decided to go with him, so that I can stay at home. Both she and my father are nervous about there being n.o.body on the place.
I go out to the barn. I put down a bale of hay and cut the twine around it and separate the hay and spread it.
When I come here I usually stay from Friday night until Sunday night, no longer, and now that I have stayed on into the next week something about my life seems to have slipped out of control. I don"t feel so sure that it is just a visit. The buses that run from place to place no longer seem so surely to connect with me.
I am wearing open sandals, cheap water-buffalo sandals. This type of footwear is worn by a lot of women I know and it is seen to indicate a preference for country life, a belief in what is simple and natural. It is not practical when you are doing the sort of job I am doing now. Bits of hay and sheep pellets, which are like big black raisins, get squashed between my toes.
The sheep come crowding at me. Since they were sheared in the summer, their wool has grown back, but it is not yet very long. Right after the shearing they look from a distance surprisingly like goats, and they are not soft and heavy even yet. The big hip bones stand out, the bunting foreheads. I talk to them rather self-consciously, spreading the hay. I give them oats in the long trough.
People I know say that work like this is restorative and has a peculiar dignity, but I was born to it and feel it differently. Time and place can close in on me, it can so easily seem as if I have never got away, that I have stayed here my whole life. As if my life as an adult was some kind of dream that never took hold of me. I see myself not like Harry and Irlma, who have to some extent flourished in this life, or like my father, who has trimmed himself to it, but more like one of those misfits, captives-nearly useless, celibate, rusting-who should have left but didn"t, couldn"t, and are now unfit for any place. I think of a man who let his cows starve to death one winter after his mother died, not because he was frozen in grief but because he couldn"t be bothered going out to the barn to feed them, and there was n.o.body to tell him he had to. I can believe that, I can imagine it. I can see myself as a middle-aged daughter who did her duty, stayed at home, thinking that someday her chance would come, until she woke up and knew it wouldn"t. Now she reads all night and doesn"t answer her door, and comes out in a surly trance to spread hay for the sheep.
What happens as I"m finishing with the sheep is that Irlma"s niece Connie drives into the barnyard. She has picked up her younger son from the high school and come to see how we are getting on.
Connie is a widow with two sons and a marginal farm a few miles away. She works as a nurse"s aide at the hospital. As well as being Irlma"s niece she is a second cousin of mine-it was through her, I think, that my father got better acquainted with Irlma. Her eyes are brown and sparkling, like Irlma"s, but they are more thoughtful, less demanding. Her body is capable, her skin dried, her arms hard muscled, her dark hair cropped and graying. There is a fitful charm in her voice and her expression and she still moves like a good dancer. She fixes her lipstick and makes up her eyes before she goes to work and again when work is over, she surfaces full of what you might describe inadequately as high spirits or good humor or human kindness, from a life whose choices have not been plentiful, whose luck has not been in good supply.
She sends her son to shut the gate for me-I should have done that-to keep the sheep from straying into the lower field.
She says that she has been in to see my father at the hospital and that he seems a good deal better today, his fever is down and he ate up his dinner.
"You must be wanting to get back to your own life," she says, as if that was the most natural thing in the world and exactly what she would be wanting herself in my place. She can"t know anything about my life of sitting in a room writing and going out sometimes to meet a friend or a lover, but if she did know, she would probably say that I have a right to it.
"The boys and I can run up and do what we have to for Aunt Irlma. One of them can stay with her if she doesn"t like to be alone. We can manage for now, anyway. You can phone and see how things develop. You could come up again on the weekend. How about that?"
"Are you sure that would be all right?"
"I don"t think this is so dire," she says. "The way it usually is, you have to go through quite a few scares before-you know, before it"s curtains. Usually, anyway."
I think that I can get here in a hurry if I have to, I can always rent a car.
"I can get in to see him every day," she says. "Him and I are friends, he"ll talk to me. I"ll be sure and let you know anything. Any change or anything."
And that seems to be the way we"re going to leave it.
I remember something my father once said to me. She restored my faith in women.
Faith in women"s instinct, their natural instinct, something warm and active and straightforward. Something not mine, I had thought, bridling. But now talking to Connie I could see more of what was meant. Though it wasn"t Connie he"d been talking about. It was Irlma.
When I think about all this later, I will recognize that the very corner of the stable where I was standing, to spread the hay, and where the beginning of panic came on me, is the scene of the first clear memory of my life. There is in that corner a flight of steep wooden steps going up to the hayloft, and in the scene I remember I am sitting on the first or second step watching my father milk the black-and-white cow. I know what year it was-the black-and-white cow died of pneumonia in the worst winter of my childhood, which was 1935. Such an expensive loss is not hard to remember.
And since the cow is still alive and I am wearing warm clothes, a woolen coat and leggings, and at milking-time it is already dark-there is a lantern hanging on a nail beside the stall--it is probably the late fall or early winter. Maybe it was still 1934. Just before the brunt of the season hit us.
The lantern hangs on the nail. The black-and-white cow seems remarkably large and definitely marked, at least in comparison with the red cow, or muddy-reddish cow, her survivor, in the next stall. My father sits on the three-legged milking stool, in the cow"s shadow. I can recall the rhythm of the two streams of milk going into the pail, but not quite the sound. Something hard and light, like tiny hailstones? Outside the small area of the stable lit by the lantern are the mangers filled with s.h.a.ggy hay, the water tank where a kitten of mine will drown some years into the future; the cobwebbed windows, the large brutal tools-scythes and axes and rakes-hanging out of my reach. Outside of that, the dark of the country nights when few cars came down our road and there were no outdoor lights.
And the cold which even then must have been gathering, building into the cold of that extraordinary winter which killed all the chestnut trees, and many orchards.
What Do You Want to Know For?
I saw the crypt before my husband did. It was on the left-hand side, his side of the car, but he was busy driving. We were on a narrow, b.u.mpy road.
"What was that?" I said. "Something strange."
A large, unnatural mound blanketed with gra.s.s.
We turned around as soon as we could find a place, though we hadn"t much time. We were on our way to have lunch with friends who live on Georgian Bay. But we are possessive about this country, and try not to let anything get by us.
There it was, set in the middle of a little country cemetery. Like a big woolly animal-like some giant wombat, lolling around in a prehistoric landscape.
We climbed a bank and unhooked a gate and went to look at the front end of this thing. A stone wall there, between an upper and a lower arch, and a brick wall within the lower arch. No names or dates, nothing but a skinny cross carved roughly into the keystone of the upper arch, as with a stick or a finger. At the other, lower end of the mound, nothing but earth and gra.s.s and some big protruding stones, probably set there to hold the earth in place. No markings on them, either-no clues as to who or what might be hidden inside.
We returned to the car.
About a year after this, I had a phone call from the nurse in my doctor"s office. The doctor wanted to see me, an appointment had been made. I knew without asking what this would be about. Three weeks or so before, I had gone to a city clinic for a mammogram. There was no special reason for me to do this, no problem. It is just that I have reached the age when a yearly mammogram is recommended. I had missed last year"s, however, because of too many other things to do.
The results of the mammogram had now been sent to my doctor.
There was a lump deep in my left breast, which neither my doctor nor I had been able to feel. We still could not feel it. My doctor said that it was shown on the mammogram to be about the size of a pea. He had made an appointment for me to see a city doctor who would do a biopsy. As I was leaving he laid his hand on my shoulder. A gesture of concern or rea.s.surance. He is a friend, and I knew that his first wife"s death had begun in just this way.
There were ten days to be put in before I could see the city doctor. I filled the time by answering letters and cleaning up my house and going through my files and having people to dinner. It was a surprise to me that I was busying myself in this way instead of thinking about what you might call deeper matters. I didn"t do any serious reading or listening to music and I didn"t go into a muddled trance as I so often do, looking out the big window in the early morning as the sunlight creeps into the cedars. I didn"t even want to go for walks by myself, though my husband and I went for our usual walks together, or for drives.
I got it into my head that I would like to see the crypt again, and find out something about it. So we set out, sure-or reasonably sure-that we remembered which road it was on. But we did not find it. We took the next road over, and did not find it on that one either. Surely it was in Bruce County, we said, and it was on the north side of an east-west unpaved road, and there were a lot of evergreen trees close by. We spent three or four afternoons looking for it, and were puzzled and disconcerted. But it was a pleasure, as always, to be together in this part of the world looking at the countryside that we think we know so well and that is always springing some sort of surprise on us.
The landscape here is a record of ancient events. It was formed by the advancing, stationary, and retreating ice. The ice has staged its conquests and retreats here several times, withdrawing for the last time about fifteen thousand years ago.
Quite recently, you might say. Quite recently now that I have got used to a certain way of reckoning history.
A glacial landscape such as this is vulnerable. Many of its various contours are made up of gravel, and gravel is easy to get at, easy to scoop out, and always in demand. That"s the material that makes these back roads pa.s.sable-gravel from the chewed-up hills, the plundered terraces, that have been turned into holes in the land. And it"s a way for farmers to get hold of some cash. One of my earliest memories is of the summer my father sold off the gravel on our river flats, and we had the excitement of the trucks going past all day, as well as the importance of the sign at our gate. Children Playing. That was us. Then when the trucks were gone, the gravel removed, there was the novelty of pits and hollows that held, almost into the summer, the remains of the spring floods. Such hollows will eventually grow clumps of tough flowering weeds, then gra.s.s and bushes.
In the big gravel pits you see hills turned into hollows, as if a part of the landscape had managed, in a haphazard way, to turn itself inside out. And little lakes ripple where before there were only terraces or river flats. The steep sides of the hollows grow lush, in time, b.u.mpy with greenery. But the tracks of the glacier are gone for good.
So you have to keep checking, taking in the changes, seeing things while they last.
We have special maps that we travel with. They are maps sold to accompany a book called The Physiography of Southern Ontario, by Lyman Chapman and Donald Putnam-whom we refer to, familiarly but somewhat reverentially, as Put and Chap. These maps show the usual roads and towns and rivers, but they show other things as well-things that were a complete surprise to me when I first saw them.
Look at just one map-a section of southern Ontario south of Georgian Bay. Roads. Towns and rivers appear, as well as township boundaries. But look what else-patches of bright yellow, fresh green, battleship gray, and a darker mud gray, and a very pale gray, and splotches or stretches or fat or skinny tails of blue and tan and orange and rosy pink and purple and burgundy brown. Cl.u.s.ters of freckles. Ribbons of green like gra.s.s snakes. Narrow fluttery strokes from a red pen.
What is all this?
The yellow color shows sand, not along the lakesh.o.r.e but collected inland, often bordering a swamp or a long-gone lake. The freckles are not round but lozenge-shaped, and they appear in the landscape like partly buried eggs, with the blunt end against the flow of the ice. These are drumlins-thickly packed in some places, spa.r.s.e in others. Some qualifying as big smooth hills, some barely breaking through the ground. They give their name to the soil in which they appear (drumlinized till-tan) and to the somewhat rougher soil which has none of them in it (undrumlinized till-battleship gray). The glacier in fact did lay them down like eggs, neatly and economically getting rid of material that it had picked up in its bulldozing advance. And where it didn"t manage this, the ground is naturally rougher.
The purple tails are end moraines. They show where the ice halted on its long retreat, putting down a ridge of rubble at its edge. The vivid green strokes are eskers, and they are the easiest of all features to recognize, when you"re looking through the car window. Miniature mountain ranges, dragons" backs-they show the route of the rivers that tunnelled under the ice, at right angles to its front. Torrents loaded with gravel, which they discharged as they went. Usually there will be a little mild-mannered creek, running along beside an esker-a direct descendant of that ancient battering river.
The orange color is for spillways, the huge channels that carried off the melt.w.a.ter. And the dark gray shows the swamps that have developed in the spillways and are still there. Blue shows the clay soil, where the ice water was trapped in lakes. These places are flat but not smooth and there is something sour and lumpy about clay fields. Heavy soil, coa.r.s.e gra.s.s, poor drainage.
Meadow green is for the bevelled till, the wonderfully smooth surface that the old Lake Warren planed in the deposits along the sh.o.r.e of today"s Lake Huron.
Red strokes and red interrupted lines that appear on the bevelled till, or on the sand nearby, are remnants of bluffs and the abandoned beaches of those ancestors of the Great Lakes, whose outlines are discernible now only by a gentle lift of the land. Such prosaic, modern, authoritative-sounding names they have been given-Lake Warren, Lake Whittlesey.
Up on the Bruce peninsula there is limestone under a thin soil (pale gray), and around Owen Sound and on Cape Rich there is shale, at the bottom of the Niagara Escarpment, exposed where the limestone is worn off. Crumbly rock that can be made into brick of the same color it shows on the map-rosy pink.
My favorite of all the kinds of country is the one I"ve left till last. This is kame, or kame moraine, which is a chocolate burgundy color on the map and is generally in blobs, not ribbons. A big blob here, a little one there. Kame moraines show where a heap of dead ice sat, cut off from the rest of the moving glacier, earth-stuff pouring through all its holes and crevices. Or sometimes it shows where two lobes of ice pulled apart, and the crevice filled in. End moraines are hilly in what seems a reasonable way, not as smooth as drumlins, but still harmonious, rhythmical, while kame moraines are all wild and b.u.mpy, unpredictable, with a look of chance and secrets.
I didn"t learn any of this at school. I think there was some nervousness then, about being at loggerheads with the Bible in the matter of the creation of the Earth". I learned it when I came to live here with my second husband, a geographer. When I came back to where I never expected to be, in the countryside where I had grown up. So my knowledge is untainted, fresh. I get a naive and particular pleasure from matching what I see on the map with what I can see through the car window. Also from trying to figure out what bit of landscape we"re in, before I look at the map, and being right a good deal of the time. It is exciting to me to spot the boundaries, when it"s a question of the different till plains, or where the kame moraine takes over from the end moraine.
But there is always more than just the keen pleasure of identification. There"s the fact of these separate domains, each with its own history and reason, its favorite crops and trees and weeds-oaks and pines, for instance, growing on sand, and cedars and strayed lilacs on limestone-each with its special expression, its pull on the imagination. The fact of these little countries lying snug and unsuspected, like and unlike as siblings can be, in a landscape that"s usually disregarded, or dismissed as drab agricultural counterpane. It"s the fact you cherish.
I thought that the appointment I had was for a biopsy, but it turned out not to be. It was an appointment to let the city doctor decide whether he would do a biopsy, and after examining my breast and the results of the mammogram, he decided that he would. He had seen only the results of my most recent mammogram-those from 1990 and 1991 had not arrived yet from the country hospital where they had been done. The biopsy was set for a date two weeks ahead and I was given a sheet with instructions about how to prepare for it.
I said that two weeks seemed like quite a while to wait.
At this stage of the game, the doctor said, two weeks was immaterial.
That was not what I had been led to believe. But I did not complain-not after a look at some of the people in the waiting room. I am over sixty. My death would not be a disaster.
Not in comparison with the death of a young mother, a family wage-earner, a child. It would not be apparent as a disaster.
It bothered us that we could not find the crypt. We extended our search. Perhaps it was not in Bruce County but in next-door Grey County? Sometimes we were sure that we were on the right road, but always we were disappointed. I went to the town library to look at the nineteenth-century county atlases, to see if perhaps the country cemeteries were marked on the township maps. They appeared to be marked on the maps of Huron County, but not in Bruce or Grey. (This wasn"t true, I found out later-they were marked, or some of them were, but I managed to miss the small faint C"s.) In the library I met a friend who had dropped in to see us last summer shortly after our discovery. We had told him about the crypt and given him some rough directions as to how to find it, because he is interested in old cemeteries. He said now that he had written down the directions as soon as he got home. I had forgotten ever giving them. He went straight home and found the piece of paper-found it miraculously, he said, in a welter of other papers. He came back to the library where I was still looking through the atlases.
Peabody, Scone, McCullougb Lake. That was what he had written down.
Farther north than we had thought-just beyond the boundary of the territory we had been doggedly covering.
So we found the right cemetery, and the gra.s.s-grown crypt looked just as surprising, as primitive, as we remembered. Now we had enough time to look around. We saw that most of the old slabs had been collected together and placed in the form of a cross. Nearly all of these were the tombstones of children. In any of these old cemeteries the earliest dates were apt to be those of children, or young mothers lost in childbirth, or young men who had died accidentally-drowned, or hit by a falling tree, killed by a wild horse, or involved in an accident during the raising of a barn. There were hardly any old people around to die, in those days.
The names were nearly all German, and many of the inscriptions were entirely in German. Hier ruhet in Gott. And Geboren, followed by the name of some German town or province, then Ges...o...b..n, with a date in the sixties or seventies of the nineteenth century.
Ges...o...b..n, here in Sullivan Township in Grey County in a colony of England, in the middle of the bush.
Das arme Herz hienieden Von manches Sturm bewegt Erlangt den renen Frieden Nur wenn es nicht mehr schlagt.
I always have the notion that I can read German, even though I can"t. I thought that this said something about the heart, the soul, the person buried here being out of harm"s way now, and altogether better off. Herz and Sturm and nicht mehr could hardly be mistaken. But when I got home and checked the words in a German-English dictionary-finding all of them except renen, which could easily be a misspelling of reinen-I found that the verse was not so comforting. It seemed to say something about the poor heart buried here getting no peace until it stopped beating.
Better off dead.
Maybe that came out of a book of tombstone verses, and there wasn"t much choice.
Not a word on the crypt, though we searched far more thoroughly than we had done before. Nothing but that single, amateurishly drawn cross. But we did find a surprise in the northeastern corner of the cemetery. A second crypt was there, much smaller than the first one, with a smooth concrete top. No earth or gra.s.s, but a good-sized cedar tree growing out of a crack in the concrete, its roots nourished by whatever was inside.
It"s something like mound burial, we said. Something that had survived in Central Europe from pre-Christian times?
In the same city where I was to have my biopsy, and where I had the mammogram, there is a college where my husband and I were once students. I am not allowed to take out books, because I did not graduate, but I can use my husband"s card, and I can poke around in the stacks and the reference rooms to my heart"s content. During our next visit there I went into the Regional Reference Room to read some books about Grey County and find out whatever I could about Sullivan Township.
I read of a plague of pa.s.senger pigeons that destroyed every bit of the crops, one year in the late nineteenth century. And of a terrible winter in the eighteen-forties, which lasted so long and with such annihilating cold that those first settlers were living on cow cabbages dug out of the ground. (I did not know what cow cabbages were-were they ordinary cabbages kept to be fed to animals or something wild and coa.r.s.er, like skunk cabbage? And how could they be dug up in such weather, with the ground like rock? There are always puzzles.) A man named Barnes had starved himself to death, letting his family have his share, that they might survive.
A few years after that a young woman was writing to her friend in Toronto that there was a marvellous crop of berries, more than anybody could pick to eat or dry, and that when she was out picking them she had seen a bear, so close that she could make out the drops of berry juice sparkling on its whiskers. She was not afraid, she said-she would walk through the bush to post this letter, bears or no bears.
I asked for church histories, thinking there might be something about Lutheran or German Catholic churches that would help me. It is difficult to make such requests in reference libraries because you will often be asked what it is, exactly, that you want to know, and what do you want to know it for? Sometimes it is even necessary to write your reason down. If you are doing a paper, a study, you will of course have a good reason, but what if you are just interested? The best thing, probably, is to say you are doing a family history. Librarians are used to people doing that-particularly people who have gray hair-and it is generally thought to be a reasonable way of spending one"s time. Just interested sounds apologetic, if not shifty, and makes you run the risk of being seen as an idler lounging around in the library, a person at loose ends, with no proper direction in life, nothing better to do. I thought of writing on my form: research for paper concerning survival of mound burial in pioneer Ontario. But I didn"t have the nerve. I thought they might ask me to prove it.
I did locate a church that I thought might be connected with our cemetery, being a couple of country blocks west and a block north. St. Peter"s Evangelical Lutheran, it was called, if it was still there.
In Sullivan Township you are reminded of what the crop fields everywhere used to look like before the advent of the big farm machinery. These fields have kept the size that can be served by the horse-drawn plough, the binder, the mower. Rail fences are still in place-here and there is a rough stone wall-and along these boundaries grow hawthorn trees, chokecherries, golden-rod, old-man"s beard.
Such fields are unchanged because there is no profit to be gained in opening them up. The crops that can be grown on them are not worth the trouble. Two big rough moraines curve across the southern part of the township-the purple ribbons turning here into snakes swollen as if each of them had swallowed a frog-and there is a swampy spillway in between them. To the north, the land is clay. Crops raised here were probably never up to much, though people used to be more resigned to working unprofitable land, more grateful for whatever they could get, than is the case today. Where such land is put to any use at all now, it"s pasture. The wooded areas-the bush-are making a strong comeback. In country like this the trend is no longer towards a taming of the landscape and a thickening of population, but rather the opposite. The bush will never again take over completely, but it is making a good grab. The deer, the wolves, which had at one time almost completely disappeared, have reclaimed some of their territory. Perhaps there will be bears soon, feasting again on the blackberries and thimbleberries, and in the wild orchards. Perhaps they are here already.
As the notion of farming fades, unexpected enterprises spring up to replace it. It"s hard to think that they will last. SPORTS CARDS GALORE, says a sign that is already weathering. TWO-DOOR DOGHOUSES FOR SALE. A place where chairs can be re-caned, TIRE SUPERYARD. Antiques and beauty treatments are offered. Brown eggs, maple syrup, bagpipe lessons, unis.e.x haircuts.
We arrive at St. Peter"s Lutheran Church on a Sunday morning just as the bell is ringing for services and the hands on the church tower point to eleven o"clock. (We learn later that those hands do not tell the time, they always point to eleven o"clock. Church time.) St. Peter"s is large and handsome, built of limestone blocks. A high steeple on the tower and a modern gla.s.s porch to block the wind and snow. Also a long drive shed built of stone and wood-a reminder of the days when people drove to church in buggies and cutters. A pretty stone house, the rectory, surrounded by summer flowers.
We drive on to Williamsford on Highway 6, to have lunch, and to give the minister a decent interval to recover from the morning service before we knock at the rectory door to seek out information. A mile or so down the road we make a discouraging discovery. Another cemetery-St. Peter"s own cemetery, with its own early dates and German names-making our cemetery, so close by, seem even more of a puzzle, an orphan.
We come back anyway, at around two o"clock. We knock on the front door of the rectory, and after a while a little girl appears and tries to unbolt the door. She can"t manage it, and makes signs for us to go around to the back. She comes running out to meet us on our way.
The minister isn"t home, she says. She has gone to take afternoon services in Williamsford. Just our informant and her sister are here, looking after the minister"s dog and cats. But if we want to know anything about churches or cemeteries or history we should go and ask her mother, who lives up the hill in the big new log house.
She tells us her name. Rachel.
Rachel"s mother does not seem at all surprised by our curiosity or put out by our visit. She invites us into her house, where there is a noisy interested dog and a self-possessed husband just finishing a late lunch. The main floor of the house is all one big room with a wide view of fields and trees.
She brings out a book that I did not see in the Regional Reference Room. An old soft-covered history of the township. She thinks it has a chapter about cemeteries.
And in fact it does. In a short time she and I are reading together a section on the Mannerow Cemetery, "famous for its two vaults." There is a grainy photograph of the larger crypt. It is said to have been built in 1895 to receive the body of a three-year-old boy, a son of the Mannerow family. Other members of the family were placed there in the years that followed. One Mannerow husband and wife were put into the smaller crypt in the corner of the cemetery. What was originally a family graveyard later became public and the name of it was changed, from Mannerow to Cedardale.
The vaults were roofed with concrete on the inside.